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Full story from The Babylon Bee

London Mayor Sadiq Khan was deeply confused by protests over the weekend where no one was shouting "Death To Jews."

Khan was reportedly unsettled by the lack of calls for ethnic cleansing, and dispatched over 4,000 police officers to investigate.

"I don't understand what's happening here," said Khan, watching the protesters march. "Why are they carrying English and British flags? What happened to the Palestinian flag? I haven't heard any calls for mass murder. I haven't seen a single Jewish business owner accosted. I'm rather flummoxed."

Though chants for killing off an ethnic group have historically raised eyebrows, Khan's tenure as mayor had yet to see protests without them. "It's concerning to not hear those chants. It disrupts the rhythm everyone has grown accustomed to," said local man Terry Mitner. "If they're not out there calling for the extermination of an entire people group, what are they even doing?"

MANCHESTER — The Crown Prosecution Service announced that charges had been filed against a Jewish synagogue on Thursday for provoking a violent terrorist attack against themselves by being openly Jewish.

A synagogue located in Manchester was the site of a deadly attack last week in which two people were killed and three others were injured. Authorities were acting quickly to punish those involved, including the synagogue and its members, for being openly Jewish.

"We have a zero tolerance policy for violent stabbing offenses," said Crown Prosecutor Henry Thomas. "That's why we have to punish these Jews for being so Jewish. It just incites more stabbings."

Authorities officially charged Heaton Park Hebrew Congregation Synagogue with incitement of violence and advanced displays of Jewry. If convicted, the synagogue will have to pay a hefty fine of £5,000 or 453,285 afghanis. In addition, Jews who refuse to sign an official apology could face up to five years in prison.

A defense barrister speaking on behalf of the synagogue was unable to get the charges dismissed because his clients are, in fact, quite Jewish.

"I don't know how we're going to win this one," Barrister Clyde Wrinkles said. "My clients are definitely Jews, and we have the Muslim stabber on video saying, 'I am stabbing you because you are Jews.'"

Prime Minister Keir Starmer said he hoped this case would prove a lesson to other Jews out there. "Think of all the stabbings that could be avoided if there were fewer Jews being Jewish," he said in a statement. "We could be living in a socialist utopia if it weren't for these Jews doing Jew things."