#atomsteel

Ray realized something might not be right when he took one look at Rip Hunter and started cataloging the man's vitals, assessing his wounds, and trying to form a diagnosis (for what? a diagnosis for what?) in his head. He's shaken out of his own thoughts when Gideon starts talking about their recovered captain's head condition and something clicks in Ray's brain.

"Reprogrammed? The technology to alter the brain at that level doesn't even exist," Ray said. Yes, this was familiar to him. Technology. This was what he knew. "Unless, Rip's brain was somehow altered by impulses from the...from the..."

"From the ship's time drive?" Martin finished for him.

Shit. Ray thought. How could he not know that? He knew that. Didn't he?

Maybe he just needed to a take a walk and clear his head. He wasn't doing much good here anyway.

Ray knew something was definitely very wrong when he walked into the library and felt his heart catch in his throat when he looked at Nate. Seeing Nate sitting at a desk with a large book just looked wrong, even though Ray knew it was right. Nate was their researcher, their historian. He was supposed to be in a library, surrounded by books.

Suddenly, Ray sees himself facing Nate's back in a wide open studio.

"Nate Heywood?" Ray called out. The man in question turned around and gave Ray the most breathtaking smile.

"That's my name, don't wear it...out..." he trailed off. An awkward silence descended between the two as they gazed at one another. Ray had never felt so self-conscious in his life, and yet he couldn't tear his eyes away.  

"I, uh, I'm Doctor Palmer," the brunette stuttered, recovering his voice." I was, uhm, my friend Tommy recommended you to me," he explained.

"Oh. Oh right, right, right! Tommy, yes, you're Ray, the really stressed one right?" Nate asked.

"I uh, yeah. The stressed one. That's me. Tommy uh, he said you could help me out with that." Ray then realized what he said. "Uh, with yoga!" he clarified. "Right, because you're a yoga instructor and yoga is great for handling stress, yep."

Ray isn't sure who started laughing first, but he's pretty sure Nate's laughter is the most beautiful thing he's ever heard.

Well that was weird. Ray thought to himself. Nate was definitely not the type to do yoga.  Was he? Did Ray do yoga? Where had that vision come from? Ray had always been stressed at his job when he was CEO for Palmer Tech, but he had never been stressed enough to require yoga. He's also pretty sure he doesn't know someone named Tommy.

Ray didn't have much time to dwell on his thoughts though. As soon as she saw him, Amaya dove right into an explanation of the props Sara and Jax had recovered. To his horror, Ray realized he couldn't process what she was saying either. It was all in English, but it sounded like gibberish and he knew it shouldn't. Gideon bringing up the schematics for the time drive didn't help either. How was he supposed to know how to read schematics anyway? Amaya had looked skeptical when he mentioned it and asked about his PhDs.

"Psh, I don't have four-," Ray suddenly stopped as a wave of memories came crashing down on him. Heart surgery, med school again, a sunlight studio overlooking the Star City waterfront, and blood, so much blood. It was like his head was going into overdrive trying to add all these new life events. At the same time, the physicist felt like he was losing memories, which didn't make sense, one didn't just lose entire parts of their lives all at once.

"What's wrong?" Amaya asked, and then Ray found out he wasn't the only one having visions of a life that never was, but was fighting to be.

"I don't want to be a heart surgeon!"

"And I don't want to be a yoga instructor!"

Ray knew that it was the right thing to say, he knew that he wasn't meant to be a heart surgeon, and Nate wasn't meant to be a yoga instructor. They were an inventor and a historian, and more importantly, they were superheroes. Superheroes who were definitely not romantically involved.

And yet.

Ray couldn't explain why his heart felt so broken. He's afraid to look at Nate, afraid that he would see the exact rejection he feels so instead he keeps trying to implore George Lucas to go back to filming, so that he and Nate can go back to the way things were, and Ray could stop feeling this utterly crushing weight that was now between the two of them.

At the same time, Ray doesn't want these memories, however false they are, to go away just yet. So while Amaya tries to re-inspire the man who will shape his life, Ray lets the visions of this alternate existence wash over him. He's too afraid to look at Nate to see if the other man is feeling the same things he is.

Warmth. Nate's studio. The hospital. Ray's an important doctor there.  Their apartment. Their dog...dogs? They have dogs. Their life is peaceful here. Serene even.

"I love you, you know."

"I know. I love you too. Marry me?"

If Ray's lucky, he won't remember this happiness when they've fixed the time aberration.

With the time aberration fixed, the intricate knowledge of the human heart Ray's brain had been desperately trying to store finally began to fade.

The memories of Nate's studio don't. In fact, they're becoming clearer, and Ray's worried he'll no longer be able to look the historian (historian, not yoga instructor) in the eye. Ray's not sure if focusing in on his life with Nate (his Nate, in this alternate life) caused the memories to somehow implant themselves in his brain, or if those memories just needed some extra time to slip from his mind. Ray's conflicted about which route he wants them to take.

"Ray!" Nate called out suddenly, snapping the scientist out of his thoughts. "Wait up!"

"...hey buddy!" Ray tried for a smile, but even to him, it felt forced and unnatural. "What's going on?"

"You've been acting...well...I mean, something's wrong still, isn't it?" Nate tentatively asked. He looked like he wanted to say something else but held himself back. Ray wanted so desperately to ask him how much he saw of their other life, but he's scared. So he shrugged instead.

"It's nothing Nate, don't worry about-"

"Is this about us being together if George Lucas doesn't make movies?" the historian blurted out suddenly.

Ray thought he might faint.

"T-together?" the scientist stuttered out. It couldn't be, it had just been him having the visions, right? Nate hadn't indicated at all that he knew anything about their other life.  

"Yeah, Ray, like together...together Oh God, it wasn't just me having those visions right, I shouldn't have said anything, you probably think I'm crazy or-"

"No!" Ray yelped, his brain finally catching up to him. "No, you're not crazy at all. I mean, I thought I was the only one still having them."

"Still?" Nate inquired.

"...You're not?" Ray replied, suddenly feeling sick.

"No, I mean yes! I mean, sort of? I don't know, everything's been a bit fuzzy lately, I don't know. I just, I don't know, I really didn't want to be a yoga instructor, but then you...I..." The historian seemed at a loss for words. "I didn't want anything to do with that life except for you," he finally admitted and Ray felt his heart soar.  

"I think it was about the only thing I wanted to happen," the physicist responded, a smile forming on his face. "Everything else about that life, our jobs, our routines, all of that felt wrong. But not you." The smile had turned into a full on loopy grin now, and Ray knew he probably should care, but he didn't.

"Ray," Nate breathed. Ray thought he could get used to him saying his name that way.

"Yeah?" he asked, feeling just as breathless.

Nate took one step, then two more, and  then suddenly they were practically pressed against each other. There was a brief period where neither of them dared to move, least they ruin the moment, and then Ray dipped his head and crashed his lips into Nate's.

There's a hot flash of memories, the most intense Ray's felt so far, as he's kissing Nate. The feeling is both new and familiar, like his body knows the experience is new, but his mind contradicts that information. When Nate bites on his lower lip, Ray sees a candlelit bedroom and feels sheets wrinkle under his grip. When the blonde's lets Ray's tongue into his mouth, the brunette can smell autumn and coffee, with just a hint of antiseptic.

And then...everything is gone.

Ray pulled away at the sudden loss. He tried desperately to recall anything, the studio, the room...but his traitorous mind comes up blank.

"What's wrong?" Nate asked, panic evident in his voice. "Was that not good, I could try again, I-"

"No, no, no, that's not it, everything you did was perfect and amazing," Ray assured him. "It's just I...I can't remember anything about, back then anymore."

"...huh, neither can I," Nate remarked. "Maybe it's a sign," he offered after a moment.

"A sign?" Ray inquired.

"Yeah," Nate shrugged. "Clean slate, you know? Our first kiss wasn't in a yoga studio, it was now. If you ask me, honestly, I like this version better."

"Yeah me too," Ray smiled. "Although, that other life had a lot of kisses, so I think we have a lot make up for," he added already leaning back into his newfound lover.