being bisexual in a straight-passing relationship
so something I'd like to talk about is being in a straight-passing relationship while still being queer. I've been with my male partner for 6 1/2 years now and we are getting married in January, so I will likely be in a straight-passing relationship for the rest of my life and I wanted to talk about that.
being in a straight-passing relationship doesn't make you less queer or a less valid part of the lgbtqia+ community, a lot of what I see and hear is "pick a side" "you either like men or women" "if you're with a man, you're straight. if you're with a woman, you're gay." and that's just not true. it is something that bothers me, especially from straight people but it can also occur even in our own community. there is a lot of biphobia and it makes me so sad. my relationships have primarily been with males, but that doesn't make me any less bisexual. I have had experiences with girls but even if I hadn't, that still wouldn't make me any less bisexual. I've never had a committed relationship with a girl, I am getting married to a man, I am STILL bisexual and that doesn't erase my bisexuality. and this goes for every situation and sexuality, just because what others see doesn't match up to their idea of being bisexual, gay, pansexual, transgender or any other part of the lgbt community, it doesn't make it any less so, you know who you are, you define who you are, not other people.
I came out to my family as bisexual a few years ago now, and they were all okay with it so I am very grateful for that, but the fact is, they are okay with it because I am with a man, if something happened and I ended up with a woman, I know that wouldn't be okay, but because I am currently in a straight-passing relationship, it is like my bisexuality isn't real. I feel this in a lot of areas of my life, I've been made to feel like a less than member of the lgbt community because there is so much misinformation and misunderstanding about bisexuality.
yes, I am with a man, and yes I am attracted to him, but I am still bisexual, I am still attracted to women, men and everything in between and always will be, I am still bisexual and so is any other bisexual person even if someone else doesn't deem it so, how someone identifies is not your choice. another misconception I've found is people think bisexual people are more likely to be unfaithful and that is another thing that again is just not true and is very biphobic, we are no more likely to cheat than anyone else. if someone cheats, that is an issue with them, and not because of their sexual orientation.
people often think that bisexual means just two genders, male and female, but it can actually mean two or more genders, regardless of gender, attraction to all genders and attraction beyond gender. I am sure this can vary from person to person, some bisexuals may just feel attraction to only men and women and that is okay, but like me, some may feel attraction to two genders or more genders and even all genders, there is no single definitive meaning to bisexual, it can mean what you want and even if the way you identify as bisexual is different to other peoples idea of it, that is okay and valid. I used to believe I was pansexual and while you could say that is still what applies to me, after researching the history and meanings of bisexuality, I identify as being bisexual and I am proud of it.
I intend to do a storytime on here about realising I was bisexual, it isn't too long of a story but my first crushes were on girls, I remember keeping it to myself as I didn't know what that meant and I didn't know if I was gay, I then developed crushes on boys and although I didn't know the term for that back then, I know now and have done for most of my life that I am bisexual. it is a part of my identity that I am proud of.
here are some excerpts from sources I have found that explain this better than I can:
from the Facebook page "Bisexuality Means Regardless of Gender"
For anyone who is new to bisexuality and it's history that seems to contradict information what inaccurate sources tend to say, I wanna say that I understand the confusion. A lot of people I'm sad to say have grown up with a very limited understanding of bisexuality because with the exception of a lucky few, most of us didn't have access to bisexual history or activism and got the bare minimum and narrow description of bisexuality which is the common "attracted to men and woman."
While bisexuals being attracted to men and woman is a technically correct definition since bisexuality does include them, it's not the whole truth and leaves out about 99% of the entire story. What people think that pansexuality is, is in truth what bisexuality has always been.
When it comes to there being a "difference" between bi and pan, honestly there really is no difference between Bi or Pan that many bisexuals cis, trans, and nonbinary alike have pointed out, doesn't end up relying on biphobia, transphobia, bi-erasure of bisexual history or just a lot of misinformation.
The whole reason pansexuality even became popular is because a 2002 Live Journal post by a teenager who also had no knowledge of bisexuality or it's history, said bisexuality was transphobic and only included cis men & woman which ended up spreading biphobia, and transphobia from there because the overwhelming majority of people just didn't have anyone to say "hey that's wrong, this is what bisexuality is" and set the record straight.
In reality bisexuality has always included and welcomed trans, nonbinary, and gender non conforming people even before we had modern terminology to describe them.
The definition "Regardless of gender" itself was invented by bisexual activists to define bisexuality and the modern bisexual movement that started in the 70's. So regardless of gender is bisexualities real definition.
Many people inappropriately try to use the "bi" prefix to argue what bisexuality should mean, and that is called an etymology fallacy. The "bi" in bisexuality doesn't represent a quantity of genders and never has. It refers to bridging the attraction patterns of homo (same as) and hetero (different from) which covers all regardless of gender because it's not based on gender in the first place. People using etymological fallacies to define bi as binary to justify biphobia is wrong and in the end hurts bisexuals. Though I'm just explaining and in no way accusing anybody of doing so.
Unfortunately since a lie and misinformation spread faster than the truth it's taken 20 years to put the pieces of knowledge of what bisexuality truly means back together that were lost or buried due to bi-erasure.
To quote Bisexual activists Janet Bode who invented the definition of regardless of gender in her book (The Pressure Cooker) : "Being bisexual does not mean having sexual relations with both sexes, but that they are capable of meaningful and intimate involvement with a person regardless of gender" - 1976
a comment I particularly love by Grey Martin
One way I explain it to people is bi doesn't mean men and women, it means hetero and homo which means genders like and unlike your own (which includes all genders, in a tautological sense).
I am not the best at explaining or a great speaker but I hope this helps explain it to some who may not understand or to those who just seem committed to misunderstanding. I am tired of bi phobia and bi erasure. we exist by our own definition and we are valid. π©·ππ
before my first pride event a few years ago, I now attend my city's annual pride event every year. β‘
