Is sexual incompatibility a valid reason to break up?
Genuinely need advice. My gf and I (both 20 and lesbians) have been dating for 1.5 years. At the start, we were both very physically intimate, but it has become clear that something may have changed, and we have extremely different libidos. She is happy to be intimate maybe once every 3 months, whereas I desire physical intimacy more often. So, I stopped initiating, and sex has reduced significantly/is non-existent. This has left me feeling undesirable. Even though she has never done anything to make me think this, I have a sort of nagging feeling that on the rare occasions that we are intimate, she only does it because I like it, which I don't want, because I want her to be comfortable and passionate. We have talked about it before- I have asked her if anything has happened for this to change and if she's comfortable, and she assures me she's okay and wants to be intimate, but I don't think she's being completely honest.
Over the year, I have started to think that she may be on the asexual spectrum, and I want to be able to support her, because I love her, but at the same time, I can't picture myself in a long-term relationship with no physical intimacy ever again. I don't really know what to do, because I love her and want to be with her, but I find it hard to let go of the start of the relationship when the attraction felt mutual and not one-sided, and the change is beginning to hurt me. It's less about sex, more about feeling desired. I can't make her want me more, and I can't want her less.
Is this a valid way to word things if/when we have a conversation about it? (Obviously wouldn't be the same cause it would be a conversation, but this kind of way of speaking. Sorry its long) Any other advice would be great too.
I’ve been finding this really hard to put into words, but I know I’ve been hurting for a long time, and I think you know what it’s about. Over many months, there have been many times when I’ve felt like we have different expectations about how we want to give and receive love from each other. I want my future to be with you, but I also can’t keep pretending that it doesn’t hurt me that we don’t feel the same way about elements of our relationship.
In particular, I want to focus on our expectations for physical intimacy and what that means to each other, because I miss feeling desired by the person I love.
Wanting to be intimate with the girl that I love shouldn’t make me feel sad, but it does. It used to feel like you wanted me so passionately, but we haven’t had that in a long time. I will never forget when you told me that “no matter how much you want to, I just can’t make you feel anything”. I know you say you didn’t mean it that way, but ever since that day last year, things have never been the same. What should a girl do when the person they love says this to them? Because ever since then, I've struggled to feel wanted in the way I used to. And I don’t want you to be physically intimate with me just to try to please me; I want you to be comfortable, and I want you to want me. A relationship without mutual desire is lonely. You haven’t done anything wrong— you just need emotional intimacy, but not physical; I need both.
Because it’s not about just being physical; for me, it is about a deep level of intimacy, connection, trust, passion and loving each other. For me, emotional understanding and connection are strengthened by the act of our bodies being entwined, and making each other feel good when we are at our most vulnerable. I want to be vulnerable with you, in more ways than emotionally. I want to experience that level of connection with you. That feeling is important to me, and I can’t pretend that it’s not. But even when we used to be intimate, sometimes it could seem as though it was more of a chore to you than an act of love.
It's nobody's fault, but I haven’t experienced passionate intimacy with you like we used to in probably almost 10 months. It’s not fair to you to ask you to want me on all the same levels I want you, but it’s hurting me to try to let the hope of experiencing that connection again go. I can’t let go of the way it felt to be wanted by you. And it’s not from lack of trying— at first I tried everything I could to make you want me again, then I tried to suppress the way I felt or tell myself I didn’t need it, but I can’t change the fact that I do have a libido. And you tried to change for me, too, and that only hurt you as well. The last thing I want is for you to feel as though you have to do things you don’t want to do to just please me.
So, there comes a point where we have to face the fact that maybe we aren’t sexually compatible. Of course, it’s not nearly the most important thing in a relationship— but it’s still a thing. I feel undesirable and like you’re not attracted to me on that level, and you feel like I put too much emphasis on being physical, even though we haven’t been in many months. It hurts. I know we had a conversation about this, about having a break from intimacy, a while ago, which we are having, and you seem content with this arrangement, but I am unfulfilled. I miss feeling that you want me. I have expressed the way I feel a few times over almost a whole year, and nothing ever really changes— because it can’t— I can’t change the fact that I find all levels of intimacy (emotional and physical) important in a relationship, and you can’t change the way you feel either. If I thought either of our feelings would change with time, things would be different, but to be honest, I don’t think that they will. I can’t see myself feeling fulfilled completely in a long-term romantic relationship with the passion of physical element not there, and I don’t think you feel the same. And that’s okay, it's nobody's fault, but we can’t continue this way— no matter what we do, one of us is unhappy.
Even though I love you so much, I am unhappy. I love so many things about you. [I would talk here about reasons that I love her to do with non-physical things, but I don't want to share those here on reddit]. I love feeling your steady hands on me. I miss feeling your hands on me.
So even though I love you more than anyone else, I think we need to have a serious conversation about possible solutions. I don’t know exactly what that would look like, and I can’t tell if bringing this up is the wrong decision because I love you so much, and I don’t want to lose you. To be honest, I don't know if there is a solution, but I think we owe it to ourselves to talk honestly about it.
BasicMain5633: You can break up for whatever reason. If things aren't working out on your end, then do what you feel is right for yourself
No-but-wtf: I have had to have this break up. It sucks, it was awful, but it was the right thing to do. She eventually married another ace girl and I found someone who wants the physical side as much as I do. We’ll always have love for each other but we weren’t each other’s forever people, and that’s fine. Even if it hurt to realise it at the time. Staying in an ace relationship for too long when I am very much not ace was also really really bad for me mentally. I felt untouchable, I felt like no one would want to have sex with me. It really gave me some hangups. If I knew then what I know now, I probably would’ve broken up with her earlier.
Kittycachow: You can end a relationship for any reason anyone who says otherwise is toxic
TwoTrucksPayingTaxes: We only have one life to live. A relationship doesn't have to be bad to not be the right fit for us. If it's not fulfilling, ending it is a good thing to do.
Judgementalpipsqueak: You can break up with anyone for any reason so yeah, it's a completely valid reason.
Originally shared by Anonymous_Me393939 on r/LesbianActually on June 18th, 2026 at 1:19 PM UTC.
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