Loneliness and feeling behind.
26 is a very strange age. Not doing enough money to support me or move away from my parents house makes me feel so behind. I don't feel shame in saying that I'm not a career driven person, as a matter of fact, I'm tired of people romanticizing being too overworked to do anything else.
On one hand I'm young cause actual adults tell me I'm a kid, but feel like a grandma next to younger people. I have seen some signs of aging and not precisely rinkles, but whenever I see teens on the mall, I can see how younger than me they actually are. Yet, people often think of me as someone younger.
People I went to school with, are buying cars and houses and I can't even afford a new phone, not without saving. I hate to say it, but it has been my hobby spending money on shit I don't need like expensive coffee or eating out, but how can I deny myself of the things that makes us feel connected, you know.
Loneliness has been my oldest toxic friend, has always been there without me noticing, accompanying with this void that can't be filled in regardless of the situation.
The other day I noticed that I've been going to therapy for about 6 months now, well I guess it makes sense now why I don't have money, I feel that it has help me till certain degree. Cause it hasn't precisely end my insecurities, but how can I perceive certain situation and confront them more wisely.
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I don't know how to meet new people, even tho I'm more open now, I speak more than before. To me is still hard to meet people in a situations where I'm not force to. At school and at work, you have to meet people. But outside of those circles I don't really know how to socialize.
I never had a wild age, never really partied much and even tho is not like something I wanna do all the time, I still feel like I've missed so much of my youth by not going to the club.
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My relationship with my family, is another topic, my dad has always been distant and guilt trips us for not reaching out to him but he doesn't do that either. During my lifetime, I've been jealous twice over the relationship father-daugher that my friends have. I wish to have that certainty you know, like someone is actually looking out for me, but no, I just have myself.
It doesn't matter what I do, I can't change a narcissist, he doesn't care about me and make me feel so neglected.
My mom, I do love her. But I feel like it would be best If we don't live together anymore, maybe that would strengthen our bond but who knows that could distance us too. That's all that I'm gonna say.
My brother, I do miss him. Since he moved away we haven't talk as much as we used to, sometimes it does hurt cause I feel like I lost him, we don't watch movies or go to concerts together. It saddens me deeply the fact that I'll never live with him ever again.
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I don't like staying at home on weekends, I hate being at home actually, I feel like I'm losing my weekend or like I'm not being productive with my enjoyment time, if that makes sense.
It is kind of dumb, that by buying things I don't need it would give me the illusion of feeling that void, but I'm starting to feel like it would never be filled. But at the same time that energy rush is the closest to reach some kind of happiness.
