#bi asks

But now that Kristen Stewart’s engaged to a woman they’re just flat out calling her a lesbian.*

Like HELLO?? You keep saying bisexuals don’t date women when really it’s not that. It’s not that at all.

Because even when we do date women or make them our life-partners, you still decide to erase us entirely.

God. I’m tired.

*btw this gorgeous woman has said multiple times, including in an interview for love lies bleeding that she ‘swings both ways’. Like please. Listen to her when she speaks on her own identity.

I thought I got it when I read that bi people can fall in love with man or woman and pan people with man, woman, non-binary person or trans person. But then I read that it's not true and that bi people can also fall in love with for example trans man (because he is obviously a man) and I got lost again. (2/?)

And I really hate it and feel like a biggest idiot in the world but I really want to understand so I thought... would you be willing to try and give me an explanation? Maybe I will finally understand it it will come from you. (3/3) 

Hey anon, that’s alright ! It’s a confusing question and there is a lot of misinformation online. I think it’s better to ask questions (even if a bit misguided) than to remain confused. The first thing to note is that trans people are not a separate gender ; trans men are men like you said, and trans women are women, and any sexuality definition that puts them in a different case ends up being transphobic because of that. 

Beyond that though, I think it’s important to say that there isn’t a clearcut answer to this question because people will define their own labels in different ways. So anything that will try to compare the two labels in any definitive way will often end up being too reductive. 

However, one big thing to know is that, while some bi people will define their sexuality as being attracted to just ‘men and women’, a lot of bi people, along with most mainstream bi activist and advocacy groups and scholars, don’t define bisexuality in a binary way - popular definitions include ‘being attracted to more than one gender’ or ‘being attracted to genders that are similar and different to yours.’ (Possible genders : man, woman, non-binary, agender, bigender, etc...)

So anyone saying that bi is binary or that it stricly means ‘man and woman’ is going to ignore the history and self definition of a big part of the bi community, and therefore strikes me as very disrespectful when it comes from people who don’t ID as bi themselves. 

My own take on it - as someone who mostly identifies as bisexual but also feels some affinities for the pansexual label - is that bisexual is more of a broad, umbrella-type label, where you just say you are attracted to multiple genders in some unspecified way, whereas pansexual is more specific, meaning you are attracted to ALL genders. To me the advantage of the bisexual label is that it has a longer history of community and activism and visibility and reclaiming it helps reducing stereotypes ; whereas the pansexual label introduces the question of non binary genders in a more prevalent way. 

But you can’t put a clear, strict line between the two and trying to do so will probably upset people. I think it has a lot to do with connotations of a word, it’s a sensitive, personal thing. For instance some bisexual people will say that their attraction has no gender boundary. I personally don’t feel a difference of attraction between genders, and so when I started coming out into the LGBT community I’ve had people tell me ‘oh but really, you’re pansexual’ and that felt very annoying and dismissive and invalidating. As if those people knew my sexuality better than me, as if there was something defective with the bi label. So, one very important take away is : don’t presume to tell people what they should identify as. 

There is a lot of misinformation out there - I see a lot of people, especially on this website, trying to justify pansexuality by contrasting it to artificially reductive definitions of bisexuality, and that really annoys me. On the other hand, people saying that pansexuality doesn’t exist or is inherently biphobic is just as absurd to me. First of all - all words are made up, and the meaning of labels evolve constantly. Secondly, you can’t force people to adopt labels they don’t like, and yes that can include reasons you might find petty or unreasonable or shallow (honestly I’ve heard many people say they just picked the label they thought had the better flag lmao). I think it should be possible to introduce the nuance that while bisexuality as a label isn’t inherently binary, a lot of people will still hear ‘bi’ and think ‘two’ and therefore wanting a label that is more explicit about liking all genders is not superfluous. And I think labels have always been somewhat fluid in the LGBT community and that trying to impose too strict separations ignores the complexity of human experience and identity. It’s such a personal thing, and a shitty thing to get mocking or dismissive about, because finding a label that feels like it fits you and your specific sensibilities and history can bring such joy ! 

this or that

spring or fall?

coffee or tea?

leather jacket or bomber jacket?

book or movie?

sunset or sunrise?

dress up or casual?

cats or dogs?

bookstore or library?

rain or snow?

campfire or beach bonfire?

morning or night?

personal

last time you cried?

biggest fear?

biggest accomplishment?

ultimate goal for the future?

ideal life?

ideal person?

biggest regret?

do you think of yourself as confident?

do you think of yourself as pretty?

what are you passionate about?

dream date?

Being Bi

do you have a preference of gender?

what do you find attractive about girls?

what do you find attractive about guys?

do you have a crush?

how has your experience been in the bi community?

does being bi play a large role in your life?

favourite part of being bi?

have you faced any biphobia?

any advice to bi curious or questioning people?

are you out?

Favourite...

food?

weather?

book?

movie?

tv show?

time of day?

item of clothing you own?

thing in your room?

room in your house?

meal?

city?

thing about yourself (personality)

flower?

Random

thoughts on love?

eye colour?

height?

hair colour?

how many times have you moved?

if you were a colour, what would you be?

Personal:

10. I’m very passionate about my writing. It’s my only escape and ability to enter different realms of the world and create alternate universes. It allows me to create characters and dreams and lives for other people. It’s just so serene and therapeutic...

Favorite:

1. how long have you known you’re bisexual? well, I’ve been questioning since like junior year of high school so I can’t pinpoint the exact minute where I probably figured it out but I officially came around to it this year (2nd year of college)!

2. how do you describe your sexuality? I’ve always described it as “attracted to 2 or more genders” because I think it connects to the classic idea of 2 while staying inclusive to attraction to non-binary folks!

7. do you have a “type” or “types”? yesss so in general, anyone strong yet soft who’s easy to talk to will draw me to them but they also have to be a dork :P with boys, I tend to like soft boys and with girls, butch types and honestly anywhere inbetween that for nb ^^ I’m also a sucker for dark short, fluffy hair and lankiness

idk what ur asking here anon.

"do you believe preferences are valid" uh yeah??

some questions and answers about my experience with LGBTQ+

1.       What do you identify as and what are your pronouns? 

I identify as bisexual and genderfluid, so my pronouns regularly change from she/her to he/him.

2.      How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?

I have always been a huge ally to the LGBTQ+ community, but one day I was stepping out of the shower, and kind of thinking to myself what the difference between having sex with a guy and having sex with a girl was. After contemplation, I thought to myself that they really weren’t all that different to me, and I’d probably enjoy having sex with a girl just as much as having sex with a guy. I researched online a little bit, and I figured out that yeah, I’m probably bi. Especially after I fell in love with both Brendon Urie and his wife Sarah, I was pretty damn sure I was bi.

3.      Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?

Sometimes I do, but it honestly doesn’t bother me too much because I come from a very conservative, religious, small town background. I grew up in a private Catholic school where everyone is Republican and nobody even knows what being gay is, much less a different gender. So I’m kind of used to putting up a façade for others. As I graduated and moved away from my hometown, things have been much better, and by politely correcting others, I’m able to be confident in who I am as well as educate the people around me.

4.      Who was the first person you told, how did they react?

Oh god, haha. I distinctly remember that night when I knew I was going to tell my best friend I was genderfluid. I was so nervous and scared, I just sort of blurted it out over text, in all caps, like “I’M GENDERFLUID” and then I kind of panicked, so I proceeded to send her about a hundred Hamilton gifs to cover up what I had typed out and sent. Although it was awkward in the moment, we both laugh about it to this day, and she’s been so accepting and kind to me ever since that moment.

5.      Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?

For my friends, it was a lot of anxiety and doubt. For my parents, fear and chaos. My friends didn’t understand, they thought it was a disease of some sort, and actually a lot of them stopped talking to me. Again, conservative religious background, but still, no excuse. I grew up in a very abusive household, and it wasn’t my choice to come out. My therapist had forced me to tell my parents in a session and it was an absolute mess. Coming out wasn’t the best experience, especially as a freshman in high school.

6.      If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?

I kind of explained above, but basically not so well. My dad went absolutely off on me, and said some of the most horrible things I have ever been told in my life. He said that I was dragging everyone I knew towards hell, that what I was is unmoral, unnatural, and unnormal, acted like I was some sort of monster, said it was extremely difficult to even be related to me, and that I was corrupting his family and disrespecting his household. It was a miserable time for me, but through music, I was able to write a song about it that helped me cope.

7.      What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?

A lot of people assume that because I’m bisexual, I’m some sort of fetish they can use to fulfill their dirty fantasies. I’m always asked to be a part of a couple’s threesome. I am told that the only reason I’m bi is because I want double the opportunities to have sex. It’s ridiculous and disgusting. I’m bi because I like people. Not because I like sex.

8.     Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.

I really fucking love beanies! Most of the time I read that’s the essential clothing item for all genderfluid people, which makes me laugh, because it’s true. Combat boots or converse, black jeans, a band t-shirt, a sports bra or binder, a jean jacket, and a beanie is always my go-to outfit. So much so, to the point my sister told me that every time I go out in public I’m always wearing the same thing, which kind of makes me laugh.

9.      Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?

I don’t know if you’ve ever read the magna, Tamen de Gushi, but I absolutely love it! That lesbian couple is everything! I also really love Shane Dawson and Ryland Adams, of course. Captain Holt from Brooklyn Nine Nine and his husband is amazing. Elijah Daniels and Sam also make me super fucking happy.

10.  What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?

Growing up as a theater kid, I’ve always seen makeup as accentuated and over the top. I only ever wore makeup on stage, and even then, it was special effects type stuff, zombies and clowns and shit. Once I hit puberty though, my mom would force me to wear makeup because she said it would make me beautiful. I hated it. She would force me to put on makeup before I left the door and it made me have horrible self image issues. As I grew older, I found a love for makeup through beauty gurus and drag queens, and I sometimes dabble in it either for fun or for special events like prom or fancy dinners. I always prefer no makeup though, I feel like to me, wearing it is just hiding behind a mask.

11.   Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?

ALL THE GODDAMN FUCKING TIME. Since I’ve gotten my haircut, a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Wearing a binder also helps so much! However, I still really want to start T and I think that will help a lot. Dysphoria affects me in so many ways, whether my self confidence or my body image, my anxiety and my mood, etc., a lot of it depends on how comfortable I am in my own skin.

12.  What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?

Homophobic people are probably the stupidest people I’ve ever met in my life, to be honest. I’ve heard thousands of dumb things come from their mouths. I think the most outrageous myth I’ve heard is probably that being gay is a disease, and that simply being around another gay person will make you gay. Like who the fuck comes up with this shit? Smh.

13.  What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

How creative we are. We’re resilient and outspoken and passionate, but most of all, so talented. The queer community is full of inventors, politicians, emperors, artists, directors, actors, musicians, and more. It’s gorgeous just how much we are capable of.

14.  What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

The discrimination breaks my heart. The fact that we are terrified to so much as hold hands with the one we love in public. To be beaten, tortured, and killed simply for who we are. That is what hurts me the most.

15.  Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?

No, I find it sort of ironic every time there is a pride event I happen to have a concert on that day. Once, a Panic! concert, which honestly is sort of the equivalent of Pride. We went and there were so many LGTBQ+ flags and people and it was so gorgeous. I have attended pride prom once though, and it was probably the most fun I had ever had in a really long time.

16.  Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?

I absolutely adore Miles McKenna. He has helped me so much in finding myself and accepting who I am. He’s such a huge spokesperson for the community and I am so grateful to have him in my life.

17.   Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?

I’ve been in several relationships, surprisingly, through parties and discussions and friends. My s.o. right now I met through high school, which was crazy in itself, but we’ve been dating for almost two years now and I love them to death.

18.  What is your favourite lgbt+ book?

Beautiful Music for Ugly Children is one of my favorite books ever and it’s about being FTM trans and I love it so much wow.

19.  Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?

So very much. After coming out to one of my best friends, she stared at me, disgusted and went “well don’t try to have sex with me or anything” and then proceeded to never talk to me again. I’ve received dirty looks and glares, been misgendered on purpose, and even received death threats. It’s horrible.

20. Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?

I love American Horror Story so much because of just how much representation it gives our community and how natural they make it seem! And of course, “Love, Simon” was an amazing movie that made me cry like a baby.

21.  Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?

I don’t really know about bloggers, but definitely Youtubers! Shane Dawson, Miles Chronicles, Thomas Sanders, Ally Hills, Anthony Amorim, Elijah Daniels, Elle Mills, Garrett Watts, Sam Collins, Todrick Hall, and Trevor Moran are a couple of my favorites.

22. Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?

I don’t think queer should be a slur. I think queer is a form of self expression and an umbrella term for the community, and I believe many other LGBTQ+ members agree. It’s a word that we take great pride in rather than shame or discrimination.

23. Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?

No, but god I would love to.

24. How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?

For me, it’s simply just a part of who I am. Just like the weather, my gender simply changes and I adapt to it. It makes me comfortable in my own skin and proud of who I am. I wouldn’t change being genderfluid for the world.

25. Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?

I fucking hate the idea of pushing a human being out of my vagina, and I would probably want anything else in the entire world other than giving birth. Being pregnant for nine months sounds absolutely miserable and dysphoric, and I cannot even imagine going through labor. However, I would like to have kids, just simply through foster care or adoption, never like my own biological children. There are more than enough kids who need good homes who already exist and I’m more than happy to give it to them.

26. What identity advice would you give your younger self?

You aren’t alone and there are so many people just like you. Your parents do not own you and cannot tell you who you are supposed to be. You are you.

27.  What do you think of gender roles in relationships?

Gender roles are complete bullshit. Let a guy be a stay at home dad. Let a woman be the working one. Everyone should have responsibilities regardless of their gender. If there’s dirty dishes, do the fucking dishes, don’t wait for your spouse to get home to do them. It’s absolutely ridiculous, really. Just do your part in the relationship.

28. Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?

It breaks my heart how much pain and suffering one has to go through just to be themselves, especially for women and trans people. It’s horrible.

29. What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?

It’s natural! It’s comfortable! And it’s normal! Being oneself is just part of life, there’s no need to have shame or guilt about it. Respect someone the way you wish you would be accepted and loved.

30. Why are proud to be lgbt+?