#associatelife

Consider your boss:

1. Do you feel anxious or nervous when you are around this person? Yes, all the time. I flinch whenever the phone rings now because I’m afraid he’s on the other line.

2. Do you watch what you are doing in order to avoid making this person  angry or upset? Yeah—why would I want them upset with me—he might fire me.

3. Are you afraid of voicing a different opinion than this person ? He doesn’t react well to other opinions.

4. Does this person criticize you or embarrass you in front of others? Not really, in fact, he promises me that he only ever says good things about me to others. Right after he tells me something awful and horrible that he doesn’t want me to repeat to anyone else.

5. Does this person check up on what you have been doing, and not believe your answers? All the time. During the workday. 7:30 at night. 5:00 on a Sunday morning. He never believes me when I say I was doing work for other partners and projects. He never believes me when I say I have it under control and will send him the finished project as soon as its done. He needs constant, detailed updates.

6. Have you stopped seeing your friends or family because of this person? Yes. He demands I work all the time. The last time I told him I couldn’t do something because I had plans that weekend he told me “fuck you” and said that it was my job to get his work done no matter what my schedule was.

7. Does this person’s behavior make you feel as if you are wrong? Regularly. It’s never his fault, even when it is. And there are a lot of “when I was an associate, this behavior wasn’t acceptable” stories.

8. Do you try to please this person rather than yourself in order to avoid being hurt?

Yes, it just makes life easier. And less painful. And keeps me employed. 

9. Does this person keep you from going out or doing things that you want to do? All the time. His favorite time to talk is 7:30 at night. And he’ll talk for 45 minutes to two hours. I don’t get home until 6-6:30. When am I supposed to “go out” and “do things”?

10. Do you feel that nothing you do is ever good enough for this person? Always.

11. Is there always an excuse for this person’s behavior? ("The alcohol made me do it! My job is too stressful! I was just joking!") Yes. Usually he blames me and says if I was paying closer attention to the project, this wouldn’t have happened and he wouldn’t have to be fixing this.

12. Do you lie to your family, friends and doctor about how this person makes you feel? I don’t like to worry them.

Just so you know, it’s not a good sign if you answer all these questions like I have.

Moral of the story: emotional abuse can take place in any relationship, not just one between family or romantic partners. And it’s wrong no matter the context in which it occurs.

So, I’m going to take a deep breath and try to be an adult about it, even though the idea of formally complaining to HR makes me want to vomit. I hate this. I don’t like admitting/showing vulnerability—I’m supposed to be the strong one. But I really can’t take this any more. I haven’t had a free weekend in months. I can’t sleep—or I can’t get out of bed. I have a panic attack whenever I see this person has sent me a new message or is demanding that I call him about a project. I can’t get anything done because I’m too worried about what he might say about it—or I can’t motivate myself to put that much energy into accomplishing something I know the other party won’t appreciate. I just zone out for hours and start at the computer screen. I’m tired of him telling me why I can’t trust all the other partners within a 100 mile radius of the office because they’ll just try to get me fired. I’m done.

I’m lucky. I can be done. If HR tells me to take a hike, I can pack up my picture frames in a box and walk out the door and not look back. And I’ll be ok. My family will and can support me until I find my feet again. Not everybody has that luxury.

Doesn’t lessen the nausea.