Trying to convince femme to be more masc?
I (21F) was dating a girl (20F) for the past two months who I met through Hinge. We mutually decided to call things off today because our dynamic just wasn’t working for either of us and ultimately, we realised we were looking for different things romantically.
When we first started messaging a couple of months ago, she asked me pretty much straight away, “What is your type?”. I told her that I was femme-for-femme and that I generally go for “girls with dark hair but personality is more important to me.” She told me that her type was also femmes and joked that I was “definitely her type.” I thought this girl was absolutely gorgeous and the fact that she was explicitly femme-for-femme made me feel like I had absolutely hit the jackpot.
Our first date rolled around and I genuinely had a great time. We grabbed matcha, sat in a park and talked for hours, went to the aquarium, got some dinner and then shared a kiss goodbye. There was just one thing that rubbed me the wrong way: during the date, she told me that she “never would have guessed that I was a lesbian by looking at me.”
I laughed it off because, as a traditionally feminine girl, it’s something I’m fairly used to hearing. I understand that I don’t exactly fit the stereotypical image of what a lesbian is “supposed” to look like. I love wearing a full face of glam makeup, having my hair styled every day, I have lip filler, I always have a gel manicure and I practically live in skirts.
However, she persistently made little comments about me looking “straight” throughout the date. At one point, she said the outfit I had chosen “gave straight girl” (I was wearing a babydoll top, mini skirt and calf boots). It seemed a little out of left field for her to be so taken aback by how feminine I was, especially considering I didn’t exactly hide the fact that I was a very girly femme on my Hinge profile or social media.
And, for context, she herself is a feminine girl and described herself as a “femme”, although I would say she presents herself in a way that is more stereotypically “lesbian” than I do.
This quickly became a recurring theme in our conversations. She would make comments about how “feminine” I was whenever we talked. On our second date, she even joked that I “needed to work on looking more gay.” She tried convincing me to get more tattoos, an eyebrow slit, facial piercings, a pair of jorts, etc. - none of which feel very “me” at all. (Although, admittedly, I did buy myself a pair of jorts after that conversation.)
About a month or so into dating her, we were on the phone talking about season 2 of the British lesbian dating show I Kissed a Girl. We were joking about which contestants we thought were attractive and I was a little confused because all of the people she was attracted to were very much masc-presenting lesbians - Ebony, Almayra and Pippa. I jokingly pointed out that she had initially told me her type was femmes and she responded, “Oh no, my type is girls who are a mix of masculine and feminine.”
Personally, I would describe myself as femme-for-femme and I’m exclusively attracted to femininity. But I completely understand that people don’t necessarily adhere rigidly to labels and that it’s entirely possible to be attracted to someone outside of your usual “type.” I wouldn’t normally feel insecure about something like this. However, when I put it together with the rest of her behaviour, I started to wonder whether she was actually attracted to me or whether she wanted to mould me into something closer to her type.
Am I being dramatic for feeling like she led me to believe she was femme-for-femme when she actually wasn’t?
The whole situation started to make me feel down on myself. People in my life being shocked when they find out I’m a lesbian because of how I look is not out of the ordinary. I’m normally very proud of my femininity and I feel like it’s a genuine part of my identity as a lesbian. I also don’t usually feel like I have to “prove” my lesbianism to anyone because I’ve known I was attracted to girls since I was conscious!
However, it does sting when you’re hearing that come from someone you’re romantically attracted to. I found myself consciously wanting to change the way I presented myself for this girl because I genuinely loved spending time with her and she was absolutely my physical type. I started questioning something about myself that I had always felt completely comfortable with.
Have any other femmes had similar experiences, where a romantic partner has made you feel like you should present yourself in a more masculine or stereotypically “lesbian” way?
Highlights from the comments:
WorldlyAd4407: I’m not femme personally, but dude that is so shitty of her. Keep dressing however the fuck you want
Luna_lovesword: I’m a femme, and I’m into feminine girls! Dresses, long hair, pretty shoes, makeup, blouses, miniskirts, fairies 🧚🏻♀️ — those are all things I absolutely adore, both on myself and on other women ♥️♥️♥️ Just be yourself, be a girly girl, that’s so rare now in the lesbian community (soooo soooo sad to me)
TeaNatural: i’ve alwayss felt this way like i had to mold myself into something specific for the girls i dated especially being femme for femme. I think you should truthfully follow your gut and if she’s pushing you to dress one way be honest and end it with her. she should know what she’s doing even if she’s doing it unconsciously.
Gigibananas: i’ve had a similar ish experience? I guess you’d say I’m a mixture between feminine and masculine when me and my ex would go out for dinner or something and I try to dress up nice put earrings and put make-up on and stuff. She’d always put me down she never said I looked pretty she was actually really mean to me looking back at it. My partner now doesn’t mind if I dress more femme or more masc and when I do dress femme she really hypes me up. She buys me lovely jewellery and if I do my make-up, she will always say how nice I look. it makes me want to dress up more, so much ive evern started to buy dresses I think some people have an image in their head of what they want you to look like and it’s really damaging to be with someone like that
Ace-writer: This girl asked you to change how you dress away from the stuff you like wearing for her, after having told you that she liked how you dressed in order to get you out on a date. She has repeatedly criticized your fashion choices and appearance, said the number one most offensive bs homophobes like to say to femmes to make all nearby lesbians uncomfortable. she's gay, she goddamn knows that's a fucking insult. About a month in, and she's already making you feel unattractive and insecure, and doesn't seem to care that her words are hurtful Also I call complete fucking bullshit on 'looking too straight,' both as a concept and as something that happens when you dress femme. the fuck does she want you to do? add more pride pins? dress exclusively in rainbows? get an undercut or a fucking mullet? write I'm gay on your forehead in eyeliner? I always say to try talking it out at least once, telling her how you feel and explaining your side of things. I'm still going to say it, but if she gaslights you, tries to claim she never claimed you were her type, or doubles down on any of the shitty comments, dump her and run.
Originally shared by Phoebxe on r/actuallesbians on August 13th, 2026 at 10:29 PM UTC.
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