Actual Lesbians

Am I doing something wrong?

Ok, I'm 38, in Houston, and have spent all my adult life trying to avoid computers as much as possible, especially when it comes to dating...

The problem is, I don't know how to find potential life partners in the wild, since i don't even know where "the wild" is for gay girls, so Ive resorted to the apps... I think I've tried all of them now, and am getting nothing! Like... NOTHING!

What am I doing wrong? Is it these pictures??? Somebody help be out with some advice, please... either regarding where to find girls, or what the hell im not understanding about these freaking dating apps that cost way to much money for nothing!

Also, Im just being honest with my answers, I'm a little lame/ weird and can't imagine I'm the only person like that in Houston...

From the comments:

PheonaR: Honestly I think you’re attractive but the text is coming off a little cocky maybe? I know because you’re asking for feedback that you have humility but it’s not coming across. Maybe choose a prompt that shows what you like in women. Right now it’s all just your demands and makes you seem a bit rigid. As soon as I read that I have to get along with your family I’m swiping left, even though I get along with most people. That’s the rigid bit. Like you’re trying to fit her into your life instead of learning about each other. Most people want to feel helpful in some way so ask for some advice or give a prompt for girls to tell you a little about them

Dolphinscanread: If I saw your profile, I would assume you’re pretty self obsessed. The prompts come off as holier than thou, and like you want people to accommodate you but aren’t doing anything to reciprocate. There’s a glaring lack of curiosity here shown toward the person on the other side of the screen. Try some flirty and fun prompts that two people can engage with together. Choosing a time for a date as your first prompt makes it feel like you’re booking a medical appointment. Feels very cold and impersonal. Also it tells us literally nothing about you. Your whole profile reads more like you’re trying to get a job than a date. The thing about “innately reading people” is too long. Also, I always think it’s nice to have at least one photo with a friend/friends or at least a pet. Gives a sense you have pals and are a normal, well adjusted person who others want to be around.

JedaMW: I would delete “I’m very good at people. I immediately can sense people energies.” This sentence is grammatically incorrect in a very noticeable way and it sounds a little arrogant.

Objective_Fix3480: Not sure what you are going for with the "you had to be there" picture? I would expect a crazy/silly picture with that caption, not a random car selfie. The turnoff for me, is the greatest strength section. It comes off cocky, and the errors don't help. I would replace it with a more playful answer that actually tells people something about you, like this example I found through Google, "Opening jar lids for the people I love. Literally why I even work out to begin with." The rest is fine ... although how can you tell someone you have pets and not show a picture?! I'm kinda joking, but at the same time pets are a great ice breaker. Most of my random interactions with people "in the wild" start with me gushing over their pets lol.

Odd-Local8287: Please use fewer pics w that backwards ball cap. It’s doing you no favors. I think if you had better photos, you could pull even with the existing text. Find a trusted friend who is into masc presenting people and let them choose for you.

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Hi! 19F here. Just wanted to vent a little because I finally got with the girl of my dreams recently.

My girlfriend is the sweetest person in the world and one of few people who I’ve confessed to about being raped. Frankly, I don’t think I’ve ever heard her speak ill of anyone except of my rapist, and I know she’d be the last person to judge me for not being a gold star. At the same time, I can’t help but feel tainted and unworthy of her. I know the feelings are irrational, but the fact of the matter is that I had sex with a man. Counselling has helped a lot, but I still feel guilt over freezing up and not fighting back harder. I had been crushing on her since we were 17, before I was raped and before we got together. I’ve always had this dream of sharing my first time with a girl that I was completely and utterly in love with. And even though I think I’ve found her, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to live out that dream. Sucks, but it is what it is, I guess. Growing up in a homophobic family, it took a long time for me to reconcile with the fact that I was lesbian. Getting raped right when I finally worked up the courage to really pursue a girl (my girlfriend) was really a brick to the face. I know she’d never make me feel inadequate for not being a gold star, but losing that part of me still stings for some reason, even though a large part of its significance to me is how it might affect her perception of me as a partner. She deserves the world and I’d hate to give her anything less.

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Older woman’s refusal to be old.

I wearing this for an even next weekend as a woman now in my 50’s please be kind with your responses. I just want to know if I look fun and approachable as I very rarely get approached these days. Thanks 🙏

A few replies that stood out:

Puzzleheaded-Belt823: It's amazing, 100 percent, no notes. Honestly, I wouldn't approach you because you are too cool for me. I only mention that because you are obviously a person with a lot of verve, so you might need to do more approaching others. It's the curse of being so rad. Also, I LOVE that you are refusing to be old, but that does make you a bit of an outlier. Are you willing to hang with younger people? Or do you need someone else who refuses to be old? Cause there are simply less of those people, so it's a numbers thing.

Born_Departure6782: Looking great

SpicyStrawberryJuice: im half your age and have half the style as you

TheMeatLady: I would absolutely approach you 👀♥️

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This is so true 🤭

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Not dark romance please I beg. It has to have some kind of supernatural/fantastical/mythological aspect to it.

I’ve previously read Hallowed Be Her Flesh, Tangled at the Root and Sunbathers. I’m just looking for something that meets my standard. The ones I’ve mentioned have genuine grotesque/monstrous folklore, biblically accurate angels, cannibalistic vampires. I’m not looking for a mafia romance or anything of that nature. I want monsters, I want gore, I want suspense, I want sapphic bliss. I’m looking for books that are freaky meaning they’re eerie and creepy but also there’s sapphic protagonists probably falling in love. Like you’re reading and you’ll probably go “well that’s weird” and still finish it (this is how I felt about Sunbathers). All recs are welcome, even ones u hated lol.

What people on Reddit said:

Over_9_Raditz: Check out 'the starving saints' by Caitlin starling. I just finished that one.

Kingsley_Franklin: Feast while you can by mikaella clements & onjuli datta. Feels appropriate, definitely work checking out

Crater_Caloris: You should read Muñeca by Cynthia Gomez. Incredibly well written, perfectly incorporated supernatural elements, and one of the hottest scenes I have ever read Oh also the luminous dead by Caitlin Starling (not very erotic tho)

Heycheena: Would you accept something that has some non sapphic elements? More of a pansexual horror? By a well known queer author? If so, try Spread Me by Sarah Gailey. I found it to be the epitome of erotic horror. (I also recommend their other books but this is the one that seems to be what you are looking for.) Edit, if it helps this is probably the weirdest book I've ever read

CaturdayNaps: Someone You Can Build a Nest In. I'm still reading, but it fits the sapphic monster brief

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This is purely a curiosity question because I realized I don’t actually know what the norm is and Google wasn’t giving me the kind of answers I was looking for. For lesbian couples who use strap-ons in their relationship, how do you typically handle the dildo part of it? Do you and your partner share the same dildo attachment, or do you each have your own? If you share, do you use condoms over it or clean it between partners? Does the material of the toy make a difference? I’m mainly curious from a hygiene and comfort standpoint rather than anything else. I know everyone and every relationship is different, so I’d love to hear what works for you and what seems to be the most common practice in the community.

Some comments that stood out:

NoctilucentSkies: We both completely share our toys, including switching who is on which end of the dildo without washing in between. We just wash everything after we’re done so it’ll be clean for storage and next time. We’re fluid bonded 😊. Would be different if anything anal was involved.

Demyxx_: We clean them after we’re done, but we’re okay with switching between us during. We are monogamous. We dont have any stds and if either person suspects an infection of any kind we will wait for it to pass (or go to the dr if needed).

Lazy-Confidence-9985: We use seperate for the most part, mainly due to preferance. Clean regularly, and sterilise often!

PanicAtTheUHaul: Honestly, I don’t think there’s one standard. We just keep it clean. If it’s switching between us, we’ll either wash it first or throw on a fresh condom. Never really felt the need to make it more complicated than that.

Pristine-Bison3198: I have a couple with different purposes. When in a relationship, I've always had a few that were mine, a few that were hers, and maybe one or two we bought together. When I'm in a committed relationship we just make sure to clean properly after each use. I've never had a partner uncomfortable with switching between the two of us without cleaning if that's how we happened to be doing things, but a lot of times I've had different preferences than whoever I was dating so it wasn't really much of a thought. When I start seeing someone new, we discuss what we're comfortable with before using anything. Most people I've dated haven't had a problem as long as things were clean. A couple people I've dated haven't wanted to use anything I'd used with a previous partner and we'd just buy something together. It really depends on the person and couple. If I were to use one with a one night stand or otherwise casual encounter I'd probably use a condom, but that's never come up for me.

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Back again!

New account after I had a post coming out crisis.

Any room for the more mature woman in here?

Here are some replies:

-MaulMan-: omg

Nellymuschari: 🥵🫠

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I feel like it just kinda started a few years ago and I'm really confused by the why of it.

Some replies worth sharing:

Spellwe4ver: It's a nice umbrella term for lesbians and bipan women.

Narwhals4Lyf: Why are you confused? Language morphs and changes all the time. It is just another word to describe WLW people. It can be more inclusive than some terms, in example sapphic can include bisexual women.

ThereIsOnlyStardust: A quick wikipedia away “The term sapphism has been used since the 1890s,[7] and derives from Sappho, a Greek poet whose verses included her accounts of sexual and romantic love between women.[8] According to Oxford English Dictionary, the word sapphist exists at least since 1789.[2]” So, only recently if you're a giant redwood. For us humans its been around for a bit.

Beneficial_Sky214: Sappho was the OG lesbian.

Mokarun: it's a pretty word

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Went to paint some pottery and painted a lesbian bowl ✨️

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It's kind of funny considering I'm on social benefits and living in subsidized housing. I just want a better life for myself since I can't work a full time job and trying to survive on the equivalent of $1270USD/month in a very high cost of living country isn't something I can reasonably do anymore, even with my socialist housing.

I also might want to marry my partner in the future and disabled people don't have marriage equality. If I married her or we moved in together, I'd lose my social benefits.

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And I ask this as someone with diagnosed anxiety and extreme adhd. I ask this as someone who is afraid to start dating again because my own mental shortcomings have been deal breakers - but I try with medication and therapy.

I feel horrible for considering it the last 4 days. But my gf of 7 years, its like her life is imploding and I can't help unless its the way she wants. And when I do try to help, I get triggered and start to spiral. My therapist told me to let her know I can't be her shoulder to cry on right now and to blame him and his treatment. So I did 4 days ago and she's been spiraling.

And this isn't new. Her life is always melting down somehow, I'd say there's something negative going on (bug or small) at least once a month. I'm tired. I'm loosing money. But I'm legit worried she'll hurt herself if I break it off. She's been diagnosed as adhd and bipolar but I sometimes wonder if she might have cptsd or bpd because her parents are crazy. She is on medication but no therapy at the moment.

What people on Reddit said:

Dizzyjxc: i am also neurodivergent so i dont say this lightly but sometimes people are beyond any support you can lend to them and you have to worry about your own mental health, especially if the person isnt attempting to work on the mental health issues. you cant fix someone else's issues, only support them while they work on it themselves whether they do therapy, are on medication or just recognize their own patterns and issues and are working through them. if someone is doing none of those things, then i would protect myself.

Cautious_War_2736: You can simply breakup with someone bc you’re not happy.

Luci_Cascadia: Yes. It taught me that I can't fix my partner. She has to want to do the work for herself. And love alone isn't enough to have a healthy relationship.

Regular-arm: i have a LOT of concurring mental illnesses and i’ve never been rejected for them. i do think it’s very important to regulate them the best you can. i think it’s up to the person to be understanding but just them knowing you’re trying the best you can to regulate yourself can usually be enough. but that’s just me. i’d start dating but just be cautious to protect yourself

3mptycupofcare: Love isn't always enaugh, and that's ok. You and your mental health is just as important as hers is, it's like trying to fill a cup from an empty bottle, if you don't protect yourself you'll be the empty bottle sooner or later.

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I'm looking for books that are well-written with good prose and explicit sex scenes—that aren't YA. I don't need a coming of age love story, I don't even need the characters to like each other. I need something addictive, spicy, page-gripping. I loved The Safekeep through and through. It doesn't have to be a specific genre. I have no preferences or trigger warnings to abide by. I enjoy dark content as well.

Thank you in advance!

Here are some replies:

Longjumping_Piano_55: If triggers aren't an issue, I recommend The Lay of You by Corrie Mackay. Loved this book.

SubjectSheepherder55: I love Haley Cass. On The Same Page is my favorite, followed closely by Those Who Wait.

Emirocks54: Gold by E.J. Noyes, Turbulence by her too

MiasmaDog89: The Mansion by Chloe Slate. The Sex Therapist Next Door by Meghan O'Brien. Mistakes Were Made by Meryl Wilsner

Party_Rice_8931: Rawnie Sabor, Court of Chains series! Great characters, amazing sex, cool premises. I started with Green Eyed Monster, but you can start anywhere. Fucking flew through them and will recommend her on this page every chance I get.

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Wedding fit

As a guest. 97°F weather btw

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As a stud, I lean more towards fragrances that are "masculine" aka woody, aquatic, aromatic, fougere, etc. I have found myself sniffing the women's fragrance testers just to see what's going on over there and some are appealing to me. However, I usually just stick to what I'm more drawn to and I recently bought Givenchy Gentlement Society Sport which I am loving so much.

The opening is reminiscent of a lemon/lavender cleaner, pretty off putting. Thankfully it doesnt last longer than 5 mins and the middle and bottom notes shine through. The drydown is heavenly – A mix of patchouli, musk, ambery woods, and vanilla. Very versatile imo and suitable for hot or cold weather. I wanna hear what you all wear!

A few replies that stood out:

That_girl_4321: I like citrus scents for soap and warm vanilla scents for perfume. I’m a cute femme and I wanna smell like something you’d like to put in your mouth.

Evercowboyharper: Trans femme chiming in. My recent scents are from Clue Perfumery, my daily scent is a mix of jasmine and ocean water, while my date scent is a mix of burning dust, black pepper, and baked paper. I tend to lean towards the scent of bodies of water, florals, and occasionally earthy scents.

Phenomakos: My femme-leaning favs: Henry Rose Queens & Monsters: herbal sandalwood with an unexpected hint of coconut Diptyque L'eau Papier: fresh steamed rice and toasty cozy sesame with a subtle floral Jo Malone Peony & Blush Suede: perfectly warm suede balanced with the prettiest floral Fantome Baba Yaga: herbal Fun Dip stick witchcraft Fantome Vasilisa: honey and contentment SJP Stash: woody, spicy, and kinda gender about it I also have a sample of Gris Charnel that I quite like, but my wife particularly loves when I wear it. And top of my wishlist is Stora Skuggan Mistpouffer (idek smells like magic) and One Day Taipei (creamy rice, such an interesting sweet-savory). My wife's masc-leaning favs: Diptyque Tam Dao: warm, nuanced sandalwood Replica By The Fireplace: exactly what it says on the tin ELDO Clean Suede/Tom of Finland: leather with a twist of clean vanilla Beaufort Coeur de Noir: more leather and vanilla, but quite different lol ELDO Fat Electrician (hot wires and lavender) and Fantome Namba (sea salt, neon, vanilla) also smell really good on her, but idk that she loves them enough to buy bottles after the samples run out

HopePupal: my go-to for a long time has been BPAL Kitsune-Tsuki (plum, jasmine) because my wife likes it on me, but lately i'm kind of obsessed with d'Annam Vietnamese Coffee (exactly what it sounds like).

Atomicgirl78: I wear perfume oils-patchouli and egyptian musk. I love the smell of sandalwood !

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Does anyone else feel grief about all the time you missed being your truest self, and all those missed years of living the life you wish you could have been living all along? Sometimes I feel that grief in a way that's overwhelming. If so, what do you do about it? How do you process that grief, or ease it?

In my case, I'm in my early 40s, and I've been out for about a year, and still haven't even been on any dates with any women. I've asked out a few different ones, all definitely very queer, and each one has turned me down. There are other complicating factors, but I'm starting to feel like I'll always be alone. That it's too late for me. And I think this is just adding to that grief. I feel that if I hadn't missed all that time, then surely I would have at least found someone to date, to have lesbian experiences with. I'm afraid I never will. So it just makes me mourn all that lost time even more.

How do I deal with this grief?

Some replies worth sharing:

Away-Dependent3472: Omgosh you've read my mind im also early 40s and this is how I feel. Ive made peace with it though if it happens it happens, if not then I will be ok . Wishing the best for you ❤️

ImplementSure5942: Finding love is all about luck. You can meet a thousand people but only one will be the right one... So many factors have to be aligned for it to work between two women, the chances are basically statistically between 0.01% and 0.03%. I came out when I was 21 or 22, started dating, always wanted to find love and yet, still haven't found it a decade later. I fell in love hard like 4-5 times, mutually, with taken women. I have also been on dates with many women, but a lot of them only wanted a sex friend... So I would not say it is easier to find love if you came out young. It is all about luck. You can regret something your whole life but regret is not a feeling you should hold onto. I personally accepted that maybe I will be single all my life, and that's ok, because I'd rather be single than be with someone who isn't made for me. I have discovered things I'm passionate about, things I want to do. I'm not "hoping" for anything at this point. I can daydream about it, but we can't force destiny, so better look inward, what do YOU want, what do YOU like doing ? And do it anyway !

Sp00ky-Nerd: I felt a ton of grief over lost time. I cried, I wrote in my journal, I talked to my therapist, I cried some more. And I found friends who were in the same place who could relate. Allowing myself to have those feelings helped me move forward. It’s hard but keep putting yourself out there and just find ways to meet people. Good luck 🙂

Adorable_Onion_6791: I have always known I was different since I was a child, but I only truly accepted myself at the age of 38. For the longest time, it felt like there was this empty space inside me that no one could ever fill, no matter what they did. I feel your grief. But time always moves forward girl; it never comes back. No matter what we do, we cannot turn it back. Perhaps you missed the chance to meet certain people, or spent your time with the wrong ones. Please don't be sad—some of us are going through the exact same thing, and that is why we are here, isn't it? To know that we are not alone. Keep your chin up; you are your own best friend. You are not too late to realize this; you simply made the best decisions you could at the time. I am sure you will meet someone more mature who will love you in a much better way in the future.

CommitteeOdd6455: Yes absolutely. I’m in my early 30s. I have 1 daughter and I am very grateful for her but I definitely wish I would’ve come to know my true self sooner. When dating and getting to know women they sometimes question my “validity” because I have a daughter and have been with a guy / guys in my past. I learned Comp-het is a super real thing. I wish I could go back to my younger self and not waste time on heterosexual relationships

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I AM SO DOWN BAD

I have my period today, I feel so dirty, hot, haven't even showered, unmotivated to do shit, and I am SO DAMN HORNY. It's always like this when I'm on my period too, really takes out the whole lesbian out of me. I need pretty women to fuck and make out with me rn LET ME OUT OF THIS HELL 😭😭😭

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So, I come from a conservative Christian protestant family. I'm 22F and still dependent on them financially, I still live with them. I'm from Eastern Europe. I could say they don't know I'm queer (I'd say lesbian but I'm still questioning, and I don't wanna be offending anyone), but they kinda do. I've told my mom and my brothers, but they kinda just refuse to believe it, cuz I guess they think it's invalid and probably they refuse to believe I'm one of the "bad people." I was more open for a while about it, until recently I gave up and/or got tired of the mockings from my brothers, and my mom acting like that's not the case, and just kinda went back in the closet I guess. They basically just erased me back into the closet.

We don't usually go to church, almost never, once in a blue moon in fact (I guess I should consider myself lucky for that), but tomorrow my dad wants to go. My mom made a comment to me about how she hopes/wonders whether there will be cute guys there. I was just uncomfortable and silent. It's causing so much confusion and anxiety for me. And I can't skip it.

I'll feel like common enemy number one out there. Undercover agent, if you will. Sigh...

The only good thing about this is that I have a counselor for about a month or two now, and she responded positively when I told her about my identity 2 sessions ago, so I'll have whom to talk about this in 2 days.

I'd appreciate some validation or support going into this situation. Thanks for reading my post.

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