#beat ed

Let’s be real about quasi-recovery.

I bought these jeans four years ago right before going into treatment the first time. I don’t know why I kept them but I always figured that they would be too tight now. Especially because up until this year I was living a life in recovery.

This year. I went back into treatment in July. I did a few months and decided I was ok enough to drop down to iop and then I just quit going. I thought bc I was “eating” I was ok now.

and I am eating. Eating SO much more than I did when I was in my eating disorder. But I play it super safe…perhaps too safe. I eat lots of fruits, veggies, and proteins. Some starches occasionally and cartons of vanilla almond milk! *i also over indulge on coffee and tea-which I recognize as part of my ed*

The thing is everyone around me keeps coming to me for advice on how to eat as “healthy” as I do. Because they see me eating bowls of fruit and quest bars and cans of tuna and roasted veggies.

It wasn’t until I put on these jeans today that I realized, I’m still not there. These jeans were from when I was ill years ago. Now I’m really toned in my appendages, but tinier. I didn’t believe my doctors when they told me my weight was dropping because I’m “eating”. I’ve been “bulldozing” fruits and veggies and protein. I can’t be losing! Im ready to run a marathon!!