#avfh

I’m taking all of this in because, I want to become the best version of myself. Not only that, one day I’ll have a family, and I want them to know as much as possible when it comes to communication. My nature is feminine. However my presentation is masculine. I play a masculine role in my relationship. Mindfulness is my best friend. As a stud I have to be mindful, of the woman I’m pursuing. When communicating with her I have to feel and understand the emotions behind it. But I also have to keep the logic together and see the bigger picture. In the past I haven’t been pretty mindful. My life was a loop, making sure I don’t get fucked over or betrayed by anyone. In result, it made me paranoid, bitter, and judgemental, and very controversial. This behavior was a result of my trauma. Now, I’m starting to be more mindful. Meditation has been helping me a lot. My life map is also keeping my head in the right place. Evolving feels really good.

Kumam ❤️

So..this morning started off pretty good. No complaints. Only thing on my mind right now is progression. Since the beginning of the year I’ve been pretty consistent with dropping merch. I haven’t been consistent as far as marketing, but I now have a budget and an outlet for all of that. So I’m ready to implement those strategies. However it is time for me to go harder as far as my little empire. A full analysis is due. It’s time to write down new end of the year goals. One of my goals is to start the credit repair process. I’m probably going to handle this on my own, because I honestly don’t trust anyone else to help me fix my credit. Right now, I’m in the fitting room at work sorting through clothes, and all I can think about is this Dame Dash interview I was just listening to. His energy is contagious, and I love it. I might not agree with everything he says, but as a business man I respect his hustle and his intellect.....more thoughts at lunch.

Thank God that we’ve made it to 2017. Thank God for giving us another year, another chance to live for Him. Thank God that he’s been the same God since creation and that He will never change. He is the God of His word and will continue to be forever. I pray that anything wrong we’ve done in the past year, we leave in that year. Forgive us, and help us to see the error of our wrongs. Any pain we experienced is turned into joy this year. I pray our mourning turns into dancing and our songs of sorrow become songs of praise. I pray that we come into this year with a new perspective. Believing that with God, we can do all things and will do all things. I pray we’re unafraid to dream big, impossible dreams because we serve a God who does the impossible. That, without doubt, we expect great things this year because we work under an amazing God. I pray we accept every single challenge that he gives to us, wholeheartedly because He has an end result so great for us that we cannot even begin to imagine. This year, he will use us in unexpected ways because he that how he operates. I pray that the joy that we began this year with never ceases and we remember the feeling so we may never lose sight of it. That we realize we should not worry because the same God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, is the same God that lives in us, today. That he will never leave us nor forsake us, especially in times of trouble. I pray we internalize the love that he has for us, so we may pour that same love onto others. That we realize we are made in His image and when we were created he approved of us, and his approval is the only one that matters. May God grant us the desires of our hearts. May he continue to order our steps. And may we become closer to him, than ever before, and live lives that are pleasing unto him.

Change, change, change and more change. That’s the name of the game. Keep growing, keep getting better. I’m currently on my way to work. The sun is out a little but it looks like it might rain. I’m cool either way. Right now my mind is scattered. I’ve been through so much emotionally these past few days. I also made some mistakes, that I’m taking accountability for. My photo shoot went amazing. I’m grateful for everyone that was involved. Now I’m on my next journey, and it’s a very personal one. I think I’m my last entry I talked about living life backwards. And I think I’m on to something. Right now my goal is to get as healthy as I can. I’m meditating more, I’m eating better, and now I’m on the search for my actual calling. I created a life map. This map allows me to understand who I am, and what works best for me. I gotta admit, I think I’m on the brink of something. Understand, you can’t map out your life, that’s not what I’m doing. I’m just gathering all the information about me, positive and negative to clear a path to live a better life. Since I started this life map, my confidence has increased. I still have more work to do on it, but I’m very excited to see how it all comes together.

You know what I’m realizing? We’re all living under some standards or should I say we all live and uphold each other to personas or expectations that don’t even exist. See, the real truth is we’ve been told another lie, and that lie is happiness. I’m not saying people shouldn’t be happy. But what I am saying is, happiness doesn’t rely on focusing on happiness, if that makes any sense at all. We were told that if you focus on happiness, focus on the positive things and life will be much better. To a certain degree I believe and experienced that. However that doesn’t bring happiness, and ultimately that’s not what people want. What people ultimately want today is truth. The trust issues are terrible EVERYWHERE! So, we seek happiness hoping the truth is revealed to us. I think the real focus should be on truth, actually. People want truth. But! Only happy truths. See the game nowadays is to get rid of all your negative truths. Or go seek help with the truths you’re uncomfortable with. And the truths we’re uncomfortable with, we call that negativity. So my thing is, we all want honesty, but at times we’re not truly honest with ourselves. We hide, banish, or try to manage certain parts of ourselves only to be blindsided by the very thing we always try to bury. We indulge in all types of self care activity and rituals. We do whatever we need to do just to get through, emotionally, mentally, and physically. And yet, a lot of us still suffer. Some will admit this, others won’t. My question is and it’s always been, What the fuck are we doing here?? We carry along every day yearning for unlimited desires and fantasies. The desires that make sense to society, we go after and manifest them into reality and we expect others to do the same. There’s a lot of suffering going on, but expectation is at an all time high. We put on these I’m successful, I’m happy, focusing on me, I’m taking care of me and mine etc, and get we all still suffer. It might hit some harder than others. It might even hit people more than others, but we all suffer. Right? Because everyone has a story. And everyone’s been through some shit. What is it that we want? Where do we get it from? Who do we get it from? What the fuck is the purpose here? Money, yeah but no there’s more. Wealth? Yeah. But there’s more. Marriage, Children, career travel, leisure. Absolutely, but there’s more! All these things bring temporary happiness, there’s suffering in all these things. Now don’t get me wrong I’m very aware of duality. Every last one of these things provide a level of growth that allows us to contribute to our happiness. But at some point so many people are going to counseling for these exact things. There’s suffering in all of it. Our reason, love, self preservation etc. I think we need to flip the script. Fuck the happiness fantasy. Yes, throughout life we’re going to be quite happy, but that’s in waves too! The focus should be on truth, and suffering. Understanding, and acknowledging truth whether that brings us happiness or not. Getting comfortable with truth that make us uncomfortable. And learning how to manage and cope with suffering.....I’ll come back to this. I like where it’s going but I gotta sit and think on this some more.

Mentally and emotionally I’m getting better. Last time I caught up with you guys, I wasn’t feeling my best. But you guys know me, I do the necessary work. Mentally and emotionally I’m becoming stronger. I’m getting more conscious of what I put in my body, things are definitely changing around me. I can’t complain. I hope all is well with you guys. I hope you’re doing the necessary work as well. Don’t let mental and emotional health consume you. Remember, life is all about adaptation. The moment you stop adapting is the moment you begin to die. Live in this moment. Let go of the past, make the necessary choices in the present so you can set yourself up well for the future.

I’m coming from a business dinner in Vegas. The nights still young, but I’m beat and might want to turn in early. I walked into the doors of the Venetian Hotel heading to the elevator. As the elevator doors opened, there was a man standing inside the elevator. He warned me that the elevator was going up. I told him perfect, so am I. I got on the elevator and started to loosen my tie. “Long night, huh?” The old man said. “Long day.” I replied. “You’re not turning in now are ya?” He asked. “Yeah, I think I’m gonna call it a night.” I said. The old man turned to me and took his shades off. Thank God, why the hell is wearing shades anyway. “Are you here for leisure or business.” The old man asked. “I’m here for business, but I plan on getting out a little more tomorrow.” I said. At this point I already missed my floor just by talking to him. “Why wait until tomorrow, when you can have the best time tonight.” He replied. The elevator went all the way to the top floor. I could’ve went back down to my floor but something told me that my night was about to get better. I followed the old man to a pent house suite. When he opened the door, it was like I walked into a movie. A bunch of old guys drinking and smoking, playing poker, placing heavy bets. “You play cards son?” The old man asked. “I’m not a professional, but I dabble a little.” I said. There was a couple young guys standing in the corners of the room. These guys look maybe about 22, 23. They found me a chair and set me up at the poker table immediately. “Don’t worry about chips, play on my tab tonight” Said the old man. Still confused, I looked around the room taking everything in. Where am I, who am I with, and most of alll who is this old man?! “So you were telling me you’re a business man.” The old man asked. I proceeded to tell him about what I do. As I we talked whisky was being poured. As I took my first swig, I almost choked because the most beautiful thing walked in the room. We made eye contact immediately. She was stunning. Bedroom eyes, full lips, with a silhouette to die for. Very alluring, but she came in and sat right on the old mans lap. How cute, she’s keeping him company. The only thing on my mind now is, how can I get her away from the old man, and into my suite....