#asmarawrites

Yesterday was my last day of teaching. going into this school, I was very unhappy. I felt like the climate of the school wasn't for me, that I wouldn't fulfill God’s purpose here and I knew I'd be miserable every single day...cause I was. Luckily, my close friend had been placed there as well so we struggled through it together. the semester was rough with working full time, being in school full time and maintaining my own tutoring business. I just wanted the semester to be over and to be free of responsibility for a little bit. One day I heard someone say “God won't give you more of what you want when you can't even appreciate what you have right now.” Now when I heard it, I didn't correlate that to my school placement but whatever. I pushed through each day and tried to give my students all of me, every day. it was tough - I won't lie. They made me laugh, smile, grow and challenged me to do what I was called to do even when it felt worthless. 

like I said, yesterday was my last day and the students would not let go of the fact that I was leaving. they showered me with appreciation and love all day. for our last warm-up circle, I had each of them share their favorite activity, memory and/or one thing they will never forget from the semester. some shared that they were grateful I made learning fun, how I incorporated snacks with different lessons, the rewards I gave for exceeding academic expectations and etc. but one student, who is a boy of few words said:

“before you came and joined our class I felt homeless (class laughs) ...well not really homeless cause I'm not homeless but when you came I felt at home.”

sweetest thing ever. it all clicked. all the hard days, every morning that was difficult to get up for, the tears, the pain, the rough nights...it was all worth it because of what he shared. my purpose was clear. I made a student feel at home, while at school. his attachment to school and learning felt comfortable and familiar. I didn't cry in the classroom but as soon as I got to my car boiiiii- I was bawling. I left that parking lot ecstatic about being free from what felt like prison but I felt like God’s deed was complete. I've never felt complete after giving my all and knowing I fulfilled something that needed to be done. I knew in that moment that God was testing me and wanted to see my faithfulness to Him. I stuck through it even when I didn't want to or think I had the capacity to do so. He gave me all the strength I could muster up and made it all worth it at the end. Even through the pains of the last few weeks- God wanted my heart with those students, and that’s exactly what I gave them. When I drove off, for the second time ever, I felt like I had fulfilled God’s purpose for my life and it felt great. I washed my hands dry of the situation at that school and knew God was testing to see how much I trusted Him.

I pray that God sustains the growth that I’ve experienced this month. I hope that this isn’t a temporary season of transformation. I have committed to being the woman I want to be and pray that it aligns with who He wants me to become. I’m growing and I feel it daily, I hear it in my conversation, I notice it with how people interact with me and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I’m not letting anything stop me from growing or choosing the life I want to live bro. that shit’s sooo dead. I have deaded the old me cause I don't want to be that person no mo. I'm starting to feel free from all my past decisions.

I will be the woman I want to be, on purpose.

I will love myself unconditionally.

I will never let go of growing myself.

I will show gratitude for the blessings I have.

I will learn the balance of loving another while loving myself just as I do now.

I will see my worth and never question if I’m worthy.

I will remember that God is always in control.

I will love me despite my flaws and developing ideas of beautiful.

I will never let my standards change due to the circumstances I’m in.

I will not let anything interrupt my peace.

I must say, trusting God is one of the hardest things I’ve done in a very, VERY long time. much harder than balancing my crazy schedule. nothing like working 12 hour days with a headache and an empty stomach. harder than accepting that my parents are disappointed in me. tougher than working with children for hours and hours on no end. Trusting God is rough. I cannot lie. I have never felt weaker and filled up at the same time before. Although I’ve been in situations where I know that I was disobedient to the Lord, and I must trust that He will heal me and send me something better - this time it’s tougher because I'm putting my full trust in something I have noooooooo idea about. I feel broken, but I know I'm not broke. I feel saddened, but I know He has something good coming. I feel confused, but I find great comfort in knowing that God has all things figured out. 

I know I serve a good God. one that looks out for His children, provides what we need and allows pain for growth. I know in my heart that the more I trust in Him, the greater my understanding has gotten about something SO good on its way. Although I have no idea what that is, I am going to keep pushing (with all the strength I can muster up) until I have given God complete control of my life. Anytime I’ve done anything other than that.... things always fall apart. Something’s coming and I can feel it growing everything. Thank you Jesus. 

God WILL Provide (Great Video for Growing your Trust in Him)

“Are you in the place that God has told you to be? Because it is in that place that you will find provision.”

Provision

(Pro) beforehand

(Vision) God literally has the vision to see what you need

God already saw the need that you had and He provided for that need, before you needed it. That is provision. 

Mathew 6:32-33  

“For your Heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. (33) But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.”

“I cried. I repented. I re-surrendered. I recommitted my life to Him and I will follow you and submit to you all the days of my life = supernatural joy and peace.”

“God already seen my need and provided for it. When I stopped trusting in my own self and my own ways and submitted to Him that’s when he came in and took care of everything for me.”