Can you be a lesbian if you are unclear how how you feel about men? Stuck between lesbian and bi
I've identified as bi for most of my life and I have also had mostly relationships with men, apart from two with women.
However, in the last few years, I have started to feel that I do not want to have a man close or be physical with one, ever again, I just don't want them in my physical space. At the same time, I can still imagine some form of intimacy (like emotional/ mental, hugs), just not sexual or life-sharing type.
Overall attraction pattern are so difficult to decipher for me, as I generally don't feel attracted to people in the way of "I want to sleep with them", I find both men and women easthetically appealing, but women get me to have sometimes a romantic/ sexual response, which men usually don't get fully, but sometimes partially? Like a woman I get "whoa, she is hot" with a man I get "he is attractive, some part of his him is hot, but am I attracted to him on the whole?" I am also sometimes curious about men as people. Like "oh this person looks interesting, I wonder how it would be to talk to them privately at lenght" type of interest, often after he looked interested in me, and I felt there was a connection between us. I suspect I am somewhere on the gray/demi spectrum maybe. It is incredibly difficult for me to know if I am attracted to man, or if I am just reacting to him being attracted to me. I feel the connection, and I find it difficult to know where it originated in. With women, I actually don't feel connection in a similar way, but a sort of fascination? Like my attention goes to her 100%, and she is in sharp focus, but I'd never in a million years actually consider she'd be into me.
With corn/ s*x I used to enjoy being physical with guys, but now, the idea makes me so uncomfortable. I look at female only corn & fantasise about women but I also imagine disembodied straight sex (Like I would not want to be in the scenario myself as a woman, but maybe as the guy, and this is tmi but it >!sometimes involves restraint in the scenario!<). Nude men do absolutely nothing for me, solo or gay male corn either.
On the one hand: I only find women physically trully arousing, and I can only imagine to have a woman in my personal/ intimate space.
On the other: I am not fully devoid of some form of interest in men, and I have connected with them emotionally and physically in a meaningful way in the past, it's just that with time something always comes apart with them if they are long term. The two long term domestic relationships I have had with men, ended up in dead bedrooms, and me feeling that I am gay. The shorter relationships started great, and then sort of fizzled out.
Then I'd be single, try to date women, but I'd connect mentally deeply with a guy and start dating him, break up. Rinse and repeat. I have limited experience of actually being with women romantically, so I often ended up defaulting to men, because it felt easier to navigate, but I am so tired of trying to actually have a relationship with one. It feels like a lot of work, without the reward,like grinding against stone and when I think of my future after my current relationship ends, I just don't see a man in it and I feel relief. I potentially see a woman in it, but not for a while either. It's like I could theoretically have a fantastic relaitonship with a guy, but it would have to be something like online - where we only talk, because as soon as we start living together, it likely will fail in the really basic human part - the way of how they behave as a partne, how they are domestically just wears me out.
So, I have been going back and forth wondering if I am gay, or not. I don't want to take on the lesbian label, when it trully means that I am into both, but at the same time I am so done with men, that I don't want a label that implies I am into them, so I am stuck.
What people on Reddit said:
Lithelinnea: I also use queer. I don’t want to anxiously analyze every positive thought I have about a man, as well as my dating history, and wonder what it means about my sexuality. My attraction to women has always been clear, and every time I enter a relationship with a man, I feel disappointment that it isn’t with a woman.
Undeadfromhiddencity: I use queer. I used it in high school because I found women beautiful and sexually attractive but only dated men. I assumed it was just how things are. Really, the “attraction” to men was comp het, and since I wasn’t repulsed by them, I just assumed it’s how things were. Also, men would pursue me, while the queer women I knew were just friends. Then in my 40s, I decentered men and only dated women. Things became much clearer.
Intrepid_Mix9536: you can be bi and choose to only date women. some people identify as sapphic to signify their preference to women. if you actually connected with men and enjoyed them romantically and sexually i don't think you'd be a lesbian. potentially you just didn't have compatible relationships. however one thing you said really stood out to me.. you saying you think it could be being attracted to the idea of them liking you.. that's exactly how i felt, and im a lesbian i can't tell you how to feel, but its completely ok to not be labelled and just go for women. if you're not comfortable with men, don't be with them! don't let a label stress you out. i recommend just going by sapphic, or potentially even homoflexible if you want to get the "i like women" point across without having to fully unpack the rest of that right now. just see how things flow
AccomplishedRoom3887: It sounds like you need more experience with women to figure out how you feel. I'm someone who very much needed a direct comparison of experience to realize I was a lesbian and that the way I am interested in women is singular and not applicable to men at all. So, rule out men for awhile, exclusively date women, and see what happens. You don't need to label yourself in advance of knowing.
Amaayadxb: the way you described relationships with men feeling like zero reward tells you absolutely everything you need to know. it is super common for bi women to guys just because heteronormativity makes it the easier path to navigate, but that relief you feel when picturing a future without them is pure lesbian territory. btw you don't need to be completely repulsed by the idea of men as human beings to be gay, it’s totally normal to find them aesthetically interesting or want deep conversations without wanting them in your actual physical, romantic space. idk if you’re ready for the lesbian label yet and that is totally fine, but please stop pressuring yourself to fit into a perfect box. if the word bisexual feels wrong because you’re completely done with men, you don’t have to use it. just focus on that feeling of relief and give yourself permission to only pursue women from now on, the right label will find you once you stop overthinking the past.
Originally shared by Witch_without_a_hut on r/latebloomerlesbians on August 6th, 2026 at 5:16 PM UTC.
