#bl headcanons

“Your kidding.” You asked, aghastly. You sat there at your dinner table with your fiance. “Your fucking kidding, right Nagi??” you repeated again when you don't get a response from Seishiro. Nothing but a unimpressed look, his lips curled into a thin frown that awfully matched his low-lidded eyes.

You can't help but let out a pitiful laugh when you come to the realization that he wasn't kidding. “So, that's it? we've been together for 3 years, and 5 months and you're going to throw all of that out of the window? For a fucking sport.” You sneered at him, your words contaminated with such pure anger that you could be considered hostile.

“i thought you'd be happy for me.” Nagi replied, stolidly. He sat his fork down and positioned his attention back onto you. “Fuckin' hell. Happy for you??” You grimace at his statement. “My supposed-to-be future husband is leaving me. What about that should i be fucking happy about??” The volume of your voice had amplified at the sheer audacity Nagi had.

“You said that if i decided to chase my goals then you'd support me.” He scoffed, narrowing his eyes and Crinkling his eyebrows at your melodramatic outburst.

“Because i didn't think that you'd leave me behind to chase after them! Do you even hear yourself?? Why are you so fucking nonchalant about this?” You asked. Nagi heard the way your words wavered shakily, he could hear the fear and heartbreak setting in.

You saw his decision as Cold-hearted and selfish, the fact he didn't even show a sense of sadness about the whole situation is what hurt you the most.

But Nagi wasn't apathetic, not nearly. No, he was simply stoic. He saw how his sudden decision had truly hurt you, and he did feel guilt and remorse for it because stoicism wasn't feeling guiltless. it was feeling guilt and being able to hide it, a strong sense of self-control. “Because I'm certain that this is the right choice. You know that i love you. i love you so much but i can't balance out my career and our marriage...” He affirmed, confidently.

You didn't respond. You felt your words get caught in the back of your throat, Tears forming on your lower lashes. You couldn't believe your ears, you couldn't believe nor imagine the day that your future husband would choose his career over you.

The realization of this wasn't bearable. You sat there in silence and simply stared at your fiance. He's not oblivious, he can see the pain and heartache reflecting in your eyes. "Nagi..." You desperately rasped as you felt the urge to sob loudly, clawing at your throat.

an infinity of silence had passed before you snapped out of your thoughts when you noticed Nagi stand from his chair. You spared him any questions on his intentions when he rounded the table and moved towards you.

“Stand up.” were his only words. You wiped your tears away with your sleeves and stood as he'd asked, the last thing you expected him to do was pull you into a warm embrace. tightly hugging you close to him. “I'm sorry, baby.” he murmured, planting a soft kiss onto the shell of your ear. “I'd never intentionally hurt you, but i don't think i can keep struggling to balance out two things i love.” He said, softly.

You didn't bother to hug him back. Fuck, he didn't deserve any responding affection. "So, when?" you asked, pushing him away from you. an act of rightful bitterness, he just blatantly told you he was choosing his friends and career over you.

You had ever right to withhold yourself. "When do you plan on leaving?" You questioned him, irritably.

"Saturday of next week. if i manage to move out soon enough, isagi said that I'd be able to move in with him." Although he was a bit hurt by your denial of his loving gesture, he partly knew you had the right away.

"i know your hurt but if it's alright could we finish dinner? it might be one of the last memories I'll have with you." Nagi justified, placing himself back into the chair he sat at a few moments ago.

You considered it. You considering that maybe if you did everything he asked, said everything he wanted to hear that maybe he'd change his mind. a grim and painful sense of contempt shot through your body at that ridiculous thought. it coursed through your veins like cocaine.

You couldn't respond― no, wouldn't respond sensibly. You refused to be nice to the same man who thought that kicking a ball around was more important than you.

"Fuck you, Nagi." You sneer angrily. "if you think that we can just go back to eating as if nothing happened then you thought wrong."

Nagi didn't respond, neither did he try and stop you from leaving the kitchen. He sat there and ate alone that night, evaluating if his decision was a good one but no matter how logically he attempted to look at it, his heart longed for the feeling of freedom.

The raw rush of adrenaline that came from running across that huge field, the feeling of the entire stadium looking at him and calling out his name as if he were they're saviour. it was then that as he put his plate into the sink, he felt his mind give him the ambivalent consolation that leaving you will be a brave and righteous thing.

Nagi slept on the couch that night, and going forward. He didn't necessarily want too but after he broke the news to you, he never felt as welcomed into the bedroom as he used too. He'd try to hold you, kiss you and yet you never indulged in the romantic gestures like you did before. You'd ignore him, or push him away. You gave him nothing as punishment for taking away everything.

Everyday felt like a heartache. your relationship managed to dull out within a few days. it felt like a married old couple who were waiting for they're divorce to settle. But nothing prepared you for the day to actually come.

You sat there on the couch, watching Nagi handle his taped boxes, a contempt frown plastered on your face. it'd only been two weeks so logically you weren't over this sudden change. “Here, take this one. I'll carry the other two.” you heard Nagi's voice echo from the kitchen. oh, that's right. Reo is here.

Mikage reo, Your ex-fiance's best friend. It made sense that out of everyone, reo was the first person he'd call to help. Although this was such a grim and glum moment in your life, the random exchanges of conversation reo would gift you while grabbing boxes had admittedly dampened the anguish and bitterly feeling that settled in the pit of your heart.

Sometimes, you couldn't help the slight twitch of your lips when he'd crack a pitiful joke. But it was never enough to actually make you smile, and why would it? this was one of the worst days of your life. But you deeply appreciated the attempts reo had made.

“Stay here, I'm gonna take these over to isagi's house.” Seishiro exclaimed, dryly. He grabbed the car keys from off the counter. “Then I'll come back for the last four.” he informed, looking at reo who had taken a seat next to you on the couch. “alright, I'll sit here and rest for a bit!” Reo stretched, carefully not to accidentally hit you.

Nagi hummed in recognition before leaving. Only after a few minutes of Nagi's absence did reo finally stir up the courage to speak too you. “Hey.” He coo'd, successfully catching your attention. Your eyes meeting Reo's sympathetic purple ones.

“I'm sorry about what my friend is putting you through. Man, i know how painful it must be.” He sympathized, turning his body to face you. You couldn't help but hear him out. “Do you?” You asked, piqued.

“Yeah.” Reo replied, diffended. “When we were teenagers, Nagi left my side to be on isagi's side.” Despite the friendly smile on his face, there was a sort of bitterness deep in the crevices of his words. Almost as if he wasn't entirely over the whole ordeal.

“He wanted to win so badly. He didn't even hesitate to walk away.” Reo sighed. “He probably doesn't think about it as much as i still do but ...” He hadn't even realized that the smile he wore a second ago had formed into a conflicted frown. “I'm sorry that happened to you, Reo.” You spoke up, pulling him from his thoughts.

“if that's the case, then I'm sure you can imagine how awful it feels for me now.” You muttered, looking at the ground. “Yeah, i can.” Mikage replied.

There was a deep silence. The type where you could tell both parties that built the conversation were equally in deep thought.

“Do you think ... maybe i did something?” You sudden asked, to the man's dismay. “Huh?” He responded, curiously. “Could you elaborate?” he asked. Reo wasn't an idiot, he knew what you meant and this feeling of self-doubt that you gave off had felt all-too-familiar.

You took a deep breath to calm yourself. “i mean like, do you think i might've did something that Nagi didn't seem to like and that's what made him choose Soccer?” You quizzed, nervously.

“i can't answer that.” He admitted, but immediately regret it when he saw your crestfallen expression. “He told me about his plan on divorcing you, earlier on. I tried to convince him not to do it.” He added.

You hadn't replied to Reo, which gave him the space to continue talking. “y'know...” he cleared his throat. There was a long moment of comforting silence before Reo spoke again.

“I'd never abandon you the way he did." those words reeled you in, you look over at Reo with a intrigued look. “What kind of person leaves the love of their life for a sport.” he muttered. His words left a strange sensation in your chest, you couldn't quite pick at what it was, but you felt like you knew what he was about to say.

in any other case, if you and Seishiro were still fiances then you would've stopped Reo in his tracks.

“What are you saying?” You questioned in a curious tone. You knew what he was saying, but you wanted to hear Reo confirm it by himself. “I'm saying that Nagi is making such a huge mistake.” He replied, frustrated.

“he's my best friend. i want nothing but for him to be happy. But the fact being happy means discarding someone so...” Reo paused for a moment.

“So?” You encouraged him to finish his sentence. “So ..Perfect.” Reo concluded. You couldn't withhold the feeling of your heart fluttering in your chest at his words. The way he spoke to you with such delicacy and warmth. You couldn't think of him as anything but sincere.

“Perfect?” You repeated, in disbelief.

“Perfect.” He'd confirmed, inching closer to you. out of respect, he waited a moment and glanced at your reaction. once he saw no hints of uncomfort, he proceeded to keep speaking.

“I know your probably too shocked to reply, I mean I wouldn't blame you. Your ex-fiance's best friend is confessing to you.” Reo couldn't suppress his Nervous laughter when he saw your surprised expression. “But I really do think your perfect.” He sighed.

“And ... How long did you think I was perfect..?” You asked, you couldn't help the small dosage of curiosity that you felt.

“Since I'd first met you.” he replied. “i didn't say anything at first because you and Nagi were so in love.” Reo said. “I—I wanted to tell you, but I didn't wanna hurt Nagi or make our relationship weird because I attempted to come onto his lover.” He justified. His excuse made sense, it would've been wrong if he tried to convince you to date him when you and Nagi were still together.

“But if I would've know that he'd end up hurting you.” he halted his sentence, his deep lavender gaze connecting with yours. “i would've stolen you a long time ago.” Mikage affirmed emphatically.

You could feel you heart pounding at his words, strongly. The thought that all this time, for the past 3 years, Reo was madly lovesick for you. Something about knowing this made you feel delighted.

After a considerable amount of silence, time to think on what your response to all of this abrupt and unforseen information would be, and within a moment you knew what you wanted to say.

“You told me that Nagi and me being in a relationship stopped you, right?" You asked, Your question being answered when Reo nodded solemnly. “But— .. what's stopping you now?” You asked, boldly. Your words admittedly took him by surprise, never did he expect that you'd accept his confession, much less, encourage it.

He took in your question, giving it a moment of thought, he realized you were right. Nagi had practically thrown you aside for the sake of his career. Which means you weren't seeing anyone, and that realization gave him a substantially Marvelous sense of Buoyancy.

“Absolutely nothing.” He replied, sanguinely.

Subsequently after estimated 35 minutes, Nagi had returned to collect his last few boxes. Blissfully unaware of your imminently established relationship with Reo. The way Reo was able to function so casually around Nagi was almost astonishing. smiling as if he didn't just propose a new relationship with his childhood friend's ex-fiance.

That month was full of unexpected events, things that you'd never seen coming. Although you were still faintly offended and hurt by Nagi's decision, something about being with Reo substantially dulled that trivial feeling of abandonment.

You never wanted to compare anyone, but you couldn't help but notice that Reo was furthermore blithesome and open-minded than Nagi when it came to your relationship. Supposedly it was because he didn't have a trait of laziness like Nagi did, or maybe it was due to his constant consideration for your feelings and how he'd consult you before making any big or rash decisions.

Whatever it was, it kept you chained to him. During Your Drive to go and pick Reo up, you came to a sudden comprehension that you were possibly indulging in this relationship with Reo far more than you were with the one you had with Nagi. You were happier.

You and Reo agreed to keep your relationship hidden from Nagi for a lengthy amount of time. Until the residues of the dissolving love he had for you were flushed from his mind. Of course, when it was revealed years later, it was a slip-up on Reo's part.

After the ending of a soccer match against a competing team, Reo and Nagi's Team had managed to win, almost effortlessly. No matter how accustomed Reo was too winning, managing to do it again always gave him an ardent feeling of exhilaration.

So when you were standing outside the arena, waiting for him to come out so you could take him home, he managed to greet you in such a beauteous way. a energetic kiss and a hug, you couldn't do anything but laugh at his victorious grin. “I'm assuming you won, again. Tell me about it.” You invited sweetly. Your common interest in his day was like being wrapped in saccharine.

So enraptured with your daily reunion with Reo, you both hadn't noticed Nagi watching with aghast, while his other teammates passed him, leaving. He'd seen the way Reo almost knocked you over with how energetic he was to see you, and how tightly he held your waist. How close you were.

Something about this scene of the two of you being so affection with each other triggered a melancholic jealousy, and for a moment he'd planned to say something, until he felt his mind go back to the day he'd stepped away from you for his career.

Nagi knew that was his moral compass reminding him that Reo dating you was completely fair, especially since you and Nagi were officially divorced.

it wasn't like you were cheating on him, but even then as he watching Reo babble on about how he dominated the field, and watched how you lovingly took in ever single detail Reo spouted, he couldn't help but begin to regret his decision.

Attempting to get you back was out of the question, It would involve betraying Reo. He'd already hurt Reo before in the past, and he promised himself he wouldn't do it again.

So all he could do was sit on the sidelines and watch Mikage love you in a way he wouldn't.

Xyhoo·  ·  ·  · ✦ ― do not copy, modify, sell, or repost any of my work on any platform, or claim it as yours. 02/19/2023. ― 11:23 AM.

Okay, so I’m pretty sure I can trace Jack’s BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) back to his grandmother. His mum abandoned him, which shows a reckless/irresponsible behaviour and her mum had fits of rage that didn’t correlate at all with the trigger (ie; drowning Jack’s cat because he didn’t make his bed). So I think he has a family history of it, with both his mother and grandmother having BPD and passing it down to him.

Either way, Jack definitely has it. In fact, he’s a textbook case of it.

Impulsivity

Spending sprees: he bought a pony made of diamonds because he was bored and throws money at all kinds of ventures to keep him occupied and because he wants to. I really don’t know how else to describe this one lol. He bought a pony. Made of diamonds. Because he could.

Gambling: won some of the things on his trophy shelf through poker and owns an entire casino. Hunting the Vaults themselves were a huge gamble too, especially the first two, since he wasn’t truly sure that they existed. He was prepared to sacrifice a lot in order to come out on top in both his career and his social standing. All in all, he’s reckless.

Binge eating: he doesn’t even like pretzels, but still eats them because he’s either bored or stressed. Talks about food quite a bit in conversation, too, especially his cravings.

Substance abuse: admits to being high on uppers for the duration of the pre sequel (and his time on Elpis as a whole) and tells further anecdotes about drugs and getting high in tftbl.

Promiscuity/unsafe sex: nothing about having sex with Nisha is safe lol. But in all seriousness, there’s no way to prove this one. He does strike me as the reckless sex sort though. No proof, just 7 years of knowing him as a character.

Emotional instability

Inappropriate trigger response: he strangles a man to death for simply mentioning his wife, stabs Lilith for talking about Angel, and tries to kill Rhys for not being sure about his grand plan (more on this later). His response to triggers is disproportionate, often resulting in extreme anger over small things that don’t warrant that intense of a reaction. He gets big angry about almost everything; there’s no middle ground. His reaction is never really “you’re annoying me a lot” or “don’t talk about that, I don’t like it.” His reaction to almost everything is “oh my god I will murder your first born child how dare you-”

Quickly changing mood: aside from being prone to fits of rage at the flick of a switch, Jack also flicks back to “normal” pretty quickly, too. He flips between telling you to kill yourself after surviving the train and then talks casually about his day. He’ll be filled with rage after Angel’s death and then suddenly he’s laughing about you jumping into lava and having fun tricking you into visiting his grandmother. He can be intensely angry or sorrowful one moment and then nonchalant and sociable the next. His moods don’t last very long.

Idolisation/devaluation

Jack does this with numerous people across the games, but the two shining examples are Moxxi and Rhys; Rhys being the most notable. He idolises Moxxi, complimenting her on how attractive she is and how smart she is and including her in his circle of close friends/teammates. Then the inevitable happens and she lets him down and he instantly changes his opinion on her as if he’d never thought she was good to begin with. The same happens with Rhys. Throughout tftbl, Jack is best friends with Rhys and seems to form a one-sided connection with him where he idolises him and thinks they’re going to be best friends for ever and that they’re the perfect team. You cannot make him mad at you in tftbl (trust me, I’ve tried). He’s encouraging to Rhys the whole way through, like they’re brothers. Then the second Rhys displays doubts about something Jack is passionate about, Jack reacts violently and completely devalues Rhys, claiming him to be his mortal enemy and trying to kill him. People with BPD do this often. They have strong convictions and have a tendency to feel betrayed by people who go against those convictions. Jack does this regularly and it leads to the breakup of a lot of his relationships.

Paranoia

He vented a room full of scientists into space, just in case. I mean, that pretty much sums it up, really. Jack is under a lot of stress at this point in the game and stress-induced paranoia is a particularly difficult symptom of BPD. With him already feeling the pressure, the mention of a possible mole is a huge trigger for Jack. Especially since he’s reeling from the recent betrayal from a friend. His brain is already working over time, planting uneasy feelings of distrust and being unsafe. So when he’s presented with the idea from an outside source, he runs with it. Betrayal goes on to become a big button to push in Jack’s life to the extent that he actively betrays people before they get a chance to betray him (ie; killing Wilhelm). Paranoia feeds into a lot of Jack’s bad decisions, particularly in the pre sequel era.

Delusion

Jack wasn’t lying when he told us that he’s the hero. He absolutely was not the hero at all, but he wasn’t lying about it. Because lying about something implies that you know it’s not true, and Jack genuinely believes he’s a good person. The best person, in fact. It’s not a lie because in his mind, it’s the god given truth. He’s massively delusional, even before the events of the pre sequel. He’ll spout all the cheesy 80s movie lines about saving the moon and being the hero and he thinks he’s the protagonist of his own big adventure. We know that’s not what’s happening, but Jack doesn’t see it that way. Another delusion is the idea he has about how much everyone loves him. He thinks Moxxi is obsessed with him and he thinks Angel is being forced to work against him. He cannot conceive of a world in which people don’t like him or agree with him. Because why wouldn’t they agree with him? He’s the hero. Everybody loves the hero...

Intense but unstable relationships

Moxxi, Angel, Lilith, the Vault Hunter; I could go on. Jack’s relationships with people are volatile and rocky, even when they’re seemingly on the same side like with Moxxi or even Nisha (who he forms a tight bond with very quickly). People with BPD feel all emotions intensely, which causes a roller coaster. Jack really likes Moxxi, but then he doesn’t want to talk to her, but then he wants her on the team, but then he gets mad at her for calling him a pet name and beign friendly, and then he’s telling her she’s sexy, and then he’s cursing her, and then he’s hanging pictures of her in his casino. It’s the same with Angel - he subjects her to physical torture, then he loves her, then he’s mad at her for helping the Vault Hunter, then he’s doting on her, then he’s manipulating her, then he’s grieving for her. Everything is a whirlwind.

Distorted self-image

Oh boy. Jack has this physically and mentally. Mentally in the sense that he thinks he’s a good person when he actions are abhorrent and also because he’s massively insecure. BPD often comes with a lack of identity, which causes insecurity to begin with. Throw that in a pot alongside some childhood abuse, betrayal, work place bullying, and grief, and you got yourself a big pot of insecurity soup. Put plainly, Jack doesn’t really know who he is at his baseline. His personality and interests and ideas and needs all change on an hourly basis. He morphs to suit his circumstances. He can be open, honest and down to earth when he’s trying to trick Rhys. He can be full of worry and desperation when he needs you to head to grandma’s house. He can be cunning and clever when he’s tricking you into killing Wilhelm. He can be fatherly, he can be nasty, he can be torturous, he can be laid back, he can be clever, he can be ignorant, he can be sheepish, he can be cocky. He’s everyone and no one all at once and this probably leaves him feeling very hollow and empty; which is another symptom of BPD. In the physical sense, Jack issues with self image are pretty clear. He wears a face over his face to hide his face. Yup. And he does this because he thinks he’s disgracefully ugly. This scar he’s so vehemently protective of is something that defines his whole persona going forward. He literally claims himself as Handsome Jack, forcing people to adhere to the idea that he’s so attractive that it should be his title. Even though he doesn’t feel that way and does everything he can to hide the real him. He thinks he’s hideous and he struggles between loving himself and hating himself because of it.

Fear of abandonment

Aaaand here we are at the crux of the problem. BPD boils down to the intense fear of abandonment and this is probably what guides Jack for most of his life. His father died, his mother literally abandoned him, his grandmother neglected him, his first wife died, second wife left, girlfriend and friends betrayed him, and daughter killed herself to get away from him. Abandonment is practically coded into Jack’s DNA at this point and every time it happens, it confirms his fears more. He clings to Moxxi after she betrays him - taking her ideas to try and rile her up and even going as far as to recreate her entire bar in his casino because he wants to keep her presence around. He fights tooth and claw against Angel’s rebellion, begging both her and you to stop what you’re doing and leave. The only time he begs you is when he’s facing perceived abandonment, that’s how strong the fear is. His final words to Angel are “I’ll still forgive you.” Jack isn’t a forgiving man by any stretch, but he’ll say anything he has to in order to prevent her from leaving him. He’ll stalk people, he’ll manipulate them, he’ll lie to them or keep them physically locked up - all to prevent them from abandoning him. The worst possible thing that could happen to Jack is that, and we see the spiral he slips into after Angel. After Moxxi. After the Meriff. After his wife. He can’t bare the thought of someone leaving him and he’ll do anything and everything to prevent his fears becoming a reality.