#billxstan

“You’re right. It is a silly reason to be sorry.” He commented, lips twitching in a smile. “I’m not actually sorry for kissing you at all. I am sorry though that it took me as long as it has to do so.” Stan admitted. He was sorry too. That it had taken so many years before he told Bill anything. He was sorry that it was Bill catching sight of his tattoos that even made him confess at all. It didn’t matter though. Bill knew and held the same feelings for Stan that Stan held for him.

“As much as I would love to keep kissing you…” Stan started, face growing red once again. He brought his face up to look at Bill with an embarrassed smile. “I kind of need to pull my jeans back up.” He commented as he stepped back just enough to pull his jeans back up.  He rebuttoned his pants before moving forward and back into Bill’s space. Stan brought his arms around Bill’s neck and pressed his forehead against the other’s again. 

“So… Since we’ve both made it perfectly clear that we want each other, that means I’m yours and you’re mine now?” He asked, fingers playing with a lock of Bill’s hair. “And if that is the case, that means that I’m perfectly free to do this-” Stan started leaning into give Bill a tender kiss. “I can do that anytime I want.” He commented, smiling. Stan leaned forward again, forehead resting on Bill's. "So... now you know about my secret tattoos." He joked, twisting the lock of hair that he was playing with.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/17ce4arNpHw2V5uWHhfmuE?si=-xmI-FRYQGKkrTcHMQJDtQ

So, I made a Stenbrough playlist. These are just songs that made me think of them.

Prompt: drive by halsey. college au, fuckboy!bill/softboy!stan (aged up!) Requested?: i asked for this ship: stenbrough length: 5.5k+ Warning: drinking, partying. they’re in college soooo

songs i listened to while writing

Stan hadn’t meant to fall in love. Especially not with the loud, obnoxious boy that lived in the fraternity house across the street. Stan himself didn’t belong in a frat house, the only reason he had even joined was because of his best friend, Mike. It was all Mike’s idea. Stan was moving in when he first saw the gorgeous boy across the street. One of his new housemates must have seen him looking because he was warned to stay away. “He’ll only break your heart,” he was told. He believed it too, Stan was no idiot. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t look from afar. Plus, Mike was too good of a friend to let Stan get mixed in with something like that. He didn’t dare get too close though. He wouldn’t allow himself to fall down that rabbit hole. He’d go mad just trying to get back out. 

That day, Stanley Uris found himself sitting on the porch of his temporary home enjoying the beautiful weather. It was sunny, but not too warm. It felt amazing against his skin. He wished Mike wasn’t so busy so he could join him as he sat and watched, looking from birds to the sky to people. He enjoyed people watching almost as much as he enjoyed bird watching. If Mike were with him, they’d made up stories about the people they saw.

His first mistake was looking at the house across the street from his own. His second mistake was looking directly at the cute redhead that lived in the said house. Stan quickly looked away, pulling his bird book closer to him to make it look like he was looking around for birds instead of watching the other boy. It looked as if though he was stuck with mowing the lawn this week. Stan didn’t mind the noise too much, a shirtless body came along with it.

“Stan!” Mike’s voice burst through his thoughts. His friend was standing at the front door, waiting for Stan to notice him. “Come here, Eddie’s got a thing to show you.” It was a lame attempt to get Stan’s attention away from the heartbreak from across the street. Nonetheless, Stan was thankful for the interruption.

“He’s so fucking cute,” Stan whined to Eddie. The two were hanging out in Stan’s room, ‘studying’. Stan’s attention was no longer on the book in front of him. He could only think about how attractive Bill had been today. He trusted Eddie with this information, knowing he wouldn’t tell Mike about the things he said.

“They’re throwing a party tonight,” Eddie shrugged, his attention still on his homework. He scribbled a few things down on a piece of paper before turning his attention to Stan. “But,” Eddie paused, biting his lip. “You deserve better than to be a one night fling. But I won’t stop you from doing what you want. I just want what’s best for you.”

Stan couldn’t help the grin forming on his face, it was sweet that Eddie cared so deeply about him. He wasn’t sure what he wanted. He knew that he deserved more than to be someone’s one night stand. He wasn’t even sure he’d take it that far. “I wouldn’t fuck him” Stan finally said. And he really wouldn’t. Not unless there was something there. Maybe not love, but a relationship. They had to at least mutually like each other. Not just attraction, but like each other for who they were and not what they looked like. Stan had never even talked to the boy before. “I have far too much respect for myself.”

“Good,” Eddie smiled before returning back to his work. Stan shut his book, putting it carefully in its place on his desk. He got up from his chair and headed for his closet. “What are you doing?” Eddie watched from Stan’s bed.

“Picking out an outfit for this party.” Eddie raised an eyebrow at his friend but didn’t speak. “I’m not going to go over there to fuck him, Eddie. I’m just going to make an appearance, just to make myself known.”

“Are you sure you wanna do this?” Eddie sat up from his laying position. “He’s not just going to change overnight, no offense. I’ve heard plenty of stories, Stan. He has a reputation.” Stan only shrugged, not answering his friend. He knew he was right but Stan was stubborn. “Fine. But I’m going with you.”

Stan felt like he stuck out like a sore thumb, not only was he (besides Eddie) the only one sober, he wore khakis and a button-down shirt. He felt so out of place for such a wild party. There was a song blasting from the speakers that Stan did not know and there were drunken bodies dancing against each other. He held tight to Eddie’s hand, suddenly scared that he would lose the shorter boy, and navigated through the sea of people. It seemed like there was no empty space in that entire living room, so he moved to the kitchen. Which wasn’t any better since that’s where the alcohol was kept.

“Don’t touch anything,” Eddie whispered to Stan’s back. “There are germs. But more importantly, the drinks could be drugged.” Stan knew better, but he didn’t mind Eddie reminding him. He was going to do it even if Stan told him he already knew better. “Let’s go out back.” Stan nodded, heading towards the sliding doors that lead to the backyard.

It was a lot calmer back there, not nearly as many people. But a party was still a party. So there were still drunk college kids and music blasting from a single speaker. Stan noted that it was different from the song inside so there must have been an iPod or something hooked up somewhere back here. It didn’t take Stan long to notice the redhead swaying drunkenly to the music. He had a few people dancing along with him but he was too preoccupied with singing along with the song to care. His eyes were closed, a red cup held high above his head, and he was belting out the words like he didn’t give a damn in the world. Maybe he did or maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe both.

A nudge to his rib caused Stan to snap back to reality. “Sorry,” he mumbled before grabbing a seat in an empty chair apart of a set of chairs and a table. The backyard was surprisingly well put together, the grass was cut, they had lawn furniture, and there wasn’t that much trash that littered the ground. Eddie sat in a chair beside him but quickly got up when he realized that he hadn’t wiped it down and that he couldn’t since he didn’t have a disinfectant wipes on him. Stan offered Eddie his lap, which Eddie gladly took. Stan could care less about what they looked like, he rather help his friend than care about gossip.

But he couldn’t help the blush that formed on his face when he turned back to Bill and his eyes were on him. “Shit,” Stanley muttered. Eddie didn’t have to look over to know that Stan was talking about their neighbor. “He’s looking at us.”

“Do you want me to get up?” Stan knew Eddie didn’t want to but he’d do it for Stan if need be.

“No, it’s fine. Like you said earlier, I can’t change him.”

Eddie quickly got bored of the party and asked Stan if he wanted to leave. “Not yet. You go, I’ll be home soon.” Eddie looked hesitant at first but Stan urged him to go. “I’ll be okay. Stan the Man can handle himself just fine.” Eddie nodded before making his way towards the house to cut through to get home. Stan sipped at the water Eddie had gotten him before setting it back down on the table. He hadn’t moved from his spot since he had gotten there.

Bill hadn’t left early, only to go get more beers. At one point, he did a shot with a small group of people. He was going to have a very bad hangover tomorrow and Stan couldn’t find himself feeling sorry for him. He knew the cost of drinking before he had started.

Why was Stan staying back when he was completely bored out of his mind? Oh yeah, he enjoyed the sight of Bill Denbrough shouting lyrics and dancing stupidly with the music. A sigh escaped his lips as he checked his phone for any notifications. “C-can I g-give you my n-number?” A voice cuts into Stan’s thoughts. He looked up to see the boy he had been admiring this entire time. “Or w-will your b-b-boyfriend get a-angry?”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” Stan answered with an eyeroll. “He has a thing with germs, that’s all.” He didn’t answer his question though, it made him uncomfortable and he wasn’t sure what he wanted to do.

“S-so I c-can have it th-then?”

“You’re drunk.” Stan rolled his eyes once again.

“S-so?”

Stan didn’t answer him, he stood up instead. He didn’t realize just how close the other boy was until he stood and they were standing face to face. “I better go,” Stan whispered. Bill had a few inches on Stan, but there wasn’t too much of a difference. “Drink lots of water or else you’ll have a killer headache tomorrow.” He picked his drink off the table and held it out to Bill. “It's water.” Bill took it with shaky hands. “See you later, Bill.”

Bill didn’t have time to ask him how he knew his name because Stan was already walking away. Speed walking away. “F-fuck,” Bill said to himself.

Weeks had passed since the party and Stan stayed away from the boy across the street. He didn’t sit on the porch as much anymore, he didn’t purposely look for Bill. He should be happy, Bill had been interested in him. But Bill was also drunk and probably didn’t remember what happened. So, Stan kept to himself and avoided the boy at all costs. He felt pretty childish about it all but it felt like his body was on pilot mode whenever he saw Bill. Leave, leave leave, his body screamed and he was going the other way before he could stop himself.

He was waiting for Eddie to come outside so they could go into town to get a few things for the house when Bill approached him. He wore his snapback backward and his plaid shirt was tied around his waist. He crossed the street towards Stan. Stan felt like a deer in headlights and quickly turned to go back inside. “Wait!” Bill called from the sidewalk.

A shaky sigh fell from Stan’s lips as he turned back around to face Bill. “Can I help you?” He tried to sound as neutral as possible, he didn’t want the other boy to know that he was freaking out on the inside.

“You never gave me your number,” Bill smirked.

As if on cue, the front door opened. But it wasn’t Eddie. It was Mike instead. “Let’s go, Stan,” he glared over at Bill. “Eddie asked me to go with you instead.” Stan knew he was lying, he must have seen Bill approaching Stan from the window. Stan silently thanked Mike.

“I guess I’ll go now,” Bill said awkwardly, turning back to walk back home. Stan watched him the entire time.

“Where is Eddie?” Stan turned his attention to Mike. Mike didn’t say anything, instead, he walked down the steps and unlocked his care. “Mike?” Stan questioned.

“You know I’d do anything for you right? We’ve known each other for years and you’re my best friend,” Mike turns back to Stan. Stan only nods, he’s suddenly feeling very weak at Mike’s words. “He’s bad news and I know about the party.”

“D-did Eddie tell you?” Even Stan’s voice was wear.

“He didn’t have to, Bev was there. She told me.”

“Nothing happened,” Stan promised. “I know better, Mike. You don’t have to constantly look out for me like I don’t know how to handle myself. Your friendship means so much to me, it really does. But you gotta trust me. I need a friend, not another dad.”

“I’m sorry,” Mike apologized. “I didn’t realize I-”

“It’s okay,” Stan promised. Normally he didn’t cut people off, but he didn’t want Mike apologizing for caring about him or for trying to be his friend. “Let’s go get unhealthy snacks and as equally unhealthy food.”

A grin spread across Mike’s face as he nodded.

It was a week later when Stan talked to Bill again. His crush hadn’t gone away since their last encounter but he was doing a much better job of avoiding the other boy. Stan was walking to the school’s library, he still had a few hours to kill until his next class. He’d get some studying done while he waited. His bookbag felt heavy on his back and he couldn’t wait to take it off.

“Stan!” Stan heard his name being called from behind him. He quickly stopped and turned around to see the source. His eyes widened as he saw Bill Denbrough quickly heading towards him. Stan looked around the campus to see if anyone was paying attention to him. There were far too many people walking around for him to run without looking like a complete nut. So he waited for Bill to catch up with him. “H-hey,” Bill huffed when he finally caught up. He was clearly out of breath so Stan waited for him to catch his breath before he started walking again.

He didn’t get very far before Bill was grabbing his hand and putting a piece of paper inside of it. “Since you won’t give me your number,” Bill explained.

Stan raised an eyebrow at the gesture. “Have you kept your number in your pocket until you saw me again?” Bill blushed at the accusation which meant Stan had hit the hammer on the nail. He took the paper anyways and put it in his own pocket. “Walk me to the library.” It wasn’t a question, it was more of a command. Bill couldn’t say he minded it.

Their relationship hadn’t changed, they barely texted. At first, they texted every day. But Bill stopped replying and if he did, it would be really late. Stan quickly gave up and stopped texting him altogether. It wasn’t worth putting himself into something when the other person wasn’t even trying. Outside of texting, Bill acted as if he didn’t even know Stan.

Stan had been sitting on the porch swing with Mike and Eddie, deep in conversation when he noticed red hair walking down the sidewalk on the other side of the street. Bill. But it wasn’t just him, he held a blonde girl tight to his side. Stan could tell she was giggling from where he sat and he didn’t miss Bill placing kisses on her temple. Stan quickly got up from his spot in the middle and stormed into the house.

How dare Bill treat him like this? How dare he constantly try to get his number and then give him his just to screw him over like this? How dare Stan think that he could just change the bad boy across the street? His blood felt like ice but his cheeks felt oddly warm. He was angry. He was upset. He was a fool.

A day later, Stan acted as if nothing was wrong. Soon, he wouldn’t have to act like everything was alright because it would be. He wasn’t going to let some guy bring him down. There was a fire deep inside Stan that was waiting to come out and show the world. He couldn’t place what this feeling was. But all he knew was that he wanted revenge. He wanted Bill to see him looking so good that he regretted just ditching him like that. No, Stan would never use someone to get back at another. But he was going to use what he had.

“We’re throwing a party,” Stan announced at the dinner table. “Richie already told everyone.”

Eddie’s eyes went wide at Stan’s words. Sure, they had thrown parties before. But Stan had never been the one to plan them. And Eddie’s boyfriend, Richie, had the biggest mouth around campus. “What?”

“We have a week to plan,” Stan said, ignoring Eddie’s question. Mike and Eddie shared a look before turning back to their friend. “What? We haven’t had a party in ages.”

“Yeah, but you’re the one that usually stays away from them,” Mike spoke up. “Stan, use your head-”

“I am, Mike. I’m going to look damn fine and no one is going to stop me. This isn’t for Bill, I promise. It’s for me. I want to feel confident again, well as confident as I was before.” His confidence had sunk since he had seen Bill take that girl home with him. “Please, just trust me.”

Mike could only nod. He trusted Stan with his life.

So they threw a party, a big one. Far more people showed up than Stan planned. He was too busy playing host to notice Bill Denbrough and his small squad enter through the front door. Richie Tozier and Beverly Marsh. Ben, a member of Stan’s home, had the biggest crush on Beverly but Stan had never spoken a word to her. He just had to take Ben’s word on how amazing she was. He made a note to try to get Ben to talk to her this time since he never had the courage to talk to her before.

Finally, he was free from pouring drinks and he was being dragged onto the dancefloor by Mike. “Have some fun,” Mike explaining, taking Stan’s hands in his own and swaying to the beat. If it were anyone else, besides maybe Eddie or Ben, he’d pull away and complain about personal space. But it was Mike and Mike was his best friend. “Big Red at two o’clock,” Mike warns, his eyes darting from Stan to Bill.

“Who fucking cares?” Stan threw his hands into the air, yelling over the music. Stan hadn’t had a single drop of alcohol, his actions were solely based on his anger and frustration at the boy across the street. Mike’s eyes widened at his friend but he smiled anyway. Stan’s outburst caused a few people to look at him but most were too drunk to care. Stan began swaying to the music, matching his pace with Mike.

“No one! Let’s get fucked up” Richie Tozier yelled back, earning a laugh from some of the party goers, including Stan. Richie had a big mouth but Stan couldn’t say he minded it all that much. When it came to parties, he knew how to get one started.

Stan looked over in the direction of Richie but made eye contact with Bill instead. Stan couldn’t help himself, he rolled his eyes and looked away. “Where’s Eddie?”

“Right here,” as if on cue, Eddie came up behind Stan with two red cups of whatever they had in the kitchen. “I’m not totally sure what’s in this, Beverly Marsh made they. She insisted I take them. So, if I die, Stan has to die with me.”

“Thank you for dragging me to hell with you,” Stan frowned. He took the cup anyways and sniffed it. “God, it smells like death and regret.” He tapped his cup against Eddie’s and they both took a drink at the same time. Eddie quickly shook his head and handed his cup over to Mike before rushing away. It wasn’t the best drink Stan had tasted but he couldn’t say he truly hated it. “Race ya,” Stan raised an eyebrow at Mike.

“You’re on, Uris.”

“Go!”

The two quickly downed their drinks, which probably wasn’t the best idea. But Stan wanted to have a good time and wanted to get rid of the image of Bill in his head. He raised his empty cup over his head and let out a loud whoop. “I win!” Stan cheered.

“Uris!” Stan turned to see Richie calling his name. “I challenge ya!” This got the attention of many people and soon enough there was a group forming. Stan could only shrug and walk over to Richie, Mike close behind. He raised an eyebrow at the trashmouth. “Three beers, two shots of vodka, and a mixture of whatever alcohol Beverly comes up with. Whoever finishes first wins.”

“Wins what?” Stan could already feel whatever was in his cup clouding his brain. But he wasn’t going to back down.

“Whoever loses streaks down the street and the winner gets to hide his clothes.” He hands his hand out for a handshake. A few people disappear from the group to start making those drinks.

“Stan,” Mike warned in a whisper.

“I got this,” Stan shrugged, a smirk playing on his lips. “I’m full of anger and bitterness. I got nothing to lose.” He took Richie’s hand in his and gave it a good shake. “You’re on, Tozier.”

And that’s how Stan ended up with Richie’s clothes as he ran down the street naked. Stan didn’t feel like hiding them though, so he left them on the front porch for Richie to collect when he was done. Stan was out of it, he had consumed way too much and he was feeling it. He knew it wasn’t walking in a straight line anymore. He shook his head at anything that was offered to him, he knew his limits.

He found himself sitting on the back porch, water in hand. The cool air was refreshing. He took a sip from his cup and watched people dance. “Can I sit with you?” Stan looked up to see Bill. He didn’t wait for Stan to answer him, he sat down beside him. Too close to Stan, so he scooted away. “You really showed Richie,” he said softly.

“Yeah, so?” Stan answered bitterly. Couldn’t he tell he didn’t want to talk to him?

“What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong?” Stan scoffed. What the fuck was Bill’s problem? Did he really not know? “Are you shitting me right now? You gave me your number, waited to give me your number, and then I text you and you barely even talk to me!” Stan could have stopped there, he wanted to stop there. But the alcohol was speaking for him. “Then you took that girl home! Don’t think I didn’t notice that. I was outside with Eddie and Mike! You acted like you liked me and then, all of a sudden, you could care less about me!” Stan was red in the face, ready to yell some more. But he didn’t. Instead, he turned the other way and puked into a small trashcan sitting on their porch. Ben had thought it was a stupid idea to put a trashcan there, but Eddie insisted there be a trashcan in almost every room and at least three outside.

Bill went to put his hand on Stan’s shoulder but he quickly shrugged him off. “Don’t touch me,” Stan glared. He quickly got up, grabbed his cup, paused for a moment, wanting to throw his water on Bill. He thought against it and walked over to the door. “Talk to me when you’re not such an asshole.” Stan really needed to brush his teeth now and he had already made a fool of himself enough.

The next day, Stan woke up with a headache and sore throat. He was glad he had drunk that water or else his hangover would be a lot worse. His memory was a bit blurry but he remembers yelling at Bill. He wonders what happened after that. He gets up from his bed and exits his room, looking for Eddie. Eddie knew everything about everyone, it seemed. He was just as quiet as Stan but smaller and could sneak into conversations without being noticed. He loved drama and tended to keep up with it until the very end.

He knocked on Eddie’s door. “Come in!” he heard from the other side. Stan turned the knob and found Eddie on his bed, textbook open and notebook with perfect cursive written in it. “Hey, Stan. What’s up?”

“What happened after I yelled at Bill?” Stan had gone upstairs, brushed his teeth, and clocked out. He watched Eddie frown and put down his pencil. Eddie chewed on his bottom lip and looked up at Stan with eyes that told him that he really didn’t want to know. “He left with someone, didn’t he?”

Eddie sighed, he patted an empty spot on his bed. “Yeah, Betty Ripsom. After you went inside, he drank so much everyone thought he was going to die! Then he was making out with her on the couch. Richie told them to get a room and I guess they did because they left together.” Eddie was now typing on his phone. “I’m texting Richie.”

“What? Why?” He didn’t even know Eddie had Richie’s number.

“He’ll know if they-”

“No, it’s fine. I don’t want to know.” Stan looked down at his hands, he felt tears threatening to fall. But he didn’t dare cry. Not for Bill Denbrough, the asshole across the street. “He can do whatever he wants.”

Eddie didn't answer him, he shoved his phone into Stan’s face.

Trashmouth: Betty didn’t spend the night. She left with some friends. I took ol’ Billy Boy home! He was going on and on about Uris until he fell asleep.

“So he made out with her and then just left her?” That had to even worse. Then he talked about Stan. He talked about Stan? To Richie? He wouldn’t stop talking about him?

Eddie’s phone vibrated again, signaling another text from Richie. Stan took the phone before Eddie could take it away. “’Bill says he didn’t even makeout with Betty last night. He said he doesn’t know who started that rumor.’ So, you didn’t see them, Eddie?”

Eddie shrugged, his face growing red. “I heard it from Beverly. I’m not sure who she heard it from. Sorry, Stan.”

“You didn’t know,” Stan shrugged, handing the phone back to Eddie. “Doesn’t change anything. He’s still an asshole.”

“Richie said he was being super annoying about you last night. Maybe you’ve gotten under his skin, Ya know, snuck your teeth into him. Now you just gotta reel him in.”

“Lord, Eddie, you sound just like Richie.” Stan rolled his eyes. “I’m leaving now, you’re grossing me out.”

“I do not sound like Richie! Take it back!”

Stan quickly got up from Eddie’s bed and over to the door. “Just fuck him already!” Stan didn’t hear what Eddie in return, he had already shut the door behind himself. He went back to his room to get ready for the day. He really needed to change out of the clothes he wore last night. A plain white t-shirt along with black skinny jeans.

He quickly changed into his usual outfit, a button down along with a pair of khakis. He sat to put on his socks and shoes. He grabbed his phone from his charger, thankful he had remembered to charge it in his drunken state. He raised an eyebrow as he scrolled through his texts, missed calls, and voicemails. All from Bill. He quickly called his voicemail.

“Y-you’re r-right, I-I am-am an a-assh-hole.” Stan couldn’t tell if he was stuttering because of his clear drunkenness or because his actual stutter was popping out to say hello. “You’re so fucking cute, Stan Uris.” He didn’t stutter this time. “And you deserve-NO RICHIE LET ME-NO DON’T TAKE MY PHONE-STOP!”

Bill’s voice was quickly taken over by Richie’s. “Sorry, Stan the Man, Big Bill is pretty drunk right now. He’s a hoot! I’m taking his phone as we speak. Bye!” And that’s how the message ended.

Stan didn’t know how to feel after all of that. He wasn’t sure what to do. Should he call him back? Text him? Walk across the street? And then do what? Give a piece of his mind? Kiss him? Before he knew it, he was getting up from his bed and continued to get ready. He made sure to brush his teeth, comb his hair, put on deodorant. Then he found himself heading across the street. Before he could turn back, he was knocking on the door.

“Shit,” he mumbled to himself. He could feel himself beginning to panic as he waited. He felt frozen in place like his feet wouldn’t move even if his life depended on it.

“Stan the Man!” Richie greeted him with a huge smile. “What begins you around these parts?” He sounded incredibly cheerful for someone who had spent most of the night drinking and probably had a killer hangover. “I know I’m so good looking that you-”

“Bill,” Stan cut him off.

Richie pretended to pout. “And here I thought we had something special, Stanny Boy! Big Bill’s in his room, fighting one killer hangover. He’s playing some depressing ass music so I don’t see how that’s-”

“Which room?”

Richie crossed his arms. “You know it’s rude to interrupt people. Okay, fine, upstairs, two to the left.” He stepped out of Stan’s way and Stan slipped past him and up the stairs. He ran a hand through his curls, suddenly very aware and very nervous. He wanted to run away but Bill had wanted him. And that was enough for Stan to at least go on, to question him about.

He gulped before knocking on Bill’s door. “If that’s you, Richie, I want my fucking phone back!” Stan heard from the other side. He didn’t answer, he turned the knob and opened the door. “Stan,” Bill whispered. He was sitting on the floor, a blanket wrapped around him. He had changed out of what he wore last night, instead, he was wearing pajamas. “Come over to yell at me? Those messages were embarrassing enough.” No stutter.

Stan didn’t answer him. He took a seat next to him, shutting the door behind him. He touched Bill’s cheek, softly at first, just a couple of fingers barely there then he cupped his cheek in his hand. His heart felt like it was going to explode in his chest, his breath picked up. His lips touched the corner of Bill’s before pulling back. “I have a few things to say,” Stan said softly, pulling away from Bill. His eyes looked anywhere but at the boy next to him. Bill didn’t answer him so he took that as a sign to continue. “You really hurt me. I thought you liked me. Then you know. You acted like I didn’t exist. It hurt. Then last night. You left those messages.” Stan knew he was all over the place. “I need an explanation, Bill.”

“I was scared,” Bill said softly. “I know it’s a stupid excuse. But I was. I am. I always noticed you watching me. I was ready to...to you know, pursue or whatever. But Richie stopped me. He told me don’t even try because you were a cool guy and you’re Eddie’s friend so I didn’t. But you’re really cute and different. That’s so lame,” he admitted with a sigh. “But it’s true. I really wanted to give you my number. And after I did, I was just nervous. And Carrie, she-” Bill sighed again, looking down at his lap. Stan still refused to look at him. “She was a mistake.”

“You still fucked her,” Stan said bitterly. He felt Bill flinch beside him. Stan wasn’t sure how to feel about it all. Bill had just admitted that he made him nervous. But so what? Once a player, always a player. “You act like I can change your or something but that’s not how that works, Bill. You can’t just expect me to accept you and act like you didn’t screw me over by fucking her.” Stan stood from his spot. “If you actually liked me, you wouldn’t have done that. You wouldn’t have thrown it in my face.”

“S-Stan...” Stan could hear the tears in Bill’s voice. “Please.”

“’Please’ what, Bill?”

“Please don’t go.” Stan finally looked at Bill. He wasn’t crying, not yet, but he looked close. “I’m scared, okay? I’m scared of what people will think. I’m scared of my feelings. I’m bisexual and I’m not out, okay?”

“Why am I different, Bill? Hmm? Tell me what’s so special about me.”

Bill is clearly caught off guard but he quickly gets up and is standing face to face with Stan. “You aren’t bothered by the people around you, you push against people and go you’re own way. You’re passionate about the things you like. I’ve noticed. I’ve seen you bird watch before. You point them out even when whoever you’re with isn’t paying attention. You-”

New York was such a big city. It felt so empty and lonely. Impersonal and unfamiliar. Stan had a way of running from things. When things got too big, too real. He had felt like he had no control and he was terrified. God, he was so scared. Giving his heart away was one of the many things he regretted in his life. It was too real. So he ran. Ran from Derry, ran from his problems. Ran from the person that held his heart. He couldn’t even get it back. He wanted it back, but it would never come home. He felt empty.

Bill had said those three little words and Stan had felt like he was drowning. He had stared at Bill with wide eyes like he didn’t believe him. I love you too. But he never said it out loud. Of course, he didn’t, he was such a coward. He wanted so deeply to say it back, but his words got caught up in his throat. He excused himself, face burning red, and went home. He remembered the look on Bill’s face, confusion and hurt. He didn’t mean to hurt him. He never wanted to hurt him. He loved him.

A voice in his said that he was unlovable, he wasn’t worth it. His head was messed up and he could barely function when things didn’t go his way. Not because he was spoiled, but because his brain wouldn’t allow him to be happy without everything being exactly right. That meant things needed to go Stan’s way or else he wasn’t really him, he wasn’t really there.

It had been a mistake, really. To start a relationship with Bill. To start a relationship in general. He was too much to handle, too much for himself really. He hated himself and he couldn’t see why anyone would ever love him. He could look into a mirror and only see negativity. All of his flaws. He was so flawed. He hated it. He was too uptight, dry. Uninteresting. Plain.

He had to leave. But not without leaving a note behind. It was what Bill deserved, an explanation. As he wrote, tears trickled down his face and stained the paper. He had left his letter in Bill’s mailbox before leaving towards New York. He hadn’t told any of his friends about the college he would be going to there, that his parents already knew that he was leaving. That’s why Bill’s words had hurt so much. He couldn’t say it back because Bill deserved so much more than a boy that would leave him because he was scared.

Dear William,

As you’re reading this, I’ve already left town. I’m sorry I couldn’t say it back. I’m so sorry. But this is for the best.

Someone will love you, but someone isn’t me.