Tightrope
tiptoeing the balance between expressing pain and causing pain, a chasm on each side of the rope
when the words trying to coming out have to be trimmed and hemmed and rounded
polished enough to not cause lacerations from the jagged bloody shards of fractured thought.
suffering wrapped in consideration
backspacing rewriting rephrasing as to not impart a hint of offense
they could take this the wrong way they could take this the wrong way they could take this the wrong way they could take this the wrong way they could take this the wrong way
The Rules
1. be more palatable, you don't want them to think you're mad at them, if you say that phrase they'll assume you don't care about them, stop being so harsh, can't you tell they're hurting?
if you're too honest they can throw up their hands and say look how dramatic you're being, tell all their friends you're crazy
roll their eyes as they scroll through the paragraphs
the next time you bare your soul they can decide you're not worth the headache, so be careful
2. always be understanding, especially when they're not. make sure they know you're okay, especially when they're not. couch every sentence in reassurances. you have to be okay so that they can lean on you, because why would they want to spend time with you if you had nothing to offer them.
3. keep your ringer up at night so that if they start to spiral, you're right there with them, stay up with them, let them know they're safe with you. surely they would do the same for you, if you needed it.
when things get heated and you've been leeching their distress and you need to walk away for 10 minutes to remember who you are and where your edges are and what emotions belong to which person, make sure to tell them that you'll be right back, that you'd never leave, and that you will be there for them through all moods, even the negative ones, even the ones that hurt you. surely they would do the same for you. if you needed it.
4. send them cute affirmations when you know they're having a rough day. they say they love each one and it helps them. send ten of them in a message. send one every day. okay but now put them in a place where they can go look at them whenever they want, so that you're not shoving them in their face. they won't go look at them, but they're just so busy, and they forget to check, and you understand, and you understand, and you understand.
5. make sure to always have your phone on you in case they message. if you don't respond quickly, they won't be upset at you, of course not, but they'll hate themselves for being in the way, and they'll just leave you alone to do whatever the more important thing is that you're doing, of course what you're doing is more important than them. you don't want them to feel like that. you have to make sure your brain always has a mental tendril reaching towards them; you don't want to ignore them or leave them hanging.
and it just makes sense when they're busy and can't respond for hours, you don't want to be unreasonable, they're talking to their mom or their attention got sucked into a video game or they fell asleep and you're so understanding and of course it's okay that they cancel, you don't want them to exert themselves when they're not feeling well, and it's fine, it's fine, it's fine.
6. When you start to feel the drift, the connection stretching thin, cling to them as tightly as you can. let them know what feels off and that you need reassurances from them. spend paragraphs reiterating what's wrong and what you've been noticing and overexplain yourself and what you mean. suffocate them. don't let them have any space. surely that's the way to keep them in your life. surely they wont need to get some air and then step back and back and back while you try to close the gap, pushing closer and closer, until they back up so far that they're out the door, closing it in your face.
they will walk away whether you're good and behaved or not, so just don't have demands and see how long you can make it last, see if you can make it last long enough. keep the peace, stay reasonable, hold out long enough.. until every desire is a demand, and you either doormat yourself or show how needy you are.
7. never leave first. never even threaten it because it'll be easy for them to just agree. you're more invested than they are, and besides, you're their ride or die, remember? that applies even if they aren't yours. make them be the ones to walk away. seriously, make them walk away; you can't be reasoned with, you're too complicated, too difficult, too much, and they're just so tired. make them walk away because you're no fun to be around anymore, something's always the matter.
I mean you do sound crazy, all they said was "sure, if you want to" if you asked to hang out with them for the first time in two weeks, or asked if they wanted to see you. why did you have to go and make a big deal out of it? no one else sees the way the words flip and change meanings and intentions, you're making something out of nothing again, and they're going to get annoyed if you keep it up.
8. but remember to never say anything that can make them leave for good, make sure there's always that bridge; repair and fortify and hammer every day while the other side falls decrepit and rots away. you never know when they might come back and you always want to be available if they do.
9. always say "I'll always be here if you want to talk" and "I promise I'll stay" and "you'll always have me to rely on" and "I promise I'll never leave". "we'll be best friends forever". they might even say them back. those are the magic words that you can cast over each friendship, every difficult interaction that threatens to break everything apart. those are the mending words. nothing is permanent when you tell them those phrases.
until it is.
10. be sure to repeat this cycle with each new person you become close to. yeah you've been blocked, distanced, shut down, dropped. abandoned. but see, you did it *wrong* the last time, and now you've processed, you've analyzed, you've figured out the wrong things you said and did and why they left you, you can pinpoint the exact moment that you gave them the ick, when the look they'd always give you disappeared from their eyes. it wont happen this time. this time it's different.
this time you'll be perfect. and they will never, ever leave.
