Oh you guys got married? That’s great man, real great. I’ve thought about maybe settling down myself but, guys like us are in our prime right now, you know? I’d rather sew my wild oats, as they say. There’s plenty of beautiful women in our writing group, for example, that I’ve been working my way through. And I gotta say man, it’s been fun. You’re missing out, although I know you did some oat sewing yourself before you left, might be the only thing you and I ever agreed on haha. Especially your taste in girls, although there’s one in particular I’m going to take great pleasure in breaking, but she’s a tough nut to crack, man, I don’t know how you did it. For once, I might actually ask for your help, isn’t that something? Anyway, glad to hear you’re doing well man, maybe I’ll make my way out to LA one of these days, we’ll have to get together when I do.
That’s interesting, man. Very interesting. Especially since your Facebook profile indicates that you have been in a relationship since 2017 with a very nice librarian named Janet, who lives in Staten Island.
You certainly do need help, man. Take it from me, infidelity is no joking matter. My advice would be to come clean immediately and beg for sweet Janet’s forgiveness. (Although I suspect she may in fact be too good for someone who intersperses shirtless photos of himself “working out” in the gym with spurious conspiracy theories about lizard people.)
To assist you in this endeavour, I have already forwarded a screenshot of the above message to Janet, as a starting point for the conversation the two of you need to have.
