#attention please.

Not dating anyone reveals to me how starved for attention I feel sometimes. I have been reading a really great blog my a man named Bryan Reeves and he talks about how he gave up women for 30 days. And it made me very aware how I seek male attention.

So I am off the dating sites, that's right plural. I am not flirting, and I have pretty much ignored my guy friends where there is that attraction that you both know you'd do nothing about, but it's there, and it serves a part of you somewhere. But I noticed that I began to hope that guys check me out when I go to coffee shops to read. 

And I have been trying to get out more on my own to, build confidence in going out on my own. But I can't help but notice that when there is a cute boy, or a guy that looks at me I think "SCORE!" 

I also have been told that I "Look like I can be somebody." And I feel kind of sad, because right now I am not doing much in the way of seeking societal rewards, so I suppose to some who would know the truth, that does make me "nobody?" 

Anyway I guess when a boy looks at me, I know that he won't talk to me and I won't talk to him, but I pretend that he imagines that I am this "somebody," that I am bustling from one thing to another, that my life may possibly in tact, and all my proverbial ducks are, in a row. That I have so much going on, and I am so spectacular that it is only a wonder that I am single. And that my star is just shooting so far and so fast that no man can reach me, so, how could he possibly reach me? In fact it was just his lucky day to see a woman like me, and catch a glimpse of a girl who had it all together, who can inspire men to stand up taller, and still be tight with the girls. 

I want "him" to see everything that I could be, or once maybe was, but I am not. 

The truth is, I have pretty much slowed down in school, almost to a halt. I am not where I thought I would be in this stage in life. Because I never thought I would even make it to this stage. Which is alive. I don't have it together, but I am getting it together, I can for the first time feel it. But I am certainly not that girl I pretend to be in the coffee shop. And I am afraid that if anyone knows that, the illusion will be lost, for them, and well, for me too.

So today I went to get a coffee, I didn't really want a coffee, I really wanted some male attention. And there was a male there who looked at me. And I was more happy about that than I was about my $5 coffee. I don't have a job. 

So then, I was thinking of staying and just basking in his male energy and enjoying my female energy when it hit me: I often feel as if my female energy is all in vain if it is not recognized my a man. 

So I left. And I thought within myself where I really wanted to be, and what I truly craved. And I truly wanted to be in my room, by myself, listening to soft music, and being utterly absorbed in my paper. I wanted that. I. Wanted. That. I did. Me. Goddamnit.

So I am realizing that I would just like to feel feminine because I am feminine, not in contrast to a man. And that I would like to feel that I am enough. Just me. Just on my own. That I am enough for me, for the moment, for God. That I do not need eyes to see me to exist. That I do not need to talk to anyone to be heard. And that I do not have to be desired by a body to be desirable. 

I really just want to be silent within myself. I just really crave focus. To be honest, L. I think you just crave your own attention, don't you?