[text]: I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
[text]: He dreamed I was a serial killer and now he won’t let me touch knives
[text]: I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
[text]: I spy something regrettable…
[text]: I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
[text]: The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
[text]: all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
[text]: DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
[text]: she makes me feel like im THAT guy in a the taylor swift song
[text]: Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
[text]: No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
[text]: Let’s play a little game called “Chill the Fuck Out”–you’re our first contestant
[text]: I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
[text]: I’ll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
[text]: I wish I had some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
[text]: I’m trying to bond with my sister…Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don’t like
[text]: Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
[text]: I’m slightly possessive over the guacamole when i’m stoned.
[text]: I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
[text]: If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that’s how much you mean to me
[text]: Pounding your chest saying “me Tarzan” is not flirting or even talking
[text]: Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next to you
[text]: You need southern Jesus.
[text]: Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
[text]: FYI… At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.