A Comprehensive Guide to Dating as a Modern Lesbian
I will start off by saying that I am not conventionally attractive. At all. I'm overweight, I struggle with pretty severe hormonal acne, I don't wear makeup or shave, and I'm butch (and exclusively into other butches, which makes dating harder).
However, I have had multiple longterm relationships, most of which ended on good or neutral terms. I currently have a longterm partner.
Dating is undoubtedly hard as a lesbian, and I've seen so many lesbians and sapphic women complain about the dating pool or how hard it is to get a girlfriend, so I thought I'd compile some of my best advice.
I'm not including much sexual advice at all, just a little pointer at the bottom of the post, but I'm marking it NSFW anyway just in case. I am more than happy to write up a more complete guide re: sex in lesbian relationships if anyone would find it helpful!
Put yourself out there (seriously):
• Do you have a local lesbian bar? Local lesbian events? Have you checked any Facebook/Instagram pages made for queer people or lesbians in your area? Attend. If you have the means to go, this is your best shot at meeting someone, especially if they do dating/matchmaker activities.
• What about a local gay bar? Drag brunches? Queer & pride events? You might have a bit less luck than you would in lesbian-specific spaces, but this is still a great way to connect with your community and build bridges.
• Do you have any hobbies, especially more nerdy interests that might be popular with other sapphic women? Check out event pages, groups, and gathering spots for those as well. For example, if you like board or card games, you could see if a local board game shop hosts game nights. If you like DnD, try and find people looking for party members online or in person. Etc.
Pour your heart and soul into your friendships:
It's not as contradictory as you might think it is.
• Do not make friends specifically as a means to find a partner. I cannot stress that enough. However, be acutely aware that friendships are very likely the way you're going to find a partner, whether that be via mutually falling for a friend directly OR via your friends opening social doors for you and introducing you to potential partners.
• Your friendships with people - especially other queer women - are your community. They are the ones who will enrich you socially, the ones you'll learn how to be a good partner from, the ones who will be there for you after a nasty breakup. Love and cherish your friends as much as you would a girlfriend.
• Get comfortable doing typically "romantic" things with/for your friends, or build social skills necessary for a relationship with them. For example, this could be: taking them to fancy dinners, writing them sweet and personal birthday and holiday cards about how much they mean to you, buying them thoughtful gifts and being attentive to their interests and hobbies, learning to communicate effectively with them, and generally being kind, charming, and confident. Not only does this make you a very likeable person, it shows off what you bring to a relationship - you could very easily have friends or people who observe you with your friends fall for you, but even if nobody does, you are still learning very valuable lessons about how to behave with a partner, as well as enriching your friendships, which is as stated, extremely important. Don't stop being a caring friend after you get into a relationship either - remember, you need close friendships outside of your partner, and you need people who will be there when/if they are gone.
• Take notes about what you do in friendships that feel unsustainable. Do you hate being the "therapist" friend, and feel you can't handle being someone's emotional support network without feeling exhausted and burnt out? Well, you need a partner who's emotionally stable, or has a support network outside of you that they can go to, such as an actual therapist. Do you enjoy and get energy out of cooking for your friends instead? Wonderful! That's one of your strengths - if you think you can cook for a partner frequently and find it fulfilling and non-exhausting, add that to the list of things that ARE sustainable for you in a longterm relationship.
• Get to know people you're interested in dating as friends first. I was friends with my current partner for around 6 months before we started dating. Not only did it make pursuing her easier, but she also was much more receptive to me pursuing her because she already knew me and my strengths. Being friends with people first can also help you recognise red flags or dealbreakers. Again, DO NOT become friends with people just to date them - even being rejected or realising someone isn't a good fit for you romantically can lead to a fulfilling friendship with them!
Be confident & presentable:
Easier said than done, I know, but "fake it 'til you make it" is surprisingly helpful when applied to confidence.
• Do not be self deprecating. Even if you absolutely hate yourself (I would suggest therapy before prioritising relationships in that case, but do what you will), you cannot let that be the most obvious thing about you. Act like you like who you are and what you bring to the table when you're getting to know people. Do you remember drama class in high school? It's as simple as acting as a character, except the character is just a version of you who enjoys who they are. Of course, opening up to your partner about your insecurities is perfectly normal - but the girl you're on a first date with is NOT your partner. Even self-deprecating jokes are a turn-off to most people. If you act like someone who likes who they are long enough, you might start to actually appreciate your strengths and truly learn a little self love, too.
• Don't be afraid to make the first move. Don't go overboard if the person is a stranger or acquaintance - there's no need to confess your love to a woman you just met in the back of the gay bar you're in, just tell her you think she's pretty and you want to get to know her. If she rejects you, it's okay to feel whatever you feel, but know it isn't a reflection on you. Maybe she's taken, or straight, or doesn't like flirting with strangers. Maybe you're just not her type - that doesn't make you ugly or unworthy. For example, if a femme asked me out while I was single I'd be flattered, but I'd turn her down simply because I'm not into femmes. You can be a little mushier if you're asking out/confessing to a friend - flowers, chocolate, a handwritten card are all fine if you think she'd like them and that they'd be well received even if the feeling isn't mutual. Even when a friend rejects you, know that it doesn't make you ugly or unworthy either, there are plenty of reasons to not want to date someone. Accept the rejection gracefully, and don't let it put you off making the first move again in the future. You're not going to get anywhere with women if you can't handle putting yourself out there or being rejected - lesbians are notoriously bad at asking each other out, be the outlier who does it!
• Be hygienic. Take regular showers, wash your face, wear deodorant, make sure your hair isn't greasy, and wear clean, presentable clothing. If you're a woman with PCOS/transfem/transmasc on testosterone or any other factors that cause you to have (unwanted) facial hair, invest in a good facial shaving routine and make sure you are not overshaving until your skin is red and bumpy, or neglecting to moisturise. If you do all of that - even if you're covered in acne, or not conventionally attractive like me - you will be just fine. If you're clean, friendly, and surrounded by healthy friendships, you will have no trouble eventually finding a partner.
• Be receptive when someone finds you attractive. Just because you personally find yourself ugly or undesirable, doesn't mean someone is lying to you if they say you're their type. Again, being self deprecating is a turn off! Accept the compliment! Not only that, but many people only consider personality as a major factor in their attraction, or simply find people attractive once they fall for them. You need to embrace it. You are beautiful to somebody, and worthy of love, and your inner beauty shines through and projects onto your outer self if you are truly kind - horrible people aren't sexy, but you can be.
• Join dating apps. Even if you don't find a partner, it's easier to get dates and learn how to behave in a romantic environment, and you can also make lasting friendships.
• Reach out to old friends. Last year, I sparked up a conversation with someone I lost contact with half a decade ago, and they ended up introducing me to their new very queer, very socially active friend group, who I clicked with immediately - they've opened up plenty of doors for me!
• If you're okay with long distance, try online dating groups, setting your location on your dating apps to somewhere new, or just engaging with your interests online (like having an Instagram for your artwork or a fandom Tumblr blog) and making friends that way. Long distance dating is a whole other can of worms, but the main thing is making sure you're prepared to be in an actual committed relationship where the end goal might include leaving your home country, instead of just expecting to text back and forth a bit with someone and call them your girlfriend. It will be expensive and you will need a lot of trust.
• Don't be discouraged if you have less experience than you think you should. People find their soulmates in their 30s and 40s. Hell, some people find their soulmates in retirement. I know you don't want to be waiting around for decades, but you probably won't be - just know that you always have time. Most lesbians also don't care too much about lack of experience, provided you can be a caring and attentive partner.
• Don't act like a misogynistic man. Seriously. Too many lesbians, especially butches/mascs unfortunately (coming from a butch myself...), seem to expect their partners to be in charge of cooking or other household chores, are emotionally unavailable, seemingly prefer video games to other women, have poor hygiene, come on too strong sexually when it's inappropriate, etc. I'm not going to act like it's extremely common, but it happens more than it should. Come on y'all, you know what misogyny feels like, do better.
• Consider if your expectations are too high. When I was single, I wrote up a list of all the things I wanted in a partner with no consideration for realism, and then carefully needled out what I actually NEEDED by going over each want and sitting with myself about why it was a want and if it'd truly be a dealbreaker.
• "Court" women you're interested in if they seem interested back. I wrote my current girlfriend lots of cute little notes and letters, made her playlists, paid extra attention to her interests and bought her gifts. I did none of this with the expectation that she owed me anything or would eventually date me, I just wanted to show her what I brought to the table, and she liked it. Make sure you're emotionally & financially prepared to keep up your behaviour for the entire length of your relationship, even if it's forever - a good partner won't care if you go through emotional burnout/depression or are going through financial struggles outside of your control, but if you let yourself just straight up get lazy for no reason it's on you if your partner loses interest.
• If you're interested in sex (and you enjoy masturbation), get good at pleasuring yourself. Understand how your body works, what toys are pleasurable, think about your sexual needs (such as kinks you'd heavily prefer a partner to also be into), and how you could get those needs met (such as practising rope ties if you like bondage, practising dirty talk alone in your room to get comfortable saying things that feel a little awkward at first, etc).
• Be a kind human being. Again, accept rejection gracefully. Love your friends. Be empathetic and have good values. Treat service workers, homeless people, disabled people, elderly, children, and animals with kindness. Seriously, it makes you incredibly attractive.
If you follow ALL of this advice - genuinely, every single step - and don't manage to get a partner within a year or two, I'd be shocked, but also, don't be discouraged. The dating pool is tiny for us. I know it feels lonely and upsetting to not be in a relationship, and I hear you if you're struggling, but it's probably nothing to do with who you are. There is someone out there who will love you and there is value in simply loving yourself and your own company too. You have time. Be patient, love will come when you least expect it.
Originally shared by IrritatedButterfly44 on r/LesbianActually on July 15th, 2026 at 5:31 AM UTC.
