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yeah, but they keep breaking out, so the dog population in heaven is smaller than you might think
What Dreams May Come, Richard Matheson | Here's the Life I've Always Longed For, Anna Haifisch | I'm here for you, ferncloud | Heaven, Talking Heads | Animal Figurines, TheSafflowerField (via lovertm) | The Day After the Day, Welcome To Night Vale | Garden Path, Hans Ressdorf |
I looked, I searched and I searched. I walked from the top of the world to the bottom and found nothing.
Eventually, and it took awhile, I stopped.
Because I realized no matter where I looked, I will not find you, you are not there.
Day 0, May 30th.
I did not search. That's a lie. I looked for Ren's horse. I could not find her either.
Day 1, May 31st.
I found a compass engraved “Heaven” among cog’s stuff. Maybe it was there before. Maybe I missed it.
In the overworld is spun around uselessly.
In the nether it spun around uselessly.
In the end, it pointed to the void. I think I know the destination. It was an adventure I did not undertake. I don’t like going to places I'm not invited.
I put the compass back and sent the cords to Evu. Honeychild died on the wither rose planted in pale moss. I put it in a pot. I can’t keep letting him kill the things I love.
I replaced the pink hibiscus with a red poppy.
Day 2, June 1st.
I asked void for help. I had accepted that I am not solving this on my own.
> idk. im torn i wanna see the websites but i feel selfish if i solve it or do whatever bc if i don't want the prize then whats the point
> and why should i get to pick who lives or dies im a nonparticipate
Void’s response
> i guess
> it just makes me so upset the more i think about it. seri had promised me a wedding but when i asked about it it said "there's other things i want to do with my time"
> and then to WANT to come back it makes me want to find the materials and burn them
Void’s response
> it promised me a wedding after it comes back. i dont want it anymore lol
Day 3, June 2nd.
I saw the drawing and found the book at midnight. I made a lot of guesses to the password with no luck.
Void looked at the html code and found the password.
I am busy today. I’ll pick it up tomorrow.
Day 4, June 3rd.
I entered the password and picked dread. Its plans anyways made me a little squeamish. But the task was meaningless to me, I can never truly be afraid of death the way the others are.
Venerate meant destruction.
My first impulse was to blow the collection of buildings on the jungle’s edge. It’s just a place to keep my stuff. Peaceful, sleepy, who would miss it but me? Willows grow and willows die. I sit in the shade and watch the light through the leaves. I listen to the bubbling brook.
I considered blowing up date night. It would feel good to hurt you while giving you what you want but I stopped.
I thought about the second request and felt red, melted, a heat that looks white to the eyes.
Time is so precious, it slips through the hands and moments returns to its sisters like sand returning to the shore. Is this what I want to do with my time? Hurt you while hurting myself? And then build you an altar?
I gave so much of myself to stand beside you. What about me? What about my life?
The pressure in my chest lifted, like the dark clouds heavy with rain rolling away, leaving clarity in its wake as I realized, I don't have to do jack and I don’t have to do shit.
I decided to stop there, I had found what I was looking for. Annihilation divorces the self from purpose. And I refuse to destroy myself for you. There are other things to do with my time.
Day 5, June 4th
I did end up blowing something up, at the request of a different ghost.
Grass at the bottom of the world is unnerving, green where light goes to die. But I’ve always liked this place. Birch and a tiny pond.
She wanted all of it gone, but she missed a spot.
She was hesitant, though. I thought about it and said I think it’s only a problem if you want to kill me after.
i meant to play this season alone, no teammates or allegiances whatsoever. i wanted to be a neutral force who worked for anyone willing to pay.
reason 2: they're a liar
that's what the original slideshow was about. it was an attempt to put people off of teaming with me. to tell them that i wouldn't care about them.
reason 3: they will betray you
early season was meant to be temporary and strategic. we would gear up together with the understanding that we would eventually go our separate ways.
reason 4: they're not very good
the early deaths were embarrassing for me. i truly thought it was over for a bit after day one. but the only thing that got me through it was that i wasn't doing it alone.
reason 5: again, they don't want you
that's part of why i wanted to stick around, really. not because mari got me hearts or vio made the villager breeder necessarily, but just because they were there. we'd seen each other at low points not even two days into the season. i didn't know how to leave after that.
reason 6: they're scared
and honestly, the whole powerpoint was just full of lies. i was just scared that i wouldn't be wanted no matter what. or that i would be wanted as someone i wasn't. if i pushed everyone away first, maybe it would hurt less to be rejected.
why you (do) want a jay marshmarrows, pt 2:
reason 1: it doesn't matter. you can't have them.
i wouldn't be anywhere without my day ones. that experience has fundamentally changed me as a person and i am forever grateful. mari and vio, thank you for experiencing hell with me <3
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i have to keep reminding myself that reading physical books is good. like i could download this epub off a suspicious link in a russian website but why would i when i can instead be inconvenienced by my lack of a reading light every day
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<void_c> and not in like some dumb joke way abt going to hell instead or anything like that
<void_c> i just. wouldnt know. im not there
<void_c> this isnt the afterlife. im not dead.
<void_c> or, like. i did die. to leave. im dead to the server. but not to myself?
<void_c> i know some people just, stop existing when they leave one world, or only exist in new ones as an individual so changed as to be almost a different person
<void_c> but thats not how it is for me. for all the fluiditiy of my identity, i am still at the end of the day the same continuous story across every world. im not in heaven because my story isnt over, my story isnt dead.
<void_c> this isnt a suicide, this is me moving away. taking a vacation, maybe. ill be back, when im ready. when the world is ready for my return.
<void_c> i didnt die. there is no heaven. i am still here, just further away.
<void_c> come and find me, if you want. it isnt hard to do.
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