It's okay.... it's okay! I've been over this countless times before - read all the books, rehearsed all my lines... I'm good! I can do this! Just... step out into the big wide world, put on my biggest smile... it really is that simple! Literal child's play!!
So why... why am I struggling so much...?
Why don't they respond the way I was told they would? Why is it so... so hard to even look at them sometimes? A-and why is there this tightness in my chest, constricting my heart with every forced laugh and every unexpected turn?
The thing is, it... always works out. It never is as bad as I fear it will be. Sometimes it's even... fun? Yes, fun! Yet still the facade almost slips whenever she grabs me by the hand, or whenever they reach out to hug me, and I feel like I'm about to die because this wasn't in the script no-one told me this is what it'd be like-!!!
...but I can't ever - not ever, not even once! - let my performance slip. If... if they see me for what I really am, then it'll all be over, and I can't... I've g-got to be strong - I've got to be brave because I told them we're heroes, and heroes are brave and strong, aren't they? They don't let anything hurt them - especially not something as stupid and insignificant as this! I won't let them down... not for anything. Not even for myself.
Because the show must go on, no matter how far it goes off-script.
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The Dark Menagerie No. 71
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