#autistic regulus

As an autistic person, (who gets probably way to hyperfixated on certain characters) these are my HC’s:

- He was diagnosed late. Like, REALLY late. Canon compliance, he wasn’t at all, and in some modern AU it was probably late into his twenties, maybe early-to-mid-thirties, and after he was out of his parent’s hold. Because Walburga and Orion could never accept that there was something wrong with their daughter, son (because I live for trans Reggie) so why should they ever enable anyone to believe that he was ‘mental’? Or ‘slow’? No, a Black child wasn’t those things. (OOC; Just for reference, autistic people are not, nor do I think they are, mental, crazy, slow, or any of those things. I am autistic myself, and have many friends who are, and know that is not the case 💚)

This also leads to a lot of trauma for Regulus, and a lot of repressed emotions. He learned how to mask very quickly, and very well.

- he’s sensitive to bright lights (which his light blue/gray eyes do not help with), and so he squints his eyes a lot. Barty once told him he looked like he was scrutinizing his face, and Regulus simply said ‘I am, it’s ugly.’ (He doesn’t believe that, but he’s not going to tell you that.) (I love sneaking in unrelated Bartylus)

- along with bright lights, he’s sensitive to loud noises. That was hard for him when he would have to listen to, or endure, his parents screaming. When they’d scream at Sirius, Regulus would hide up in his room, in the closet, with his hands over his ears, hoping nobody called for him. When he was the one being screamed at, he’d just zone out and hope they would just go away.

- he used to be that he couldn’t bear to hold eye contact, like it physically hurt him; but his parents beat it into him that it was disrespectful, so now he’s ended up being that guy who will just dead-stare into someone’s eyes if they’re talking to him. It often unsettles them, and makes Regulus out to be some ‘weird, creepy kid.’ (Regulus was originally confused by this; wasn’t he doing it right? Do you look at their eyes or no?)

- his voice is very monotone. He was often able to get away with this, because it sounded much like his father’s. (Orion had a number of peculiar habits, and quirks. No one talked about it.)

- intimacy (even friendly touch, like hand-holding, hugging) is difficult for him. Regulus does not hug, he does not hold people’s hands. (Unless it was Sirius’, because Sirius was the one who’d hold his hand when he was melting down every other night. Sirius’ hand feels too familiar to hurt, like most others’ do.) he’s only comfortable with touch once he REALLY gets to know a person, and even then, there’s still strict no-no’s. (No touching his hair, his neck, his wrists, his legs, his feet, his stomach, (basically nothing below his waist) )- in retrospect, not much. (Those rules had more leeway with Barty, he supposed.)

- he HATES certain sounds. Cannot stand chewing, cannot stand repetitive sounds (even though he occasionally makes those, only when he’s alone), sounds of bugs, cannot stand certain textures, too- velvet, for one (formal events were nightmares, for that, and many other reasons), microfiber, and certain denims.

- he loves the water. It’s very calming, has a nice sound, has a nice texture. He listens to thunderstorm/rain sounds to go to sleep to, (because another thing is he cannot tolerate silence.)

Like, he comes across as cold and unapproachable, but he's really just socially awkward. He's quiet and doesn't really make eye contact with people, and prefers to spend his time reading in the library or writing poetry.

He has rings on his fingers he likes to twist, he twirls his hair and plays with his wand or quill. He's really neat and organized, and will literally start crying if he causes an ink stain on his parchment.

He has a difficult time opening up to people, and it takes him several months to get used to Barty, Evan, Pandora and Dorcas. He doesn't like change, and gets upset when his routine is broken. He was also taught by his parents to hide a lot of his traits, so he suppresses a lot of his emotions and pushes past his discomfort.

He also strikes me as the type of person to have shutdowns where he would just not talk or interact with people, and lie in bed with his curtains closed. Sometimes, he has meltdowns, but he always suppresses them until he's alone.

Content Warning: Depression, Psychological Abuse, Bad Parenting. London, July 27th, 2012 Regulus woke up late. Nobody woke him up like they used to. He looked at his clock. He started to panic. What about his routine? Surely Mr. Vance would arrive soon for his piano lessons... But then, Regulus remembered what had happened last night. Sirius left. Sirius was gone. Regulus felt a chill run through his body. Regulus tucked into his covers. He didn't feel like doing anything today. Even if he felt guilty of not doing anything and missing all his activities. Sirius probably wouldn't care. Where was Sirius? Was he okay? Regulus sat down and picked up his laptop. He opened Facebook. Surely Potter would know something. Surely Sirius was with him. Regulus began to type some message to James. But then he regretted it. Regulus had always known Sirius prefered James more than him. Sirius was happy and laughing when Regulus saw him through the halls of Hogwarts, with his friends. Sirius wasn't like that with Regulus. Not anymore at least. Each time that Regulus had tried to talk to him, he was in a bad mood. They used to be best friends as children. Not anymore. And Regulus missed his brother. Regulus walked to his window and opened it. He craved a cigarette. Barty had taught him how to do it last term. Regulus had found it relaxing. But Regulus had smoked for the first time with Sirius. The previous summer at Marbre Noir. The castle was too big for their parents to notice. Regulus remembered how Sirius laughed when he coughed. "You'll get used to it" he had said KNOCK, KNOCK. Regulus jumped and turned off his cigarrette, tossing it through the window. "I'm awake" "Time for breakfast sweetheart" Regulus' mother sounded cheerful. She was in a good mood. Regulus frowned. He didn't understand how. Sirius was gone. And Regulus was in a bad mood. Regulus got dressed and prepared to go downstairs. But unfortunately, Sirius' room was on his way. The door was half-opened. Regulus didn't want to get in. But he had to. Sirius' room was a mess, which provoked Regulus anxiety. He hated mess. Regulus had to have everything in order. "Bloody tosser" he murmured Regulus stared at the posters on the wall. Rock bands, Naked girls on motorbikes. Even a few of his drawings. "You said you were gay, is it true?" Regulus sighed and got out of there before his anxiety got worse. Regulus let out of some breath. He didn't like not having Sirius around. He was always around. Lately in a bad mood. But he was there. Regulus wondered if he would ever see him again. Regulus climbed down the stairs. "Mother..." he would ask her to bring Sirius back, she could do it. Maybe make Orion apologize. Walburga was in the back yard. The Blacks only had breakfast there on good days and special occasions. Today it was neither. "Why are you eating here?" Regulus was feeling overwhelmed by the constant change. Walburga ignored him. Instead she smiled. "Good morning, sweetheart" she said "Come sit down. What do you want for breakfast? Pancakes? Pancakes are your favorite" "Okay..." Regulus sat down. His mother was smiling brightly. "Samantha... Pancakes for Regulus and a coffee for me" "Yes madam" Samantha bowed. "I am confused" Regulus said "Sirius is gone. Why are you happy?" Walburga's smile disappeared. "He left, Regulus. What do you want me to do, cry?" "I cried a lot yesterday. I'm sad, because I miss him, aren't you?" Walburga was silent for a while "I'm sad too. But I am mostly angry" "Why?" Walburga turned to face Regulus. She stroked his hair gently. "I want you to understand something, darling" she began "Sirius left because he wanted to. He'd never liked it here" Regulus didn't answer. "Did we kick him out last night?" "No. He left" "Exactly" Walburga smiled "But because Orion hit him" Walburga turned to look at Samantha who was serving them. Samantha seemed uncomfortable. When Samantha left, Walburga spoke again. "Is better if you don't tell the servitude that" she murmured "But it's true" "Your father only hit

Sirius because he was being

Content Warning: Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Slurs for Autistic People, Drugs, Violence and Homophobia.

December 31st, 2013.

Hard breathing, Sweaty palms, Intense heart beating. Regulus wasn't sure if he could handle the stress. He hated speaking in public. Even presentations in class made him anxious. And now, Orion wanted him to be there, in front of family and friends. And give the classic New Year's Eve Speech with him.

It was a tradition for the Heir, President of The Black Empire to do it. And Regulus would be the Heir once he graduated. It was his duty, now that Sirius was gone. And Regulus didn't know how.

You left me a fucking burden, Sirius. Regulus thought.

If he didn't calm down, Regulus might pass away. He took a deep breath, and closed his eyes. Immediately Regulus began humming his favorite melody: Chopin's Nocturne Op 9 no 2. And his fingers moved according to the perfect keys, even if he didn't have a piano in front of him. And as soon as he did so, the music began playing clearly inside his mind.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

All was interrupted by a knock on the door of his bathroom.

"Regulus, sweety" Walburga called "The guests are arriving"

Surely Chopin felt anxious before performing, like Regulus did. That's what Regulus liked about him.

"Coming mother" he yelled back.

"Quickly Regulus!" Walburga snapped "You're the star of the night!"

"The star..." Regulus murmured.

Regulus knew someone who was the actual star. And he wasn't here.

******************************************

"There's a champaign fountain and a wine fountain. I feel like I am in heaven"

That was the first thing that Barty Jr. said as Regulus climbed down the stairs.

"I'm ready to get wasted" he added.

"I find the feeling of wasted very unpleasant"

Regulus had had very bad experiences when it came to alcohol.

"How about some pills?" Barty murmured, patting his pocket.

Those Regulus liked. It was as if all his problems, worries and bad thoughts disappeared for a little while. He felt light, and relaxed, a pleasant and funny feeling went through his body. And he laughed. A lot.

"I have to give a speech with my father"

"That's a bummer..."

"Regulus..." Barty was interrupted by his father.

Mr. Crouch was a short, chubby man with a mustache. Both Crouches were very different, physically speaking. Well Barty had his father's green eyes. That was all. Regulus had learned that Barty looked like his mother.

Mr. Crouch shook Regulus' hand.

"What a fine young man you had become" he said "Your father must be proud"

"Not really" Regulus whispered. He was only telling the truth.

And Barty Crouch Sr. laughed.

"What a funny, lad"

"Bartemius!" Orion came into the entrance, with his big smirk on his face, the one he used for visits and important investors.

"Orion..."

"Welcome..."

"Hello Bartemius" Walburga greeted.

"Walburga, lovely as always" Mr. Crouch said.

"Where's your wife?"

Barty snorted but none of the adults noticed. Regulus raised an eyebrow.

"She had another compromise" Mr. Crouch said nervously "I hope there's no inconvinience. She said she was quite sorry to miss this"

"Yeah, she is probably slut dancing with one of her yoga instructors" Barty whispered in Regulus' ear.

"Please come in" Orion smirked

"Yes..." then he grabbed his son's arm, quite hard and whispered something in his ear.

"What drink would you like?"

As the adults went inside, Barty let out a loud groan.

"What did he say?" Regulus asked curiously.

"That I should behave otherwise he will disown me and send me to a reformatory in Switzerland"

"Because you poured red painting on yourself as a protest?"

It had been an scandal. Bartemius Crouch had planned a big party for the anniversary of his designation as Lord Chancellor. Barty had been pissed. Maybe drunk and a little high. Always seeking attention because none of his parents gave it to him. So he walked into the room of the party with a can of paint. Red paint. As blood, he said. And poured over himself screaming FUCK THE MONARCHY.

Regulus was surprised his friend wasn't sent to Switzerland by now, since his father literally worked for the Monarchy.

"Don't worry, Reg" Barty said looking around, hands in his pockets "I had something worse planned for tonight"

Regulus was frigthened. Sometimes Barty reminded Regulus so much of Sirius. Always wanting to cause trouble. Even if there were bad consequences.

"Switzerland is bad, Barty"

Regulus was getting quite nervous again. It had been enough change with Sirius leaving. If Barty left too, Regulus wouldn't know how to handle Hogwarts. It had always been Barty and him.

"Please don't do anything stupid" Regulus begged "Mother and Father had been planning this for months and..."

Regulus found himself panting. And Barty cupped his face in between his hands.

"Hey relax" he said looking into Regulus' eyes "I won't do anything"

"Okay..." Regulus nodded, taking a deep breath.

"We're both going to do something" Barty smirked taking a step back. And Regulus' eyes widened "Have bloody fun"

**************************************************

But the party wasn't fun. It was in fact pretty boring. Discreet couples dancing. People in small groups talking. Waiters serving. The only thing that Regulus was enjoying was the classic music. At least it was helping him relax.

"I'm bored" Barty groaned, scrolling through his phone "We can always use our little pills..." Barty smirked raising an eyebrow "Please?"

Regulus considered it.

"I can't" he sighed. The speech was important. And that made Regulus very anxious "I'm going to the loo" he stood up.

Regulus' fingers were trying to move remembering Nocturne. It was a relaxing mechanism. And it was involuntary by now.

Then he heard crying noises through the halls. And someone else whispering. Regulus tried following those noises. And then he found them by the stairs. His two cousins.

It was Narcissa who was crying. Her makeup all ran. And Bellatrix was trying to comfort her. Regulus didn't know she could do that.

"He begged me another chance..." Narcissa was whispering "And I saw him there... He seemed sorry..."

"Are you joking?" Bellatrix whispered back "Lucius is a twat. Don't you dare getting back with him, Cissy. You deserve better than that faggot..."

"What's going on?" Regulus interrupted concerned.

Narcissa cried even harder when she saw her cousin.

"Nothing Regulus, we're fine" Bellatrix said.

"How can you be fine?" he answered "Narcissa is crying. You were talking about Lucius..."

Narcissa sobbed even harder, shaking her head.

"Is he gay?"

"Seriously Regulus" Bellatrix groaned "Why don't you medle into your own things..."

"I just want to help"

"Well you're not helping at all, dumbass" Bellatrix spat "She's worse now that you're here. Don't you see?"

Narcissa cried maybe apologetically.

"Did Lucius cheat on you because he's gay?"

Regulus remembered his brother and Lupin at The Tower that night. How Lupin said he loved him. And they held hands and kissed.

"Shit Regulus!" Bellatrix yelled "Are you dumb? Don't you see she's hurting?"

Sometimes Regulus had a hard time understanding something was rude or someone else's feelings. He had been diagnosed with Autism since he was 8. But something that Regulus detested was being called dumb. Especially because of this.

"I'M NOT DUMB! YOU CRAZY WITCH!" It had been something that Sirius had called Bellatrix many times.

"How did you just call me?"

"WITCH!"

And Regulus ran away from there, very pissed.

**************************************************

Pills. Regulus took many pills daily. For many things. But the kind he needed at the moment were different. He would do anything to relax for a while. The speech. His family. How Orion and Walburga had introduced him to many people at the party. And he tried to be "normal". His brain was wired differently. Small talks irritated him. Those were a waist of time. Asking him how he was doing in school, if he had a girlfriend, how big and handsome he was. What was the point? Regulus almost asked them that, but Walburga was making sure to shut him up.

"I reckon your brother is having more fun than us"

Barty and Regulus had managed to grab some cups of wine thanks to Samantha. And were sipping them discreetly. Well, Barty was.

"Mmm?" Regulus asked, as his fingers moved imitating the keys of the current piano tune.

Barty showed him his phone. Regulus blinked at the picture. It was a picture of Sirius and his friends. Potter, Lupin, Pettigrew, Evans and other three girls, including Dorcas from his class. They were all dressed up. And making faces to the camera.

"I don't want to see that"

Regulus played nervously with his hands. He felt such rage towards Sirius at the moment. He was relaxed, having fun with his friends, probably in his new house, with his new parents and his new brother. And Regulus was bored, and nervous, and anxious. And he didn't want to be the fucking heir. But Sirius didn't give a toss about that.

"Barty..." Regulus said "I need those pills"

Barty grinned "I thought you'd never asked!"

************************************************************

Regulus smirked. Because he didn't give a toss about anything anymore. All he knew was that he was relaxed. And that he enjoyed that.

".......Although he only played 30 public concerts in his life, five of these were in Britain during an ill-fated visit there for seven months in 1847. For a sickly man with tuberculosis, the wet and windy weather of Scotland and England was hardly going to be good for him. He did, though, play for the new Queen, Victoria and Prince Albert; the Queen, who rarely spoke to anyone, actually spoke to him twice...."

Regulus was lying on top of the piano next to his father's studio. His piano, the one he used. And Barty was lying on the carpet.

"Okay..."

"....The visit to Great Britain very nearly killed Chopin and he was eventually helped back to Paris in November 1847, when the fog and cold weather had descended on London, by his traveling companion, Leonard Niedzwiedzki. He’d written to his friend in Paris, ‘One day longer here and I won’t just die – I’ll go mad’. He was taken to the train station by John Broadwood, the piano builder, but Chopin suffered a seizure on the train. He survived this but was dead within a year...."

"I don't have bloody clue of what're talking about" Barty said "But I love you, man"

"I don't think I can love someone" Regulus answered "Not like Lupin loves my brother. Or Narcissa loves Lucius"

"Whoaah..." Barty stood up "Lupin and your brother, what?"

"I saw them snogging at The Rapunzel Tower" Regulus confessed "And then Lupin said he loved my brother. He didn't say it back though... He started panicking..."

"Your brother is gay?" Barty started giggling for a reason.

"Yeah. I reckon Lucius too"

"Lucius Malfoy?"

"I don't understand why am saying all of this. I swore not to say a word" Regulus continued "Did you know my mother and father cheat on each other with different people? They just don't know. Just like your mother dances with random blokes. It just the way it is. And I haven't kissed anyone since your cousin. I don't want to though. Too much exchange of saliva..."

"Regulus! Fuuuuck....." Barty began giggling

"Do you think is weird?"

"What did you take?"

"I don't know, Barty" Regulus said "I just took a bunch of red pills"

"Red?"

Regulus turned to look at him.

"Fuck..."

"What?"

Barty was grabbing the little bottle of pills from his trousers.

"I think you took my father's calming down pills" Barty snorted "Side effects with too much consumption, a compelling urge to tell the truth. Truth Serum..."

Regulus started giggling for a reason.

"You didn't take those?"

"Nop, I took another bunch" Barty snorted.

And they both began giggling like idiots.

"REGULUS!" Walburga bursted into the door "What are you doing here? I was looking for you everywhere"

"Oh hi, mother" Regulus sat down "Barty and I were just..."

"Chatting!" Barty interrupted "Just chatting"

Walburga raised an eyebrow. She seemed annoyed.

"Your father speech is up next..." Walburga said "He specifically wanted you there"

"I don't want to give that bloody speech, mother"

Walburga was taken aback by her son's words.

"Well I don't give a toss about what you want" Walburga said, grabbing his arm "It's your duty... Let's go" she sniffed him "Tell me you didn't drink, Regulus. You know that's bad for you"

"I didn't drink, mother. I just..."

"Drank too much soda" Barty interrupted. Walburga turned to look at him confused "That thing is full of sugar"

Regulus was confused, He had the urge to tell his mother what he was up to. But Barty kept shaking his head.

"Anyway, let's go" Walburga dragged Regulus to the party.

**************************************

Regulus wasn't nervous. He was happy. Actually he was smirking like a fool next to his father and his mother. So relaxed. The lights looked beautiful.

"Well I hope everyone is having a good night" Orion spoke to the microphone "I am honoured to host this special party for family and friends. Walburga and I put on so much effort preparing this..."

It wasn't true, they didn't give a damn.

"Another year had gone by and many things had happened. Good and bad. But let's take the good ones. Because those are the important ones..."

Wow. Regulus thought. Orion could convince anyone.

"The Black Empire keeps growing and progressing thanks to the help of investors, workers, and clients. I couldn't be happier. Walburga, darling, why don't you speak about the progress we had done..."

"Of course, darling" Walburga spoke, with the same fake smile "We've grown this year building more than 40 buildings across the country and selling over 3 billion products..."

Regulus zoomed out concentrating on the squares in the ground. If he looked hard enough, the squares kept changing colors.

When Regulus blinked back to reality, Orion was speaking again.

"I would like to give a mention to my son Regulus, who hopefully in the future, would do better than his parents" he snorted "He is a brilliant boy with many capacities. Regulus, would you like to say a few words?"

Regulus saw Barty shaking his head vehemently. And Regulus found it funny.

"Yes, father" Regulus took the microphone "I don't have fucking clue of what you just said. I was looking at the floor"

There were a few murmurs and giggles amongst the crowd. Orion and Walburga tried to keep smiling.

"I haven't notice the floor before" Regulus continued "I just counted 563 black squares and 489 white squares. I guess we have more black because we're the Blacks" Regulus giggled "Anyway I'm didn't want to speak. I only did it because I have to. I have to be the heir. Because my brother was disowned. He was supposed to be here today. But no, he abandoned me" Regulus sighed "He abandoned us. All because my parents couldn't stand him being gay..."

There were a few gasps and murmuring. Some had their mouths wide opened. Cygnus and Druella were amused. And Bellatrix was furious.

"My brother doesn't like Lupin back. Maybe he is not gay. I guess we never talked about it" he shurgged "I don't understand why this family hates gays" Regulus continued "My uncle Alphard was one. And he was tossed aside. But it's kind of unfair because Lucius Malfoy is one too and he's here with us..."

Most of the heads turned to look at Malfoy seating in the back. He looked very pale as well as Narcissa.

"I don't know what I am" Regulus said "I don't like anyone like that. And I feel uncomfortable that my father bought me a suite so that I can have sex with girls when I don't want to..."

"Enough!" Orion took the microphone away. Then he laughed nervously "That was... I apologize. My son and I are so close. We play each other pranks" Orion grabbed his son's neck "It was all a joke...To amuse you... Roll the music...." upbeat music began playing, and many people bought the story people they were laughing "This party was getting pretty boring, ha?" Orion smiled "Very funny, Regulus. You have sense of humour. Let's hope you get serious in the office" Orion joked "Regulus is willing to be our Heir. And he is compromised"

********************************************

Orion served himself a large glass of whiskey. Blazer off. Regulus and Walburga were sitting across his desk in his study. Everyone was very silent.

Orion gulped down his drink. And then tossed to the ground the glass so furiously, it broke into a million pieces. And Walburga jumped.

"It wasn't his fault" Walburga began "It's that Barty boy. He is always provoking him. I'm pretty sure he drugged him"

"It wasn't Barty!" Regulus protested "It was myself. I made that decision"

"Regulus, stop defending him"

If Sirius would've done it, he would surely be dead by now.

"I knew it" Orion finally nodded, mostly to himself "I knew your son was too stupid and weak to be the heir"

Regulus trembled at his words. The drug effect was done by now. He was back to his anxious self.

"EXCUSE ME?" Walburga yelled "My son is perfectly fine!"

"YOUR SON IS A FUCKING PUSSY!" Orion yelled back "He is weak, he is a puss... At least Sirius had guts. Regulus needs to be a man"

Regulus' eyes filled with tears. But he couldn't cry. All he could do was poke his nails.

"So you buy him suites so he can fuck girls?" Walburga snapped furiously.

"He needs to be a fucking man!" Orion screamed "Not a puss like your faggot brother. Not like your other son!"

"YOU ALWAYS BLAME ME!" Walburga yelled hysterically "SIRIUS WAS YOUR SON AS WELL"

Sirius is alive. Sirius is alive. Sirius is alive. Regulus thought. Why are they talking like he is dead?

"So what? You fuck women all the time to be a man too?"

"Wally..."

"DON'T TOUCH ME" Walburga cried "It is your fault that you cannot have an heir... Your fucked up genes..."

Regulus couldn't control his breathing anymore. He was panting. His heart felt like it was getting out of his chest. He couldn't breathe properly. He was dizzy and shaking. Not even his exercises and mechanisms worked.

"SEE WHAT YOU DO TO HIM" Walburga yelled, and kneeled in front of Regulus "It's okay, sweetheart"

"See? He's a fucking puss" Orion snorted.

"He is autistic"

"Your son is dumb and sick, Walburga..."

Walburga grabbed the whiskey bottle, ready to hit her husband. Regulus was trying to control himself. It was impossible.

"Hit me, Walburga!" Orion dared "HIT ME!"

Walburga dropped the bottle now with tears in her eyes. Orion sighed.

"Darling..." Orion tried to approach but Walburga backed away "We're just nervous and stressed..."

"Fuck you" Walburga murmured.

"I'll come back to the party" Orion walked to the door "Regulus, you need to man up. You're the fucking hope of this family. Okay, son?"

Regulus couldn't even answer if he wanted. He couldn't speak. He was terrified.

Orion closed the door behind him. And Walburga bursted into tears.

"I'm sorry, mother" Regulus cried too.