#bad brain stuff

What if I post a new video and no-one watches it? What if I make an Instagram post and it gets no views, or gets negative feedback? What if I'm just not good enough?

What if I finally monetize my blogging and vids and no-one contributes?

It's only been 2 hours since I launched my Kofi. I'd been meaning to do it for months. My terror of going broke finally overrode my fear of failure.

No notes. No donations or tips. No nothing

It's only been 2 hours. I need to advertise more and give it a few days. I know.

But the shitty part of my brain is like

"See? I knew you'd fail. Why did you even bother?"

and i’m just trying not to think about it trying not to think about it because at this point nothing comes of thinking about it except anger and sadness

so i try to focus on enjoying things and distracting myself

and then in the process of doing so i come across something that i want to show one of them or i think of something i want to tell one of them

or i reference a memory of them

because they’ve been my primary social group for five years so they’re in a lot of my best memories

and i just remember that i’m never going to have that with them again. i might not even ever talk to them again

because i can’t forgive what they did and i can’t unknow what i know

(the thing that drives me wild is this conflict didn’t even have to happen. it served no purpose. except maybe to show me how little i could rely on them before i tried to do so in an even more serious circumstance.)

so i guess i just need to keep busy until it stops hurting so much

i kind of want a drink

i don’t know if a drink would help or hinder my goal of not thinking about it

soon i’ll be able to go to sleep, which will be good. the past couple weeks have mostly been an exercise in problem solving where the problem is always how to pass the time until i can sleep again

also this was really unfortunate timing to run out of meds