#bluethesquirrel

you will find me anywhere

“DO YOU EVEN LOOK AT ME”

You tried what everyone told you to. You inserted yourself, played along. Didn’t leave out of fear when you know you should have. You’re rewarded for it with an axe to the skull and the shattering of a mask you hadn’t even worn for an hour. What else could you have expected? You deserved it. It takes you an hour to pull yourself out of the ground, another 30 minutes to feel confident enough to return to your base, and another 20 to realize a hole had been blown in the front where a room once stood. Fortunately, you were already crying so you wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of being the one to break you. The words remind you of yourself. Of someone who can never have enough. You reach out, you apologize where appropriate, you invite yourself along, and you try to make it work. But you can’t give more than you have. You don’t even know what they want from you. They would never tell you in words you could understand. And you think for a second that this will be like any other time. You two would fight, say horrible things about each other, clear things up, and the next week forget it ever happened. You could try and justify yourself. Say there's more to it. That everything is not how it looks. The void in your soul is shallower then theirs, so be the bigger person and make it up.

And then you realize just how often it happens. And you realize that before Blue even read the signs in the thorn that it had started the conversation with the intent to be an asshole to you over the destruction. Not because it was destructive. But because it wasn’t destructive in the right way for their taste. So why should you try to appeal to someone who always seemed like they went in with the intention to take your words in the worst way possible. You had written those signs for them. They were the one who demanded more drama about it. And they never intended to read you in good faith.  So why did you care?

You never wanted to be a good person. You wanted people to see you as you actually are. Not their ideal of you. Not the you that you could have been to them. The you to some that was only valuable to them as their lover. The you to some that was only cherished when you were on their side. The you to them that could execute any plan. The you to them who gave everything you had for the world. You, who had always weighed yourself as greater than the needs of an entire world. You, who was the world to only one. So it never mattered what your objective was, it never mattered what you had to say, it never mattered your reasoning. What mattered was that it was uncontrollably, un-changeably You.

Home is something that does not- cannot- exist in a place like this.

In a very normal way, I'm sure.

Doodles of my most favourite and happy day on Divorcesteal!! My date with BlueTheSquirrel! 💞 Shhh it was like 3-4 weeks ago AND BECAUSE I'M A DUMBASS!!