#being average

God: you are going to be painfully average.

Me:....

God: but filled with so much apathy eventually that it will not even matter anymore.

Yesterday during my lunch the very true story occurred

The school receptionist walks into the staff room with a post-it note for me, right as I was opening my blackend chicken avocado ranch salad that I had been dreaming about all day. The post-it reads

“Please call AnneMarie. She wants to know what her son can do to have a better grade.”

This child has a C. We are 8 school days into the new quarter. There are 2 assignments in the grade book.

I laugh. Then ask “When did she call?”

The receptionist says no no she is here.

So I get up, walk away from my salad with the glorious sweet scents of avocado and a hint of cilantro begging to be quickly shoved into my face on my approximately 25 minutes of lunch.

I see the parent looming in the hall as I come from behind the office door. We greet each other having met only ONCE before, despite welcome night, the open house, and parent teacher conferences all having already happened.

“So I need to know how he can improve his grade” she starts

I never quite know what to say when the grade is an okay grade. The kid just gets a few things wrong. So I try.

“Well I think with this one he is just going to have to wait for the next assignment, and really try his best .” I explain “There isn’t a lot in and he has gotten a few things wrong on both the assignments. I will be grading the Bill Nye worksheet by the end of the weekend so if he did well on that it should boost him”

“So there is nothing else he can do?”

“No, not really. I do want you to know that he does have a C and a C is an average grade”

At that moment, she twists her face ever so slightly and responds with a hyper speed voice “We don’t do Average in my house.”

Lots of discussion of self-positivity on Tumblr. I’ve noticed that encouraging people to do their best gets mixed results, and I’m not going to act like “Just do you’re best!” motivates me or pulls me out of a mood slump when I’m in that slump, so I’ve decided it’s time to just embrace the ‘good-enough.’ I’ve come to accept that, yeah, I am better at this than some people. I might not be where I want to be, but to dismiss me completely would be too much.

The Tao that can be trodden is not the enduring and unchanging Tao. The Tao-Path is not the All-Tao. The Name is not the Thing named. - Laozi, Tao Te Ching

I know I'm intelligent. I've never done an IQ test, because I believe it's just another unnecessary box people are placed into. But, growing up, I've been told by teachers and other intelligent people that I'm intelligent. I've always thought school was too easy, and was recommended into gifted programs. Everything from Math to English, I was either top of the class or close to the top. And I know I'm intelligent as well. I see it in the way I think and convey my thoughts. 

Apart from academic excellence, I also have many talents. My parents were very adamant on making me a "cultured" individual. I was placed into various extracurricular classes ever since I was four or five years old. Dance, visual arts, and vocal lessons were the ones I enjoyed the most, and also the ones that came most naturally to me. I also love to read and write prose and poetry. I grew up performing, and honing these skills. I'm very self-critical (another quality of intelligence), so I would always try to improve. I believe in the capacity of any human being to be able to do what any other human being can do. Of course, there are certain limitations resulting from our genes, but we're still all human beings. If one tries hard enough, the limits are boundless. 

I'm also quite good-looking. I've received many compliments, and I'm very confident in my appearance. I also dress well, work out, and take care of myself to maintain my appearance. 

And to add on top of all of this, I'm not a boring prude either. I know how to have fun. I'm quite witty, and I love to be silly. 

Now, I'm not saying all of this to boast. I'm not perfect, and I'm certainly not the best at everything. I can't play an instrument, sometimes it takes me a while to feel the beat of a song, I don't speak the most eloquently, and I certainly don't have model-like good looks. I'm aware of this. I see when other people are better in these ways. I always compliment people where they deserve to be. I was raised to be modest, humble, and to see the good in others. I'm just very well-rounded, and as a whole above average. 

Why does this matter, and why am I speaking on all of this? Well, despite excelling in many ways, I come from a very humble family, finances wise. As a result, my opportunities in life were always limited. Another crutch to this reality is that I'm a first generation immigrant. My parents and I came to Canada in 2007, after I had just completed first grade in China. We came here with very little money, and my parents had to restart their lives. They worked lower middle class or working class jobs to make ends meet. Our connections were limited to people in these sectors of society as well. The focus was always on making more money and climbing up the social ladder. This is why going to a good university, getting a good degree, a good job, and making a lot of money is so important to us. However, it created many problems for my up-bringing. 

My family was dysfunctional, the pressure was on me to dig us out of a hole I wasn't a part of digging, and I had very few friends. I had nothing material to show for my excellence. I'm also a female, with quite the baby face. People like to judge. Humans are superficial. And we create expectations of others in our minds out of these incorrect prejudices. When people first look at me, they more often than not think I'll be a weak, demure, and simple girl. They won't expect me to have all the abilities I hold. Whenever there's a disconnect between a person's expectations and realities, discomfort arises. It triggers a fight or flight response, because there's a sense of unfamiliarity and fear. The disconnect I cause in people's minds is probably quite great. People either love me or hate me because of it. All of this meant I had very little support from the people I most wanted support from - my family and my peers. I was intimidating to most people my age, and my family had very little time or money to spare me. 

As a result, I've always felt pressured to prove myself. There has always been such a great weight on my shoulders to do anything that would show people just how great I am, and what I can achieve beyond people's expectations of me. Eventually, I became drained. It's not easy when I'm able to see past what's in front of me and onto the bigger picture. I'm constantly helping others, when I lack the most support. I won't lie, some of this I did create for myself, because people just don't stimulate my brain enough, or aren't able to match up to me, and I don't feel comfortable asking those I consider "weaker" than me for help. 

At the age of 18, I began losing my mind to it all. I had very little friends - if any I considered close, I wasn't doing what I wanted, and I became depressed. I had just gotten into university, but it quickly dawned on me that this wasn't what I wanted at all. I was doing all of this in search of something that was in actuality meaningless to me. I don't care about money or status. All I want is to live a simple life, and let the days pass me by stress-free. I transferred out of several university programs, dropped out completely, and went to college instead. It made me feel incredibly insecure. Now I had absolutely nothing to show for who I am on the inside. I was back at square one. It felt like my life was starting over. This feeling only brought me down more. I felt like a failure, and I began to lose my way. 

Today, I'm settling back into who I am. I don't have to prove anything to anyone. The future seems incredibly uncertain, but there's one thing I'm incredibly certain of -  who I am and my value. I'm incredibly valuable. It sucks that most people just won't ever see that. But, I have accepted it for what it is. Society is made for the average person, and those who are on par with me will see me for all that I am. I just have to continue to be my best self, and hope for a future where I'm not taken for granted. Results are what matter, not the journey. 

If you are average, I'm telling you to be grateful for being average. It's the luckiest thing a person can be in this society. However, I won't ever dumb myself down to fit in. The results will be shown in my satisfaction with life, and self-actualization (a little Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs reference to end this off). 

Best to everyone. 

One of my longstanding desires has been to become more artistic. I love art and I admire artists, but my own artistic chops have always seemed suboptimal to me. I’ve dabbled in drawing and painting, but never really had any formal education or training, and my art reflects that. Recent landscape art. Often, when I feel artsy, I talk myself out of a project or an idea. It won’t turn out right,…