#be self aware

its impressive the lenghts some of yall go thru and the mental gymnastics used to never take responsibility and always blame the world, a person etc. for all yall problems.

Be authentic in your deeds, words, and love.

Give genuine care, love and forgiveness by being able to truly feel it within yourself.

*Deep Sigh* Okay I am going to be straight with you all.  I came online and started scrolling through my dashboard.  Pretty normal.   Then I came across a post about the shooting in Thousand Oaks.

The normal reaction is horror, grief, confusion, and anger.  Any or all of these feelings would be appropriate.  

My epiphany was I initially felt nothing.  After a little more scrolling I realized that my reaction to Thousand Oaks was apathy.  

That was when I became horrified and started to feel a deep grief.  

It seems I have become a monster.  How could I scroll past that and feel nothing?

I began to grieve for the me that used to be.  The one who would automatically have been deeply moved by this tragedy. 

My lack of feeling is not on the same level of tragedy as the shooting itself.  That of course is the greater sin for lack of a better word.

But this apathy is also horrific. It means that a part of me sees this as normal now.  I don’t become immediately incensed anymore.  I have lost a part of myself. 

That was when I began to feel for Thousand Oaks.  I am relieved that those feeling arrived even though they were  late.

I then wrote my little PSA because I need to keep sending my thoughts and prayers to victims of these attacks.  I cannot allow myself to stop caring.  

I felt the need to write this just in case anyone else has or is going through similar epiphanies.  If so I hope this makes you feel less alone.

I know that  my initial response, or rather lack of response, is wrong on so very many levels.  I have no excuse for this.  I can only say to those affected by these tragedy is this.  

(A small rant about something I just became aware of)

You may have, like myself, always put other's happiness before your own and said the dreaded line, "If you're happy, then I'm happy," or some other variation of it, but I just came to the conclusion (with the help of my therapist) that it is complete bullshit. Yes, you can feel happy because others are, but you will never be completely happy with it. You can always put other's first, but you will never be full. What's your happiness worth if you never take the time to be selfish once in a while? Stop putting other people's happiness before your own. Yes, you can still do things for others and all because that's being a nice human being, but take some time to be like, "Hey, can we do something I really want to do?" Instead of feeling the pressure that no one will have fun with your idea. Who knows? Maybe you thought they wouldn't like it but had a blast. That way you can still be happy and spread it to others. Your happiness is just as important as anyone else's, but that doesn't mean it should only be you that's enjoying it.

Days, weeks, years from now, you will find that the things you hold so dear, were all trivial to the core.

All of those silly little things you care about mean nothing and this naive quest for absolute perfection is a giant fucking waste of time.