Ballah C.
I initially wanted to start this off by saying "I didn't see it in the cards me going on a date & staying over Ballah's" but then I'd be lying. If I'm being transparent & as vulnerable as possible, the minute he requested me on snap I knew this would come up. I'm single, Ballah & I have always done the back and forth game since undergrad, a year has passed since our last falling out, & I'm in my do it for the plot era: 30s edition✨... super el oh el he just texted me and I smiled at my phone.
Lets focus. I didn't expect it, but being with him was very healing and validating in a way that I initially wasn't planning to allow. My in denial ass was like, I'm going to get a free meal, drinks, and bring my ass home... like babes. He lives in Worcester lol. From day one we've always done sleepovers, and the "I didn't bring anything with me" excuse has never worked because one thing about Ballah he's going to buy everything and make sure I'm taken care of. We love a man who's a mannnnnnnnnnnnnnn, but not too much credit for him either. That same man was on some childish non-communicative bs which is why we stopped talking in the first place.
My ego didn't want to express how deeply he hurt me but I'm glad that I did because not only was he receptive to me coming for his life, but it was nice for me to let him know & not just my journal and Paula. Ballah apologized profusely and explained that he understands it was wrong of him, how he's grown, and blah blah blah (I have to minimize it so I don't look into it too much). On top of that, without him knowing he checked me on my body dysmorphia. How I viewed myself last year played an integral role in why I thought we didn't work out.
From getting out my car to meet him at Wan Wangs to being kissed goodbye the next morning, not only did he clarify that he's always been attracted to me in all forms over and over again, he (as he normally does) made me feel beautiful. Ballah makes me feel beautiful in the same way that Frantz did. It's not just words to them, I can both feel it and see it.
So what does this mean with Brittney & Ballah moving forward? Do I plan to make him my next boyfriend? No. Do I plan to continue to allow him to take me out on dates & have sleep overs? Yes.
I want to take a page out of Nina's book (main character from PSP by Danielle Allen) and build an intentional roster of men who fill different needs. realistically I'd like a roster of 4 or 5, that's how young 20's Brittney used to do it and it was a solid system before Frantz made me fall in love with him lol.
None the less I'm excited for this next chapter.
P.s to futures me,
I know the physical touch, quality time, and words of affirmations you receive from Ballah can feel intoxicating. STAND UP BITCH. DO NOT CAVE. HAVE FUN & DON'T FALL IN LOVE W/ THE INTIMACY & CONFUSE IT FOR HIM AS A WHOLE!
Love you,
30 yr old Brittney as of 03/28/2026 @ 8:49pm
