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Bipper: Success!! Absolute triumph! An outstanding outcome, a knock-out out victory!! And Iām not just taking about the bare-knuckle brawl I just had with Wendy because she saw me with the costume on and I wasnāt able to run away fast enough!! Ok, I didnāt beat her up exactly, but I managed to escape with the vessel mostly intact so it still counts by my standards.
Bipper: Dipperās parents have been thoroughly charmed, ās what I mean. Absolutely gobsmacked with the adorable cuteness and quirky persona I crafted, just as expected, and of course they wouldnāt dare deny Dipper a trip here through his short break and risk two tiny broken hearts! Their only caveat has been that Dipper keeps up his grades until then, which shouldnāt be all that difficult since itās not so far away and Ford and I help him a ton with homework, and that we take loads of photos together. Normally I wouldnāt be too happy to have my staggering good looks plastered all around informing everyone of my existence when Iām in this weakened state, but the only person that could possibly do anything bad with such information is trying to friendship again with me so Iām feeling much more lenient on that front. Honestly, Iām just...I havenāt felt this happy in months.
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Best of luck on your interview for the Official Dipper's Boyfriend Position! I like how your resume looks so far, and you got the good presence nailed already. You got a good shot at this ;D
Bill: Well thank you too for the good wishes! Man, you guys keep wishing me luck on this like thereās any possibility that I may screw it up or something! But rest assured, I wonāt. I canāt. Thereās no room for screwing this one up.
Bill, meticulously arranging props in front of laptop: ā¦ Okay,
that looks enough like organization getting unintentionally messy ā¦
[puts cotton balls in cheeks to make them rounder,
straightens tie, puts on stolen glasses, picks up pen]
And now, to wait for the skyelp to come through!
[bends over āhomeworkā as if dutifully studying ā¦
holds exact pose for over 5 minutes while quivering
with excitement]
*laptop chimes as skyelp comes online*
Dipper, excitedly: Will? You there? Iām here with Mom andā
[registers costume (especially new additions of sweater vest,
tie, and glasses) and gasps]
Bill, beaming and voice-cracking: Dippy!
Dipper, breathlessly happy: ā¦ h-hey there ā¦
Ms. Pines, squealing softly to her husband: My gosh, heās so cute!
Mr. Pines, just as softly and trying not to laugh: He looks like
a tiny, Irish accountant. Like heās balancing the ledgers for
the Leprechaun King.
Ms. Pines: I know! I just wanna pat his chubby, little cheeks
and put a pencil behind his ear!
Dipper, blushing: M-Mom! Dad! Donāt embarrass me with B-Will!
[clearing throat]
Um, Will. This is m-my Mom and Dad.
Bill, dripping with wholesome enthusiasm: Pleased to meecha,
Ms. and Mr. Pines! Iām William Corduroy, but you can call me Will.
Or even (ugh) Willy, if you like.
Ms. Pines: Well, Willy, it is sooo nice to finally meet you!
Mr. Pines, sternly: What are your intentions with my son?
[gets smacked by wife while son groans]
What? Cāmon, I had to ask it at least once. Iām a dad!
Bill: My intentions?
[flashes through everything heās imagined doing with Dipper
since the twins had to go home ā¦ itās pretty wild;
blushes; starts to sweat]
hhh ā¦ HOLD HANDS! MAYBE KISS FACE! CH-CHERISH!
[gestures helplessly at Dipper]
I mean, look at him! What else could anyone intend with him?!
Ms. Pines and Dipper: Dāawww!
Mr. Pines, still sternly: You tell me. What else do you intend?
Dipper, burying face in hands: Oh, Moses, Dad ā¦
Ms. Pines: Dear, stop, youāre making the poor boys nervous. And
teenage boys already sweat enough as it is. Just look at Dipper.
Bill, relaxing visibly as things go back on script: Oh, yāknow.
Same old, same old. School. Now Iām just here at the library,
gettinā my homework done for the weekend.
[gestures at prop āhomeworkā like a good student]
Sorry I couldnāt do this at home where you could meet my dad,
but we donāt have a computer. If you can believe that.
Itās also why Iām still wearinā these school clothes.
Dipper: Did you ā¦ dress up just to impress my parents?
Bill, a little defensively: Golly, I just wanted to make
a good first impression! So your folksāll, yāknow ā¦ like me.
And let us keep being together.
Ms. Pines, charmed: Oh, donāt worry, Willy. It worked;
I think you look absolutely darling!
Bill: Gee, thanks! I can see where Dippy gets his sweet personality!
Ms. Pines: Oh, you!
Mr. Pines, rolling eyes: Okay, honey, dial back the falling for
cheesy compliments. Anyway, Will, what do you like to study?
Bill: Oh, I really like math. Especially ā¦ trigonometry.
Bill: Letās see ā¦ I also like psychology. Dream analysis
is fun, ācause then I getta tell people that, like, Iām the boy
of their dreams ā¦ analysis! At least, I getta tell Dipper that.
Mr. Pines, snorting: Okay, Iāll give you points for that one, kid.
Dad Joke level of corniness. 6.5/10.
Bill, grinning: Gee, thanks!
Mr. Pines: You getting good grades in math and psychology?
Bill, playing at modesty: Oh, golly, sir. I donāt wanna brag ā¦
But it is easier to work hard when itās fun, yāknow?
Unlike the way they do history classes here.
Mr. Pines: Boring teachers?
Bill: Yeah. Plus, theyāre complete schills for the conservative
military-industrial complex. Itās bad propaganda done borināly.
Mr. Pines, perking up: What makes you say that?
Bill: Oh, the usual. The donāt even teach that Ben Franklin
was secretly Gwen Franklin, that JFK was killed by mobsters
from the future to keep him from becominā a robo-dictator,
and that Ronald Reagan was a mind-controlled puppet
put in power by a conspiracy of billionaires to keep colonizinā
other countries for their resources and essentially slave labor.
Mr. Pines: Ugh! Tell me about it! And itās all because they want
to keep the populace uninformed and easy to pacify.
Bill, defiantly: But itās not gonna work on me! Or Dippy!
We do our own historical research and stick it to the man!
Mr. Pines: Boo-yeah! Tear down corporate capitalism!
[turns to wife]
Okay, I like this kid.
Bill: I can see where Dipper gets his keen judgment
of character. Along with his striking good looks.
Mr. Pines: Oh, go on!
*Dipper gives bill a secret thumbs-up*
Ms. Pines, smirking: Okay, now who has to dial back
the falling for cheesy compliments?
[turns back to Bill]
So, math and psychology and rebellious history study ā¦
Given any thought to what youād like to do with those
when you grow up?
Bill, feigning thoughtfulness: I ā¦ think ā¦ Iād ā¦
like to make video games. Coding and design and such.
But ones that make players think and be creative.
Ms. Pines, impressed: Really? Has Dipper told you thatās
the kind of work I do?
Bill: What? No! Gosh, Dippy, whyād you never tell me!
Thatās just swell, maāam! What kind?
Ms. Pines: Indie games, so thereās a lot of side-scrolling
and retro RPG elementsāvery basic gaming elementsā
but sooo much more heart. And, like, artistic integrity.
The kinda stuff that really touches people.
Bill, starry-eyed: Thatās the kinda stuff I wanna make!
Ms. Pines: Itās not easy ā¦ but itās worth it.
So, howād you and Dipper meet? Whenād you start datā
Mr. Pines: Wait, sorry, hold up. Is that a freakinā skull?
[points at shelf]
Bill, genuinely surprised: What?
[turns, has to take off glasses to actually see]
Well, gosh, it looks like it is.
Dipper, mouthing silently: Why in the 79 hells would you
even put that there?!
Bill, honestly: Iām honestly not sure why the libraryād
have that. I didnāt even notice it.
Mr. Pines: Might wanna get your prescription checked, kiddo.
Bill: Theyāre reading glasses, so ā¦
Dipper, mouthing silently: Whereād you even ā¦
ARE THOSE GRUNCLE FORDāS?!
āāā
[Meanwhile, back at the Shack,
Ford, stumbling around all squint-eyed: Ah, Stan,
there you are! Have you seen my glasses?
Sascrotch, standing mutely like a taxidermied figure: ā¦
Ford: Itās the darndest thing. Iād swear I set them on
the end table when I laid down to take a nap, but
couldnāt find them when I woke up. Of course, Iām not
having much luck finding my glasses without my glasses.
Sascrotch: ā¦
Ford: What? Oh, am I still getting the silent treatment
for saying youāre too old to have hair that long?
Sascrotch: ā¦
Ford, indignantly turning away: Fine, who needs you
anyway? Iād find them without your helā
Ford, tripping: AAA!
Ford, lying flat on his face: ā¦ Iām alright!]
āāā-
Bill, continuing as if to the Dad, but actually to Dipper:
Itās fine. Donāt worry about it.
[goes and puts a book in front of the skull]
There! Problem solved!
Mr. Pines: Yeah, thatās much bet ā¦
Is that The Necronomicon?!
Bill, genuinely surprised again: ā¦ Huh. Looks like it is.
[picks it up, pages through it ā¦ shakes head]
Nah, itās just The Nockoffronomicon. You can tell ācause
it doesnāt mention Shaggy or even Bob. And instead of
Cthulhu, itās dedicated to Cthhula.
[puts different book in front of skull]
The best dancer among the Elder Gods, am I right?
Mr. Pines: Heh ā¦ 7/10 for that one.
Bill: Gee, thanks! Anyway, um ā¦ Dāyou mind if I tell āem,
Dippy? Youāre sure itās okay?
[pretending to get bashful]
So, um ā¦ Dippy used to have a crush on my big sis, Wendy.
And ācause she works at the Shack, theyād be, like,
hanging out together a lot. He even came over to the house
a few times. And, um, naturally I had a crush on him
from the get go, ācause just look at him! Who wouldnāt?
Dipper, blushing: Ah, jeez ā¦
Ms. Pines: Dāawww!
Mr. Pines, grudgingly: Dāawww ā¦
Bill, making himself grin and blush wholesomely: So I started
coming along to hang out. Then, before I knew it, it was just us
hanging out alone together. And we were exploring the woods
one day when we found some wild mistletoeāgolly, I told him,
āThatās wild mistletoe. Thatās what it looks like in the wild.ā
and then he said ā¦ No, he stepped under it first, then he said,
āGuess we gotta kiss now.āāand so we kissed.
Mr. Pines, slapping his son on the back: You sly, little dog!
Bill: And I was like, āGee, that was swell!ā Can you believe it?!
Real lame-o line to follow a first kiss, right? And he was like,
āWe could do it again, if you want.ā And I said, āBut, gosh,
weāre not even dating! Everyoneāll think Iām a boy-floozy!ā
Ms. Pines: HA! Oh, thatās precious!
Bill, giggling: Y-yes, maāam! It was! And then Dippy, he said,
āWell, be my boyfriend. Weāll start calling our hang-outs dates,
and Iāll fight anyone who calls you a floozy.ā
It was soooo chivalrous!
Dipper, beet red and with his hands in his face: Stahp ā¦
*a while later, after the parents have left*
Dipper, relieved: That ā¦ That went a lot better
than expected. And they sure loved Willy Corduroy.
Bill, self-assuredly: Natch. Iām inescapably charming,
no matter the alias.
[pulls out cotton balls and tosses them in the trash]
If you ever call me Willy, though, I will shank
one of your stuffed animals. That was me takinā one for
the team. Which is us, by the way. The team is us.
Dipper: Heh! Yeah, I gathered that.
Bill: Still, Iām surprised they never asked about my eyes ā¦
Dipper: Oh, I āwarnedā them in advance. Told them you had
a medical condition, and that you were really sensitive about it.
Bill: Good thinking. Youāre so smart. And handsome. And sexy.
Dipper, grinning: Stahp!
Bill, grinning back: Nope. Never. Because I love you.
