AV The Fox

I’m taking all of this in because, I want to become the best version of myself. Not only that, one day I’ll have a family, and I want them to know as much as possible when it comes to communication. My nature is feminine. However my presentation is masculine. I play a masculine role in my relationship. Mindfulness is my best friend. As a stud I have to be mindful, of the woman I’m pursuing. When communicating with her I have to feel and understand the emotions behind it. But I also have to keep the logic together and see the bigger picture. In the past I haven’t been pretty mindful. My life was a loop, making sure I don’t get fucked over or betrayed by anyone. In result, it made me paranoid, bitter, and judgemental, and very controversial. This behavior was a result of my trauma. Now, I’m starting to be more mindful. Meditation has been helping me a lot. My life map is also keeping my head in the right place. Evolving feels really good.

Change, change, change and more change. That’s the name of the game. Keep growing, keep getting better. I’m currently on my way to work. The sun is out a little but it looks like it might rain. I’m cool either way. Right now my mind is scattered. I’ve been through so much emotionally these past few days. I also made some mistakes, that I’m taking accountability for. My photo shoot went amazing. I’m grateful for everyone that was involved. Now I’m on my next journey, and it’s a very personal one. I think I’m my last entry I talked about living life backwards. And I think I’m on to something. Right now my goal is to get as healthy as I can. I’m meditating more, I’m eating better, and now I’m on the search for my actual calling. I created a life map. This map allows me to understand who I am, and what works best for me. I gotta admit, I think I’m on the brink of something. Understand, you can’t map out your life, that’s not what I’m doing. I’m just gathering all the information about me, positive and negative to clear a path to live a better life. Since I started this life map, my confidence has increased. I still have more work to do on it, but I’m very excited to see how it all comes together.

You know what I’m realizing? We’re all living under some standards or should I say we all live and uphold each other to personas or expectations that don’t even exist. See, the real truth is we’ve been told another lie, and that lie is happiness. I’m not saying people shouldn’t be happy. But what I am saying is, happiness doesn’t rely on focusing on happiness, if that makes any sense at all. We were told that if you focus on happiness, focus on the positive things and life will be much better. To a certain degree I believe and experienced that. However that doesn’t bring happiness, and ultimately that’s not what people want. What people ultimately want today is truth. The trust issues are terrible EVERYWHERE! So, we seek happiness hoping the truth is revealed to us. I think the real focus should be on truth, actually. People want truth. But! Only happy truths. See the game nowadays is to get rid of all your negative truths. Or go seek help with the truths you’re uncomfortable with. And the truths we’re uncomfortable with, we call that negativity. So my thing is, we all want honesty, but at times we’re not truly honest with ourselves. We hide, banish, or try to manage certain parts of ourselves only to be blindsided by the very thing we always try to bury. We indulge in all types of self care activity and rituals. We do whatever we need to do just to get through, emotionally, mentally, and physically. And yet, a lot of us still suffer. Some will admit this, others won’t. My question is and it’s always been, What the fuck are we doing here?? We carry along every day yearning for unlimited desires and fantasies. The desires that make sense to society, we go after and manifest them into reality and we expect others to do the same. There’s a lot of suffering going on, but expectation is at an all time high. We put on these I’m successful, I’m happy, focusing on me, I’m taking care of me and mine etc, and get we all still suffer. It might hit some harder than others. It might even hit people more than others, but we all suffer. Right? Because everyone has a story. And everyone’s been through some shit. What is it that we want? Where do we get it from? Who do we get it from? What the fuck is the purpose here? Money, yeah but no there’s more. Wealth? Yeah. But there’s more. Marriage, Children, career travel, leisure. Absolutely, but there’s more! All these things bring temporary happiness, there’s suffering in all these things. Now don’t get me wrong I’m very aware of duality. Every last one of these things provide a level of growth that allows us to contribute to our happiness. But at some point so many people are going to counseling for these exact things. There’s suffering in all of it. Our reason, love, self preservation etc. I think we need to flip the script. Fuck the happiness fantasy. Yes, throughout life we’re going to be quite happy, but that’s in waves too! The focus should be on truth, and suffering. Understanding, and acknowledging truth whether that brings us happiness or not. Getting comfortable with truth that make us uncomfortable. And learning how to manage and cope with suffering.....I’ll come back to this. I like where it’s going but I gotta sit and think on this some more.

Mentally and emotionally I’m getting better. Last time I caught up with you guys, I wasn’t feeling my best. But you guys know me, I do the necessary work. Mentally and emotionally I’m becoming stronger. I’m getting more conscious of what I put in my body, things are definitely changing around me. I can’t complain. I hope all is well with you guys. I hope you’re doing the necessary work as well. Don’t let mental and emotional health consume you. Remember, life is all about adaptation. The moment you stop adapting is the moment you begin to die. Live in this moment. Let go of the past, make the necessary choices in the present so you can set yourself up well for the future.

I’m coming from a business dinner in Vegas. The nights still young, but I’m beat and might want to turn in early. I walked into the doors of the Venetian Hotel heading to the elevator. As the elevator doors opened, there was a man standing inside the elevator. He warned me that the elevator was going up. I told him perfect, so am I. I got on the elevator and started to loosen my tie. “Long night, huh?” The old man said. “Long day.” I replied. “You’re not turning in now are ya?” He asked. “Yeah, I think I’m gonna call it a night.” I said. The old man turned to me and took his shades off. Thank God, why the hell is wearing shades anyway. “Are you here for leisure or business.” The old man asked. “I’m here for business, but I plan on getting out a little more tomorrow.” I said. At this point I already missed my floor just by talking to him. “Why wait until tomorrow, when you can have the best time tonight.” He replied. The elevator went all the way to the top floor. I could’ve went back down to my floor but something told me that my night was about to get better. I followed the old man to a pent house suite. When he opened the door, it was like I walked into a movie. A bunch of old guys drinking and smoking, playing poker, placing heavy bets. “You play cards son?” The old man asked. “I’m not a professional, but I dabble a little.” I said. There was a couple young guys standing in the corners of the room. These guys look maybe about 22, 23. They found me a chair and set me up at the poker table immediately. “Don’t worry about chips, play on my tab tonight” Said the old man. Still confused, I looked around the room taking everything in. Where am I, who am I with, and most of alll who is this old man?! “So you were telling me you’re a business man.” The old man asked. I proceeded to tell him about what I do. As I we talked whisky was being poured. As I took my first swig, I almost choked because the most beautiful thing walked in the room. We made eye contact immediately. She was stunning. Bedroom eyes, full lips, with a silhouette to die for. Very alluring, but she came in and sat right on the old mans lap. How cute, she’s keeping him company. The only thing on my mind now is, how can I get her away from the old man, and into my suite....

I just wanna know...at this point in 2020, are relationships necessary?? Is marriage sort of outdated?? I mean, I don’t have the answers but I’m just thinking right now. Don’t get me wrong, I see a lot of people in love with the one they’re with. I see people starting families, and I see people settling down. But all people post is the good things. Shit that all people want social media to be about, all positive things. But people never post what they’re going through in their relationships. No one wants anyone in their business. On top of that, everyone nowadays is a non emotional rock, literally. No one wants to get cheated on. But then again, no one wants to settle. Everybody’s a star, everybody’s and expert. Nobody’s sensitive, nobody catch feelings, they catch flights. So with all of this why do we even bother with one another?? Divorce rates are through the fucking roof. No one can trust anyone, so what is the point?? It seems like everyone wants the same type of person, and that shit is weak to me. Right now relationships in general are weak to me. You basically suffer for the person you love or at least someone suffers in the relationship some type of way. I think as humans we’ve evolved past this type of lifestyle. Relations, seems to be more of the speed of today. I don’t know, I could be wrong. But I wonder how the single people doing. I haven’t been single in a while, damn near a decade. But I still wonder. Single people do for themselves. They aren’t obligated to anyone, they don’t have to worry about their actions or even their thoughts affecting someone else. They go where they want, they eat where they want, they fuck who they want. They don’t have to worry about anyone leaving them or choosing other people over them. They don’t have to worry about people cheating on them. They go out when they want to, they come home when they want to. They don’t have to check in with anyone, unless they want to. I don’t know, single people help me out. I mean I know when the lonely hour hits it can be a bitch, but would you have it any other way?? I know everything has its pros and cons, but I still wonder is single life better than relationship life??

I’ve been seeing a lot of synchronicities today. Repeating numbers especially. 111, 333, 444, etc. Usually people say when you keep seeing these numbers that you’re on the right path and that the universe is with you. Well, maybe. I just want to take note of this and acknowledge it for what it is. At this time I want to simply give gratitude for everything in my life right now. I can feel the universe within me, and it feels good.

What’s up loved ones. Hope all is well with you guys. I hope everyone is still practicing social distancing. I know it’s been a few days, so I wanted to tap in with you guys and chat a little. I have some time off from work, so I’m working on a number of things. I’m also working on a few things for AVFH, so most of my time has been occupied with that. Outside of my creative pursuits, I’ve been reading something new. “The Art of Seduction” by Robert Greene. All I can say, is that this book has my full attention! The way Rob breaks down seduction, and the history of it is amazing. I’m constantly connecting the dots. It’s helping me grow into a better person, a more aware person. If you’re just getting into your 30s this book is definitely a good book to read. It’s a refreshing outlook, especially with all the crazy shit going on with race. It feels good to pick up a book or listen to an audiobook outside all the madness. Race and politics are constantly on the forefront right now, and to some extent it definitely needs to be. However, I’ve been dealing with racism all my life, and I honestly don’t think it’s going anywhere anytime soon. So with that being said, it’s time for me PERSONALLY, to move on from this topic. It’s time for me to stop worrying about the future of my family and worry about my own future. It’s time for my to step further into my own. It’s also time for me to just let everything and everyone go. I simply choose to live for me. I choose to live a life of pleasure, or simply a life to please. That’s it. Everything else is too much of a struggle and it’s all around confusing. Try living a lifestyle of pleasure, and see how that works for you, hell thats all that’s left anyway. Please yourself.

Dear God, if you’re real, why don’t you just reveal yourself to me. The whole mystery, the what if, the..just believe, or you’ll never know is getting exhausting. Understand me, I feel something deeper in my gut. I’d like to say it’s your spirit, but is it? All I’m saying is, it’s hard and it takes major discipline to keep the faith in you. I guess I should just be thankful that I can write this. But, I’m writing this with a weary soul. They say I should lean on you when I feel this way..but right now..it’s just me. Help?

I really don’t have any plans tonight. Gonna stay in, and watch some movies, smoke some weed, and sip this Perrier. Y’all stay up..

Right now, I’m partaking in one of my favorite parts of the day.. lunch! I’m at my favorite spot in Santa Monica. I don’t what’s going on, but I can’t get enough of pasta right now. I’m in my pasta bag.

Today I did a lot of reflecting on my past. Here me out, I’m not stuck there. However, today I found myself reflecting on all the people that I’ve encountered in life. I thought about all the people that showed me love, and I also thought about all the people that mishandled me, and vice versa. I reflected on all of this because I’m moving on. If I’m stuck in my past, it will affect my present, which will also affect my future. So I honestly can afford to keep living my past because my present and future is so bright! With all that being said, I want to forgive all those that may have mishandled me. No matter what it was, you taught me lessons that was necessary for my growth. Instead of saying fuck you, I say thank you. I also want to apologize to anyone that I may have mishandled. If we’re still cool, I’ll do everything in my power to make things right. However, if bridges are already burned, I understand and respect it, there’s no love lost. I honestly wish everyone nothing but success and happiness, whatever that means to you. But it’s time for me to move on and continue to step in my greatness. I know life still has many lessons to teach me, and I’m ready for whatever it brings.

It’s Thursday good folks!! We’re fasting today. Water all day today. If you have herbal teas, go ahead and drink that too, but nothing else. Whenever I fast, I fast for health and spiritual purposes. It feels really good to give the body a rest from consuming so much food. We all know water flushes the system. However it also allows more oxygen to get to the organs. I can see the difference in my skin, I can feel it in my energy. It’s just a good way to reset the body. I challenge everyone to join me. It’s definitely not easy, but it’s a process. I can tell how my body is so conditioned to just consuming none stop. When I don’t consume some of the foods my body flips the fuck out. The cravings get stronger, almost like a drug addict. But discipline is everything. Right now I’m on the E-Line to Santa Monica, and it’s taking everything in me from stopping to Starbucks. But I have to stay focused. If you’re doing the fast with me, I appreciate you. Keep pushing, we’re in this together. Take it one step at a time. Breathe deep. Today will be over soon.

I mentioned Dame Dash earlier. I’m listening to his Drink Champ episode. He’s really growing on me. A lot of old heads are growing on me in some type of way. Why? I have no idea. But as an entrepreneur, I can’t help but to look up to these guys because that’s who I saw when I was coming up. Dame’s energy is definitely what I strive to be at the moment. Passionate, ambitious, hungry, savage. He’s so passionate about his business, and his lifestyle. I’m the same way, my empire is all I care about, and I’ll die building this shit if I have to. Much love to the OG Dame Dash. Thanks for your contribution to the culture. Thank you for your ideas, your motivation, and most of all your hustle. It’s one of a kind brotha, and it can never be replaced.

So..this morning started off pretty good. No complaints. Only thing on my mind right now is progression. Since the beginning of the year I’ve been pretty consistent with dropping merch. I haven’t been consistent as far as marketing, but I now have a budget and an outlet for all of that. So I’m ready to implement those strategies. However it is time for me to go harder as far as my little empire. A full analysis is due. It’s time to write down new end of the year goals. One of my goals is to start the credit repair process. I’m probably going to handle this on my own, because I honestly don’t trust anyone else to help me fix my credit. Right now, I’m in the fitting room at work sorting through clothes, and all I can think about is this Dame Dash interview I was just listening to. His energy is contagious, and I love it. I might not agree with everything he says, but as a business man I respect his hustle and his intellect.....more thoughts at lunch.

Yesterday I told you guys that it was time for me to stop smoking cannabis and start consuming through tinctures. Well last night was my last joint. Today after work, I’m looking to buy my first tincture. I’m kind of excited. This is a new journey for me cannabis wise. But I think I’m making the best decision for my health.