March 11th 2011. I’ll never forget that day…. That morning I took an overdose of pain killers hoping to shut down my liver and tied a belt around my neck. I was in a depression caused by being bullied, by being abused, from the PTSD from the abused and anxiety. My sister found me and I remember my mom talking me to the center for a mental health evaluation. How do you treat something you can’t tell anyone about. It was not til 9 months later that the secret of my abuser came out to the public. I blamed it on school, stress, and bullying. And from there I was admitted to KVC Wheatland hospital for 10 days. I was 17…I remember my mom driving me up there. They weren’t allowed to stay long. They did paperwork then I was taken behind a locked door and admitted. They asked me tons of questions including have you ever been sexually abused in any way, “no” I lied. I was searched and stripped out of my clothes and put into there’s. By this time it was almost 7. The first I met was a girl named Celeste, a girl dealing with the same anxiety issues and an eating disorder. Then Megan. Depression and an eating disorder. The next day Katii Her Celeste and I were roommates. Everyday was the same, wake up, make your bed, breakfast, clean up, groups, medications more groups. One on one therapy. They searched your room and notebooks everyday. You got graded on a level system to move up and down. You showered once a day. You went to the country store once a week for shampoo and cards and what not. You got a phone call for 10 minute once a day. Visits on the weekends. It was sort of like prison. About 4 days into treatment late into the night another girl was admitted for a suicide attempt by pills. Her name was Autumn. I remember she was quiet, didn’t say much until I asked her to play garbage with us. Hell I don’t even remember how to play it. Her and I became roommates and lifelong friends. I am still friends with all those girls. But I have always had a special bond with Autumn. After we were discharged I’ll never forget what her father told me… “You saved her, I can never thank you enough”. Autumn told me she felt hopeless and didn’t wanna live anymore but then someone wanted to be her friend… Me. I remember my discharge day. 3.21.2011. My mom came and got me. She told me I had hope when the wind hit my face and the sun touched my skin, she knew I would get better. I recovered some but not all. I still battle everyday. I know for Autumn and I our daughters had helped. For Katii her son. For Celeste, she writes and blogs her story. Does makeup for therapy. Megan had a good support system with us. Her eating disorder got better. She gained her weight back, met the love of her life. We all came a long way. I am still battling the feeling of self harm and shutting my brain off because of anxiety. Its not easy. I don’t think it will ever go away, but I no longer rely on pills. I still get triggered but I am now able to speak out and say I need help. Having a mental health illness isn’t easy. Its an invisible scar. Not understood by many… If you don’t know why or don’t understand, please don’t judge. We all have scars, keep marching on.
