part one

10 Feet Tall (ao3) - your_starless_eyes

Summary: Dan feels like sometimes he'd be better off big and alone and feared than small and loved. Phil disagrees.

Blushes and a Cup of Coffee (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: Phil was expecting one of the stereotypical first questions, ‘what’s your favourite colour?’ Or ‘where were you born?” Instead, Dan asked, “Do you like coffee?” and Phil couldn’t help the short bark of laughter that he let out at the strange question.

Or

The two idiots and their first date

Come Clean (ao3) - castrotophic

Summary: Dan thinks Phil might be in love with him, but he's not quite sure how to figure it out.

ever wonder what stars taste like? (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: au where phil runs a successful café in paris and dan is a shy fashion designer. their paths cross, which leads to an unhealthy amount of awkwardness and a lot of weird sentences (mostly from phil)

getting something out of nothing (ao3) - Anonymous

Summary: Unfortunately, the anxiety comes back almost instantly when Dan asks his next question: “When’s the first time you figured out you liked guys?”

Late Night Coffee Runs (Are Best Done With You) (ao3) - your_starless_eyes

Summary: That one really long fic with coffee and shopping cart incidents and fluff.

Say it in Spanish (ao3) - no_dang_idea

Summary: Dan learns Spanish and uses it to tell Phil secrets. Unluckily for him, Phil actually knows Spanish...

sexy corgi butt (ao3) - silentdescant

Summary: ps: does HR read our emails?

Sleepover (ao3) - your_starless_eyes

Summary: Slow kisses can quickly evolve into something a bit more... heated, if you're not careful.

Just remember to beware of your mother (or your boyfriend's mother) unless you want to die of embarrassment.

That Awkward Moment When You're Attracted To Santa Because You're Dan Howell (ao3) - momstiel

Summary: "Ho, Ho, Ho... Sit On Santa's Lap."

When Dan's hired as an Elf in his local mall, he's less than enthusiastic. But when a too-hot-for-Christmas Santa is assigned to work with him, he plans on being his 'Special Little Elf'.

Voicemail (ao3) - danmatian

Summary: After receiving a voicemail from a distressed stranger named Phil about his brother, Dan decides to reply and let him know he'd contacted the wrong person.

What Dan and Phil don't know is that accidental phone call will end up being one of the best things to ever happen to both of them.

you know me too well (ao3) - Anonymous

Links last checked: June 11th, 2025

A Book, An Umbrella, and Two Carmel Macchiatos (ao3) - koleen

Summary: A Coffeeshop AU. Mute!Phil.

a game of chance (ao3) - danhoweiis

Summary: Phil worked at Chance and Counters, a board game cafe in North East London. One definite perk of the last few weeks had been the guy who Phil was now delivering a coffee too. Phil had been smitten from the second he stepped through the door which was something he now wished he hadn’t told his friend and manger Nate, so he could have saved himself being teased every time Cute Dan (as Phil had affectionately called him after overhearing someone say his name) came in

all i want for christmas (is you) (ao3) - lestered (clonetrobed)

Summary: He finds himself huffing out a small, high-pitched laugh that he couldn’t even dream of passing off as part of his natural register. “Hah… yeah. Mhm. Nice. Morn… ing. Yup. Sure is.”

Dan’s smile falls a tiny bit, a hint of confusion flickering behind his eyes. Unfortunately, that’s an expression Phil is all too familiar with receiving.

AU where Dan is Phil's Christmas coworker crush, and awkward boys are awkward.

blanket of stars (ao3) - silentdescant

Summary: “That’s all for now, thank you.”

“I’ll be back to check on you in a bit.”

The whole script is so routine, Phil thinks his brain would short-circuit if either of them deviated from it. Dan walks away and Phil sinks lower in his seat, sighing into his blue drink.

“When are you gonna ask him out, man?” Martyn asks.

Blushes and A Cup of Coffee (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: Phil was expecting one of the stereotypical first questions, ‘what’s your favourite colour?’ Or ‘where were you born?”

Instead, Dan asked, “Do you like coffee?” and Phil couldn’t help the short bark of laughter that he let out at the strange question.

Or

The two idiots and their first date

Birds of a Feather Steal Together (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: Dan never expected anything remotely interesting to happen during his summer job at a petting zoo. But when he catches a boy with bright blue eyes and a cute laugh trying to smuggle a bunch of ducklings out of the farm, things take a much more interesting turn...

blow a kiss, fire a gun (ao3) - The General Phanchild (orphan_account)

Summary: "If I don't improve... he'll absolutely obliterate me. And there's nothing I can do to stop him." Secret Agent “Gold,” or Dan Howell, is less than thrilled when he is forced to team up with new recruit “Amethyst,” Phil Lester. Phil is a former trainee; clumsy and overly apologetic, while Dan’s six years of experience have left him skilled and stealthy, yet completely emotionless. Throughout their mission to bring a mysterious super-villain to justice while travelling the city of Tokyo, Phil tries to come to terms with his illogical fear of Dan, while realising what Dan's true intentions with him are.

could’ve knocked me out with a feather (ao3) - deletable_bird

Summary: “Thank you, love you,” says the guy, and freezes. Dan’s smile suddenly feels a lot more genuine.

Cross My Heart (ao3) - kitchen_sinks

Summary: Armed with nothing but a baseball bat, it’s Dan versus the mysterious stranger who’s broken into his flat, but oh wait he’s kind of hot… Awkward flirting and bandaging of injuries ensue.

Lights, Camera, Satisfaction (ao3) - americanphancakes

Summary: Dan's landed a dream acting role, working with a director he's always admired but is now crushing on badly. And today, he has to shoot a love scene. What could go wrong?

The Director!Phil AU that actually several people asked for.

New Year, New Us (ao3) - BlueFox1319, UnusPhanus

Summary: “Dan hurry we are going to be late, PJ and the others will be here any minute to pick us up! It’s already seven, we need to be at the restaurant by eight!” Phil yelled down the hall at his boyfriend. December 31st, New Year's Eve, every year the pair went out with friends and spent the first night of the new year together. For Dan and Phil, tonight would be a little different though, Phil had been planning this for months

possibly, maybe, i’m falling (ao3) - lestered (clonetrobed)

Summery: It’s just another boring day at Dan’s summer internship. Luckily, there’s an accidental coffee date waiting for him at the customer service desk.

Prestissimo (ao3) - worriedpeach (skeletonflowers)

Summery: When Dan starts to get notes in his locker in the form of terrible pick up lines, he doesn't know who it could be and he doesn't really care. All he cares about is his violin and his studies. He could care less about the nonchalant cellist who never seems to take anything seriously.

Professionally, Yours (ao3) - deletable_bird

Summary: Dan is an overworked, underpaid, very homosexual uni student in need of an easy job. Phil is a successful, rather lonely businessman in need of a housekeeper. This is their story. Fluff/smut, 31.2k, written for the Phandom Big Bang 2016

Three Tattoos (ao3) - greensweater

Summery: When a talkative, blue-eyed boy named Phil Lester walks into Dan Howell's tattoo parlor one dusky autumn afternoon, Dan isn't sure what to make of him. But when Phil keeps coming back, their one-time connection grows into friendship, and eventually, something more.

Two Blushing Pilgrims (ao3) - hxwell

“Ladies, welcome to the Night Castle Host Club,” greeted coolly Malek as a group of twelve women entered. He winked at Callie who was part of the group. The women in her department at the university had decided to have a party at the Host Club that Malek worked nights at. Callie usually skipped out on parties like that, but since Malek had sworn to be one of the three men working that particular party, she decided to go. “I’m Malek,” said the raven-haired man with a strangely cold smile. Callie only ever knew Malek as an awkward introvert. Seeing him work here was totally different.

“I’m Joshua,” greeted a blond man that looking incredibly like you would imagine Prince Charming.

“I’m Corey!” chimed in a cheerful man, who looked somewhat more like a boy. He had to be at least eighteen, it was the only way he could work at this club.

“This way,” ordered Malek as he and his partners led them to private area with three large couches.

“Please, make yourselves comfortable,” insisted Joshua with a bow and a kind smile. The twelve women seated themselves. Callie sat with three other women on one of the couches.

“I hope Malek comes to flirt with us!” whispered Milly to Callie.

“Why?” asked Callie.

“Do you not know how this host club works?” Milly cocked her head.

“Not really no…” She had never bothered to ask Malek about the specifics. She knew that he flirted with women and sometimes other men for tips, but she had no idea how this place worked.

“I had the kitchen make us some delicious sweets!” announced Corey as he sat in the middle of the couch where the older women were. They immediately began to fawn over him.

“Ladies.” Joshua bowed to the women sitting on another couch. “May I join you?” They accepted in squealing voices.

Malek suddenly knelt over Milly. He tilted her head up to meet his gaze. He looked at her with a dangerous expression on his face, unlike anything Callie had ever seen. “You are a beautiful enough gem for me to want to add you to my collection,” he said in soft threatening voice. Milly blushed furiously. The other two girls also on the same couch as Callie and Milly glowered furiously at the girl getting Malek’s attention. Callie was just a bit shocked to see Malek being so forward. He was after all in a committed relationship with another man. She wondered if Jordan knew how Malek did his job.

Malek’s dark gaze suddenly turned to Carol, who was sitting on Milly’s other side. She went from angry to blushing furiously. She glanced away. Malek smirked. “Do I frighten you?” Carol was too flustered to answer. Malek chuckled and rose, backing away from the couch. He walked away from the private area to the dismay and confusion of the girls on that couch.

“Fear not, ladies,” comforted Joshua. “He’s simply gone to retrieve the cakes and other sweets from the kitchen.”

“Yay!” cheered Corey, causing the women around him to fawn over him all over again.

Callie got up and chased after Malek. “Hey Callie,” he greeted as she caught up to him by service window, his smile was normal again. “If you wanted to try your flirting techniques out, you’re sitting on the wrong couch.”

“Forget the flirting techniques I wanted to try, what the hell is up with your fliting technique?!” she demanded.

“Callie, this is a host club. We all take one aspect of our personalities and exaggerate it to create a particular character,” he explained. “Josh isn’t really like that either. He was raised to respect and honour women, but he’s got more personality than that of a ‘Prince Charming’. Corey is silly and playful but he’s far more mature than his character lets on. And before you ask, yes, Jordan is aware of my methods.”

“Okay, it’s still weird though…”

“You are supposed to practice your flirting skills, I would suggest on Josh.”

“How exactly am I supposed to switch couches? Won’t that look weird?” ‘Also I don’t really want to anymore!’ she thought to herself.

“Don’t worry, we planned for this,” Malek smirked. “Go back to the couch, we’ll take care of it.”

Callie went and sat back down on the same couch as before. A few minutes later, Malek returned with a large tray full of cakes and chocolates and cookies and other sweets. Corey cheered and immediately jumped on the tray once Malek had set it down on the small table. Malek turned to Callie and leaned in to whisper in ear. “Look scared, like I said something that actually petrifies you.”

Callie wasn’t very good at acting, but she figured she could manage scared. So she thought of the scariest horror movie her brother ever made her watch. Joshua noted the look and rose to pull Malek off of Callie by the collar of his shirt.

“Problem, Charming?” mocked Malek.

“Must you frighten these lovely ladies?” demanded Joshua.

“My methods are none of your business.” Malek smirked.

“They become my business when you disrespect and frighten our guests.”

“I would like to point out that my methods have a higher success rate than yours.”

“Guys!” interjected Corey. “Don’t fight! Eat cake!” That was the cue for somewhat slow music to start up. Joshua walked past Malek and bowed to Callie.

“Milady, may I have this dance?”

“Uh… sure…” Callie accepted and Joshua pulled her up and started dancing with her.

“What’s your name?” asked Joshua as they danced.

“Callie…” Her dancing skills were suboptimal and as soon as he distracted with her a question, she stepped on his foot. “Sorry!” she apologized quickly.

“It’s okay,” he assured her.

“I’ve got two left feet…”

“You’re doing fine, just relax.”

‘I’m supposed to be flirting but where do I even start?’ she thought to herself.

“You’re very beautiful,” he stated.

“Oh… thanks… so are you.” She suddenly realized what she said. “Wait no! I mean…” ‘This is going well…’

“It’s okay, I know what you meant,” assured the blond.

“You know, you really do look like Prince Charming.”

Joshua chuckled. “Well, thank you Lady Callie. It’s truly humbling to be complimented by a beauty such as yourself.”

‘Damn he’s good! Granted he does this professionally… Man why can’t I think of any of the pickup lines I wanted to try?!’ Callie was beginning to get frustrated with herself which was only worsening her ability to recall the flirting tactics and lines she wanted to try.

“What’s troubling, milady?”

“Uh, nothing.” Callie forced herself to smile. “Where did you learn to dance? Prince Academy?”

Joshua laughed again. “Princes don’t attend academies. We learn from our families.” The music stopped. Joshua backed away and kissed the back of Callie’s hand. “It’s been a pleasure.”

“Y-yeah…” stammered Callie. She glanced over at the couch she had been sitting on before and noticed that her spot had been filled by one of the girls that had started out with Joshua. She went and sat on the couch that Joshua had been giving his attention to.

“Forgive us ladies, but we must momentarily be off to fetch everyone their drinks. In the meantime feel free to dance with Corey,” explained Joshua once they had everyone’s drink orders. He and Malek left the private area.

“So what do you think of her?” asked Malek as they leaned against the bar waiting for the bartender to mix all of the drinks.

“She’s cute but she doesn’t have any game,” admitted Joshua.

“I did warn you. You respond best to failed flirting attempts.” Malek shrugged.

“That why you wanted me on this party with you?” He raised an eyebrow at Malek.

“Obviously. She’s expressed a desire to try flirting a few times, so when she told me about this party I figured you’d be an ideal target.”

“Careful, Scary Malek is leaking through to Normal Malek.”

“Scary Malek is part of Normal Malek. Anyway, their party is scheduled to end in an hour. I’ll see if I can get Callie to hang around longer. If you can give her a couple of pointers, I might be able to get her to try it on some of the other hosts.”

“Yeah. At least there are no repercussions to flirting with a host.” They loaded the drinks onto two trays and brought them to the ladies.

The last hour of the party was spent mostly dancing. Each woman dance at least once with one of the men and most had at least two dances. As the women started to leave, Malek pulled Callie aside. “I’m breaking character twice with a client, so don’t tell anyone. You should stick around, I’ve talked Josh into giving you a couple of pointers on flirting.”

Callie blushed. “Oh man, was I that bad?”

“Well… it wasn’t good. Josh has been doing this a long time, trust me, he can tailor a flirting strategy to you and you can try it out on a couple of the hosts here. It’s pretty much the safest way.” Malek pulled Callie towards the bar where Joshua was waiting.

“You’re going to make me stay aren’t you?” she realized bitterly.

“Chill, your drinks are on me.”

“Oh, okay then.” She brightened and sat at the bar next to Joshua and Malek left to go handle some new clients. Callie ordered a chocolate martini from the bartender before turning to address Joshua. “So… Malek says you can help my flirting game.”

He smirked. He was breaking character as well. “I tailor make all of new hosts’ flirting strategies,” he admitted.

“Well good luck with me. I’m too awkward to flirt properly.” She shrugged.

“Then your flirting strategy should play into that.” Joshua turned so that he was facing the main club part where the hosts were dancing or flirting with the walk-ins. “Now, normally I’d steer clear of any obvious pickup lines, but with you we should play it up. Some sort of obvious, but cleverly worded pickup line.”

“Really? I thought that would be bad idea…” Callie paused to think about it and take a sip of her drink.

“Well?” Joshua raised an eyebrow at her.

“All the ones I can think of are terrible,” she admitted.

“Then that’s perfect.”

“Great… and after I drop a horrible pickup line?”

“Then comes the trickier part. With the hosts it’ll follow a classic pattern depending on their character, but they’ll likely compliment you. As long as you don’t target Malek or anyone else portraying a dark type. You’ll have to return the compliment with somewhat more grace than you did with me. After that, go with self-deprecating humour, puns, things that suit your personality. It’ll make it more natural to flirt and you’ll find out quickly if the person you’re flirting with is someone you actually want to spend time with or not.”

“How’s this for an opening line: ‘I wish our mouths could face off in the tongue Olympics’?”

Joshua laughed, nearly choking on his drink. “Yeah that’ll work with the hosts and any guy you already know. Don’t say something like that to an actual stranger, or they may take as consent to kiss you there and then. Okay see him?” Joshua gestured to a strongly built brunette man saying goodbye to some clients at the door.

“Yeah…”

“Go try flirting with him.” He sort of shoved Callie in the direction of the host. She cursed him and Malek under her breath but approached the host nonetheless.

“Hey, I wish our mouths could face off in the tongue Olympics,” she said, blushing furiously.

The host laughed. “Well aren’t you cute.”

“You’re not so bad yourself.” Callie was shocked when that came out so naturally.

“I’m Caleb.” The host stuck out his hand. Callie shook it.

“Callie.”

“I’d offer you a dance, but uh… I kind of have two left feet,” he admitted.

“No worries, I can’t dance to save my life.”

“Do you want to sit?” He started to lead her to a booth and they sat facing each other.

At the bar Malek rejoined Joshua. “You set her on Caleb? You realize he might actually fall for her?”

Joshua shrugged. “Yeah, I know he’s new at this, but he fits her flirting strategy best and he’ll actually understand the puns she makes.”

“…so I looked round and the plumber’s pants were nearly at his knees!” concluded Caleb, finishing a story of an incompetent plumber doing work at his family’s farm.

“Guess you could say he something of an ass,” joked Callie. Caleb laughed heartily.

“Maybe even a bit cheeky,” he added.

“Do you think we’re maybe making too many assumptions?”

“Maybe, but it certainly is fun to take a crack at it!” They both laughed as their puns got increasingly terrible.

It was closing time when Caleb and Callie finally said goodnight. Callie headed back to her apartment building. It was three o’clock in the morning but she could hear chatting coming from Jordan and Malek’s apartment. ‘Malek shouldn’t be home yet…’ she thought to herself as she made her way to their apartment. She walked in to see Sean there. She was surprised as it was rare for Sean to stay up this late.

“Hey Callie, how was the party?” greeted Jordan.

“It was great,” she admitted.

“Did Malek manage to get you to flirt with any of the hosts?” teased Sean.

“A bit yeah. Although the last guy I talked to, Caleb, seemed less like flirting and more like punning.” She shrugged and plunked into the bean bag chair. Callie recounted to them the events of the night including her surprise at Malek’s flirting technique and that Joshua was the one that formed her flirting strategy.

As she finished up telling them about all of the butt puns she had made, Malek walked in. He poured himself a scotch and sat between Sean and Jordan.

“How was work?” asked Sean.

“Interesting. Caleb has taken quite a shining to you, Callie,” admitted Malek with a sly smirk.

“Well, I am pretty great,” laughed Callie. “We literally made butt puns for like an hour.”

“What do you think of him?” prodded Malek.

“Hmm… well he gets my puns and finds me funny, but he’s a farm boy and a bit of a jock…”

“But he gets your jokes. Not many people outside this circle do.”

“True… well I did give him my number in case he wanted to hang out outside of work…”

“You gave him your number?!” exclaimed Sean.

“Was that bad? He asked for it…”

“Yes!” continued Sean.

“No,” said Malek and Jordan in unison.

“Caleb is a nice guy, worst case, they end up friends,” noted Malek.

“He is nice, but he did tell me that I suck at flirting,” admitted Callie. The others laughed.

I had a really awesome day with you today, totally keen to hit the slopes again. At the same time, I also couldn’t help but notice that I think you’re really amazing, super cute, and I really enjoy spending time with you. 

 Just wanting to figure out if I should let myself like you any more or if you’re not interested in me in that way, I can stop my mind from heading down that pathway, I don’t want to ruin a possible friendship if it’s a one sided thing 

As either as a friend or more, you’re definitely someone I want to spend more time with. RESULT: DECLINED