Actual Lesbians

I’m single again and back into the dating world after ending a 3 year long relationship. Maybe it’s because I haven’t dated in a while but I truly feel like it’s hard to tell if women actually like me for me or if they simply just…..want a girlfriend. And I get it, being in a relationship is amazing. But the amount of love bombing I’ve experienced after only a few dates is astounding. Nothing turns me off more than when I’m on like a 2nd or 3rd date and they start talking about our future together. Like going on trips, moving in, calling me wifey. Like, you barely know me! How can you possibly know that I’m someone you want a future with? I certainly don’t know yet.

I feel like lesbians heavily prioritize “getting a girlfriend” like it’s something casual like getting a new piece of furniture or something. Or like some achievement. And it just comes off so desperate on dates and stuff. Gives me the ick so bad when women go on and on about how bad they want a girlfriend and then proceed to love bomb me. Like do you actually like me or do you just like the idea of having a girlfriend? Because I feel like some folks would date a piece of burnt toast as long as they get to say they have a girlfriend.

Some comments that stood out:

LilacPerson: 100% and that’s why I steer clear of women who are constantly saying stuff like “I want a girlfriend sooo bad” “I need a girlfriend” “How do I get a girlfriend?” Reeks of desperation, just not my thing and we’re simply too old for that. Makes me feel like they would settle for anyone.

Whole_Plant_1049: Wanting a girlfriend can mean that you want to get to know someone and love them for who they are and connect with them, not necessarily just some achievement. That's how I feel, at least. That's why it's so hard to get a girlfriend, surface-level attraction and the idea of someone isn't enough.

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How do I give a softer vibe? Most people assume Im a goth domme

Some standout replies:

Copperbrownred: You just have really dark and deep features / coloring (I think you’re a deep autumn or deep winter). Honestly, you can lean into the softer vibe or just embrace that you’re more dark feminine in aura :) (I am the same! I can wear light pink floral dresses but it doesn’t look right on me while burgundy midi dresses are fire). I wouldn’t fight your vibe but lean into it! Maybe not goth, but maybe feminine dresses etc in deeper colours

Good_Ad1627: Style- Flowier bottoms (looser pants/flowy midi/maxi skirts) to balance out the figure. face framing bangs/some layers to your hair, maybe cleaning up the brow area a bit ? I do think the glasses frames it self adds to the more “masc” aura just because the aviator part connects the brow area which accentuates the brow bone and nose. Could switch out to non aviator or wire frames with a more rounded lens design which will reduce angularity around the face. Makeup- Lighter make up or douyin style make up (i.e. brow shadow liner instead of black liner, blush, soft overlining lips with some color).

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If you want a relationship, please don't ask "How to make myself more attractive to women so they can approach me?" You are already so beautiful the way you are. PLEASE GO UP AND TALK TO THEM. Yes, easier said than done, but once you approach them, it's easier to go to the next. Everybody wants to be hit on, but oh my god, someone has to start!

The first time I asked a girl out, my face was red, my hands were sweaty and shaky, and I was stammering, "Y-you look very beautiful, and I would like to get to know you - OKAY BYE!" and ran away. Yes, it was super embarrassing, but I was proud of myself and became more confident in talking to women. Most of the time, in person, if a woman is not interested, she'll let you down gently. If she's mean about it, move on to the next person. Every rejection is redirection!

Honestly, please ask, "How do I approach this girl at my job?" or "Good way to talk to people at a bar?" More detailed questions can help us help you! To be able to ask a question clearly is two-thirds of the way to getting it answered.

If you comment saying "But girls are so pretty and I'm shy :( !!!!!!" If you have confidence, you can get pretty much any girl. But if you keep using that lame ass excuse, then you're just complaining to complain atp...

Sorry if I sound harsh, but I'm tired of seeing the same post EVERY TIME I enter this subreddit. Also, if you live in a red state and are not out of the closet due to safety concerns, this isn't about you.

Some replies that stood out:

Zeoiusidal_toe: Thank you for this, I’m going to university next year and really hope I can bring confidence to, well even just making friends tbh but also the lesbian side of things Honestly my discomfort with my voice as a trans person takes a lot out of my ability to express myself, but I’m gonna try my best to push past it RAHHHH But yeah, just waiting and waiting on external factors like a person randomly hitting on you is not it..

Miserable-Western292: Thank you! So tired of those types of posts.

Blahblahohlala: Thank you! Fortune favors the bold!

LopsidedWasabi3992: exactly this. we need to end the loser lesbian epidemic

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New ring

I bought this ring off an app because my wedding ring is far too big & I haven't worn it in about a year. I showed my husband & he asked me if I'm trying to tell him something with the rainbow. I laughed it off...but yeah, I am.

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How can I make myself more attractive to fems?

I started gymming recently, so I’m going to lose weight and build muscles because I feel like I don’t look sexy enough to pull fems or to keep them interested. I do find myself somewhat pretty but the appeal isn’t there I give more of a bestie vibe. What can I change about my aesthetic?

I also want to get tattoos soon but I’m really scared of my parents so I’m still building the courage. XD

Some comments that stood out:

Rifkd: You’re already really beautiful! And honestly, the most attractive thing is self confidence, a good sense of humor and someone who takes care of themselves. Other than that, there will always be people whose type you are and others whose type you aren’t. Just be your real self, and you’ll find your way :)

Seashelltattoo: Do you start conversations and flirt or do you just stand there and blink at them

OcelotSuitable2845: im a fem and you should practice flirting on me

Trick-Weekend-6504: Approach them. Talk to them. Flirt with them.

Chains_And_Lilith: Show interest and talk

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Okay, so first, sorry if this post is a bit of a mess, I'm just really, really embarrassed to post this.

Two years ago in biology class, we had lessons on reproduction and sex. OF COURSE, it was only focused on heterosexuals. They explained the importance of condoms and all that. I know that STIs can be transmitted between women. I also know that gay men use condoms. Are there female equivalents? If not, how do we protect ourselves? Some kind of medication like the pill? If I meet a girl, I don't want to do anything stupid, you see. If everything wasn't heteronormative I wouldn't need to embarrass myself on Reddit, thank you scholar system!

Highlights from the comments:

GFluidThrow123: If you're cis, you can't get another girl pregnant. So you're good there. For STI's, you can use dental dam. And otherwise, just make sure you don't have any open cuts on your hands if you're doing hand stuff. You can also use condoms on toys.

Ccile131: I don't think this post or this question is embarrassing. To add information, I know (only theoretically unfortunately) that some people also use condoms for oral sex. The condom is cut to form a square or rectangle and is placed between the mouth and the body part that is liked (not sure about this word, not an English native). Some advice from heterosexual sex ed are also relevant, like change the condom when you switch from back to front, don't brush your teeth too close to the act (before and after) because brushing causes micro lesions in the mouth and it increases the risk of getting or giving diseases.

Laughingintothevoid: While it's true that many sex ed classes are focused on heterosexual sex, and that should be fixed, may I politely ask if you tried to research this on your own before asking? I highly recommend doing so in addition to seeking advice, and you're talking like there is no other way to get this information because you weren't taught it directly. It's out there though! Research is still an important skill, in my opinion even more important, even though so much of the internet is now set up so that the default way to gather information is question and answer format. Basic starter pack. I put "safe lesbian sex" into a search bar. The second link I initially got from a past post in this very subreddit that came up in my early results. https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/sexual-health-for-lesbian-and-bisexual-women/ https://www.abc.net.au/news/2023-07-14/safe-sex-guide-for-lesbians-and-queer-women/102478298 https://www.lgbthero.org.uk/safe-sex-and-stis-a-guide-for-lesbians https://www.thepinknews.com/2024/04/23/lesbians-stis-safe-sex-advice/

BilberryWitch: Look into STD testing in your area and see if your partner and you can get tested before becoming sexual partners. That way you’ll know you’re both safe. Of course, that may not necessarily work for one night stands, open relationships, polyamory, etc. But it’s still good to get tested with a new partner, if possible.

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hi y’all, i need some advice. i’ve met honestly one of the most lovely women i’ve ever laid my eyes on and we’ve been on a few really great dates. she seems to really like having me around since we already have 3 more dates planned and she asked me if she should cut her fingernails 😳. the thing is i want to be official with her but i’m scared I’m asking too soon. also for context the dates we’ve been on were 8+ hours as gay dates tend to be. i want her and i don’t think my mind is going to change but if you were in her shoes would asking to be official after 3 dates be too soon?

Some notable replies:

Librarian_Katarina: No? That's a pretty normal amount of dates to ask if someone wants to go steady. First date, for sure, but third is fine

Secure_Sun8984: Ask her to be exclusive #loveisland

IconicallyChroniced: For me that would be too soon to be someone’s girlfriend, but not too soon to have a conversation about where we hope things are going and what we are looking for. Three dates in, even long ones, you still are getting to know each other, you are still on best behaviour, you still are in that very early stage where chemistry is on the forefront of decision making and you don’t know enough about each other to assess long term compatibility.

Smokeandnails: I think it depends on the timeline. You can have 3 dates in one week or one month and still talk in between. I think my girlfriend and I went steady after 2 months but we did have many long dates too, probably around 7 or 8 and we were constantly texting and calling. She was spending the night at my apartment a couple times a week. At some point I asked her what she considered us to be because I was inexperienced lol. She asked if I wanted us to be exclusive and I said yes. We just celebrated our third year together so I think it went well.

Natziel: 3 dates is a lifetime for lesbian relationships

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I hate being a woman kisser with no woman to kiss 💔💔

Especially in the balkans. I do know a group of gay ppl at my school and we were friends for a short while ...till I found out they were really racist. Im 17 and a half btw. How are y'all doing?

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Oh just your lovely fem yearning for her pretty fem

F(21) here and I’m honestly starting to be convinced there’s a femxfem shortage argh. Anyways tho my dms are open Im happy to chat, flirt, etc. get to know y’all:) and hope your day is going well!

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Sapphic Books With Bridgerton Vibes #5

Book: Her Spell That Cursed Me

Author: Luna Oblonsky

This is the second book of the Her Spell trilogy—a witchy adventure series with sapphic romance. When I read the first book, I was amazed by the world-building and hoped the author would expand it. In this book, she granted that wish. It's even more epic and much darker than the previous one. 

This one explores more of the characters’ past as well as Iona's family lore. There are cool new characters—some common witches Iona decides to help out, a trans witch, and a masc lesbian. 

This book shows us the struggles of Iona and Ariadne's relationship. They deal with misunderstandings, insecurities, fear of abandonment, and jealousy. But these challenges make their love grow stronger. It grows so intensely passionate, so all consuming, so “I'll burn down the world for you”, I have no words to describe it. You simply must read and feel it yourself. Their dynamic reminds me of Madeline Miller's The Song of Achilles—Ariadne being the soldier, and Iona the healer. It also helps that Ariadne is Greek. 

Speaking of Greece, this book revolves more around Greek mythology. They meet Hecate, Eris and Arachne. They speak and even quarrel with the goddesses. I found myself telling them to stfu because I was panicking lmao. Arachne gets a more important role in this novel than she canonically has. I love how the author basically wrote a bit of Greek mythology fanfic. Kinda like Percy Jackson. As a Greek mythology nerd, I was living for all this! 

I adored Ariadne's Greek family. Especially Marina with her ominous prophecies. I found her hilarious at times the way she kept giving them jumpscares. She reminded me of Cassandra. But unlike Cassandra, Marina's prophecies were taken seriously. Xiomara was my favourite too. She gave off this wise aunt vibe. And I know Moira is supposed to be unlikeable, but I like her. She's funny.

Crescentia and Samaria remain my favourite characters. Not only are they awesome in her own rights, their loyalty to their friends is also admirable. I grew to love Euphemia. The way she takes every stray witch under her wing and is basically a mom friend is really wholesome. 

Sadly though, the author pulls a Game Of Thrones in this book. She doesn’t hesitate to kill off any character no matter how important they are. Plot armor is pretty much invisible. So you better cherish every character while they last. You never know who's next.  

Speaking of plot, the plot twists in this novel are wild! Each crazier than the last. The final one has you questioning everything. Betrayal comes from the most unexpected of places, as do alliances. Don't be fooled by my saying that I love this and that character because I love both good and evil women. Trust no one! 

Last but not least, this book has some trippy time-travel stuff as well which made my head spin at times. But they're really fun (albeit not so much for the characters). There's also a little bit of found family. Although I feel like that will be more prominent in the next book since this one was more focused on Iona and Ariadne's romance and survival. 

No review is complete without a little criticism. There are some typos and grammatical mistakes here and there which put me off a little bit. Just a little bit though, because otherwise Luna Oblonsky's writing is really good. 

Overall, this book left me feeling breathless. I was a woman possessed! I kept reading it late through the night. It's really hard to put down once you start. If this masterpiece has a small fandom, I'll feel personally offended. It seriously deserves more readers and discussions. 

I'm impatient for the next book but sadly it's not published yet. Hopefully the wait won't be too long. Because I seriously need to know what happens next. 

You can read my review of the first book here: https://www.tumblr.com/shamster/821014171145715712/sapphic-books-with-bridgerton-vibes-4-okay-not?source=share

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My partner is polyamorous (I mean theoretically I guess me too but I only have one partner lol) and I was supposed to meet their family next month.

Their mom apparently didn't realize we were together 🙄 sure. The funniest part is the other two partners are cis male and nb masc. So I guess that's why the topic never really came up? But the major problem now doesn't seem to be polyamory, no, it's me being a woman.

Homosexuality is the bad thing. 🫩

I hate peopoe. How am I supposed to live laugh love in these conditions and still meet them. I know my partner will start a huuuge discussion but maybe it will end in us not visiting?

I don't feel anything towards it rn. Or maybe I don't wanna feel it. Cause it is ridiculous.

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I will always feel uncomfortable going into the woman's bathroom because of how masculine I am. I don't want to make others, like mothers and their daughters uncomfortable and think im a man. My face is very androgynous and if I have a hoodie on I look like a man most of the time. I do get looks by the woman in the bathroom frequently and I just wanted to know how other mascs feel about going to the woman's bathroom.

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Jordana Brewster & Sara Foster during the D.E.B.S promo!!🍰💗

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Why even bother texting me in the first place? Do you know how icky that sounds? “Only women” and he’s male. We could’ve been great friends but knowing that about your partner makes me feel uneasy.

Anyway I blocked her. You replied to a post about dating and I added that I’m not poly and then took a week to tell me you have a fiancé. Wow.

- About poly dating: I could’ve given it a chance 😩JUST BE UPFRONT 😭If my profile says I’m monogamous/it’s on friendship mode, just ask. Isn’t being poly about communication? Now if you can omit telling me about your relationship, what else could you be hiding? That looks bad.

What people had to say on Reddit:

NelyafinweMaitimo: It's because to them, m/f sex is "real and serious," and f/f sex is "messing around." This solves like 80% of "poly straight couples taking advantage of queer women" discourse.

ContingentMax: Unicorn hunters really suck yeah. You're right to reject people like that.

Bluesond: Unicorn hunters are a blight on the community. I’m bi and one of my biggest issues, among many, with the online bi community is how much support there is for this shit. Edit: god like a woman on a bi sub wouldn’t even listen to me when I explained that no, her husband actually shouldn’t have control of her account on HER

Therealshadow99: Most 'poly' people don't really even know what being poly actually means. For most of them it just means 'I get to have sex with other people'. Without doing any of the actual work that requires... I know that was how it was with my ex-fiance when she forced our relationship open just before it ended. Also... Yeah... The 'I have a husband, but I can play with girls' crowd is sadly the only real people I could find on dating apps... and I wasn't going to touch that with a 50 foot pole.

Ilovecheese31: Ugh. I hate this shit so much. I’m not currently on the apps but when I was, my profile clearly stated that I was monogamous, looking for a serious relationship, and not interested in men. Why even match with me??? I used to give the bait-and-switchers the benefit of the doubt. I’d send a message saying something like “Hey, so this behaviour isn’t going to get you very far. I’m sure this isn’t your intention, but it’s actually pretty deceptive to present yourself as a single woman on your profile and then only mention your boyfriend after we’ve been talking for 3 days. WLW dating apps and other queer spaces really aren’t the most appropriate place to look for this and using them for that is going to feel predatory and unethical to a lot of people. For more information, look up Unicorns-R-Us. You should try hiring a sex worker, going to swingers events, or switching to an app that’s specifically for finding threesomes.” They’d get so defensive and rude and then half the time, they’d block or unmatch me before I could even respond. Didn’t matter how nice I was about it, it was like I’d pissed in their morning Starbucks. I have seen exactly one couple with that rule that doesn’t appear to be a dysfunctional mess, at least not from the perspective of someone who doesn’t know them extremely well. The difference is the husband is also bi and their arrangement is reciprocal, meaning he’s allowed to hook up with men. They seem very in love and happy and have been married for a long time, so from my perspective, the arrangement seems to have worked out for them. That said, I’d still never get involved with her in a million years, even if I was attracted to her and she wasn’t old enough to be my mother.

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Butches in Books - Book list from author C.L. Clark

I don't know about you, but I'm always looking for more butch/masc representation in my reads! I just found this list put together by the author of The Magic of the Lost series, and I thought others might be interested in it too.

The list is primarily fantasy/sci-fi, and it has some of the classics (Gideon the Ninth, Baru Cormorant, etc.) but many of them I hadn't heard of. I'm excited to have more options to dive into!

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Here are some replies:

DeliciousPumpkinPie: 1. Why do children need “a dad” specifically? 2. Why can’t a woman do all the “dad” things men do?

Goblin_Catgirl: Tell them to fuck off with the homophobia.

Im-ba: Idk, "get fucked" should do the trick

Gaminegrumble: Scientific research has held many times over that having two parents is the most important correlative factor to children's success, not the sex or gender of those two parents. Even then, single parents obviously can and have raised children too. The Wikipedia article has a ton of reputable citations if your "friend" actually cares about the answer to this question. If your friend is just being a jerk, I think a better answer is "funny that you don't think any lesbians go by 'Dad'", or possibly a kick to the crotch.

Invisible-aisle00322: Yeah this is disguised homophobia , there are a lot of people who are single parents and they turn out amazing, it depends on the individual.

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It feels like whenever I open any social media someone is ALWAYS trying to stir up this discourse and the biphobia is gross asf. What I find the most confusing though is all the discourse around “you’ll never feel the full extent of homophobia”.

Other than it being weird that that they basically want to define their sexuality through external suffering caused by homophobes, it’s just straight up not true. Do you think homophobes hear someone is bisexual and just pause their homophobia? Nope. Being bisexual has given me nothing than pain; almost being deprived of a BASIC HIGHSCHOOL EDUCATION(the school was gonna kick me out for existing. At that point i have never been with anyone. All they knew was that I’m bi), being socially ostracized from most people, and extreme punishment from my mother that is too painful to repeat here. Being a lesbian would’ve not changed the consequences I faced. Same applies to all the lesbians I personally know, their situation wouldn’t have been any better if they’re bi.

It also feels weird because I’m basically told by other queer women I have it easier because “i can hide my sexuality and therefore I won’t feel the full extent of homophobia, which is a privilege”. Its dismissive it’s basically being told “yeah your problems aren’t real/not that bad because you can ignore the problems, pretend to be straight, and be with a man”????!!!!

WHY ARE OTHER QUEER WOMEN TELLING ME IM PRIVILEGED BECAUSE I CAN HIDE. IDK AREN’T WE SUPPOSED TO BE PROUD OF WHO WE ARE OR SOMETHING??!!

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