#badtv

the severance fandom was an experiment silently orchestrated by yours truly so we could go back to those season 1 audience numbers

Van Pires (1997)

Ooohh fuck me. Thank you to my friend Dempsey for sending these dvds my way.. I think thank you?

Terrible cgi crosses with live action in a sense of Superhuman Cybersquad but fully on LSD with more puns then any human can handle. A meteor crashes into a junk yard possesing cars and random garbage with demon souls. Conveniently four teenagers that seem to love 80s metal get blasted and get the powers to turns into half car half human but only after dark. The evil junk monsters need to suck gas to live so the amount of times the characters make weak jokes by saying suck gas and kick gas is mind boggeling. Cgi similar to the worst episodes of Beast Wars blur everything and the live action scenes are so weird and silly you will have no idea what you are watching. I claim the evil Vanpires will be a back up army for the 4 horsemen of the children's movie apocalypse. This was a show that show how aired on the WB and Fox and we all blocked it out of our minds, probably from trauma. There are several volumes of dvds cause this got a full season some how. I recommend episode 2 with the cheesy fake Motely Crue in it. However the end of the first episode ends in fart jokes as they need to drink fuel to survive but when then turn back to humans in the sun light they all suffer from gas.. get it gas..do you get it? DO YOU get it.. gas.. fuel.. farts?

Kill me.

Non stop puns only get worse by the old guy that manages the heroes who is a burnt out rocker in a fake English accent making family friendly stoner jokes that goes by the name of Van He'llsing saying the last name is pronounced like He will sing cause he used to hang out with the Rollingstones. It gets worse with different songs in the credits that sound like terrible Christian rock songs. I don't think this is religious but it does feel like Bibleman quality and dorky humor to the max. Or the people who made this were just super high and cry everytime they watch this sober. The company is the Gentile entertainment group, which is just a family last name that appears all through the credits.

Im watching episode three and the evil leader Count Trakula tells his henchmen to "stop idling " and I don't even think they know they made a pun this time. Oh and yes the villain is called Count Tracula and looks just like Megatron from Beast Wars. In this episode Trakula bites a tank and makes it turn into a demon l that looks like a giant take on Torch from Puppet Master. I know i make shit sound fun when often its really shit, so beaware , this is shit. The live action scenes when the heroes aka the Motorvators hang out and make teenage rock n roll puns while hanging out with the old man with acting skills of an anti drug psa are way more fun then the cartoon action scenes ... aaand yet.. those scenes still suck gas.

One character says to his friend that's getting angry "hey man cool your engines and shift gears , no need to cause a 50 emotion pile up when we can throttle out of here and put the breaks on these guys" Every line is a car pun , EVERY fucking line.

However mind blown that the line "Dont truck with Trakula" is murmured.

So bad that it needs to be seen. But as I finish disc one I feel maybe even I dont have the strength to keep going... pressed play on disc two is like turning the ignition on my mental meltdown revs 0 to 60 death race. See I can do it too.

Random facts:

John Entwhisle added some music to this and their is a rpg of it. What the fuck?

Also the old man Van He'llsing is credited as himself in the credits and has no imdb listening. He is in a wig and fake mustache leading to an internet rumor that he is secretly Gary Oldman, which is fucking hilarious.

In closing may I say They don't even transform into cars!!