#axolyaps

I have no one, no I’m not talking about online, I’m talking about irl.

Moots, online friends or whatever you call, thanks for being there for me but my problem is just not that easy to solve.

1. I never felt accepted anywhere.

I am Turkish guy, living in a western country and around the age of 13 I started to discover and accept myself even more. I am queer. I have come out only to some people that I trust or trusted.

I have been victim of racism and indirect victim of homophobia coming from white people or any non Turkish ethnic.

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I have been victim of indirect homophobia coming from turks. I will never be able to come out to anyone in my family, they will never accept the real me. I accepted this fact long time ago.

But hearing homophobic shit is tiring as fuck. Well I’m lucky no one in my family is as obsessed as american bigots so it’s more of a taboo thing to talk to but outside, it’s just worse and worse.

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Racism isn’t something that only exists among white communities and I’m getting all of it. Racist/purist turks are so annoying to deal with. It’s quite the same experience for anyone who is in the ethnic group of the racist/purist person.

« Gotta keep the blood pure »

« Don’t marry non Turkish girls, you won’t be happy »

FUN FUCKING FACT : I was hanging out with a black girl who had enough pitty to hang out with me. Then an old Turkish lady asked me if the bus was coming, since it was obvious that she was turk the conversation continued in Turkish. Then out of nowhere she told me « Find yourself a turk, these girls are not muslim or turk, it won’t work out ». She kept on insisting on how the cultural and religious difference won’t make it work.

I SWEAR I CAN’T EVEN HANG OUT WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT BEING SHAMED.

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OH DON’T GET ME STARTED ON THE PURISTS OF THE HOMELAND. THEY LEGIT HATE ME FOR BEING BORN AND LIVING IN AN OTHER COUTRY THAN TÜRKİYE.

Also, RACIST LGBTQAI+ people. How the fuck you hate minorities while being one that is supposed to accept everyone and spread love not hate.

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So in the end I am not accepted by :

- Racist / Homophobic whites and non turks

- Racist / Purist / Homophobic turks

- Anyone who is Islamophobe or non humanitarian

- And if I’m not wrong on the term terfs, basically fearing that I won’t be accepted in the lgbtq/queer neither.

2. No one accepted me either way

It’s since primary school, no one wanted me, I was that kid who everyone hated.

In middle school, I was literally chasing groups. I approach them, they all move away, the more I try to get closer the more they go away. It was like that for 4 years until middle school ended.

The worst part was that the same people who didn’t wanted me made comments on how I don’t hang out with them. The only nice guy asked me at 8th grade why I was so depressed at 7th grade.

I told him « y’all never took me in. »

He answered « sorry, I didn’t want to be left out »

Before 9th grade, the summer vacation I got assaulted, it made my mental health get even worse ( due to also being assaulted in 8th grade ). So I had controversial takes and opinion. It didn’t last long cause I got bullied by everyone into oblivion and that bullying went going on even to this day.

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High school, I’m scared as fuck to live again what happened in middle school. My strategie ? Be nice, humble and don’t get offended that easily.

Everyone is talking over me, in my back, looking weird at me, ignoring me, avoiding me. I made sure not to be an asshole but in the end it just made me their gossip subject. No one asked me to hang out, no one is my friend, I all alone.

Even tho racism is somewhat less felt between students the homophobia is still here.

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NO ONE WANTS ME, NOT A SINGLE SOUL TALKS TO ME, ASKS ME IF I’M OK OR NOT AND EVEN WHEN THEY DO IT IT’S IRONIC AND HYPOCRITICAL.

This tiktok explains what I’m going through with some mother fuckers right now.

So in the end I never had any real friends, all of them are just using me or pretending to « tolerate »

AND MIND YOU THE FACT THAT NONE OF THEM KNOWS THAT I’M PANSEXUAL

3. I’m failing at finding people irl / it doesn’t work

I have school from 8 am to 7 pm, the school system doesn’t give me any free time to do an activity. I can’t go to clubs to find people who shares my interests.

I can’t install dating apps because I’m a minor and apps that are made for minors are mostly filled with predators.

I tried subreddits, tumblr communities, searched on tiktok, snapchat even discord servers.At this point the only app that I haven’t used to try to find irl is X/ Twitter ( not like I use it ).

Here is my experience with them :

Snapchat : most of my recommendations are from people from my high school.

Discord : servers filled with pedophiles, groomers, porn and scam bots, homophobes, racists etc…

Tiktok : I searched everything, not a single video or account that helped me.

Tumblr : Communities are somewhat ok, but the same issues said before and the next ones are making it worse

Reddit : same issues and the next one.

Especially on reddit and tumblr I can dm a 100 people only 1 person will reply, from 100 person who replies only 1 will be an actual and decent human being, out of 100 of those only 1 will keep a convo.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY OUT OF 1 BILLION PEOPLE ONLY 1 WILL BE FROM MY CITY AND WE WOULD BE ABLE TO MEET IRL.

In the end society and the systems are blocking me from human connections and blaming me for not having one.

4. People who lies

Fuck you all, I hate everyone who tells me that everything will be alright. No it doesn’t, people in their 20s, 30s, 40s even 50s ( and +60 ) are struggling with loneliness. I saw so many posts with M30, M40 on reddit. These people are so desperate they try reddit. FUCKING REDDIT.

And from what I heard dating apps don’t work either. What is supposed to work then, let me just scream « PEDOS RAPE ME » maybe then someone will love me, at least my body.

I’m tired of people telling me lies and this part is destined to everyone who told me that everything will be ok. Fuck you, I hope you suffer true loneliness and be desperate.

5. Everything is getting worse

I can’t take it anymore, depression gets worse.

I can’t vent to anyone, my hormones just makes me want to have sex so bad, this craving just amplifies my depressions. I feel like I need anti depressives, anti hormonal anything that will make me stop wanting to have sex.

My parents are making things worse too, between my mom who yells at me for venting a fraction of my problems, my dad who tried something just to end up blaming me for wanting the perfect friend.

I can’t concentrate anymore, I can’t sleep, I keep doom scrolling hoping to find someone.

I just want to stop feeling, stop suffering just stop everything.

6. What I think I need

- Irl friends that accepts me as who I am

- Irl friends who I can vent to

- Irl friends that I can hang out with

- Irl friends or friend with benefits because I’m touch starved and sex craving teenager.

- A school schedule that isn’t torturing me

- Meds, anything that will boost me up, make me feel better. ( my therapist said no tho )

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Well this is the end. I want irl friends so bad, it’s driving me crazy, but everything is just there to harm me. People irl, total jerks. Online, pedos, groomers, etc. I can’t even legally be on dating apps. So I try to win the lottery by searching on social media.

Please someone end my suffering I can’t take this anymore everything hurts.

Moots, I know y’all care, but my need of online friends is satisfied thank you all 💜