Actual Lesbians

Can I drop pics of my wife and I?

Some comments that stood out:

Mayasuh: Cuuute

Honeybeesh: yall are so fucking cute😌

Different_Bee_8732: This made me smile. You guys are so cute!

Leo0806-studios: awwwww im so happy for you two

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That... that explains a lot indeed... *bite*

Want and need to be bitten by a woman and bite her too pweaseeeee The artist is called "Bonnymama7" on instagram and twitter. (https://www.instagram.com/p/Db6COv_EzUf/?igsh=MWlnNDZ2ZXJlN2lwNA==) Arf arf awruff 🐶 ❤️🧡🤍🩷💜

Some standout replies:

Njsullyalex: r/addressme

AthenasApostle: I feel like I got flashbanged by the Batman/Joker mpreg in the background.

RayDuskDawn: I guess that explains why my girlfriend likes wanting to bite me so much

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I always notice teeth then lips in that order. I’m a sucker for a good smile. Then I can just listen to her for hours.

Some replies that stood out:

Petrychorr: ... Boobs... 😭 I wish I wasn't like this because I do find less sexualized features more attractive! It's just... Boobs are nice. And they're noticable. And they're usually right there. Ugh, I feel gross just admitting this. 😭

Pagetwenty8: Eyebrows

Fun_Capital2895: blonde butches are my biggest type, so def if she’s blonde or not and if she is then i usually notice her facial features next

Sooyaaa103: Eyes and lip special if the look good without make up

Ganjacookiies: Eyes & face shape!

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I’m looking to connect with women from anywhere who are interested in exchanging a little piece of their world with mine. Letters, postcards, photos, little gifts, oddities, books, art, stories, or anything else that feels meaningful or fun. I love exploring the entire realm of existence with other curious people… the strange, beautiful, mundane, mysterious, and everything in between. I’m always interested in learning about different people, places, interests, and perspectives. If you enjoy meaningful exchanges through the mail, feel free to reach out! 🌎🌍

Some notable replies:

Idkwthimdoing87: Aww this sounds fun! I'm in the US (TX)!

No_Tooth1428: Oohhh, I love this! I’m in, if you want :) 36, based in MN

Relevant-Ad-2950: Be careful about giving your personal info away over the internet. Esp on a lesbian sub - be smart ladies.

Problematic_Panda209: Idk how to message, but depending on where you are I'd be interested.

3verythingsonfire: Oh yes! 32 US

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Guess I’m not a lesbian anymore because I wear this flannel shirt and use this LiP SMACKER

If it isn’t obvious, this is a joke, but on a side note, why do companies gotta be so weird? The first one is literally a flannel shirt which I have several others in different colors that also have the label…like what does that even mean? Also, when I originally got them, it was for a theme at school. The lip one had to have been from like maybe a Valentine‘s Day theme or something, but it‘s genuinely even worse because “I LOVE BOYS” said repeatedly? What makes it even funnier to me personally is that my mom gave it to me like “here, this is perfect for you.” 🤭

Highlights from the comments:

Responsibility_Dizzy: I remember being so confused by a pair of jeans I had as a teen. they were labeled as "boyfriend cut" despite being women's jeans. it's not self explanatory like "flare cut" or "high waisted" so I asked my mom about it she told me something like "it's because it's comfortable, like when you borrow your boyfriend's clothes" and then went on to reminisce about how she stole a pair of my dad's jeans and never gave them back now that I'm dating a butch who nearly exclusively buys men's clothing, no way in hell do I think men's clothes are more comfortable. I mean, I love wearing her clothes, but that's just my right as a femme

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I (22F) have been out and happily a lesbian for 6 years. Everyone in my life knows. Yesterday at dinner at a pub, a group of young 20-something girls sat at the table across from us. My dad turned to my brother and whispered, "Look at that hot group of girls." I was instantly disgusted and said, "WTF, they look like college freshmen, they're basically children to you." He immediately got defensive and went, "I was JUST JOKING! All the guys at my work make way worse comments about young girls, I'm actually the good guy here because I usually think of them as your age, but most men do it."I told him it's disgusting how men constantly objectify women no matter where they are. He immediately snapped and started ranting about "feminist BS," telling me, "You'll change your mind when you finally bring home the right guy."

I reminded him, "I am NEVER bringing home a guy. I'm a

lesbian. I've been out for SIX YEARS."Then he said I'm only saying that because I've been brainwashed by "radical feminism" and have "a prejudice against men," and that I just haven't met a man good enough to fix my attitude yet. I feel so invalidated and mad. After 6 years of being out and happy, my own dad still sees my entire sexuality as just a political phase because he can't accept that women don't exist for men. It hurts so much that he doesn't even know who I am.

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I’ve had several severely unstable relationships in my life, where I lost all sense of self in the relationship and only saw them. I’ve been working on myself a lot in order to be better for myself, but recently I got a new girlfriend after about 8 months of being successful on my own. We’ve had an amazing relationship and we really love each other. Last night, I realized I had fallen into the old habits of losing myself in her. I told her about it and she agreed that i needed to work on it more and suggested that she pull back from the relationship, at least for a little. I didn’t find it necessary but I think she did anyway because while she texted me good morning she hasn’t said anything since. I was really upset last night, in so much distress because I thought this would be the end, and i’m still not convinced it won’t be. I had an amazing day today, working on loving myself, and my mood was through the roof (talk about sudden mood swings). I feel like if I can keep this up, I can keep our relationship healthy. She was crying last night because it hurt her to see me in so much pain. I want to apologize to her. It’s her birthday tomorrow too. I want to show her that I can be my own person, because I know that I can, I just had a really bad night, and I kind of took it out on her. I would completely understand if she broke up with me for this though, it’s her right and I want her to do what’s best for herself, because I love her. Anyway I’m rambling, any thoughts on the situation would be appreciated.

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Nameless Flowers, Ono Tako, Illustration, 2020

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Girls are so beautiful. I look at them on the internet and imagine myself with them.

I long for the touch of a woman. I want to straddle her on the couch and make out while we explore each other’s bodies with our hands. I want to feel and see what’s under her shirt. I need her to finger me until we know for sure that I came. I want to cuddle for the rest of my life. She can be my own personal pillow and comfort human.

If a girl and I ever start kissing, I’ll never be able to stop on my own. My hands are restless: they surely won’t stay in the same place the whole time.

I was horny before writing this post, and I still am. I think my labia hardened and swelled? Btw how can I respectfully find out whether or not my gorgeous, friendly coworker is attracted to women? I was recently fantasizing about her pinning me against a wall at work and kissing me, and reversing roles in her car. I’ve never even been in her car.

Anyway, I’m tired. I love women’s bodies. I used to hate the word body, but now I think it’s so sexy. As long as it’s talking about a woman ofc.

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hopefully this posts and the title is long enough 🥲 i’m new to reddit i’m sorry

i’ve had pcos since i was in high school and the hair on my body has grown even more (30 F). I’ve felt so insecure about it my whole life even when it was just arm hair and my ladystache when i was growing up… but now i just feel ehh like no one would like the amount of hair i have now. i have hair on every part you can think of. i’ve shaved and waxed ofc but at this point im tired of doing all that. i feel like no one would like me in a romantic way once they see how hairy i am. i know some ppl are gonna say “who cares body hair is beautiful” yes i agree, i like it on other women but when it comes to ME, on my body.. i hate it 🫩 i want to get out there and try to find someone who i can be with casually but then i stop myself cus of my insecurity. do you guys care about that in a partner? am i just toooooo in my head to the point that im self sabotaging? idkidkidk

A few replies that stood out:

Bloody_walnuts: Again, lesbians are not a monolith. Some like it, some don’t, and some don’t care either way

Ganjacookiies: Yeah I relate to ME not wanting body hair but it's not a bother to me AT ALL on others

Hollownix: I don't shave my legs/armpits, my gf says she finds it attractive. She herself is arab and has very thick, dark hair and has stopped shaving it too since we got together, I like the look of it. I also admire it because it shows that she isn't beholden to patriarchal beauty standards lol, I think women shouldn't be ashamed of hair that naturally grows on their bodies

FenixBailey: Clearly, some women don't mind body hair and some do. Find yourself a woman who enjoys your hairy body and you'll be fine.

Dependent_Bug_3481: I find women who grow out their body hair to be extremely attractive, plus I admire their confidence.

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can anyone recommend any good gay pirate books? bonus points if the plot is good and there’s good amount of spice

Some replies worth sharing:

Winnet_Stonejar: Pirates of Aletharia by Britney Jackson fits the bill! Depending on what you mean by “good”, this is definitely more of a light, beach read than poetic prose or literary fiction, but it’s a fun time. It has a sequel too, Goddess of the Sea.

Difficult_Spare_530: Second Aletharia Compass Rose by Anna Burke is my second favourite. It's less swashbucklery and a touch more political

ConclusionCreative95: A Pirate’s Life for Tea

Doughe29: Shell Game by Benny Lawrence (but I think spice is mostly closed door)

BiscayBay: Of Tides and Snow by Darva Green. A runaway priestess and a pirate with a curse. Romance with fantasy, plenty of spice. It’s also a Snow White retelling.

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First day of uni fit!

Felt very lesbian on my first day, and sadly you can’t really see it but I also wore a bracelet with the lesbian flag colors my sister made me!

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Teaching Your Bestie to Kiss by Araneapeixes

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Avoidants; can you please explain how you spend years of your life loving someone and deeply connecting with them, making them feel like the center of your universe and then just abruptly ending it one day? How does that work? Do you feel sad after? Do you care? Do you miss them? Do you ever think about going back or want to go back to the person who saw you the most or do you stick with an easier option? Is the love not worth being truly vulnerable to you or is the need for self-preservation always stronger? Do you ever grow out of it? (genuinely asking).

I'm not sure how to get into the nuance of this non-relationship but in short, I think we both saw each other too deeply. We forced each other to reckon with the hardest, most hidden parts of ourselves. Which also means we constantly triggered each other. I think neither one of us was expecting or ready for that type of connection. I was ready and open to facing those battles and growing together but ultimately she wasn't willing to give anything a real try so we never stood a chance and it became an unproductive cycle. I've dated many women and have been in a long term relationship before but I can positively say I've never experienced this type of love with anyone else (not even my ex gf of multiple years) and I'm not sure I ever will, which is okay, I know all loves are different. I just...can't quite come to terms with the fact of (permanently?) losing what feels like a once-in-a-lifetime type of connection. I lost my best friend. Maybe because she's too scared or too avoidant or too confused or too jaded? She thinks she knows how our story will end. She thinks she's protecting herself. I think she's depriving herself. I think she's depriving both of us. I know it's not necessarily about me, but it makes me feel so unimportant. Idk, maybe I'm just delusional. And that's the worst part, I was there - I experienced her love, I know it was real love. I know what it felt like between us, even when we said we were friends and kept doing not-friend things together. We were literally doing life together. We've seen each other at our lowest moments. But she pushed me away so hard and towards the end just completely tried to act like it was never there. Now I constantly gaslight myself that maybe I made it all up and it's always been one sided and I'm just crazy but I don't think so. Being discarded by an avoidant is somehow much worse than a break up because there is zero clarity and zero closure. You're just subject to one person's self-destruction, no matter how skewed the perspective is or how much it hurts and all you can do is sit and watch. Anyway we've separated now...it didn't end well. We're no contact. I didn't even get a face to face conversation lol, years of my life gone and all I got was a text. I lashed out because I wanted her to hurt as much as I was(not my proudest moment). It's been a few weeks but I've never felt so disposable in my entire life, it's been humbling to say the least. I'm in therapy twice a week now - focusing on myself, building my home and career. The last little capacity I had for any type of unconditional love went to her, and that's over now so I'm not sure there's any left for anyone but me anymore. I would've never expected my late 20s to look or feel anything like this. I know I'm young but I've experienced a lot in my short life already and it's exhaustingly overwhelming at times.

There's not one single day since we went no contact that I have not thought about her or missed her. I pray for her every day, she shows up in my dreams. It's so extremely jarring. I guess there's no real point to this post, and sorry if it reads as whiny. I just wanted to share and see if anyone else has experienced this, and if/how you got through it and how long it took. Did you try to reconcile after some time and growth or did you stay no contact? Don't get me wrong, I've experienced heartbreak and loss before, I am fine and I know I'll be fine but I genuinely feel like I'll miss this girl forever, not in a regular way but in a 'part of me is missing' kind of way. (pls be nice, I got a lotttt going on right now lol 🫠)

Some replies that stood out:

Joylar7: The deep fear of losing autonomy. The suffocating feeling causes a lot of anxiety and panic. Withdraw and relief hits. But then enough time passes and relief turns to regret over ruining another bond Can be fixed by showing up for people in little ways and feeling safe. And forming new neural pathways

Kakallas: Don’t romanticize “being willing to stay together and face those battles.” That too can be a sign of problems and relationship issues in you. The best relationship to “fight for” is a long-term, mature, committed one, where you’re both generally on the same page. You shouldn’t be “fighting for” a relationship that is a bunch of drama, that the other person doesn’t want to be in or want the same things, and that you’re just afraid to let go of and you call it “willing to do anything!”

Atmospheremuk: Maybe what I'm about to tell you will make things worse or give you false hope. I ended a relationship with that very thought: "I already know how it's all gonna end so..." I was the one who didn't wanna give the relationship another chance, and I just moved on with my life. But God knows how much I miss that woman every single day... I love her with all my soul and even though we're out of contact, I still wait for her with open arms (I know it's ridiculous). But she told me she was unhappy, and from that moment I disconnected and went into walkaway mode with my heart in my hand. So yes, I love her, I miss her, I wait for her, and I wish her all the beautiful things in this world. It's not always like that, but it happened in my case.

Emergency_Weather308: no cause how do you genuinely feel comfortable just cutting someone off and giving them no explanation when you put in just as much as they did js to say it was "casual" to anyone who aks??

Cuntliflower: ooh yeah, was also discarded by an avoidant. I’m so serious I think it traumatized me in a way, and some days I feel so jaded and like I’ll never let someone do that to me again, but deep down I am a hopeless romantic and no one can take that from me.

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I have a severe learning disability that significantly impacts my life. I also have a chronic illness that makes me sensitive to things that don’t bother most people (sunlight, warm weather, alcohol, most casual dining foods, etc). I have been diagnosed, learned to live with it all, and have accommodations at work and school.

I don’t list on apps that I have a learning disability that requires accommodations or a chronic illness that requires routine doctor and hospital visits. I don’t want to hide anything but I also don’t want to trauma dump on some nice lady either. I spent some time on the Lex app and it’s full of people who immediately list every single illness or neurodivergence of theirs in their profile which I personally find off-putting and don’t want to do that either. I know about apps like Dateability but it’s not for me and not queer focused.

I’m almost 40 and just want to have fun, date and find my person! I’m already a middle aged late bloomer, so I don’t want to scare another woman away before I get a chance to show her I’m so much more than my inability to drive or stand in the summer sun for 10 minutes without fainting lol

I’m not ashamed to be disabled but it can be lonely and isolating, especially as a lesbian. How and when do I bring this stuff up in a casual, normal way that doesn’t sound like “woe is me”?

Here are some replies:

MyEnchantedForest: I'm disabled too. I've considered if I write up a dating profile, I might just make a quick reference, like disabled and living my best life or something. Details can come later, but it's such a big part of my life that I don't want to even begin the talking stages with someone who isn't disability friendly.

DisastrousMiddle4291: I too find it hard to know at what point disclosing my disability is appropriate. I have several significant disabilities (spinal injuries) that came on in the last few years and before that I led a very "normal" active and successful life, so internally I feel like I'm always trying to prove myself. I find myself speaking to new people from who I was and not as much who I am. It's hard to say things about the fact I don't work while also holding the truth that I used to have a high earning career and was top in my field. It's also difficult to present as a writer and artist to people my age (40s) who view that more as a cop out than an occupation. The fact that I need a wheel chair most of the time, and it is hard for me to sit or stand for any period of time, seems to covey to people that I am lazy or won't be interested in doing things. It also seems to trigger a cascade of questions people don't want to ask about sexual functions, continence, and myriad other considerations about dependencies. I don't want to list it all over my profile because I don't feel like it's my core identity, and I feel entitled to privacy. But telling people only after they show interest feels like doing a bait and switch. I tried including photos of me in my wheelchair out and about to prove that I can be fun but also that is kind of a lie because when I'm out and about, it takes me a week or more to recover. It is really exhausting trying to figure out the best possible way to be honest, without seeming like it's the only thing I have going for me. At the end of the day, I feel the the battle against internal abelism is something that we can't really win unless a person has the life experience to truly understand. And honestly, I think that applies to pretty much everyone disabled or not. Pretty much everyone has something that needs accomodations (work hours, finances, family, etc) but when you tack disability on to it, suddenly there's a lot of judgements that don't need to exist.

Pomegranate_Glass: When I was dating, I was really open about my disabilities/chronic illnesses on my profile simply because I didn't want to bother with people who were awful about it. I thought of it as a decent initial filter. However, some of my disabilities are obvious (I use a cane/crutches, and sometimes a wheelchair), so I don't know if that factors into it.

Pumpkinspicenever: I have my allergy disclosed in my bio since it has been a deal breaker for some people (whoever I date will have to give it up fully and I’d rather weed those folks out quickly). My other chronic issues I wait to see if we click as I manage them myself and value my privacy, they aren’t need to know for most people. I think it varies by person unfortunately, and maybe bringing it up when discussing a date location could be a good work around (I decline coffee/bakery dates immediately, for example).

Ok-Cranberry-2421: I'm really up front about certain aspects of these things because I am trying to avoid flares as much as possible all the time and that requires a certain level of disclosure. My safety always comes first. I don't need to list off diagnoses for this, but something like "I have conditions and that comes with some limitations/cautions that must be adhered to, and I listen to my body really well to keep myself in better health". So planning will always include that. If I get to know the person, then they can know more about the details (and they will, if they last that long) If someone can't handle me with the basics, then they aren't going to last anyways. So no use really delaying the basic practicalities of life. But there's also no need to waste time with anyone who isn't disability friendly and respectful

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My girlfriend 25f and I 25f were having sex earlier today and I froze. She was on top of me and I suddenly couldn't move or think straight. I felt lightheaded and confused. I couldn't speak or move or really do anything. Luckily, I have the best girlfriend in the entire world and she always knows when something is wrong. She noticed right away and immediately stopped what she was doing. She told me that it was okay and she did some breathing exercises with me until I felt okay again.

This happened to me once before and it was a very similar situation. My girlfriend was on top of me and I froze. Except that time I started uncontrollably sobbing. Last time I ran away and shut my girlfriend out because I was so embarrassed. That was not the right thing to do. She was worried about me and it made her feel like she did something wrong. This time I stayed and we cuddled for a bit. She asked me if I wanted to talk about it and i told her that I do but not right now. I was so emotionally exhausted and I couldn't deal with that conversation at the moment.

It's so frustrating. Last time it happened I thought it was going to be a one time thing. I really didn't expect this to happen again. I know my girlfriend told me that it's okay but I'm still embarrassed about it. It's annoying. I don't know what's causing it. I do have trauma but not sexual trauma. Also, last time this happened my girlfriend and I came up with a safe word that I could use but I couldn't get a single word out this time, so it didn't really work. I guess we'll have to find something else that would work in case this happens again. I really hope it doesn't happen again. I feel so frustrated and annoyed at myself right now. Like why can't I just be normal.

From the comments:

Obisidianshard: This has happened to me! It’s good that your girlfriend is comfortable and patient with you. You think that your girlfriend providing you with that comfort and patience will help create a space that feels safe for you? I know it takes a while for me to feel safe. You have to be patient with yourself as well. Feeling frustrated with yourself isn’t going to make managing the freezing easier! What can you do to feel more safe during sex?

Disastrous-Ad-1167: Hey girlypop (she said, in a gender-inclusive sorta way)— living with trauma is normal, and you’re okay. Let go of all that self-judgement, annoyance, and frustration as best you can. This is just part of a healing path, and lookie lookie—second time, and you’re already A) communicating your needs B) accepting cuddle support C) doing relationship aftercare. You’re learning so fast! I’m so glad you have a supportive gf that will notice, help you breathe, and slow things down. I hope that through her example, you will learn how to provide these same tools for yourself. Good sex is often healing sex, and healing can bring things up to the surface that we didn’t even know were there. This has happened to me! You’re not alone. Were you on your back both times it happened? I’ve seen that position be a biggie for trauma responses/dissociation spells to come up. Maybe you don’t do that position as often for a while, or if she’s on top, have yourself propped up on some pillows a bit + knees bent (maybe) so your body feels a little more supported as an active participant. Living with trauma is an art and a healing craft. You’re on your way. Don’t let shame cloud the mirror of what is otherwise a learning experience about your own body with someone whom you love and trust. (Oh, and PS, therapy of course. Get some supports if they’re not already part of your life!)

Mysterious-League241: This hasn't happened to me during sex but there have been a small handful of times in my life that I started crying for no reason and my therapist said it was my nervous system regulating itself. Idk if that's helpful, if maybe you had any strong emotions that were under the surface and came up, I couldn't say for sure but wanted to throw my 2 cents in. Also just want to say I'm so glad you have a gf who immediately can recognize when something is wrong and be so supportive for you 💚 green flags!

TrainingNail: Trauma response! It’ll pass, be kind to yourself. You have to do therapy

Lucy_4_8_15_16: Alternative for a safe word that I use cuz I also freeze very easily especially while doing oral stuff with my partner (cuz it’s basically redoing my childhood trauma) is holding her hand and pulsing it if I freeze I either let go or squeeze or mess up the pulsing in some other way which for her means pull my head up and check in on me maybe something similar could work for you?

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My girlfriend (26F) and I (25F) have been together for almost four years and live together. This has been a recurring issue in our relationship, and I’m reaching a point where I genuinely can’t tell whether I’m asking for too much, being needy, being taken for granted, or whether we’re simply incompatible.

I want quality time with my partner. Not 24/7, and honestly not even elaborate dates. I have my own friends, family, hobbies, interests, and I value alone time. I just want to feel like spending time with me is something she actually wants and prioritizes.

The problem is that she constantly seems to be looking for the next thing to do. Friends, bars, parties, plans, going out. She has admitted herself that she struggles to sit with her emotions and tends to avoid them by keeping herself busy. Drinking is also a big part of her social life. She frequently drinks when she goes out, including during the week, and sometimes comes home drunk. Meanwhile, I’ve been changing my own lifestyle and limiting alcohol significantly. I feel like I don’t have a present partner.

We recently reached a breaking point and actually broke up for a day. We got back together after having what I thought was one of the most constructive conversations we’ve ever had. We both acknowledged things we needed to work on. I know relationships go both ways, and I know there are things about my own behavior that I need to improve too.

I created documents for us with relationship commitments and biweekly check-ins where we could talk about what we appreciated, what hurt us, what we needed more of, etc. I specifically asked her to make her own commitment/feedback document for me because I genuinely wanted to understand what I* could do better and fight for our relationship.

Two weeks later, she still hadn’t done it. She had actually forgotten about it until I reminded her. What hurt even more was that immediately after our breakup/reconciliation and this huge conversation about our relationship, she went right back to going out (the same day, the next day and the day after) and drinking with friends. It felt like this enormous thing had happened between us and she didn’t even stop long enough to process it.

Since our one-day breakup and reconciliation two weeks ago, I would estimate she has hung out with friends around 9–10 times in 14 days. She has intentionally spent quality time with me maybe once.

Yes, I’m currently on leave from work, so naturally I have more free time than she does. I understand that. But I’m not expecting her to fill my free time. What bothers me is watching her consistently *make time for everyone else while I feel scared to even ask for some of hers.

And when I do initiate things, it’s frequently, “I can’t, I have XYZ,” or she already has plans. Sometimes she genuinely is busy, and I completely understand that. But after this happens repeatedly, I start feeling like I’m asking someone to squeeze me into a life that doesn’t really have room for me.

I don’t even need fancy dates. I would be happy playing a board game together, having a picnic after work, watching something together, going for a walk, cooking, or just talking. Mundane relationship stuff.

Instead, I often feel like I get whatever time is left over.

Sometimes she’ll spend time with me when other plans fall through, usually during the week, or when she’s extremely hungover and doesn’t want to go anywhere. Weekends almost always seem to belong to friends and going out.

At this point, that feels like crumbs.

Don’t get me wrong I like going out as well. I just don’t want to do that every single time. I also don’t want to be hanging with her friends all the time either. I want to feel like I have a partner.

The confusing part is that she tells me she loves me and prioritizes me. She tells me, “You need to open up more. Talk to me. I’m here for you.” But when I actually open up, I feel like I get 5–10 minutes of attention before her mind is somewhere else or she’s getting ready for another plan.

Sometimes she’ll be leaving and ask, “Is it okay if I go? I feel bad leaving you here.”

While I appreciate her checking in. I would like some initiative to stay home and be there for me. I would never tell her no, but I would tell her it would be nice to have her here.

She’ll also tell me, “Call me if you need anything. I’ll come home if you need me.”

But there have a few been times when I’ve actually said, “I really need you tonight. I’d like you to come home,” and suddenly there are a thousand reasons she can’t: “I never see these girls,” “I don’t get to party with them often,” “I already said I’d hang out with XYZ,” etc.

Eventually I just give up asking.

I’m also going through an extremely difficult period in my personal life right now and recently hit a mental-health low. I am in therapy, I work on myself, I talk to other people and I’m trying to deal with the things happening around me that I cannot control. I am mostly doing well internally. I am holding up and have been. But this relationship has also been a big toll on me.

But this has made me realize how desperately lonely I feel inside my own relationship. Especially in times of crises. Idk..

What’s especially painful is that she is capable of going above and beyond for people she loves. Yesterday she was talking about driving out of town (2h drive each way) to be with her best friend who is struggling with anxiety. And genuinely, I think that’s wonderful. That’s what friends should do for each other.

My hurt isn’t, “Why are you helping your friend?” It’s: Why don’t I experience that version of you? She will rearrange things, travel, show up, and make sacrifices when someone else needs her. Meanwhile, I’ve been in situations where I desperately needed emotional support from my partner and still felt like going out or seeing other people took priority.

She also talks about wanting to feel “chosen” by her friends and wanting to be someone’s person. And part of me thinks: I have been choosing you this entire time.

I wish she had FOMO about missing time with me sometimes. I wish she sought me out the way she seeks everyone else. I wish I didn’t feel like the safe person waiting at home while she searches for validation, stimulation, parties, and connection everywhere else.

And I don’t want her isolated from her friends. I don’t want to control where she goes. I don’t expect her to stop having a social life or make me her entire world.

I just want to feel like I’m actually one of her priorities.

I’m exhausted from communicating the same need, hearing that things will change, and then watching the same pattern return. This isn’t something that started two weeks ago. It has been a recurring problem in our relationship. I’m starting to wonder whether the issue isn’t that either of us is necessarily “wrong.” Maybe she genuinely wants a lifestyle where she’s constantly socializing, going out, drinking, and seeking new experiences, and maybe I want a relationship with more intentional quality time, presence, stability, and emotional availability.

Maybe she loves me but doesn’t currently have the space or desire to maintain the kind of relationship I need.

And if that’s the truth, I would rather know it than keep fighting to convince someone to spend time with me.

I feel unheard, unimportant, anxious, and incredibly lonely. I’m tired of feeling like I have to beg my own girlfriend to choose me.

So I genuinely want outside perspectives:

Am I expecting too much from a long-term partner? Does this sound needy or controlling? Or does this sound like a legitimate incompatibility/lack of prioritization that I need to stop trying to fix?

EDIT: Thank you for all your support. I also wanted to clarify one this; for the document, it is a shared document about our relationship check-ins. It is mutual, both me and her. She loved the idea of it and even said that it was healthy. She even recommended adding a 30 mins timer while we sit down and have a check-in conversation so we don’t go over it over and over.

Now the other doc/note I requested for her to make was simply a list of my own behaviours that affects her in our relationship.

I needed it in writing because I learn and take information much better this way. This note includes my own ways of behaving, certain examples and what I could do better to improve to make her feel safe, heard and happier.

TLDR:  My (25F) girlfriend (26F) of ~4 years prioritizes friends, going out, and drinking far more than spending intentional time with me. I don’t need constant attention, just consistent quality time and emotional presence, but I often feel like an afterthought. We’ve talked about it many times, briefly improve, then fall back into the same pattern. I feel lonely, unsupported, and unsure if I’m being needy or if we’re just fundamentally incompatible in what we want from a relationship.

A few replies that stood out:

Kakallas: I think people who make documents for their partners to follow get lost in the fact that they believe their partner objectively has things to improve so they are correct to try to “hold them accountable” and miss the fact that no healthy relationship has this dynamic. You’re not her life coach. You can’t hold her accountable. Live your life with someone you currently want to partner with, not with someone you hope becomes the partner you want.

Heretwonotparty: You sound burnt out. The asking and then nothing changes. I promise you there's a relationship for you out there that will fulfill you in a way that never feels like you're asking too much. But this ain't it girl

Impossible-View-7411: I can feel your pain through the screen. It honestly sounds like it’s a comparability issue, or maybe it started as a lack of alignment that’s become cemented into place now. I get it. My take is that your gf doesn’t want to prioritize you. It sucks. It really does. But either she is prioritizing everything else cuz she’s taking for granted that you’ll never leave her, or she’s saying that she wants to give you what you need but not actually feeling that impulse inside, maybe even hiding that lack of desire to choose you from herself. Either way, there are only two ways you’re going to get out of a static situation that is draining you and weighing down your days: 1. Leave. When she asks why, say that you are unhappy, have communicated her role in that to her, and there has been no change. So since you have no ability or right to address her role, you’re addressing your own. 2. Make all decisions as though she’s signed a contract saying she won’t change her behavior. Whatever that means for you. Be honest and direct, but prioritize yourself.

MysteriousTable2572: If you still want to be with her, you’ll have to accept maybe this is her. Having a document only pushes her away actually. Maybe just spend much more time with your friends and yourself, and stop counting days or weeks. You don’t have to make a decision about whether you want to break up, just live your life without her first.

Rashonmyass: I had a similar issue in my previous relationship. My gf always wanted to go out and party every night. No matter how much I hated it I wasn’t ever going to force her to stop because it must have made her happy. I however, so desperately just wanted quality time together. Luckily my gf was able to compromise with me, and she did put an effort to go on a date once a week. But it didn’t change the fact we desired to live completely different lifestyles. No matter how much we loved each other there was this constant friction because my lifestyle pulled me to go one way, and her lifestyle pulled her another way. I think it’s ok to accept the fact that you really love and care for your gf, but maybe you are not compatible in the ways that you need to be. For instance your weekly checkin sheet, I made something very similar during my relationship when I felt like we both needed a better understanding of where we were at in the relationship. Lmao maybe both of our gfs didn’t take it as seriously as we wished they would, but there is some one out there who does appreciate those things (ppl like me). And there are ppl out there like your gf who just care about their social life and nothing else. What I’m saying is sometimes love is not enough, and you have to step back and realize maybe you’re just way too different and that’s ok, but it doesn’t mean you should force yourself to be together. Maybe you’re better off dating someone with the same values, and same goes with your gf.

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