#beactive.

some things come into your life when you need it most: "most of you don't want success as much as you want to sleep... if you're going to be successful you gotta be willing to give up sleep."

i went to bed last night with a deep deep fear within. it occurred to me that i am not really satisfied with any of my previous months and i already feel a deep anxiety for this next month to begin. yes, i'm speaking of my previous months of this happiness project.  to be quite honest, the only month i truly feel satisfied with is my month of "work." my first month. 

maybe that's why they call these things new year's resolutions. or life changing resolutions. these things take time. and commitment. i got thinking about it, and of course a writer, like gretchen rubin or my other idol elizabeth gilbert, can dedicate a month or three to each goal. they used it as research for their books. they probably even received an advance. i am not a writer. i am a girl striving to live. a girl with a dream so big she can't control it. but i don't get paid for self growth.

i woke up this morning with the same fear. i woke up with a very intense case of the hives, a new symptom of my stress and anxiety that i can't quite feel appreciation for.  as i'm fighting to itch this very intense case on my neck, i realize that what i'm really fighting is to find my thoughts. 

i went looking on youtube for the video above. and what i found first was the previous video post. elizabeth gilbert, herself, speaking about the creative process and the social pressures of that process. i then began thinking about the pressure i place on myself with any project i feel inspired by or passionate about.  

here i have a project that i am sharing with the world (though i suspect i have maybe three people who actually read it) and i'm scared to death that i haven't actually done anyone proud. least of all myself. now before you call me with your reassuring words, mom, here me out. i know i make you proud. i know you love this project. but i realized that this deep fear is not so much a fear, as my gut literally telling me i want more. and what that means is, i want to feel the same sense of success i felt after my first month of this project, everyday. 

this was supposed to be a year of working on myself. but since that first month, i want it to go on record, i haven't showed up for my part of the job. the opposite of what liz described in her ted talk. i believe my creative genius is begging me to take note. begging me to come back to my desk.

that first month. what a success. to spend so much time and energy striving toward a goal and then to have that goal achieved by the end of the month. what a way to start a happiness project. but do you know what happened beyond that? while my fingers continued to type every month and half ass post inspirations of the following months. my heart and my head were still focused on work. to be honest, i practically belly flopped into my career. but gradually, i started to notice that itch i spoke of earlier. i would try to satisfy my genius entity with the occasional recommitment (like here, here and here), but i would always shut down my iMac and walk away wondering if i had fooled anyone. i'd certainly fooled myself, for that evening at least.

so here it is, a fork. my road has so many different avenues. but the one i have decided to take is to take a step back. i know this project was technically supposed to last a year, and while i told you that i was committed to that deadline, i'm telling you now (with plenty of notice), that if you want this project to be as successful as it was drafted to be, i will need more time.

i'm going to work backward. i'm going to take three months. for each resolution. and i'm going to start today with spirituality and revisit each of my previous months. all of the books from each month have been half read. all of the research half highlighted. there's some good stuff in those readings and i'm showing up to finish the work. follow through was never my strength. i'm the idea girl. i create the idea and let others follow through with it. or it slowly fades into the background hiding behind my new idea.