Searching for a place to begin..
Hello, my name is Gina and I'm Bipolar. Or rather, I HAVE bipolar. You see, I am not defined by my illness I have come to learn. I just have it. Bipolar Type 1, with Psychosis, that is. Oh, and both Generalized and Social Anxiety.
I've been throwing around the idea of beginning a blog or something for awhile now, so here I am! I'm hoping that what I write here can be helpful to someone someday, even if all it does is let people know that they are not alone. And who knows, maybe it will show me that I'm not alone either. As a bipolar mom, who is raising a child with mental illness as well, speaking out to help others is very important to me. But, that is a story for another day. Today, I want to back to the beginning. Well, not really the beginning, but back to the time I received my diagnosis.
I was sick for a long time before being properly diagnosed. In the beginning, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety. Consequently, I was prescribed large doses of antidepressants. In the beginning they didn't seem to be effective. But it didn't take long for them to begin pushing me in the other direction..
I stopped sleeping, barely ate. For several months I was surviving on 2 hours is sleep or less each night - many nights I didn't sleep at all! It was strange though, I just wasn't tired during the day.
My creative juices started to flow. I was pumping out projects at a more than healthy rate, inspiration was everywhere! In the span of only a couple of months I had entirely redecorated my house with various DIY projects. I also painted the walls throughout my house.
I did everything quickly. I spoke quickly, moved quickly, drove quickly, etc. My thoughts were racing so quickly I eventually couldn't keep up! The drive I had to just do everything all at once was intense and overwhelming.
Then things began to get scary. My sex drive was the highest it has ever been. I was driven to pursue sexual encounters with strangers. I couldn't get enough, I was constantly thinking about sex and when I could have it next. I had multiple affairs. I put myself in really risky situations with no thought of possible consequences. This was one of the most embarrassing manifestations of my illness.
But then things got scary. I began to hear voices. I began to lose touch with reality. I remember spending an entire night searching my house for something that was burning - the smell was so real! One night I called the police because I KNEW someone was trying to break in. Except.. no one was there or had been there (no tracks in the fresh snow). I was losing my mind, and was too scared to tell anyone.
My husband knew though. We were actually separated at the time, but he knew I wasn't myself. He gave me a booklet about Bipolar Disorder at one point, and urged me to talk to my doctor about it. I eventually did, and was diagnosed after a few sessions. The only thing I remember from my diagnosis are the words "You have Bipolar Type 1 Disorder". Everything after that was a fog.
I began taking medication for my illness, medication that has been changes more times than I can count. I began learning about my illness, reading everything I could about my illness. My husband and I reconciled. I began the long journey towards accepting my illness (4 years later, I'm still not completely there).
I look forward to sharing here, as a way to organize my thoughts and just get them out of my head. Hopefully my rambling can also help someone someday.
