#barely hyperbole

my entire family: Of course we know what's going on! Better than you do, you young leftist fool!

me: Oh? Where do you get your news?

my entire family: What? We don't waste time watching news. That's all lies anyway.

me: I've caught you watching the evening news. Gramps in particular likes to do his own commentary every time they report a crime committed by a black man.

my entire family: That doesn't count.

me: So what are your opinions on this pressing political issue?

my entire family: Our opinion is that you're a stupid and ignorant deranged child for even worrying about that. It's definitely not a real problem because we've never heard of it.

me: Because you're insulated from most economic and political issues by wealth and race and you don't... pay attention to news.

my entire family: Never! But we know. We know exactly what's going on. MUCH better than youuuuu do.

me: Perhaps if I presented you with some new information—?

my entire family: AAAAH No! Shut up shut up shut uuuuup. We hate talking politics! Besides, we already have the only correct opinions about every topic known to man.

me: And where did you get those?

my entire family: *spluttering—turning bright red* Our opinions are ENTIRELY our own!

me: Oh because it sounded like you were quoting [this exact] right wing radio show or podcast verbatim.

my entire family: Honestly we barely listen to them.

my mom specifically: I've actually never listened to tr*mp speak. He's so annoying.

me: Well I did. For years, and every minute of it was the purest misery but here, let me tell you about the things he said and did—

my entire family: All you heard was the liar leftist news telling you what he said.

me: I. personally. watched. MOST. of. his. entire. speeches. and. other. countless. stupid. media. appearances. to form my own opinion based on the man's own words and actions.

my entire family: why would you do that? See, that's insane person behavior. Jeeze stop caring so much.

me: YOU voted for him twice. And you'd do it again!

me, an asexual: ... okay?

my parents & the church: Wait, what?

me: I'm happy being single too.

my parents & the church:

me: Yeah I'm just gonna live alone, make art, do some good honest ranch work, take care of my pets, and maybe travel some.

my parents & the church: gasp—YOU CAN'T REMAIN UNWED!! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO RESIST THE TEMPTATION FOREVER!!! ADMIT IT! YOU'VE ALREADY FALLEN!!!

me: Actually I—

my parents & the church: SEXUAL DEVIANT!! SULLIED WENCH! THE WORST PERVERT SINNER OF ALL TIME!!!

me: but... oh never mind. By the way I'm gender queer. Non-binary.

my parents & the church: we knew it. Being queer means nothing except having TONS of weird sex! ALL THE TIME! We knew you were LOST! WE KNEW!!!!!!!!!!!

my evangelical fam: Well you have a very masculine personality so if you dated a more feminine guy that technically meets the terms of complementarian heterosexuality. It's weird but it checks out.

[They really would just say this shit in the car on the way to church.]

me: yeah.... yeah. We'll go with that for now.

me circa 2019: Nope, gay. Gay and trans.

fam: Absolutely NOT! You're the most womanly woman to ever woman and if you don't fully embrace your femininity and find a manly man of god you will surely burn in hell!!!

clients: to help you pay for that here's 30 extra hours of work that's gonna really aggravate your injury, due in 2 weeks.

friends: Oops, too busy living and hanging out with loved ones in real life to talk to you.

the weather: get broiled idiot.

teenage coworker: gonna leave early after half-assing all the tasks you gave me, hope that's chill but if not, my bad.

boss: Don't you dare work more overtime.

only other coworker (showed up late): gotta tell you about this great new alt-right documentary I'm watching. gran: oh you're stressed about silly things again? That's nice dear. Hm? What was that about nazis? I wasn't listening because you're so silly sweetie. Always worrying about things like wages and never being able to afford a house. Houses are actually very hard to take care of and they're very expensive. Your transphobic mom who thinks you're possessed by demons and the family of right wing anti-vaxxers who harassed you during the pandemic all say hi by the way.

me: ... hi guys.

gran: Yeah we're playing cards. Love you sweetie. mwah

liberals: ooh we don’t talk about that.

her: No you can't work overtime and we can't afford any more employees. Just get all your work done on time.

me: The work being caring for two dozen high maintenance horses in an unprecedented heatwave with only two other employees who're both recently injured? That work?

her: If you can't handle all your tasks on time just do them faster.

me: I've made a few innovations where I could but it would be physically impossible for anybody to work faster, except by doing the work worse. We don't want to do that, see, because then the boarders will get upset and you'll have even less money.

her: If you can't figure it out just ask me for suggestions on how to work faster.

me: Hit me (babey one more time).

her: Well you see if you walk all the way to the back of the property and fetch the furthest horses first, and then work your way forward to the closest ones, that will save time.

me: Brilliant. Literally does nothing to decrease the walking time or distance for anyone but what a wonderful idea it was. We're already doing that.

her: Here's another one— you should split up and each tackle different tasks at the same time.

me: Wow, I can see why you're the one making enough to afford a family and vacations. We already do that too.

her: ....

me: ....

her: Stop logging overtime you ignorant peasant.

My dangerously conservative family that still talks to me: This is difficult to ask but we wanted to have a serious talk.

Me: (wow, they finally noticed)

Fam: Are you an alcoholic?

Me: No… guess again?