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on what you should/could say to the single people in your life
After my last post about what not to say to the single people in your life, one of my best friends texted me to say that she was pretty sure that at one point or another she had said all of the āterribleā things in my pie of āwhat not to say to your single friendsā. And then she suggested something brilliant: that I write a follow-up piece about what you āshouldā say. So here we are!
Let me first be clear: I do think that many of the things in that pie can be harmful, especially when said offhandedly by someone who doesnāt know me very well but is smug about their married status and thinks they have it all figured out. As another amazing friend puts it, these are the ājust add waterā comments. When said by people who love me and just want me to be happy (which is probably most of the people who have said this stuff to me), I can usually take it in the loving way itās intended. None of it is terrible; itās just not all that helpful.
Summer of 2016: I was at the wedding of two very dear friends with Mr. Almost But Not Quite It. The night before the wedding, I met a friend of theirs, a fellow spoken word poet who entered the scene after I left. (As an aside: I developed an immediate crush on himāheās a total sweetheart. If heās reading this and didnāt know that, well, now you know). At one point in the evening, I was sitting on the steps of the venue getting some air, and behind me sat this poet, who was single and stuck in a conversation with someone who was saying pretty much the entire Help the Single Victim pie, one slice at a time. I wasnāt single at that point, but I had an overwhelming urge to just reach back to him and say āitās okay. I get it.ā
We know you mean well. Really. So, at the risk of speaking for all single people (but not really, because that would be ridiculous), hereās my attempt at sharing with everyone what could be more helpful to say instead. Caveat: these suggestions only really apply to people who are single and want to be in a relationship.
Pre-pie thought: please recognize that we live in a world where being coupled is a privilege. I know not everyone wants it, and some people love being single. I know not every relationship is happy and fulfilling. And, there are a lot of advantages to being in a relationship, particularly a long-term domestic partnership. Just acknowledging that you have that privilege (if you do), and that you donāt know what itās like to experience being single and wanting a relationship the way your friend does (unless youāve recently been single) can go a long way.
Executive summary: if you want to skip the rest of this post, pretty much all of it boils down to this: listen, ask questions, try to get it, reflect your friendās feelings, and support them in living an awesome life while theyāre looking.
So now, letās look at the pie one slice at a time:
āYou have to love yourself before you can find loveā: As I said in my last post, self-love is awesome, so think about how you could encourage the single people in your life to develop this without having it be a condition for them being loved by another. Maybe start with āIād love to see you loving yourself as much as you want to be loved in a relationship, while youāre looking. How could I support you with that?ā
āYouāll find love when you least expect it/when youāre not lookingā: Maybe just donāt say this, k? Itās ridiculous. Have you ever tried to āleast expectā something you really really want? Also, have you spoken to a woman with a ticking biological clock? Thereās no turning off looking. Also: not even factually accurate. Do you know how many relationships start online, with people actively looking?
If youāre insistent on the sentiment underneath this (which hopefully is that you want your friend to be living a fulfilling life vs. having their entire focus on finding a relationship), then you could ask your friend what theyāre doing that brings them joy while theyāre looking.
āDonāt worry, your time will comeā: This is where straight up reflecting that your friend is having a hard time (if they are), while also affirming how awesome and loveable you think they are can be really loving. Something like, āI know this is really tough for you. Iām sorry it sucks right now. I want you to know that I love you and you are a super-lovable human Iām grateful to have in my lifeā.
āEnjoy it while you can; relationships are hard work!ā: If your single friend is not already acutely aware of this, theyāve been living in a cave. If theyāre anything like me, they want to do that work. There is growth that can only happen in the container of a romantic partnership. This comment, though, stands in for any āgrass is greenerā argument. What to replace it with? More of the encouragement to be actively living and enjoying their life now, without making single life some utopia (to which you maybe think you wish you had access).
āDating is a numbers game. Just keep at it!ā: You guys, dating can be really fun, and it can also be a total grind. I rewatched some of Sex and the City Season 3 on the plane yesterday, which includes the episode with Charlotteās iconic line: āIāve been dating since I was 15. Iām exhausted! Where is he?!ā Story of my life. All of this to say: ājust keeping at itā is not as easy as it sounds when youāve just come back from your third mediocre coffee date of the week, or your epic second date with a total unicorn that ended in the heartbreaking disappointment of finding out he doesnāt want kids anytime soon (just as, you know, an exampleā¦). It is hard to get yourself out there again and keep a smile on your face.
So how can you help your single friend? First, get their disappointment. Ask them what itās like for them and how theyāre feeling about dating lately. And then, if theyāre open to it (and only if theyāre open to it), you could gently help them reframe things (tread lightly, though; this could be annoying unless the suggestions are sought after). One thing thatās really been working for me lately, courtesy of my awesome love project coach: I try to find things in every date that are evidence of what I want showing up, even if I didnāt connect with the dude.
āYouāre just being too pickyā: There is a fine, fine line between calling someone too picky because they legitimately have a ridiculous list of criteria that no one human being could ever fulfill, and calling someone too picky because you think they should settle. I know you think youāre probably pointing out the former, but for most people hearing it, it sounds like the latter. I am picky. I have done a lot of work to see if my criteria are actually ridiculous, and to loosen up on some things that are maybe a little too much to expect, but would be awesome bonuses. And: I want someone as awesome as I am, so I am not willing to get less picky at this point. So, if you want to be genuinely helpful, ask your friend about what theyāre looking for, and really get why thatās important to them. Ask them whatās underneath those criteria (like for me, I discovered this year that underneath my criteria for an intelligent partner is that I want to be stimulated and inspired, and that could look a lot of different ways). Do this in a way that is curious, not accusatory.
āYou donāt need a man!ā: Um, thanks for the revelation? Of course I donāt technically need a man; I am a perfectly capable, independent woman who would no doubt survive the rest of my life without a man. And, Iām attracted to men and do have a need for deep and intimate human connection. I am blessed to have an absolutely phenomenal group of friends with whom I have deeply intimate connection. And, put simply, none of them can provide what a partner would. In our isolated world set up around couples, peopleās partners are their people. Right now, I depend on a core group of very close friends for emotional support, and they do an amazing job, but most of them have their partners to go home to at the end of the day. I do not have sex with them, I do not (for the most part) cuddle with them, I do not kiss them, I do not (for the most part) hold their hands, and I pretty much only hug them at the beginning and end of our hanging out.Ā
Okay, rant over; on to the pointers! As most of this advice has boiled down to, try to understand what itās like to want something so human so badly, and to go long periods without having some fundamental needs met. Then, while recognizing that you canāt (and appropriately so, shouldnāt) fulfill all of those needs, ask them what you can do to help ease it. Then show up, in whatever way you can.
on self-love (and what not to say to the single people in your life)
One of the most trite pieces of advice that perennially single people get (right up there with āyouāll find love when you stop looking/least expect itā) is that in order to find love, we must fall in love with ourselves first. I could write an entire post on this, but Dena Landon did it better for BUST last year, so Iāll just let you check that out for yourself. (Also see GimmeSomeOven for a different, illustrated version.) And, lest you think Iām an ungrateful person who doesnāt want people contributing to me: I get it. Youāre trying to be helpful. I really do appreciate it and know that it comes from a place of love, and I love you for that. And, just maybe stay away from these particular phrases.
Back to the worst offender: āyou have to love yourself firstā. Even while knowing that it is partly (or perhaps wholly) true, I have always been bothered by this advice. Are you seriously telling me that every single person who finds love could honestly say that they love themselves? I doubt it. Well, maybe some (or even most) of the ones in happy, long-term relationships, but I would bet that many of them learned to do that along the way.
This is not, of course, a theoretical thought exercise for me: over years of not being sure if I really did love myself, of feeling incomplete or like there was something wrong, this particular piece of advice stuck with me and made me feel like I didnāt actually deserve love, and contributed at least in part to the drive to fix whatever was wrong. (See my earlier post on responsibilityāI acknowledge my propensity to turn taking responsibility into blaming myself, creating a vicious circle in this particular scenarioā¦I think too much.)
Regardless of what happens with my love life over the course of this love project, I will maintain that this is terrible (or at the very least, supremely unhelpful) advice to give to single friends (of whatever gender). As I said: I still think self-love is a pretty great idea. Just not āin orderā to find a relationship. In no small part, this love project Iāve embarked on has been about learning to fall in love with myself, in a real, authentic way.
One of the biggest pieces of feedback Iāve gotten consistently over the years is that people wish Iād actually see myself the way they see me. I have long known cognitively how much I have to offer, and the difference I make in the world, but have still struggled to actually live into that like the truth, to show up as that, to truly own who I am and let it show.
I started working through this process earlier this year. This work wasnāt explicitly about an end goal of self-love (or any end goal at all, really), but more generally the ongoing work of settling into myself and what I want for my life. Iāve made a lot of changes in the name of taking better care of myself. I created a vision for the future of my career that actually serves what I want for my future, not just my firmās, shared it with my colleagues, and started taking actions toward it. And through this love project, Iāve started looking at myself in the mirror and actually seeing someone I not only like, but think is pretty freaking awesome. (No joke, you guys: I actually say nice things to myself when I look in the mirror now. Itās pretty adorable.) Somehow, in consciously completing 2017, which has been a hell of a year (for must of us, right?), I realized that I now actually feel what Iāve known cognitively for a while. I am owning who I am in the world, in pretty much every respect. People have started noticing and commenting on this new confidence without me even sharing anything about it.
And itās shown up on dates. Some of you know that as part of this project, Iām doing a dating game, where I go on at least two dates a week (and at least one has to be someone new). I took the second and third week off (without entirely meaning to), but am now back in the game, and my goal has been to be myself no matter what on each of these dates. Typically, if I like someone, I get distracted and start trying to present myself in the best light and get weird; if I donāt, I withdraw and just try to get through it until I can politely end the date. Now, Iām just full-on being me, and Iāve gotta tell you, itās been a hell of a lot more fun. I even had a date with someone who seems to be a real live unicornĀ on Wednesday!
Like falling in love with another human, self-love is not an on-off thing; having discovered this new place, I plan on continuing down the path and falling in deeper. What I love is that no part of this has been about doing it āforā someone else. And whether or not it leads me to find my match anytime soon (while obviously hoping it helps), itās definitely a great place to be.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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