#birdbooks

#1: That time you finally spotted a Golden Crowned Kinglet

You are on a winter walk down by the water. It is a cold and crisp but sunny day. Unexpectedly, you see a small bird in the brush near you. You instantly recognize it as the Golden Crowned Kinglet. How could you ever forget that bird? Remember that bird report in the fourth grade? You had tried, but failed to spot one in the field... until now. Somehow, you feel that if you can get a picture of it with your phone, you will be vindicated in some small but important way. It won’t stop moving long enough for your phone to focus.  You end up with multiple pictures of a blurry, nondescript shape among the leaves. It laughs and flits away. 

“You little son of a bitch,” you think.

You can order The Field Guide to Dumb Birds of North America:

From: Baird, Spencer Fullerton, 1823-1887. A history of North American birds. Boston : Little, Brown, 1875

#4: That time you were trying to sleep in on a Saturday, but a woodpecker mistook your metal rain gutter for a tree, for like an hour

Is this bird for real? It can’t be that difficult to distinguish between aluminum and a rotted tree trunk. You are starting to feel like this is personal.

You can order The Field Guide to Dumb Birds of North America:

#2: Picture Window Provocation

You are fortunate. You are blessed. You look out your large, west facing window, past your cherry trees, at the water and islands of the beautiful Puget Sound. You are a deep state of awe as the setting sun begins dipping behind the snowcapped Olympic Mountains. It lights the sky on fire with hues of pink and orange that can’t be properly described. You are filled with a sense of serenity and gratitude. Or at least you would be, if some bird had not somehow managed to land a huge messy load right in the very exact middle of your goddamned picture window. You are going to have to get a ladder to clean it.

You can order The Field Guide to Dumb Birds of North America:

#3: Cherry Thievery

You have two cherry trees in your backyard. You have lived in this house for four years, but you have never eaten a single cherry from either of those trees. Why, you ask? Because freeloading birds gorge themselves on your fruit before it is even ripe. You are not sure if it is your imagination, but you think you once saw a crow wink at you as it plucked the last of the cherries off of a branch.

You can order The Field Guide to Dumb Birds of North America:

#8: That time your cat bent the venetian blinds trying to get to the hummingbird that felt it necessary to hover two inches from the window in the guest bedroom

You know that technically the cat is to blame, but you can’t really fault him. He was provoked. 

You can order The Field Guide to Dumb Birds of North America:

#5: The Poolside Affront

You are poolside at a resort hotel. You are on a vacation getaway. You don’t get to do this sort of thing very often. It is hot, and you are basking in the sun. You have a tall, cold drink, and a plate of snacks delivered because you are just too relaxed to get up to go eat. There are a number of juvenile Grackles running around the pool, making noise. You are so hot and relaxed that this doesn’t even bother you. It almost amuses you. Then one of them hops up onto the chaise next to you and steals a beakful of food right off your hummus plate. It looks right at you while it steals from you. It’s like like you don’t even matter. You just got mugged by a bird.

You can order The Field Guide to Dumb Birds of North America: