- Quick vent - cw? idrk
my relationship with my stepdad has always been… complicated. not completely bad, not completely good. just a lot of awkwardness with some bittersweet moments in between, but i think my own issues with my bio dad made everything feel heavier than it already was
he’s been verbally harsh numerous of times with me since i was around 15, and for a long time it felt normalized. like it was just “how things are” and i had to deal with it cus my mom was doing the same too whenever she got frustrated + i had to watch his god awful son..
and when i became an adult, it turned into years of being pressured about getting a job. constantly feeling like i wasn’t doing enough, even though i’ve been trying in my own way
he doesn’t say it as much anymore, but not that long ago he still told me i was “falling behind” and compared me to other people and that kind of thing sticks with you. it doesn’t just go away
i think what hurts the most is that i don’t even see him as a completely bad person. that’s what makes it confusing. because how do you process someone who hurt you, but also had moments where they didn’t???
i don’t even want to change him anymore. i just want to change how i feel. because being around him makes me anxious, like i’m always bracing myself for what he’s going to say next and i hate that feeling. i hate feeling small in my own home
sometimes i catch myself wondering why the men in my life make me feel like this? like i’m always not enough, always behind, always needing to prove something..wasnt even enough for my own father to stay. tired of always getting the bad end of peoples actions.
and i know life isn’t a race. i know i had different opportunities, different struggles, different timing i just wish those things were understood instead of used against me yk? i’m still healing. and i think it’s okay that it’s taking time :]]]
