#beercade

Bar Crawl

Music: “Your Light” by Yoe Mase

“ID, please.”

Norman casually produced the small, rectangular piece of plastic and gave it to the bouncer. The dude was one intimidatingly massive demon with cloven hooves where feet and shoes should be. Every inch of the guy oozed bouncer stereotype (tall, big arms, big chest, icy stare, cold demeanor), but the tight-fitting “Super Mario Bros” t-shirt he was wearing threw off his tough-guy fengshui. Norman fought back a grin, trying not to give away his thoughts. The last thing he needed was to be kicked out of the first bar of the evening. He still had so much exploring to do since this was his first time visiting Hell.

The bar’s neon “Beercade” sign overhead cast a yellow glow over everyone waiting in line behind Cal. Norman had never been to an arcade bar before. Cal said this was the place to come for the best local beer. Norman was more of a rum and coke kinda guy, but beer sounded great when Cal originally proposed the idea.

While the large, green demon checked his credentials, Norman’s eyes drifted up to the beast’s large, black, curvy horns. The way they twisted in a sturdy spiral reminded Norman of a mountain ram. Norman wondered if he ever kicked out disgruntled bar patrons by smashing into them headfirst.

The demon caught him staring and raised an eyebrow. “You need something, bub?”

Cal’s hands clasped Norman's shoulders from behind, making him jump. He poked his head past Norman’s left shoulder and addressed the bouncer, “No, we’re good, Ron. Sorry, it’s his first time in the Furnace so everything is still pretty...new.” Cal planted a peck on Norman’s cheek and gave him a noogie. 

The “Furnace” is what native demons referred to as Hell’s main dimension. Cal brought Norman to Pandemonium, the capital of Hell and heart of the Furnace, to introduce him to demonic culture. As they exited the portal from Earth to Hell, he best described the bustling, satanic metropolis by calling it “an infernal version of New York City.” When the city came into view, Norman’s jaw dropped. The resemblance was unmistakably New York-ish with a dash of hellfire, exposed brickwork, and thousands of screaming, writhing souls of the damned. Skyscrapers grew out of the ground as far as the eye could see and stretched all the way up into the black, tar-like, starless sky. Taxis, cars, and other vehicles packed the streets, making any mode of transportation other than walking a pain in the ass. Flying was also an option for most since several demon species had wings, but Cal said most demons shy away from it due to all the construction and demolition hazards in the downtown area. Dozens of bars, coffee shops, and retail stores littered the bases of every skyscraper. Various demons, creatures, ghosts, ghouls, and undead hustled to and fro in the clustered madness that was Pandemonium’s downtown nightlife.

Cal tried to give Norman another noogie. He rolled his eyes and tried to shrug Cal off. The bouncer, aka Ron, smiled at their playful banter. He cleared his throat, politely coaxing them to stop, “Yeah, I know how it is. My girlfriend is human, too. We’ve been together two years and she still gawks a bit whenever she comes to visit. The Furnace can be a lot to take in all at once.” He checked the identification one more time before extending it back to Norman. “Here’s your ID back, dude.” He gave a nod to Cal. “Have fun you two.”

“We will! Thanks Ron, good to see you again.” Cal smiled back. He casually grabbed Norman’s butt and gave it a squeeze then walked through the door without ever showing Ron his own ID. Norman let loose the grin he’d been holding back and shook his head at Cal. Must be nice to have connections, He thought to himself. He wished he had something like that when he was still a minor.

He was thinking of ways to pay Cal back for that public ass grab when he stepped through the tinted glass door and gasped. The interior of the Bar was laced with intricate woodwork from floor to ceiling. The wood was clearly recycled, but sanded down and molded to fit perfectly in every corner. It looked like something straight out of a boujee architecture magazine. At the far left was the main bar with tap nozzles, shelves of fancy liquor, and a painted version of the “Beercade” sign from outside. On the right sat arcade-style video game machines stacked back-to-back all the way to the patio and emergency exit doors. There was Pac-Man, Galaga, Donkey Kong, Super Mario Bros, various racing games, and even skee-ball. Norman felt like he’d stepped back in time to the 80s.

Dozens of demons crowded around the main bar counter, ordering various glowing liquids, beers, and shots. Some of the drinks smoked ominous gases while others screeched earsplitting cries of intangible babble. Norman swore he even saw one of the drinks try to crawl its way out of a martini glass. He glanced around, trying to locate his boyfriend, when a familiar red hand shot up through the crowd and waved at him frantically. Norman squeezed his way between a very intoxicated rock golem and a succubus with ginormous boobs to find Cal saving the only two remaining barstools at the counter. He beckoned Norman to come sit. 

“Hey you, what d’ya want to drink?” Cal asked as Norman pulled up in the stool next to him.

“I don’t know.” Norman replied casually. “What’s good? I don’t normally drink beer, so order something for me. I trust your judgement.”

Cal grinned. “You got it!” He turned to the nearest bartender and shouted over the noise of the crowd, “Hey Ryali, two Pitchforks over here!” She nodded and gave a thumbs up.

Pitchfork? 

“What’s Pitchfork?” Norman chuckled. What an a-typical demonic beer name. It was almost so corny that it was a perfect fit. He was excited to try it. 

“Only the best brew to ever touch your mortal lips. It’s made from dragon’s blood.” 

Norman grimaced, “Dragon’s blood? I don't know if I can stomach that...”

“Oh no no no, not actual dragon’s blood. Dragon’s Blood. It’s a type of hop plant grown in Erebos. It gives the beer its unique flavor. Ah! Here we go.” He took two sweating, ice-cold beer cans from the bartender. “Thanks Ryali!” The demoness smiled, nodded again, and winked at Norman with her third eye, making him cringe a bit. Cal laughed and handed Norman his beer. “I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of seeing you squirm.”

“Oh shut up and drink your beer.” Norman snarked as he popped the tab on his can. Air hissed out of the opening when the metal punctured the seal. 

Cal held out his can to propose a toast. “Here’s to new beginnings and cute guys.” He winked.

“Uh-huh, suuure. And here’s to us.” Norman retorted.

“To us.” Cal agreed, clanking his can on Norman’s.

The cold can chilled Norman’s lips. The first surge of beer hit his tastebuds and sent waves of bitter, tangy flavor through his senses. 

“Damn! That’s good beer!” He exclaimed, sitting back to marvel the can with new insight.

“Told you.” Cal responded. “Hey, Ryali! Another round over here!”

Norman looked over at Cal and found his beer completely empty. His eyebrows shot to the roof of his forehead. “We’ve had these in our hands for exactly one minute! Did you just chug that?!”

Cal grinned, showing off his fangs, and wagged his eyebrows. “They didn’t crown me ‘Beer Chugging Champ’ in college for nothing! It’s all in the gag reflex.” He flexed his biceps in a display of sarcastic, manly macho-ness.

“Is that so?” Norman cocked an eyebrow as Ryali brought Cal the next round of beer. The demon eagerly opened his second can and began gulping down a good portion of it. Norman returned to sipping his first beer and added with sexual fervor, “I can think of something else you should be chugging right about now...” 

Cal choked, sending spurts of alcohol flying out of his nose and mouth. Ryali, the two other bartenders, and several people around Norman and Cal stared for a moment then started laughing. Norman joined in as Cal got a towel to clean up the mess he made on himself and the counter.

“That’s for grabbing my ass earlier.” Norman chided, sticking his tongue out at Cal.

“You bastard.” Cal laughed, wiping beer from his face and shirt. “Your ass is mine when we get home.”

“Is that a challenge? Cuz I honestly wanna see you showcase those chugging skills.” Norman fired back at the demon. “If you can beat me in a Das Boot chugging contest, you can have me any way you want when we get home, deal?”

A spark of excitement and mischief flickered across Cal’s demonic eyes, “Oh it’s on like DONKEY KONG!” 

They shook hands as Ryali brought over two gallon-sized, glass boots full of beer.

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