#asklesbians

Hello, both of my parents were poetry professors so I grew up thinking 50% of the people in the world were gay as we would have lots of gay friends over the house constantly. My adopted uncle and my first babysitter, yes, we dressed the Hulk up and drag, and he was glamorous, is just one of the many important figures in my life, as well as the founders of bear magazine, and the bear movement who were wonderful family friends and had the most hilarious African gray parrot. Well, not at all politically correct nowadays my mom in the 70s and 80s was a self proclaimed fag hag.

I also knew a lot of famous lesbian writers growing up. Including some of my dad’s best friends. So a writer, whose name I won’t mention to protect her, always said there’s two types of lesbians: cat, and dog lesbians and they generally don’t like each other. I for one get along excellently with dog lesbians despite being a straight guy who really doesn’t like the outdoors that much. And most dog lesbians I know are not too fond of cat lesbians from what I heard growing up. One of my favorite auntie said she had a break up with a girl because she was a cat lesbian. I guess I’ve only known a few cat lesbians but they all seemed cool . My wonderful therapist of five years is a lesbian ( Attn: middle-aged lesbians in South Florida. Let me know if you’re interested because it would make me so happy if I could hook her up with a girlfriend. She is super intelligent, she plays the harp, she does sandbox therapy and is one of my favorite people in the world ) and she has a cat and a dog so I was talking about this with her the other day and she said the only reason she got the cat was because of her dog and that she was definitely a dog lesbian. Now I am generation X and an older fellow so I don’t know what things are like nowadays but is this still a thing? Or is it not a thing? Forgive my hetero male ass for possibly being stupid here but growing up this is what all my lesbian friends said, and I’m wondering if it’s actually a thing ?. Or maybe times of advanced and now we have like chinchilla lesbians or something. That actually sounds really cool.

From the comments:

SparkleSelkie: It’s kinda a thing It’s mostly a joke about how different lifestyle choices may not mesh well for friendships and relationships Entirely possible that it’s regional, and no one I know takes it seriously

VeryPassableHuman: Okay... I see comments saying this isn't a thing... but as a lesbian who owns cats, seeing someone with a lot of dog pictures in a dating profile is at this point a yellow flag to me, and it's just because of the vibes of the last several dog people I've dated, which strongly does imply that I am a cat lesbian, and I do have a apprehension towards dog lesbians... Take this anecdote as you will lol I think there may be something to it 😅

Lesbophobia_hammer: You forgot about the mysterious 3rd creature, the bird lesbian.

DriftwoodAtlas: Never heard of it, but I'm a Gen X lesbian and a dog person and don't always connect well with cat people, so maybe there's something to it.

Distracted_x: I guess I'm a cat lesbian but only because I'm a lesbian who has cats right now and no dogs. But I do love dogs as well.

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My friend invited me to go out this weekend for lesbian night. My family who is all straight are telling me that it’s “weird” and “rude” to go in as a straight woman. I am an over thinker and I don’t want to come off as rude. My friend is a lesbian herself .I told her yes since she didn’t have anyone else. Any thoughts and comments would be greatly appreciated. Also if i were to go and get approached I will politely decline of course but if there’s any ways you guys think of a good way to decline let me know please. Again I tend to over think sorry and thank you.

What people had to say on Reddit:

Mission-Rain-2802: Just let any girls that hit on you down easy and direct them to your friend. Don't be too flirty since no one has a chance with you lol I'm sure it's ego boosting for you but yeah don't give a girl false hope.

Local-Suggestion2807: They don't take our gay cards at the door lol you're fine just remember you're a guest in a minority culture's space and act accordingly.

TinyPretzels: I would definitely listen to your lesbian friend who invited you over the straight family who think it's weird. If someone flirts with you, you can redirect them to your friend!

Dragon_Bidness: It's fine. Just tell anybody who shows interest you're there as a wing woman and direct them to the lesbian in your party if they look like her type. As an aside please don't think you're safe from being approached by cis straight males. For whatever reason they love to infest our spaces and it's impossibly difficult for gay establishments to police clientele. Stay safe and have fun :)

Bubblegumx2inadish: I think as long as the invitation is coming from a lesbian, and you are very upfront that you are an ally, all is fine. My friend group is all lesbians + our one straight friend, every once in a while she tags along with us to dyke nights. Some of the events have a bracelet or color system to indicate flirty or friendly too!

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Jesus Christ do I feel so fucking stupid. I have been dating this woman, let's call her Cindy, for about 2 months. She was the one who pursued me. At first, she was wonderful (aren't they always?). I mean this woman was taking me to expensive restaurants, we were making out at the beach during sunset, having sex for hours, vespa rides through the city at night...absolute dream woman. So, just when I start to get a little attached and thinking this might actually BE something....she pulls the "I just don't think my heart is open right now and I need some space to find some clarity." So, in my head I'm like, ohhh great, we have an avoidant on our hands. So, after a little pushback from me asking her what was wrong, I decided to give her some space. About 10 days later...she's back. She sends me a 5 minute video of her apologizing and saying she was stupid and just got scared of being hurt because she was feeling things for me and she wants to be with me blah blah. I fell for it, and said I would give her another chance. This was on a Friday. That Saturday, we had dinner plans but I had to cancel because I wasn't feeling well. She was understanding about it and said we can plan another day. Well, on SUNDAY, literally the next day, I wake up to an 8 minute voice note from her. She tells me that her ex contacted her last night asking for another chance and she has decided she is going to pursue things with her. AT THIS POINT I AM LIVID. LIKE WTF DO YOU MEAN? You just sent me so many things about how you wanted to be with me and how stupid you were to push me away. OMG I AM SEETHING. I didn't even want to give her a second chance after she pushed me away the first time. How do I get over this and move on? I genuinely feel RAGE and like I've been played so hard.

Some comments that stood out:

Reasonable_Draft_541: OMG! I FEEL THE RAGE TOO!! Fuck this woman! It’s good that it’s out in the open right now than any much longer. I’m sorry that she took you on a ride so bad. Make sure you never entertain her again! For now, do you wanna do some kind of rage dance to feel better?

HappyLesbian1111: Shen sounds emotionally unhealthy. Thank goodness you learned this now. I hope you can let go.

Ehlienz: you dodged a bullet.

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My girlfriend and I went through a really rough patch while I was on an exchange term and when I came back we worked through it and we were really happy. I found out she hooked up with one of our mutual guy friends and have felt sick ever since. The cheating is one thing, but the fact that it was a man makes me feel filthy. She said she’s definitely not bi after that, but I saw the messages they sent eachother, he knows she’s been with women but called it her real first time and she let him, she said it was great, apparently it was quite a few times too. She said she just wanted the aftercare while we were fighting so much but what the fuck. I’m trying to stay but I feel broken, mostly because I can’t stop thinking about her and him.

It might be stupid but I also just feel so inadequate, I can’t ever be with her like that. I already struggled a lot with intimacy because I’ve never been able to finish but this just made it so much worse.

She stopped talking to him completely and it also turns out he told like a fuck ton of people so she’s really struggling and I want to be there for her but what the fuck.

What people had to say on Reddit:

Usernames_suck_ok: You're focused on the wrong thing(s). The point is she shouldn't be your "girlfriend" anymore.

Coffee-junkie87: If it was a few times…she didn’t feel guilty. You are not crazy. I would be repulsed too. There’s no coming back from this. You’ve been together long, don’t make it longer. Find someone that will support your mental health.

Mlekoduszek: it's better to leave her if you don't want to end up even more heartbroken when she eventually leaves you for a man

Utopiannu05: I dont know if you want advice or just a place to vent in general, it's usually so hard finding out about your partner cheating. To make matters worse she told you that the sex made her verify that she's actually not bi? Like in what world does that statement even sound normal? Im so sorry OP

Reasonable_Draft_541: OP, break up with her for your sanity. You have to be there for yourself first

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Stupid question, genuine concern. I'm 24, a late bloomer because I wasted too much time on my degree and haven't interacted with anyone romantically since my teenage years. Also, I'm currently living in a country that prohibits homosexual marriage, so it will be a long way to go anyway.

What people had to say on Reddit:

ToxicFluffer: Tbh a lot of lesbians are obsessed with older women (me too) lol but most of said older women are too sane and normal to reciprocate.

Straycrayons1: No. In my experience we do not have a thing for women who are too young for us. Most tend to date within +/-5yrs of their age. Of course there are caveats and qualifiers and outlying cases.

Sggkloosemo: No, but also - you're only 24!! That's hardly old, especially in the gay community wherein a lot of people don't have the same formative experiences with dating until they're well into adulthood. You will be totally fine, I promise.

AchingAmy: Nope. Idk if you've seen those studies about what age women versus men find most attractive, but for women it tends to line up with how old the woman is while for men they consistently found early 20s women most attractive even into their middle age. So, don't worry gurrl, you'll find plenty of women your age interested in you

RealisticL3af: other way around.. most of us like older

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For context, I’m pansexual. But it honestly kinda makes me mad when my female straight friends say they’re gonna become lesbians just because they’re mad at their boyfriend at the moment. Idk, I guess I need other people’s opinions as well? Is it infuriating to lesbians like it is to me as a pansexual woman??

Some replies worth sharing:

AlternativeAdept4650: Any implication that sexuality is a choice is frustrating

SnooRabbits981: Mad? No. It’s sort of boomer “I hate my partner” humor so it’s just really unfunny. But meh

EdgeOfTheOwl: Not really, I’d shoot them a look but i know they’re saying it in the heat of the moment. but I haven’t heard someone say that since college years ago

Tenniethegaybie: Oh? I didn't know it was that easy! Each relationship has its issues. Getting with a girl might bring new problems that the current boyfriend does not, so they need to check themselves before talking lol. If they are in relationships that are so bad they want to joke about escaping their sexuality then it sounds like they love toxic men 💀

RainInTheWoods: No, I let people blow off steam. I also inform them that gay couples have all the same problems as straight couples. It 100% comes as a surprise to them.

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I’m looking for some perspective from other lesbians because I’m genuinely stuck and this has become one of the biggest issues in my relationship.

My partner and I live together, and for months now she hasn’t been initiating any intimacy, no affection, no physical closeness, not even saying I’m sexy or expressing that she wants me, nothing that makes me feel desired. I’ve brought this up many times because it makes me feel unwanted in my own relationship, and every conversation ends the same way, I tell her I feel undesirable again, she apologizes, and promises she’ll try or plan a “good night” for us to reconnect. I try and compare our parents who also don’t show love in those ways anymore and fight often and she just tells me to stop comparing her to other people instead of even taking it into perspective.

When the opportunities come, she doesn’t do anything. Then another week passes, I get hurt all over again, and we repeat the same cycle. It’s gotten to the point where I’m crying about this almost weekly because it feels like something is deeply wrong and I’m the only one trying to fix it.

She keeps saying I need to be patient and see that she’s trying and that she “gets anxious” about intimacy now because I’m upset. But I’m upset because nothing is changing and it feels like she’s only putting herself first instead of fighting the anxiety and trying to do something I beg for. It’s been months. I’m trying to communicate, not pressure. I love her, but I’m feeling emotionally isolated, undesirable, and confused. How do you actually talk about this productively when the same promises keep getting made but nothing changes? At what point does this become a compatibility issue versus something fixable? What should I realistically be doing here? I want this relationship to work, but I’m starting to feel really drained and unsure of how much more I can carry alone. Any advice or outside perspective would be really appreciated.

A few notable replies:

Dragon_Bidness: You've already done all you can reasonably do. She either has to care, and make a change (which seems unlikely) or you have to accept that you're going to have to live without intimacy. This is a love language/compatibility issue. Theres literally nothing YOU can do to change things. You've expressed your need, had multiple conversations and she's done nothing about it. This is who she is. Speaking as someone who is NOT a cuddly touchy person it's very difficult to give the kind of constant touching and affection my wife requires. I'm better about it now but we had to be very intentional about things. She needed to ask for what she wanted. "Hey I want a kiss", "Hug me", I want snuggles", "I want you to lay on my stomach". If she tells me what she needs I'm all about giving it to her. Would she prefer it was spontaneous? Yeah probably. I've gotten better over the years at initiating. I don't ignore her or refuse her when she asks for things (rarely I'll decline to do something right away, but I'll give a reason that's usually understandable) so she's not out here asking for love and getting rejected. It works for us and I do spontaneously give affection here and there. Still working on giving more. I'll ask myself every day if I've reached out to give affection without her asking. Its something I work at. I'm devoted to my wife and will do anything to make her happy. It takes a lot of effort and rewiring of how I approach things. I made it very clear that I was working on it and we had repeated check ins and conversations. There was no "I don't want to talk about this anymore ". It had to be addressed every time there was a problem. So it CAN be overcome. It doesn't sound like your girlfriend is willing to leave her comfort zone for you. You're just expected to shelve your needs and accept less than you require, and that isn't a healthy relationship. You can't be happy with the resentment that is building up. If she's not willing to make even baby steps towards you, there is no saving things.

Au_printemps_: This happened to me in my first marriage. We had a dead bedroom for a long time (a couple years if I remember correctly) and after about a year I started to communicate to her that I needed it to change. She kept saying she would try harder, she wasn’t sure why she couldn’t meet my needs for intimacy etc etc but nothing ever changed. I was committed to her and I stayed and a little over yet ANOTHER year later she finally admitted that she didn’t love me anymore and wanted to get divorced. That was almost 5 years ago and I’ve since remarried someone with much better communication and self-reflection skills. Sorry you’re going through this, OP - you deserve to feel loved and desired in your relationship. Love yourself enough to put yourself first.

Witty-Radish-389: I've been where you are and I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is truly one of the most painful things I've gone through in a relationship. I constantly questioned myself, what was I doing wrong? My self confidence was non-existent. And I just felt so rejected, undesired, and unloved. It was especially difficult because when we first met she was all over me and it felt like when she "had me" she just didn't want me anymore. Unfortunately, after going through it, I don't really think there's any saving this kind of issue. Being sexually compatible is really important and when one person wants sex and the other is constantly withholding it it's going to eventually explode.

Wieldymouse: There could be a medical reason that's causing her to be less intimate. Ask how her libido is doing. If it's dropped off, she should get that checked out.

Tattedtail: Out of interest, does your partner have any mental or physical health things that could be impacting her mood, libido, mental energy? Like, depression can absolutely smother the impulses to give and receive affection, for some people. Is she seeing a mental health practitioner (psychologist, therapist, counsellor)? If not... Do you think she would be open to seeing one? Because being paralyzed about anxiety to the point that you can't initiate a date night is a pretty significant sign that something might be up. What's she like in other areas of her life? Is she seeing friends? Participating in hobbies? Keeping up with her share of the domestic work? Meeting targets at work/school/whatever?

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If your partner came out as bisexual in the middle of your relationship, would you break it off?

For the hypothetical let’s give some context: No, no cheating was involved.

What people had to say on Reddit:

Grime_girl: If they were telling me about it purely to be transparent and let me in on that facet of themselves, I don’t think I would break up over it. If I got the sense that they needed/wanted to explore their attraction to men, or that realizing this about themself would make them feel unfulfilled in a lesbian relationship, then I don’t think that’s something I would be willing to work through. But if there was really no cheating involved, I would appreciate their honesty either way and wouldn’t hold it against them.

Bubblegumx2inadish: I maybe am not the person to answer this. I have an incredibly strong preference to date only lesbians, but I have made exceptions so I guess I am not as strict as others. I am also ambiamorous and tend to lean towards polyamory. I do not date women who actively seek to date cis het men. That has always been a hard line for me. So if my partner were to suddenly become bi and want to date some guy, that would be it for me. Outside of that it kind of depends on where the realization came from and how it changes them and the way they interact with men and the world. Like passive attraction is fine. If it changes them into seeking validation and attention from men that would be a deal breaker for me.

MusidoraPiou: Definitively not if the relationship feels secure . Main reason I’m L4L is because I’ve been in many situations were women didn’t told me that they were in a relationship with a man until the things between us got more serious . I was tired to feel used for fun and through away when dating me was too dangerous for them. If I’m already in an healthy relationship with someone and the person has a réalisation about her bisexuality I don’t think it would be a problem .

BelleAme1812: That's scary for me. The thing is it's probably out it insecurities but I would wonder how they realised they are bisexual and my guess would be they probably found themselves attracted to a men or fantasied about a man ,because how else would they realise they are attracted then. Not that they would act on it, but I wouldn't feel uncomfortable continuing because of the insecurities and also i prefer someone with shared experiences , but that's also risky as you never know if they come out as bi

Glittering-Fig-4801: Nope…wouldn’t break it off.

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