#beyoursledgehammer

“Are you holding my hand?” Bucky asks suddenly, and Clint flushes furiously and jerks his hand as far away from Bucky’s as he can.

Which isn’t very far, because they’re handcuffed together, which is awkward considering they barely know each other, and inconvenient because they’re running through the snowy countryside trying to escape a particularly disgruntled Hydra cell, but Clint just thought it would be easier to stay in sync with their hands clasped, and it was instinctive more than anything, and--

“I didn’t say you had to stop,” Bucky says.

Uhhhhhhhh you’re funny also Sterek in the way back but now here because you seem cool?

i think you mean you’re cool 

beyoursledgehammer replied to your post “replying to replies about not looking for more fandoms to be in”

also anon's ask sounded like 'please watch this and write fic for it'

It did, rather, which in my book is sort of a rude thing to say but I am perfectly aware that to many fannish people this would be a compliment. It’s hard, when one is in a bad mental space (as, oh boy, I sure am-- I just found out on my way out the door after 10 hours on the clock at work today that I haven’t been getting paid for the few hours my job has taken me back, either-- I worked 12 hours 4 weeks ago, and 18 hours 2 weeks ago, and none of those generated any kind of paycheck, so now I have to do battle with my employer as well as the DOL people and sweet Christ I was so looking forward to actually earning some money for the first time since March and now I have another fight to fight and I’m going to have to use a phone and articulate my needs and advocate for myself and I just would like to curl up under a table and fucking cry instead of any of that, and I would just say I won’t come in until they sort it out but they don’t need me so whatever. I have no leverage in this, I never have; they’re still paying me minimum after eleven years so to assume that they value me would be to severely misstate the matter. So to say I’m in a bad mental space is probably seriously underselling it) not to take that as a sort of imposition, or even an attack-- a normal person would have no problem seeing that as a sweet, flattering invitation, why can’t I just watch a simple fucking TV show or whatever it is, God, but it’s a bit of a stretch to assume bad intentions there so I’m really really really trying to focus on being polite and respectful in my answer, because probably this person isn’t just treating me like a fic machine and poking me until good words fall out, but it’s real hard, at the moment, because I am a fucking wreck and that’s sure what it felt like to me. Which, anyway, that was not very composed or clever of me and I should stop there!

I am going to insist that surely anon did not mean it in a gross or demanding way and the part of my jerkbrain that is seeing it that way is just being a jerk.

<small>but also, like, plz don’t do that. don’t ask me to write things. if i have not been talking about a fandom plz don’t ask me to get into it. I get that people like that but I don’t. Like that. It’s not how my brain works. It just feels like another reminder that I am not a normal person and won’t ever be.</small>

lazaefair replied to your post “replying to replies about not looking for more fandoms to be in”

<3 <3 How are the mammoths coming along, by the way?

I wrote that whole bunch of it last year (oh lord, it was only last year. Most of it’s under f-lock but the intro and some of the beginning is publicly readable here, for anyone who hasn’t seen it) and then petered out because not super many people were reading it and also I realized I suck at plots, and then I was revising it with some input from a friend but then neither of us really had time, so I set it aside and now when I look at it, all I can see is how it didn’t really work as a plot and so all I’ve really got is some worldbuilding, and a bunch of scenes I don’t like. Very frustrating and sad. I don’t know where to start, to get back to it.

mikkeneko asked “God that's a mood. I don't understand how people can watch a new...”

God that's a mood. I don't understand how people can watch a new series every week. I need room to get emotionally invested!

Yeah I’ve had a few messages to that effect. I’m glad I’m not the only freak--  I’m not interested in just watching something to pass the time, I only really want to read or watch something I’m going to get fully invested in, but that’s such a huge commitment that I can only manage it once in a--

!!!!! oh my god I’m demisexual for media that’s what it is

it’s just like how I can’t get into people unless it’s going to be a whole thing and most of the time there’s just not that connection so there’s no way I’m gonna. Well, anyway, it turns out that for me that’s not a sexual thing that’s my whole me, I’m not interested in something unless I’m going to basically marry it, and the thought of dating something else while still married to the previous thing goes beyond unappealing into just plain alien. Like, just, how??? like I’m already eating a steak, why would I put an ice cream sundae also into my mouth at the same time, it’s not a perfect metaphor but it has the same total lack of moral judgement I intend here-- it’s not that I don’t love steaks in an abiding fashion, and honestly I actually love ice cream sundaes even more than steaks, but if I’m in the middle of eating a steak I’m not going to order? dessert? and also start eating it? like right in the middle of dinner? I’m already eating, I only have one mouth? Why would I do this? How would I do this???????????

Obviously it does not work this way for most people but that’s super super how it works for me.

astroloquacious replied to your post “replying to replies about not looking for more fandoms to be in”

I would personally love to get to know some of your original fic stuff.

I wish I had the wherewithal to scratch some out now, honestly, because I also want to be writing it but I am currently in the midst of this Witcher steak but a few people have been kind enough to be interested, and I want to post some but I currently hate everything original I’ve ever written, alas. I made the mistake of trying to reread the novella I was working on in, oh god, January, which I’d gone so far as to have some people beta-read before I decided it was... not... good. (It’s not freestanding, is the problem, it’s the prequel to a thing, and I thought, well, I’ll write the prequel, but it doesn’t make sense without the thing, in defiance of my fond hopes, so, I’m sort of stuck again.)

Oh gosh I was working on it in January. Of this year?? It seems like a thousand years ago. Well, here’s a scene from that novella, in which the prequel’s narrator gives us a little rundown of exactly who Our Protagonist really is.

(Ha, I found a description of him in another entry about this. I was calling the protagonist Paladin Guy, because when I first wrote the main novel thing I didn’t know what a paladin was but he definitely was one. Here’s how I described him:

And while Paladin Guy is, like all paladins, a little bit of a dumbass– pure of heart, pert of buttocks, bright of eye, holy of spirit, dumb of ass (I wouldn’t call him exactly home of sexual, it’s complicated)– he’s not a complete moron, he’s got to be smart about some things.

I should close these parentheses.)

Oh my gosh, in one of the entries in the tag about that novella I’m talking about how I’ve just seen the first couple episodes of the Witcher. It was that recently that I was working on it. Fuck. Wow. Ugh.