my forthcoming because of heartstopper and all lgbtqia+-represented content
"I'll never be happy. I'll never be who I want to be. I hate being in this situation.", I used to say this a lot every time I catch myself struggling with hiding the real me from the people important to me.
Hi, everyone, my name is Nico, 21 years old and from the Philippines. I don't really get in-depth with my life stories on my wall but I will share this because this might help people out there who are still in the shadows and are only looking for that one light to lead them to the out. Now, a friendly reminder, this is a long read. lol
When I was 11, I realized that I was never going to be what my family expects me to be --- someone who was going to bring a woman into our house to marry. Within those years, I've experienced so many crises that I almost didn't really feel like my existence really mattered at all. I reflect a lot on Charlie. I was always getting bullied for hiding something I didn't have the courage to let out until I actually came out.. I hid and hid through all the possible times I could've gotten out of situations that would've made my life easier but I was too scared to just let the whole world know who I am.. I hid who I felt I really was for 10 years, I was answering denials every time someone asks me even though the assurance that it was okay was always there..
9th grade came and I was about 18 at that time, 3 people came into my life.. my instincts came running to me saying that these people are the best people fit to tell about myself, I trusted them with my deepest secret, we became best of friends, and we still are up to this day. That was the first light I saw, that the first step towards acceptance is having that one or two people who will make sure that everything will be alright if you do 'you'.. After I opened up to that 3 people, I started telling my other friends about 'me' where to my surprise, everyone was telling me that 'so what? you're still my friend! nothing's gonna change!'. I was slowly going out of the dark, though I was still wearing my 'straight' face when I face my family. My friends already knew about my identity but I kept it from my family, yet, because it was the hardest thing (for me) to do since I have noticed that some of them are not really open to these things and were already used to seeing me act masculine when they're around. The Philippines is a conservative and bible-centric country where LGBTQIA+ acceptance is still in question at this point. They know we exist, they tolerate our existence, but they don't really put emphasis on the fact that we deserve the same respect as straights do. However, I know that the future of the LGBTQIA+ community here will see better days.
Anyways, years passed, and then, came my 11th-grade year when I enrolled myself in a Christian school because I took the risks of challenging what I really feel about myself. I felt like I was back in my dark cage when I went there. I met friends who became my best of friends, too, and told them about who I really was and they were really accepting and encouraging, at the end of the day, when I came out to them, they said they gained more respect for me for opening up knowing that they were too deep into the Bible as their moral compass. Going there made me realize that there was nothing wrong with me at all, the problem was that people are just so keen on attaching themselves to the norms and old ways without really acknowledging the changes in the society. After that realization, I knew I had to come out eventually after I graduate High School but the doubts overshadowed too much of my confidence.
Then, the pandemic came and I was stuck in the house with my family. Feeling really suffocated, I waited for the right time to tell them because I knew I didn't want to go to college with the burden of my identity still hidden. Most of my times at home were spent from doing school work and watching a bunch of BL series (2gether caused me to google a lot after). Seeing these same-sex couples especially Kongpob and Arthit in SOTUS being happy was the turning point for me. I realized that I didn't want to live in other people's expectations but as 'me'. I want to be happy and joyful on my own terms.
June 11, 2021, while we were celebrating Father's Day and everyone was in the mood for fun. I found the right place and time to come clean to my Mom. "Mom, I'm gay.", I said to my Mom after hiding for 10 years. My Mom hugged me and said, "I know, and thank you for telling me. I love you and that's not gonna change." I cried and cried because I was so afraid that she was gonna react differently and that I'd have to deal with their negativity if they would decline my confession, but after that day, everyone was as supportive as they could ever be --- even my brother who I used to hate for teasing me about being gay and questioning my sexuality. Now, that I was free from that dark space in my family, the next step was to come out to the world.
Last December 12, 2021, my 21st birthday, I posted my coming-out moment where I received nothing but support and cheers from the people who know me.
There, I was finally free from all the questions and speculations. I started by trusting someone, then, letting destiny lead me to where I am now. I know this may not be the case for everyone but I hope this serves as a guide that the first step in coming out is always to tell a person or two who is interested in knowing your story. That would be the greatest relief you'll ever get and I promise you that.
Now, when Heartstopper was released, I saw a perfect and realistic depiction of two young people having their own different identities getting matched by love. Love isn't just defined by gender or what your religious beliefs are. Love is free and it can be found everywhere if our hearts are free from hatred. However, love is much stronger when self-acceptance is present. Heartstopper, like any other LGBTQIA+-represented content, proves that love isn't limited between a male and a female, it's for everyone who can feel it.
Coming out is not easy but you shouldn't have to walk through it alone. You always have people around you that will 100% support whatever you choose to believe you want yourself to be. You are not wrong, you are valid, and you certainly deserve love.
Nico, 21, gay, Philippines
