#badbrainday

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neхт ѕong | ↺ repeaт | Ⅱ paυѕe |

ᵛᴼᴸᵁᴹᴱ : ▮▮▮▮▮▯▯▯

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! about me !

➮ bones / syd / squid

➮ 21

➮ they/them

➮ queer demi nb

➮ jewish witch

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! etc !

➮ living w/ autism, adhd, bipolar 1, psychosis, C-PTSD, generalized anxiety, anemia

➮ while I do not have strong religious views, I am very spiritual and very connected to my ethnicity. jewish mysticism plays a big part in my practice. this is why I consider myself a jewish witch.

➮ I do age regress due to childhood trauma & dissociation. if you don't know what age regression is, check out this

➮ some of my special interests include sloths, animal crossing, halloween, criminal minds, stuffed animals, witchcraft, and lego games 

➮ current hyperfixations: arcane, letterkenny and gaming setups

➮ some of my personality thingies: intp, 5w4, ravenclaw, chaotic good

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! DNI !

➮ if you're : racist, antisemitic, transphobic, lgbt+ phobic, pedophile (NOMAP, MAP, or whatever you call yourself), TERF, misogynist, ableist, nazi/white supremacist,

➮ if you: police pronouns, support Autism speaks or ALM, make fun of autistic traits or don't support neopronouns

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! directions !

➮ @bad-brain-day - you're here!

➮ @whatevsquid - main シ

( ^ I follow from here )

➮ @witchyb0ne - witchblr

➮ @babyyysweets - agere

➮ @s-marty - nfsw tumblr

➮ @autisquid - #actuallyautistic 

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thanks for reading!

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💌 (1)

bones has sent a reminder!

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This sadness is paralysing. Existing is uncomfortable. Remembering is a death sentence. I know my happiness is in my hands - no one can “make” me happy, because it’s something that I need to work on. Where do I start though? Why am I passively suicidal - still? What’s the deal?

Closeness feels soothing and absence feels unbearable. I’ve become so fucking sensitive. And what’s worse - my reward system is unfortunately wired to uncertainty - because of the inconsistency I’ve let myself get used to.

Lately my memories feel like swiss cheese, holes everywhere. I know things happened, but I can’t hold onto the details. I can’t recall. My superpower memory has been hijacked by my broken amygdala and it’s a sad state of affairs because it was never like this. My brain genuinely feels like mush. My heart rate increases so quickly and the anxiety I experience is suffocating. Random. My urge to run or get out for air is so strong because my chest feels so tight. I can’t live like this. I don’t have the patience to. Beta blockers would help.

I just want to feel safe and at peace. I would do anything to feel this way. Throw my phone away, move to the hills whatever the fuck just please calm my nervous system because this fight/flight/freeze situation isn’t cutting it. It’s making me sick. I’ve even contemplated drugs in the past so much as procuring them and staring at it for days before confiding in a friend and having it disposed. I know I’m not as healthy as I appear to be rn.

I’ve noticed time and time again in multiple situations that i struggle to recall details, form arguments, or find the right words in the moment. I can literally see the arguement moving in circles around me but I can’t keep up. I know what’s happened but I can’t put it into words fast enough. It’s like I freeze in the moment and only think of the right response hours later. It feels like fog in my brain though. I don’t even make sense.

Idk man. Aspirations so high, motivation so low, letting myself and the people I love down repeatedly and then berating myself for it. It’s a neverending cycle of failure.

If something happened to me, I really think that would be okay. I’m just so tired.

I couldn’t give a fuck about how I’d pass the depression on rn either ( as selfish as that sounds..) some days I just can’t be asked to be empathetic or considerate. I’m not gonna off myself but idk? Maybe pneumonia or tuberculosis given my shitty immune system would do it?