#bereft

Daniel displaying a fan’s gift on the counter at the Enchanté pop-up in New York | 13.12.24

I imagine

like a sitting duck

like a yellow downed water baby

floating above the gaping jaws of an indifferent hungry carp.

You were our mother’s third baby,

her youngest

but you little brother

were my first responsibility

my first whispered gratitude

in our shared childhood bedroom

“thank you oh god for not letting me alone here in this intolerable starving dark.”

I do not think of him as fearful

because the idea that I have to be braver than him m

is far more intolerable than the dark.

I do not think of him as fearful

because you really can die from a broken heart

and one of will have to stay through this terrible business.

My little brother afloat in a little rubber boat

like children at play on summer lakes

my little brother

with a birthmark in the middle of his forehead

that faded as he grew

a bullseye

a target

a place we would press with our forefingers

and he would laugh

lean forward to kiss us.

The men who would take his life don’t know that.

They don’t know about our shared birthdays

and bedrooms

and the brief time early on when we were the same height.

He says to mother,

it won’t be another man that takes his life

it’ll be a drone.

What’s the difference

oh god

That being said, I don’t know that I ever realized the full extent of the desolation on his face when Joan leaves his flat after he gives her money.

I’ve gotten to the point where I actually have these playing in the background while I do laundry. This happened to be on and I turned around just as she was leaving.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look quite so sad without tears. He just looks lost.