#bloggerrant

Helloooo beautiful wooooooorld! It’s gonna be a long post, so if you wanna learn about yours truly then strap in!

I sound much more chipper than I actually am. I just ate about a billion Heath bars that I was gonna use for a project at work tomorrow and I feel down on myself for it. I started the week so determined to lose the weight I’ve put on. But this week.... like every week.... I grew weak.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never be able to achieve self actualization if I continue working at my current job. Or any regular office job it seems. It used to be easier in my office when I first started two and a half years ago. That was before they started stocking snacks literally all the time. I can remember weighing about 15 lbs less than I do right now a couple months after I started there. Then my work started picking up and the snacks and sodas started pouring in and my desk moved right next to my manager. Now when I’m stressed there’s a bunch of sugar and carbs right there for the grabbing and I can’t just take a quick break and scroll through Pinterest if I feel like taking my eyes off work for a second without being scared my manager is going to ask me why I’m not working.

I feel unhealthy all the time. And the fact that every time I feel the least bit stressed I say “fuck it, I really don’t have much going for me in my life right now and I know there’s at least 4 meals being catered for us in the next week and I’m never gonna be able to lose a dress size by the holiday party and I’m stressed NOW and don’t have time to make myself feel better by doing literally anything else because I have an assignment due five minutes ago so the only way I can feel SOME type of pleasure and ease the pain of what’s going on is by eating some raisinets and Chex mix with a Diet Coke”. And that happens pretty much every single day.

If I’m ever going to be healthy I need to either work from home or get a new job. And since I’m pretty certain that working from home would be so lonely I’d spiral into another sort of depression, I’m thinking it really means I need to get a new job. One where I can be creative, and a little bit more in charge of my own work. I’m 25 and I’ve never not been at the bottom of the totem pole. They were talking about potentially promoting me after the holiday season was over, but I recently found out my team isn’t getting any new clients for a while (which means no new work that they’d need me promoted for, and no new money to pay my salary bump), and my biggest account is getting a new manager... which means they won’t need me to be promoted for that account. I’ve yet to hear about another coordinator taking this long to be promoted, and I still have no idea how long it will take.

Additionally, the lease on my apartment is up in March, and I already know I want to move somewhere that will allow dogs, so I know I want to move. It would be one thing for me to fix the fence behind my duplex and convince the owner if I got a really well behaved one, but my neighbor who’s been there for 8 years hates dogs. I don’t even wanna deal with that. So I need to know by February if I’m staying in this city or going somewhere else. And to be honest I really wanna go.

Part of why I want to experience a new city is because I’ve lived here pretty much my whole life, and it feels weird to be this old and still seeing your parents at least once a week, sometimes more. Additionally I used to have plenty of friends here, and then after college they almost all moved away and the ones left I don’t have much in common with. I want friends who like to play around and be girly and fun and are down for anything, and don’t care about judgement. Everyone I know here is so..... mature. To the point where it’s not really *fun* to hang out with them as much as it is just boring to not hang out with anyone. I want friends who have the same taste in in style and entertainment as I do so it’s not a big deal if I ask them if they want to see Taylor Swift or Ariana Grande in concert... and don’t make me feel like I’m some weird 12 year old trapped in a 25 year old’s body. I like pop, and I’ve never understood why that’s somehow synonymous with immaturity and everyone’s favorite thing to shit talk. Even to your face. It really sucks to feel like even your best friend doesn’t respect you because of something so trivial like your taste in music. And I’m sure that happens in most places too, but this city in particular is also really bad about promoting or hiring any musicians that aren’t southern rock or country. I’ve also noticed that not many people here really have hobbies or interests or passions... like... guys are into video games and football, and girls are into Netflix and their boyfriends. It’s astounding how many people I know who really have virtually no interests at all.

I just feel like the city I’ve been living in is a great place to live... but maybe not necessarily for me. I’d love to live in a bigger city. I’d love to make more money so I can afford to live there, too. Comfortably, and not in a cardboard box.

These are the same rantings as every other blogger you’ll come across, I’m sure. But if you’re going to know why I'm so passionate about this blog and why I feel I need to start something new like this in my life... these are a few reasons why. And all of this is not to say that I don’t appreciate what I have, I really do. I’m totally aware of the blessings that come with my job, my apartment, my city, my friends, acquaintances and family. They’re why I’ve stayed here so long. It’s really hard to leave something that’s so familiar and comfortable and makes your life so easy. But what I’m missing is active joy and growth. Every time I think about the question “Are you happy?” it’s hard for me to answer. Because it’s not like anything is bad in my life. Pretty much everything I have going on is good. So I can really only answer that I’m comfortable... but I’m not necessarily satisfied. I’m content with what I have, but I truly believe there’s got to be more to life that I can attain. I’ve experienced it before. And I’d really like to again.