#balancingthisvessel

First of all. I always intend on writing here more than I actually do. I’m not organized and always have so much going on in my head I have a hard time articulating in words what I’m thinking, experiencing, learning, feeling, etc. 

BUT I have learned so much and I’m seeing things coming together in this season of feeling like things are falling apart. 

Over the last month I have been listening to a book on CD in my car called Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life by Dr. Wayne Dyer. This book goes through all 81 verses of the Tao Te Ching (Book of life virtues) and breaks them down giving you a better understanding and also application ideas. Listening to this has hugely impacted the way I see things in life and has offered me a whole different perspective. I have recently been going through a transitional period in life. Making changes at my job, school starting for Malachi (my son, 7), people coming and going out of my life, getting a new roommate, etc and I’ve found that these virtues are helping play a huge roll in how I am responding. I have felt more calm in situations that in the past I would have handled very poorly, keeping my eyes focused on the end goal, and trusting that I am safe, loved, and ultimately responsible for my own happiness and well being. I have learned to appreciate the good AND the bad because it’s good to feel alive and I have found the power to choose not my situations but how I respond to them. I’m working on just allowing things to be and not try to understand them at all.  I am learning that I am the only THE ONLY person in charge of my whole-ness. I’m starting to feel like a contributing human. I am able to give because I am whole. This... is a game changer. I am able to be a better mom, a kinder coworker, an encouraging friend, a relaxed driver, an investor, a forgiver, and a lover. I don’t always succeed but I don’t beat myself up and I make a plan to be more successful next time. 

Whew, it’s been a while. I’d say that would be due to a lack of balance. Ironic considering my blog name but as I’m feeling so much more on track I find myself sitting, with full cup of homemade cold brew, in front of my computer trying to figure out how in the hell to start this blog. At least the digital trashing of my creative process is less messy than a wastebasket with crumpled up papers surrounding it from no successful baskets. 

I’m much more balanced. My life is full of successes, failures, tears, lots of laughter, great conversations, amazing friendships, difficult relationships, love, disappointment, tons of sweating, falling off track, getting back on, falling off again and then getting back on, figuring out who I’m not, figuring out who I am, dedication, laziness, anger, stubbornness, reflection, holding my tongue, saying things I shouldn’t, discontent and total bliss. I’m a mess. No wait… I’m HUMAN.  

How do I find balance? I love myself. Sound silly? Its not. It’s the most important thing you can do in order to find balance. It takes dedication which is something I’ve never been crazy good at but I’m learning through trial and error that may or may not have taken me the last 27 years to figure out. 

I didn’t used to love myself or really even proud of myself. I was, since about 7th grade, trying to be everything the world wanted me to be. I was comparing myself to other women, I was trying to find my worth in the clothes that I wore or the people that gave me affection. I was a mess. Later on, aside from being a young single mother, I had no clue what my purpose was and everything I wanted didn’t seem possible. I obsessed over my image and was ashamed of my “mom-bod”. I never had strong, long-lasting friendships and wondered what was wrong with me. I tried the easy fix on a lot of things and never found success (no surprise). I was so lost when it came to knowing who I was. When you don’t know who you are life can generally be a shit show. 

It took a lot of pain, hurt, anger, resentment, straight up hitting my rock bottom and a failed marriage to begin the process of taking control of my own life. I am no longer always angry, hurt, in pain or resentful. I am at peace with the things that happened and see them as an absolute necessity to get me where I am at this very moment. I am grateful for them. 

Through a lot of sweating, miles ran, mountains climbed, yoga sessions, investment, dedication, and courage I am feeling better than I ever have. This wasn’t easy, not at all, I had so many amazing friends/family supporting me, listening to me, giving me advice, investing in me, and holding me accountable. There were a lot of things happening to me to affirm that I was on the right path and that was simply celestial. I get teary eyed thinking about how well I was taken care of at that moment in time. I was given exactly what I needed. 

I stayed committed to my health and fitness lifestyle. I started feeling stronger in my mind and body. My yoga practice really took off and I invited and embraced more intentional living practices into my life. I started to feel this immense feeling of not ego, but self-esteem. I started doing things that for me required confidence. (ie: wearing shorts, less make-up, etc) I started being a transparent and raw version of myself. I was strongly feeling the liberation of knowing that others perception of me did not actually make me who I was. I was figuring out that I am so much more. I was discovering that I had purpose, that I was valuable, and that I am worthy just the way I am. And there it was the most beautiful thing I had experienced in my life… I was falling in love with myself for the first time… ever. This, for anyone, is such a beautiful thing and reflecting on it and writing it down makes me get emotional. I was renewed. For the first time in my life I started to feel like I had purpose. 

I have gained so much from the mess. I have gained so much choosing to get off auto-pilot and take control of this one and only vessel I was given. I gained so much from surrendering and learning to forgive.