#bisexual polyamory

Thank you! I'm glad to be posting again.

Great question. I think the easiest solution whenever you think you might be representing some given identities poorly (because of some normal life thing), would be to have another character of the same identity/identities who comes into themselves differently. Maybe there's a character who realizes that hyposexuality or even monogamy was a trauma-based thing for them, and works through it in a way that ends up with their endgame being consensual nonmonogamy.

I'd also maybe explore the label of ambiamorous for your character. I know a lot of folks with this label who kind of identify as polyamorous or monogamous based on whatever their current partnership situation is (usually based on how their partners identify). I know some polyamorous people feel like it's more of a functional label on a relationship rather than an identity, and I think that's totally valid. I personally used to identify with it on that level but nowadays I really don't think I could live any differently, just because my relationship with the idea of monogamy was really stressful and unhealthy for me. I don't know how these kinds of labels relate to your characters, but I think trying to figure out how they relate to these labels might be helpful for readers to kind of gauge the messaging a bit. If it turns out someone identified with polyamory as a functional label rather than an identity, that can kind of make it seem less like someone is being converted away from it - especially if there's rep from another character somewhere (even a minor character who shows up like twice) who clearly states this is a part of them, could make a difference.

I also would want to caution away from representing the monogamy as being, "I love you enough to change." I think this is an idea that a lot of monogamously inclined people when they fall in love with polyamorous people - there's the assumption that the polyamorous person must love the monogamous person enough to stop being polyamorous. Honestly, the same also happens in reverse more than a lot of polyamorous people like to talk about. The issue here is that no matter who is making that expectation, it's a message that communicates to a partner that you can't love them as they are. It can land with a similar emotional trauma to telling someone you need them to pretend to be cis, or pretend to be different in some other way according to your partner's preference. (This is different from people trying to maintain safety in settings that are unsafe.)

Sometimes, it is an act of love itself, to be able to recognize that your love needs to shapeshift into something that isn't romantic, in order to accept the whole of who someone is.

I think it might also be a good idea to consider having the endgame relationship have some kind of lessons implemented from non-monogamy, in a way that enriches things and doesn't taint them in any way. For example, in a monogamy-normative society, there tends to be a lot of societal assumptions about what counts as infidelity, and sometimes couples will argue about what "counts" as flirting or cheating in a way that bypasses the underlying issue: that someone is hurt. The "rules" that exist in many relationships can often be implied and undercommunicated, and are often more about what society thinks is shameful or that you should feel hurt by, rather than actually trying to understand your own feelings and what you want your partnership to look like, in open communication and agreement with your partner. There are monogamous relationships that allocishet people have where they say that a married man spending a lot of time with a woman friend is automatically cheating or suspicious (and sometimes it might be, if the social expectation is that this isn't normal). Talking about all these things can be really helpful for anyone. I can't see my own self entering into a monogamous relationship, but if I did, I would want to figure out what the specific boundaries are when it comes to things like cuddling my friends. I'd need to know how they feel about my being friends with my exes. I'd want to know what the best way to approach my partner is if I'm feeling insecure, and how to make them feel comfortable coming to me with the same, and what is reasonable to ask of each other.

I think it's also probably worth thinking about what your character gets out of monogamy and why they want it. Is it something they have always wanted? And what are their motivations for that? Do the motivations come from a place of something unhealthy (like insecurity, desire for control), or something healthy (like just organically not being interested in others in the same way while they are in a relationship with endgame person)?

I read a lot of romance personally, and often find that when writers are trying to signal to the reader that a character is getting a crush, they'll use jealousy as a shortcut to try and express that. I think jealousy is a totally natural feeling, but in my years of polyamory, I tend to feel it less than I used to, and am usually able to immediately recognize and categorize those feelings. I also don't typically feel it in new relationships, just in relationships where we've developed some kind of status quo of how we interact with each other. When I do feel jealousy, I usually take it (like any other emotion) as a sign my body is trying to send me some kind of message that's probably trying to protect me in some way.

There are a lot of things about the overarching monogamy-normative culture we live in that are worth unlearning, no matter who you are. Things like the pressure to get married, have a nuclear family, rely on the stereotypical Relationship Escalator* or else you aren't seen as having a successful relationship in the same way. I think a healthy approach to monogamy means that people aren't just kind of accepting all those things unquestioningly due to societal pressure, but going after those things because that is what they desire. (Of course we can't totally liberate ourselves from our social context, but we are still individuals with feelings, deciding what relationships to pursue, and we still have the power to feel and think critically, no matter whether we can express those thoughts and feelings.) Not monogamy from a place of possession or control over what your partner does, but of a natural mutual focusing of interest toward just the one person. There are a lot of people that try polyamory and struggle with it not because of things that can be worked on, but because they are just inclined toward monogamy, and feel polysaturated (monosaturated? lol) with just one person. Some people have an anchor partner and that's kind of all they are interested in. Monogamy can also have atypical relationship formats, but I digress.

*Footnote: I'd normally link an article explaining what this term is about, but I kind of waffle about what the best one for this is. So here is me just noting that this is an established term with articles about it, worth seeking out for yourself. I use a lot of jargon in this answer in general just for the sake of precision, but you're no less polyamorous if you need me to explain what this stuff means, especially what I specifically mean by it. Just reply to this post and I'll try and help.

Hopefully that gives something to work with. I definitely think adding some other rep would be best, but there's always other things to be done.

Bisexual polyam had their turn.... (pink text on black background next to a collage of the cast of the Mummy)

...now it's time... (in purple text)

I have a group of characters in my story and two of them start dating, and then one of them reunites with her childhood friend/first crush. I wanted to subvert the "Girl has to chose between hot guy and childhood friend" thing and have them end up in a bi4bi4bi polyam relationship instead.

But I just saw a post talking about how it's a bad if bisexual characters are dating/having sex with multiple people because it reinforces the stereotype that bisexuals are greedy.

Is that even a thing? I know that there's a stereotype that bisexuals are cheaters or promiscuous but I don't think I've ever seen a show/movie with a polyam relationship, let alone a polyam relationship with a bisexual character(s).

As a bi polyamorous person, I think the idea that polyamory is some kind of stereotype, or bisexuality is some kind of stereotype, inherently is someone pigeonholing those identities in a harmful way. It sounds like whoever made that post thinks that polyamory implies greed, when it doesn't. It's just a relationship format. It works for some people and for others it doesn't.

There are so many real life people that will probably feel represented by this kind of work. There also already is some representation with mspec (bi/pan/otherwise multiple-gender-attracted people) polyamory out there and they write it pretty well. Iron Widow by Xiran Jay Zhao is one great example of this I think. Really Cute People by Markus Harwood-Jones is another example of a queer triad of everyone being mspec.

Basically, I wouldn't worry about it. Some people who have misunderstandings about polyamory or bisexuality may feel weird about it, but I think that stems from their own ignorance. Neither of those things make someone greedy or entitled. Polyamory is not being careless with other people's hearts, it's not being entitled, etc. (Though there are people who call themselves polyamorous who haven't done much inner work, who may be like that.) If you're really concerned, you can always add some monogamous bi rep in there in passing, but I don't think it's necessary in order to make the main bi4bi4bi triad good representation.

(2/2)Also, in terms of her friend, would it be okay to have her be both, or should I structure it so I have another bi character who isn’t as flirty? The focus is mainly on my main character and her personal struggles, so the secondary characters largely take a step back in the second act of the book, returning for the third and fourth acts. Do you have any other advice for handing this situation delicately? Thank you!!!

This one gets a little more into territory where you should probably run it by someone with DID. (I have friends who have headmates and alters and are otherwise plural but that doesn’t mean I can speak for them.) There are resources for this online, but honestly, I am pretty unfamiliar with what resources out there are reputable enough for me to feel comfortable recommending. (I’m using this as a sign that I should do more reading myself!) But I’ll recommend seeking out and keeping open to folks in plurality communities and what their experiences are. There are definitely some washed out transphobia-disguised-as-allyship opinions posted around about neopronouns (specifically nounself type ones) though so just be mindful that if a speaker isn’t actually trans, they don’t speak for us. (Also, that truscum exist and are outliers to the trans community. Atypical pronouns are cool, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. And most folks with less usual ones will also have auxiliary ones you can use if needed.) Absorb as much as you can without assuming to be an expert and eventually you’ll figure out where the experts are that have their efforts and activism in the right place.

To answer what I can though, what I can tell you is that identities co-existing with each other is never a problem. 

There are lots of folks who are plural/part of a multiples system and have any, some, or all of those folks being non-cis or non-straight. It’s all over the place really, people are super diverse and this extends over. Those identities and experiences are not a stereotype just on the basis that they exist.

As for the second question about the best friend. It’s less relevant to only the plot you’re writing here, and more of a general thing I got from your wording and implications: (I mean, it would still affect your writing but yeah.) I’d say that you may want to challenge the fact that you have mentioned the best friend as being polyamorous and then assumed that this implies a flirty character. You didn’t explicitly state at any point that she was a flirty character, just mentioned that she is polyamorous and then asked if you should make her “less flirty” - which makes it seem synonymous. I know this is a really common misconception, but non-monogamy doesn’t imply someone is necessarily some kind of feisty social butterfly who dates a lot of people separately. It does take social energy that duo-based relationships don’t have, but, depending on the situation and the person, it’s more of a different kind of energy than it is more.

I’ve been in mostly open relationships, and am in one now. I'm a relationship anarchist personally (this can fall under or include polyamory but it’s its own thing). I don’t flirt with people exactly, at all. (I mean it depends how you define it. I guess I flirt with people but I’d consider it more charming reminders to my friends that they are all cute, and beauteous souls, and I love them dearly.) I also don’t pick up very well on if people are flirting with me because I don’t really attach the same emotions to different actions that other people do. I know I’m not the only person like this, even just judging by my own dating history and many of my friends.

Anyway my point is that polyamory =/= [does not equal] a flirtatious personality, or even an extraverted one. But it’s okay if your best friend bi polyamorous character is like this. My usual advice is to have characters who are pretty romantically or sexually forward (etc) say no in at least one scene, for any reason, just to make it more humanizing. Even folks who are almost always down for whatever have boundaries and that’s extremely important to depict. 

It wouldn’t hurt to have another bi character mentioned as being bi in passing, but you don’t need to make it a major character in my opinion, or feature their experiences in the main plot line, just solely based on what you’ve said about your story and described here. I don’t think it ever really hurts to add more representation.