Day in the life of a busy mommy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sxP4Xgu3QJU https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BQZOFUX2-Q https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgVBelGJD_U https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFaBmcCz_HU

When I was 3 years old, I died 4 times on the operating table. My mom always told me I was saved for a reason… here is my reason. RAPE is a scary word, when you are scared and you don’t know what is happening to you, you just stay there. People think that it’s the people you don’t know that you should be worried about, it’s the people you do know, it is not the boogeyman. My offender was my step father, decorated Kansas Highway Patrol Officer Domingo Cardenas. You don’t want to fall into a category, you don’t want the victim and I never wanted to admit it happened to me. I just spent the last 4 and half years trapped in a box and I got tired of being quiet for so long, I was told over and over that I couldn’t and shouldn’t talk about it because it could cause problems for our case… so here is the truth. The first time I remember anything happening, I was 14. I had just gotten out of the shower and I was wrapped up in a towel. Non developed Brooke, young little Brooke. God, just writing it makes me sick. He called me over into the living room and had me straddle his lap and attempted to insert his penis inside me. I remember just freezing but my soul left my body. I was too young to understand fully what was happening and I didn’t know what to do. I just hugged around him and pretending to fall asleep. Seems like that became the trend there after. After he was finished, he carried me to my room and laid me in my bed and left me to sleep for the night…. …. I’ll never understand how he was never caught in the act by anyone. One morning he had come into my bedroom, removed his boxers and rolled me on top of him. Began to try and have sex with me again when my mom entered. The blanket was covering us and she was asking him come make breakfast, he told he was having and talk with me and he would be up in a minute. That was first time he told me not to tell anyone. & I figured that since he was almost caught, maybe it would stop…. I was wrong. The pregnancy scare 2008 is the year we moved to Bison. Took me all year to make friends, I made one and stayed the night on New Year’s Eve night. We were all sitting upstairs having a heart-to-heart and she had told my sister and I about her dad. That is when Bailey had told me that Domingo had been touching her. I remember friend saying well you need to tell your mom if that’s true. By this time I was old enough to understand what it was going to do to our family. I remember thinking to myself this can’t be happening to Bailey too because all of his attention is on me, maybe she just saw something. We’re going home the next day and trying all day to tell my mom but I couldn’t do it. Everytime I open my mouth to say Mom oh, no words came out… About a month or two went by and he had finally successfully taken my virginity. Started running track during this time, it was March and I missed my period. And I just remember waiting and waiting for it to come. By the time I was 2 weeks late, I was trying to figure out how to get a test. I didn’t have a car. David… David worked at the grocery store, he could get me one. I don’t think IK ever ended up asking him about it. Late May rolled around and my period came back. I remember those month so well… at 15 years old, I was thinking about the options. How could I get an abortion and where and without my family finding out. Especially my mom… I knew how angry she would have been. I never told Domingo about the scare. But I remember that he did take his niece to Nebraska for an abortion later on down the road. I guess he was full of the answers. I would go to live with my dad in the summer, and when I would come back, it would stop…. but only for awhile. When it would start up again, he would tell me how much he missed… he called it “playing”. “Brooke, I’m just playing”. By the time my junior year rolled around, I was getting into a lot of trouble. Getting bullied in school, struggling to keep good grades and function like a “normal” teenager. In February Tanner passed away. I was close to the kids in that class because Emma was my little. I also had been talking to a boy that I really liked. I got grounded and wasn’t allowed to go the Snowball dance. My parents went out that night and he snuck over and we had sex. That was actual first consensual time where I agreed. When I told my parents that I had lost my virginity, I remember Domingo just becoming quiet and angry with me. He would say things like "that was our bond and you were only supposed to do that with me. He told me that he wanted to show me how to do things. He would always say off things to me like "if I ever leave your mom, would you come and live with me and marry me. I still can't wrap my head around it... I had a secret phone that I got and told Domingo about…. He used it against me and this for that. Threatened to take it or keep me grounded longer. He away said… “Well what are you going to do for me”? He was referring to oral sex. “Just kiss it”. It evolved into more. I had been up texting one night, all night. The next morning I asked to be taken to school later. I hid the phone under my pillow and went to take a shower… when I came back it was gone. When I asked Domingo if he had taken it, he lied and made me feel like I was crazy. I later found out that my mother and Domingo went through it. They found about the guy I was dating in Great Bend and then kept the phone. KVC I wrote about this in a blog before. When it all became too much… I attempted suicide. I didn’t want to be here anymore. I was old enough by this time to understand this wasn’t okay. But I felt like I did something wrong. I felt dirty and not enough… why me. March 11th 2011. I’ll never forget that day…. That morning I took an overdose of pain killers hoping to shut down my liver and tied a belt around my neck. I was in a depression caused by being bullied, by being abused, from the PTSD from the abused and anxiety. My sister found me and I remember my mom talking me to the center for a mental health evaluation. How do you treat something you can’t tell anyone about? It was not till 9 months later that the secret of my abuser came out to the public. I blamed it on school, stress, and bullying. And from there I was admitted to KVC Wheatland hospital for 10 days. I was 17…I remember my mom driving me up there. They weren’t allowed to stay long. They did paperwork then I was taken behind a locked door and admitted. They asked me tons of questions including have you ever been sexually abused in any way, “no” I lied. I was searched and stripped out of my clothes and put into there’s. By this time it was almost 7.. Every day was the same, wake up, make your bed, breakfast, clean up, groups, medications more groups. One on one therapy. They searched your room and notebooks every day. You got graded on a level system to move up and down. You showered once a day. You went to the country store once a week for shampoo and cards and what not. You got a phone call for 10 minute once a day. Visits on the weekends. It was sort of like prison. I remember my discharge day. 3.21.2011. My mom came and got me. She told me I had hope when the wind hit my face and the sun touched my skin, she knew I would get better. I recovered some but not all. I still battle every day. I am still battling the feeling of self-harm and shutting my brain off because of anxiety. It’s not easy. I don’t think it will ever go away, but I no longer rely on pills. I still get triggered but I am now able to speak out and say I need help. Having a mental health illness isn’t easy. It’s an invisible scar. Not understood by many… If you don’t know why or don’t understand, please don’t judge. We all have scars, keep marching on… I wrote this a year ago. It’s still the same. I live on the borderline and in the grey area of suicide… every day. It’s still there in the background… waiting. But I refuse to be a statistic. I refuse to let someone make my story a number or a percent. When I was released from KVC, my mom asked me over and over again Brooke what’s wrong and I couldn’t give her an answer. Domingo how to ask if it was because of him and I told him yes and he told me okay I will stop. I just did it because I want you to know I love you and that’s how I feel close to you. I don’t want you to do it with anybody else but me. I finished my junior year and I want to go spend the summer with my dad and I wasn’t sure if I was coming back yet. I ended up staying with my aunt in Arizona for the summer and I came back in August for my senior year. About 2 weeks after returning, it started happening again. He would tell me I missed you so much, I love that we can do this and I love how we are so close. This is when this for that came back into play. I was allowed to keep my cell phone but I can’t in you to get grounded all the time and in order to get it back I would have to perform or have sex with him. I had a car at this time another joke one of my friends left a condom in there and said I’ll leave this here for a good time. A few days later I noticed it missing from my vehicle but I figured that maybe I had accidentally put it in the trash and cleaning out my car. Domingo came to pick me up from work one night in my car and took the back way home. He attempted to use the condom but he was interrupted by a phone call from my mom wondering what was taking so long. He would call me into his room and have me lay with him in one he would have sex with me and it wasn’t without a condom he would pull me off of him and come on to his stomach. The last time I might have been was right before our Christmas trip to Arizona. I was getting ready to go to work and he came into the bathroom when I asked her if I could have my phone to go to work. And once again it was what are you going to do for me. And I knew what he wanted. I performed oral sex on him got my phone back and then went to work. The night before everything came to light Domingo had been drinking and went to sleep in the downstairs bedroom. He called me into the room and was going to give me my phone back in exchange for that he perform oral on me. My mom was upstairs, and I was listening praying she would just come down and catch him. He pull down my pants and put his mouth to my vagina. He started but he didn’t get ready for when he heard the creaking from the stairs, my mom was walking down to come sleep with him. He rushed to pull my pants back up and act like nothing had happened. The next day I received a text from Patrick which was my sister’s boyfriend at the time. Okay I’ve been doing this to her too. I just remember sitting there in shock I couldn’t believe it I thought it was only me. Patrick told her you have to tell your mom. I told her she had to have been lying and she didn’t have the balls to do it. I only told her this because I knew it was going to happen I knew your mom would believe us I knew it would break up our family and I knew I would never see my brothers again. Around 8 o’clock that night after Domingo had gone to work Bailey told my mom everything. I remember sitting on the stairs waiting and waiting and after Bailey was done, I walked in the kitchen I said Mom I know you’re going to ask me because you can put two and two together and it happened to me too. Whenever tears just running down her face and she just not knowing what to do. She made a phone call told us to pack our things and we were gone. I only saw him in Walmart and pass them on the street while we are driving one time other than that it’s only been Court hearings. I remember being 18 in passing him on the street and not knowing what to do. Now four and a half years later I can stand with my head held high and look him straight in the eyes. God knows you are lying he would always told me when I was being punished and Domingo God knows you are lying. I can now look you in the eyes and not fear you and I will not live in fear. Nobody knows in great detail what happened in the last four and a half years. It took them 7 months to charge him and that was in July of 2012. In December we had our preliminary trial. We had enough evidence for the state to go ahead and prosecute. In 2013 they subpoenaed or laptops and Facebook records. We were supposed to have the actual trial in September of 2013 but it was moved to April of 2014 then it was moved again to September of 2014 and then again to June 2015 and September 2015. And that lead us to April of 2016. Motion after motion hearing the defense kept pushing the trial date out and out. Domingos original lawyer Greg Swartz stepped down from the case in September of 2015 right before we were supposed to go to trial again. The talk was money but it was also that Greg was not qualified to handle a “rape” case. & he didn’t want to lose. Then our lawyer out of the attorney generals office Nicole went to a different firm and moved to Emporia. We then received a new lawyer in November of 2015 name Melissa and Domingo got two lawyers named Steve and Laura. With all this time that had passed I had work for the state for two-and-a-half years and became a certified hostage negotiator. Been married and divorced and had a child. Was not allowed to ship for the Army because of my subpoena for the trial in September of 2013 which they moved anyway. My life is taking a lot of different chaotic turns. If you read the Hays Daily News Posts about the trial the rude comments about how the prosecution drag it out. That is completely false. The defense put in motions for location change and subpoena on records even drugged my KVC records into it. My family and I waited for justice for four and a half years and it never came. Monday April 11th we were subpoenaed to sit at the courthouse during jury selection. Hundred and twenty people showed up that morning. The Rush County Courthouse was packed so we took a seat outside. I remember them starting to ask the jury questions to see if they were qualified to be selected. Ask questions like could you understand that you don’t know what happens in people’s homes and it’s not always just a stranger that perform sexual assault. It could be someone that you know. The people selected that they agreed that they could be partial to it and they don’t know what goes on in other people’s homes. Tears fell down my face. & when the second waved walked in pissed off because they were sent home and it was “a waste of their time and Rush County needed to get its shit together”. I felt like people thought this was a joke. Rush County had not seen a trial in over 7 years and our case was a joke and a waste of time to people. I bet if it was one of their family members, I would not have been a waste of time. Things like this do happened in small town Kansas and law enforcment officers are not always the good guys. Once they started eliminating jurors, we had enough room to sit in the courtroom. Bailey, my mom, my dad, Linde, BACA and Amanda. We were in there for five minutes during a recess when the defense went inside the judge’s Chambers and requested that we be removed because we were trying to figure out their tactics. After that came the sequester I got that news at 7 o’clock at night defense motion that Bailey my mom and I were separated and we’re not allowed to talk for the whole trial. They also motion for BACA not to be in the courtroom and that we were not allowed to wear anything to do with BACA. They had my sister on the stand for almost 5 hours. I sat outside waiting for my turn and building anxiety which is why I broke down and choked up on the stand. I gave my testimony the best I could but it wasn’t good enough neither was Bailey’s and neither was his own son’s testimony against him. Thursday afternoon the jury was handed the case and only deliberated for three hours. Bailey and I didn’t even make it back to the courthouse before Amanda walked outside and I could see the look on her face. The man that had done us wrong for so long walked away free… not guilty. I absolutely stood there in shock bawling my eyes out. I couldn’t believe how 4.5 years could just go down the drain. I then found out that that one jurors told Bailey’s employer that they believe something happened, the state just didn’t have a good presentation of the case. Then I remembered why I was here. I made way father than some people. Some people never tell. Before my sister, I was going to be one of those people. Graduate. Ship for the Army and never look back. Only 26% of rapes reported to police lead to arrests and only 20% are prosecuted. I stood up for what was right and we exposed the monster behind the mask. He will never worked for Kansas Highway Patrol even though he was found not guilty. Due the action he chose while on duty. He will never touch my daughter or me ever again. Why do we victim shame, or better yet why do we question that it was made up and it never happened? About 2 weeks after our trial, there was one in Ellis County that was rape on the Fort Hays state campus. I read a lot of posts from mutual friends about it and there was a lot of victim shaming. “She was drunk, she left the door unlocked”. I am very upset that we just don’t understand how to handle something like this, And it is not just this area, it is a lot of places that are not educated on sexual assault or abuse or what trauma will do to someone. Because of this perpetrator getting to walk away free, the woman that reported this, will probably be shamed into dropping out of college. It is our responsibility to stand up and empower the broken and do what is right, No more “she was too drunk or she wore something too short”. Enough is enough, Please take a pledge at nomore.org. This just is not about women, there are plenty of men out there who through the same thing. I don’t know this woman personally but I support her and her story. I may not have walked through it on a college campus but I walked through it by myself and with my sister, only 2 – 5% of cases have ever been false reporting. I read a quote once that said the cells in your body will become new every 7 years. How comforting is it to know that here in 2.5 years, I will have a body that you have never touched. & for the last time, I am squeezing this very very tightly & letting go…. I am attaching a few song that mean a lot me. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I am a survivor here to help the next one in line. Yours truly, Brooke Teal Garland

March 11th 2011. I’ll never forget that day…. That morning I took an overdose of pain killers hoping to shut down my liver and tied a belt around my neck. I was in a depression caused by being bullied, by being abused, from the PTSD from the abused and anxiety. My sister found me and I remember my mom talking me to the center for a mental health evaluation. How do you treat something you can’t tell anyone about. It was not til 9 months later that the secret of my abuser came out to the public. I blamed it on school, stress, and bullying. And from there I was admitted to KVC Wheatland hospital for 10 days. I was 17…I remember my mom driving me up there. They weren’t allowed to stay long. They did paperwork then I was taken behind a locked door and admitted. They asked me tons of questions including have you ever been sexually abused in any way, “no” I lied. I was searched and stripped out of my clothes and put into there’s. By this time it was almost 7. The first I met was a girl named Celeste, a girl dealing with the same anxiety issues and an eating disorder. Then Megan. Depression and an eating disorder. The next day Katii Her Celeste and I were roommates. Everyday was the same, wake up, make your bed, breakfast, clean up, groups, medications more groups. One on one therapy. They searched your room and notebooks everyday. You got graded on a level system to move up and down. You showered once a day. You went to the country store once a week for shampoo and cards and what not. You got a phone call for 10 minute once a day. Visits on the weekends. It was sort of like prison. About 4 days into treatment late into the night another girl was admitted for a suicide attempt by pills. Her name was Autumn. I remember she was quiet, didn’t say much until I asked her to play garbage with us. Hell I don’t even remember how to play it. Her and I became roommates and lifelong friends. I am still friends with all those girls. But I have always had a special bond with Autumn. After we were discharged I’ll never forget what her father told me… “You saved her, I can never thank you enough”. Autumn told me she felt hopeless and didn’t wanna live anymore but then someone wanted to be her friend… Me. I remember my discharge day. 3.21.2011. My mom came and got me. She told me I had hope when the wind hit my face and the sun touched my skin, she knew I would get better. I recovered some but not all. I still battle everyday. I know for Autumn and I our daughters had helped. For Katii her son. For Celeste, she writes and blogs her story. Does makeup for therapy. Megan had a good support system with us. Her eating disorder got better. She gained her weight back, met the love of her life. We all came a long way. I am still battling the feeling of self harm and shutting my brain off because of anxiety. Its not easy. I don’t think it will ever go away, but I no longer rely on pills. I still get triggered but I am now able to speak out and say I need help. Having a mental health illness isn’t easy. Its an invisible scar. Not understood by many… If you don’t know why or don’t understand, please don’t judge. We all have scars, keep marching on.

I don’t catch the dark days of motherhood often but when I do my anxiety breaks lose again. I feel like my life is out of control and I will fail. And the last thing I want to hear is “this to shall pass”. Excuse me, but if you arent in my shoes at this moment then I am alone and you need to shut your mouth. Literally the mom does everything. She feeds, she changes, she comforts. It is sledom I will wake Jacob up because he works 10 hours a day. But what about me, I work 24 hours. I never clock out. Do new mothers have something to prove by not asking for help? All I know is by the time I am asking for help, that I am balling wanting to bang my head into a wall. It is odd how we always go back to what we feel with any type of trauma. Last Jaydlynn maybe, maybe… Slept a total of two hours. She was up hungry, wet, cold and just want to be held, over and over again. I don’t know about you but I cannot sleep with a baby in the bed. I will wake up everytime I move to check on her. Hell, I can barely sleep with Jacob in the bed. Sleep is my happy place. It calms me, it relaxes me but its also my enemy. Sleep is how I battle my depressions. Lately I can’t tell if I am exhausted or depressed. This is the second time I have felt this way since she was born. My coping skill is knowing I am responsible for this tiny human. And when I look down and she is smiling at me… Maybe she just wants her mommy sometimes. Jaydlynn Phoenix you are my world.

Never have a ever seen such beauty in this world. I amount of love I have for my daughter is unmeasurable. She gave me everything I needed to be my all. After years of suffering from PTSD, Anxiety and Depression, a though the sadness is still there. I don't feel the need to rely on pills. She is my saving grace. Its amazing how much happiness I draw from her. Even at 3 in the morning when all I want to do is get 5 more minutes of sleep. Becoming a mother was the best thing that ever happened to me. This doesn't change the love I have for our son but having your own child is a different experience. I have to thank Jacob Daniel. Without him, I wouldn't have two beautiful crazy children to spend this life with. I love you JJ & JP. And the wonderful man that is their father. I love you most Jacob Daniel. You are my support, my rock and my partner.

As a lot of people know, Jaydlynn did not happen on the best of terms. 51% of all pregnancies are unplanned. I knew something was off with my body in the days before I took the test. I did the at home test, it was positive. My body went numb, I began to cry thinking this is all I ever wanted; to be a mother but I am just a kid still, how am I gonna raise one?. Not to mention I was at the end of relationship. I was scared, nervous and anxiety though the roof. I went to the doctor the next day and took the office test, positive. So I started looking at the options… Adoption… Abortion?? I remember researching and taking to the gyno about what to do. Jacob wanted to keep her from the beginning and I thought for about 3 days and decided this was my blessing. I was having issue withy cervix so this might be my ONLY chance and I didn’t wanna give it up. So the hard part, tell our families. It took me about 2 weeks to finally tell them all. Then I left it at family until we were ready to tell everyone else. I think I was 4 months along when everyone started finding out. I remember thing were not so supported in the beginning but in the months that went by, we grew more and more excited for her. Moral of this story. Sometimes when life throws a curveball your way, it turns out to be a blessing in disguise. Our baby is perfect, beautiful and healthy. I could never imagine my life without her. And neither can her Daddy, Big Brother, Puck in a Truck, Honey, Auntie Bailey and Papa Brad. And the rest of the great family that hasn’t met her yet. All I can say is I have met the love of my life and our bond with never be broken. I love you Jaydlynn Phoenix and I vow to do everything I can to give the world and raise you to take it and lead you to where you wanna be. I can’t wait to see the woman you will become but for now my 15 day old; stay little so mommy can enjoy these precious moments with you. I am proud to be your mother and proud of this scar I bear to bring you into this world.

Growing up I was raised very different than a lot of my generation. My family was very close on both sides. Both were very loving but very different also. I want that for my daughter too. So I guess my rant today is, family is not something that goes behind your back and talks smack. Neither is it something that only gets ahold of you if it benefits them or if they need something. So I have decided as my child protecter that if you want to act like that, you are no family of mine and you are nothing to my daughter. CUT OFF! Rant over. Just think about this when you begin to start a family. I do not want the negativity around. I'll refur back to my last blog, "children can only be innocent for so long before they are exposed to a bittersweet world". I will not expose her to an ugly world, she needs to enjoy childhood as long as possible. With that said, have a great day all.

So lately I have been in this slump of thinking I am not gorgeous. Just because I am stressed, tired and just have not been feeling great. I took some maturity photos that were sort of sexy. AND DAYUM... can you say hot mama. Haven't been this impressed in awhile.

I love you Jaydlynn <3