#backtobasics.

where do i even begin? has anyone ever written a marketing plan about the business of their self, i wonder?

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they say you can't have it all. or maybe he just said it so much for the past three years that i assume it is now a "they." today i found myself actually agreeing with that. for the first time, in my entire life, actually believing that maybe you can't have it all. or if you can, maybe not all at the same time. so i'm driving home feeling so defeated and full of doubt until it occurs to me that you absolutely MUST be able to have it all. you can. you absolutely can. 

you just have to work your ass off for it and reevaluate what "it" is.

to me, having it all meant: having the great job, the great man, and the great people (family and friends). some of my biggest debates, most passionate fights, and deepest self-reflections have been for this idea. but, i've had it all wrong. and after years of desperately trying to understand why, despite my greatest efforts and confident boasting, "having it all" never seemed to fit my life. that is, until now.

yet still, i'm driving home, near tears, because it doesn't feel as euphoric as i had always dreamed. it's missing something. it's actually still completely off track. and that is because, i never had it right to begin with. having it all was never about external components. to really feel that fulfilled, i need to look internally. 

i can have the best people in my life. i can be 100% in love with my perfect match. i can have the most fabulous job with the best paycheck. together. individually. whatever. but the real "all" is having a self. a balanced self.

"yeah, yeah, yeah. love of self. i get it, i get it." but sadly, dear alex, you don't. because if you did, you wouldn't doubt the significance of all of the rest of it.

you know what to do. you have all the resources to make it happen. you absolutely will have it all. i repeat, you will. have it all. you just must work for it. you must never stop working for it or letting outside factors distract or take priority of self. because those factors will fall into place and always remain there if that inner balance, love, and acceptance is present, protected, and placed on the highest pedestal. 

now, i realize i've probably written about this before. i realize i've also said, what i'm about to say, before. but that does not stop me from saying it again. because as the video in my last post states, sometimes to find success, you have to want it as bad as you want to breathe. i don't know about you, but i fight for that breath everyday. i have dedicated years of my life fighting to deserve those breaths. and i'll continue to fight for me. 

i'm restarting my happiness project. and i'm reprioritizing what my happiness is all about. same twelve goals. entirely new order. with a whole new set of obstacles and adventures ahead.

some things come into your life when you need it most: "most of you don't want success as much as you want to sleep... if you're going to be successful you gotta be willing to give up sleep."

i went to bed last night with a deep deep fear within. it occurred to me that i am not really satisfied with any of my previous months and i already feel a deep anxiety for this next month to begin. yes, i'm speaking of my previous months of this happiness project.  to be quite honest, the only month i truly feel satisfied with is my month of "work." my first month. 

maybe that's why they call these things new year's resolutions. or life changing resolutions. these things take time. and commitment. i got thinking about it, and of course a writer, like gretchen rubin or my other idol elizabeth gilbert, can dedicate a month or three to each goal. they used it as research for their books. they probably even received an advance. i am not a writer. i am a girl striving to live. a girl with a dream so big she can't control it. but i don't get paid for self growth.

i woke up this morning with the same fear. i woke up with a very intense case of the hives, a new symptom of my stress and anxiety that i can't quite feel appreciation for.  as i'm fighting to itch this very intense case on my neck, i realize that what i'm really fighting is to find my thoughts. 

i went looking on youtube for the video above. and what i found first was the previous video post. elizabeth gilbert, herself, speaking about the creative process and the social pressures of that process. i then began thinking about the pressure i place on myself with any project i feel inspired by or passionate about.  

here i have a project that i am sharing with the world (though i suspect i have maybe three people who actually read it) and i'm scared to death that i haven't actually done anyone proud. least of all myself. now before you call me with your reassuring words, mom, here me out. i know i make you proud. i know you love this project. but i realized that this deep fear is not so much a fear, as my gut literally telling me i want more. and what that means is, i want to feel the same sense of success i felt after my first month of this project, everyday. 

this was supposed to be a year of working on myself. but since that first month, i want it to go on record, i haven't showed up for my part of the job. the opposite of what liz described in her ted talk. i believe my creative genius is begging me to take note. begging me to come back to my desk.

that first month. what a success. to spend so much time and energy striving toward a goal and then to have that goal achieved by the end of the month. what a way to start a happiness project. but do you know what happened beyond that? while my fingers continued to type every month and half ass post inspirations of the following months. my heart and my head were still focused on work. to be honest, i practically belly flopped into my career. but gradually, i started to notice that itch i spoke of earlier. i would try to satisfy my genius entity with the occasional recommitment (like here, here and here), but i would always shut down my iMac and walk away wondering if i had fooled anyone. i'd certainly fooled myself, for that evening at least.

so here it is, a fork. my road has so many different avenues. but the one i have decided to take is to take a step back. i know this project was technically supposed to last a year, and while i told you that i was committed to that deadline, i'm telling you now (with plenty of notice), that if you want this project to be as successful as it was drafted to be, i will need more time.

i'm going to work backward. i'm going to take three months. for each resolution. and i'm going to start today with spirituality and revisit each of my previous months. all of the books from each month have been half read. all of the research half highlighted. there's some good stuff in those readings and i'm showing up to finish the work. follow through was never my strength. i'm the idea girl. i create the idea and let others follow through with it. or it slowly fades into the background hiding behind my new idea.

another month down, and the funny thing. i didn't blog enough to make it worth it. so here i am. with a dilemma. do i continue on and move forward, give you a quick update of my month? do i re-do this past month, because despite having accomplished pieces of it, i still have much to go? do i recognize that this year may have a few hiccups, but that sort of is the point? or do i apologize and bow out?

well, i can answer the last for sure. i'm not a quitter. and even typing the question didn't feel right. so, i'll leave the rest of these questions for you to decide. text me, write me, tumblr question me. the most votes will win. i can go any which way at this point. i'm not limiting this journey. but i will let you help to control its fate.

i had a thought.

i'm tired. so tired. exhausted even. emotionally, physically, mentally. completely, utterly exhausted.

seven days of indecisiveness. which resolution? what to say? i'll do it tomorrow. i want to lie down more than blog. should i get out the house and pull myself out of my winter coma? or maybe try reading something non-blog-research related? it's the holidays. it's vegas. it's a new job. it's the changing relationships. it's anything i can think of.

i really wanted to write about money. i wanted to start better habits. i want a more financially stable life. or maybe i can do friendship. i feel like i've been on some weird breaking point or breakthrough on this topic. or maybe love. i love love. but it hit me. what i need is to go back to the basics.

gretchen rubin's very first chapter in the happiness project is "boost energy | vitality." she started her year with the idea that the best way to execute all of her resolutions is by tackling the most critical motivator first. energy. it's the chapter that drew me in to her book. it hit home. still does. and because of that, i'm choosing to step back. way back. back into time....

things to remember through this process:

people don't notice your mistakes as much as you think.

it's okay to ask for help.

most decisions don't require extensive research.

do good, feel good.

it's important to be nice to everyone.

bring a sweater.

by doing a little bit each day, you can get a lot accomplished.

soap and water remove most stains.

turning the computer on and off a few times often fixes a glitch.

if you can't find something, clean up.

you can choose what you do; you can't choose what you like to do.

happiness doesn't always make you feel happy.

what you do every day matters more than you do once in a while.

you don't have to be good at everything.

if you're not failing, you're not trying hard enough.

over-the-counter medicines are very effective.

don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

what's fun for other people may not be fun for you--and vice versa.

people actually prefer that you buy wedding gifts off their registry.

you can't profoundly change your children's natures by nagging them or signing them up for classes.

and to make them my own...

be alex

let. it. go.

act the way i want to feel.

do it now.

be polite and be fair.

enjoy the process.

spend out.

identify the problem.

lighten up.

do what ought to be done.