#bleedingmidnights

I didn’t mean to choose you, it just happened.

Somewhere between a glance and silence, it just, happened.

You stood on the wrong side of my life, and still my heart kept crossing the line like it didn’t understand the rules.

Right person, wrong time. I never understood until I met you how that could possibly be.

There is something said of beginnings that reek of endings.

But to know and still read on,

To know and to still write.

That is what makes the world’s greatest tragedies.

I met you were “almost” lives

between a glance and what gives,

Where hands don’t touch , but feel the same

And silence somehow speaks your name.

You were never mine to keep, just a promise I couldn’t keep,a quiet ache,a borrowed light, that stayed with me through the night.

I learned your laugh, your way of being. The art of loving without seeing a future where you could stay with me. Just fragments of a “could have been” sea.

Somewhere between chance and timing,Love happened.

You felt like a home I wasn’t allowed to live in.

I don’t remember the exact moment I fell for you. I just remember this much:

One day, you were just there

And the next you were everywhere in my thoughts.

Even now, I pretend it’s nothing.

But my heart knows, I chose someone I was never meant to have.

You never promised me anything,and I never even asked.

Still, between conversations and stolen glances

My heart built a story that reality could never complete.

You belong to a world that was never meant to include me.

But my heart didn’t care about the boundaries

If I am meant to be alone, please take away my desire to feel loved.

Wanting people to consider you as their choice and not an apology should be mandatory; and yet it feels voluntary.

I feel my heart breaking again,

That silent ache that burns and feels like anxiety clawing its way out of my chest.

Maybe my curse is being understanding and sensitive at the same time.

Always willing to accept any form of apology.

I understand why you did what you did, but it hurts. Carrying your burdens for you, to not upset you.

Why is it always maybe when it comes to me? Not a yes, or a no. Just this endless space in between.

Giving pieces of myself like it means something. And still, I end up as the almost, the maybe someday, the unsure.

Why can’t I be someone’s “I’m certain”

Why do I have to be the pause between decisions?

I don’t want my life to be a collection of being let go.

Maybe this time, I’ll be enough.

…

I’m not.

And I don’t know if I believe it’s a coincidence anymore.

For once, I’d like someone to choose me purposefully.

I loved you in unprotected ways.

No walls, armor or escape plans.

Giving you access to the parts of me that don’t even speak out loud.

Soft-backed thoughts, fragile hours. The place where grief goes to rest. You didn’t ruin me. You thinned me. Leaving me lighter in the wrong places.

Mistaking your half light for sunrise.

Carving space for you inside my ribs. Moving my heart aside, so you could sit comfortably. Ignoring the tremble of my intuition. The way your words felt borrowed. Starving myself of dignity, just to feed you affection.

Swallowing my needs so you wouldn't feel pressured.

Leaving me with love that feels like self-betrayal.

I stayed longer than dignity allowed, but shorter than love should have lasted. I have loved in fragments, in unfinished sentences.

Allowing myself to become weak; for you.

Only, for you.

I didn’t cry tonight. I have always known how to stand tall. How to swallow storms, and lace my spine with steel. Crying means there is still hope. Hiding somewhere in my ribs. Tonight, there was only quiet. A heavy, unmoving quiet. I kept carving space inside myself for you. Overlooking, making myself smaller, rewriting the storyline.

Laying down this version of us, that only I was fighting for. This isn’t a goodbye, this is a burial.

I don’t hate you. That would be the easier route. We didn’t end, we collapsed. Your name on my tongue, an unspoken oath. I stood up for you, defending you when it would have been easier to stay silent. Trusting you enough to believe you wouldn’t put me in that position.

Ready and willing to burn the world down for you, only to realize that my deepest wound would be from standing against you.

Lie to me, my love

Tell me that it would kill you,to leave me

Tell me that you’ll love me

Whisper all those sweet lines

And i would fall, every single time

Give me a sign, and i would wait

For you, my love

For all the love that was never mine

All the lies that failed to keep us apart

I would wait, all over again

Without hesitation, my love

I would shatter my ego

Stitch my heart back up

And wear your favorite smile

Keep lying to me, my love

Tell me that you’d stay

Forever,

This time.

 Most people think it is a weakness to be on my knees for another. But there is power in the trust it takes to freely give myself completely to you.

The true beauty of submission lies in the will not the act.

      It is the sensation that travels up my spine, and settles deep in my bones. It is the devotion that spills from my eyes as I look up at the person I love and cherish. It is the tingling that echoes in my heart as I am complimented for following through. 

     In this energetic bond between you and I, where emotional intelligence meets raw honesty. It creates desire fueled by understanding, not impulsive desperation. Where the “Yes, Sir” becomes an oath of body and soul. I surrender because I want to be taken to that place where reason and thought disappear. Knowing fully, that my body, mind and soul are in your hands. I am submissive by choice, and stubborn by nature. You, my love, have earned this part of me. Authentic consent; mindful, willing and completely un-coerced. Because of this, I want to please you. And in return, I take my own pleasure in knowing I’ve done well. 

.....

And in the end, you breaking that trust, was the end of me. 

I can never get that submission back. And isn’t that a shame? 

To be so vulnerable and laid bare, to look up at you and see the disappointment in your eyes. The hatred for me falling from your lips, as I sit here on my knees for you. Whimpers of love pouring from my body, as you empty your disdain into me, only to be left alone once all is done. I reach for you, and end up grasping the air where you stood. I gave my purest self to you, and that still wasn’t enough. Laid myself bare, vulnerable and helpless as I watched you prove my devotion wasn’t good enough.

I memorized absence like scripture, turned delay into faith and built a lifetime inside a moment that never came. You walked away and never looked back, leaving me to pick up the pieces of myself that I tried to hide with every waking breath. I kept a place for you in every tomorrow, even after all of my yesterdays learned you weren’t coming. Our love, our hearts, tied by that invisible fucking string, haunts me. While the clock moved on, I did not. 

Waiting, waiting, waiting…

Rotting on a bed of poppies, eternally in a state of silence and mourning. Staying loyal to a promise you never made. Forever in waiting, forever in writing. And as the last nail seals my coffin and I slip into my long awaited sleep, you’ll still find me holding that fragile thread- the one that stitched us together. Two hearts, one soul. So enveloped by the threads of time. 

How do you lie, without flinching? 

I give love, as if it’s my last breath. Giving freely, without reserve. Even in the aftermath,I still soften for you. Sitting with heavy thoughts of how different life could've been if I ever received what I was giving,in return. Wondering countless hours, if I spent even half my time alive living instead of healing. 

Maybe, in a different lifetime, I didn’t silence my heart. 

I left when the respect left. 

Maybe, in another lifetime, I don’t beg to be chosen. 

I didn’t turn my wounds into apologies. 

I didn’t stay to prove my loyalty to someone who couldn’t understand how to treat me gently. Maybe, in another lifetime, I don’t sit watching things happen as if I'm a ghost haunting my own body. 

A quiet panic sits in my bones. A slow burning ache. Never becoming fire nor ash. Always lingering. 

Always at the surface of being more. 

Regurgitating the same old conversations.

Spending hours rewriting memories to make it my fault. 

Using my best colors to make your portrait, bleeding out onto the canvas grey skies and yellow smiles. Marking up the bylines in  blood ink, criss crossing, rusting away and rearranging the storyline. Never your fault, always mine. That metallic taste fills my mouth every time I tell someone the ‘new’ story of us. Always a lie, never the truth. I swallow the truth,and cry softly, while the tears burn my insides. My heart is not whole, it is rotting away. Piece by piece.

Some of us are easy to keep, but impossible to choose. 

Liked in moments. Needed in pain. Always kind, but kindness is never chosen. Watching the love rot in your eyes. That loving glow, dwindling, expiring right before me. Tonight, I will lay down my weapons for you. I surrender because losing me has never ruined anyone.For once I want my absence to sting. I want my silence to be deafening. I want my leaving to be catastrophic. I want the aftermath impossible to sweep away.I want, just once, to be the kind of loss that lingers. 

I would prefer to keep it anonymous, Thanks!