#berryconfessions

Throw her a medicine ball or a kettlebell, she’d probably like that more than a party. You’re observant enough to notice she’s down but not observant enough to notice that she makes wallflowers seem like social dilettantes? Throw her a line, throw her a bone, throw her a glance, but ye gods and little fishies, DON’T throw her a party!

The familial relations here are less interesting to us than the massivehuge crush you seem to be working on the cute, sweet, helpful doctor. Maybe you could get in good with his hermano? We’re not Cardero’s biggest fans around here, but the vermin raccoon sure knows how to network.

Unfortunately Bellamy Barnes has her lipsticks concocted especially for her by a band of radical couture pixies, so there’s no way to tell what shade it was for sure. However, a source tells us that some key components are a ball of crumpled-up foil, tuberose, sweet almond, and a single strand of hair from a wolf that has failed Grade 8 Math three times (our bet’s on Lilo Lopez for that one). Good luck, SWF!

Really? We hear he’s been regularly blowing up Freddie Watts in the glacé fruitpantry at their inn. How ‘bout that.

If we took it upon ourselves to be the “Elena’s half-naked today” newsletter, it would be a weekly column. Believe us, everybody who’d want to know? Knows.

That sounds like an issue between you and your secret selkie, my friend. Come to think of it, are you even sure it was a selkie? Maybe you cuddled up with a moss-covered beached buoy and that’s why it was so “attentive”. Maybe you’re slightly delusional and also all your friends are tired of listening to you jaw on. Maybe none of this even happened at all.