Actual Lesbians

i’ve always heard that your first lesbian situationship/relationship will ruin you and for some reason i thought i was an exception. i guess not!! i was talking to this girl who i was interested in but she wasn’t interested in dating so i didn’t really make any moves other than just being friends until she was ready but then she went and got a boyfriend. i was crushed and im yearning. that was the beginning of this year. i still check her location and get the urge to text her☹️

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Lesbians Carrying Other Lesbians

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Simple way to style with this jacket?

Planning to go to the movies later and just want a simple outfit with this jacket. Any recommendations?

Some comments that stood out:

Hearthatsurfmusic: can't go wrong with ol' reliable tank top and jeans with the jacket for a simple outfit! accessories like necklaces can help with spicing it up a bit but still keeping it simple

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I just wanted to share a beautiful thing that I was drawing 🖤💫🩷

Drawing of me and my Baby Girl u/tranquilitychaser 😁🖤💋. I was always a pencil purist, tho I started using some other methods in my drawings. Added first letters of our name in each corner 😘

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A couple months ago I posted a question to ask, if it would be okay to bring Lego flowers to a first date. I really wanted to vent about it so here is a small update.

I gave them to her at what I thought would be the end of our date, but she decided to ask me to come to her house where we talked until 5am. It was an amazing first date! The Lego itself she really liked, but she felt a bit guilty that she didn’t have anything for me. I made sure to tell her that I had no expectations from giving the gift, that I didn’t need anything in return. Within 2 weeks I saw that she gave the Lego flowers a special spot in her living room and until this day they are still standing. There are actually a couple other things in her living room that I made for her, like a small painting :)

We steadily grew towards a healthy relationship since we matched on bumble back in December and I couldn’t be happier. Officially we are together for 1,5 months! It’s been the most amazing time. I’m experiencing a kind of love that I hope everyone can find in their lifetime. If I handle this right, she can become my life partner <3

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I have a problem because I hate men. I openly admit it. It started with being afraid of them, feeling constantly uneasy around them. And it later transitioned into hatred when I got assaulted three times in a row within less than a year. The last time was about a month ago on a train (I live in Europe). Got groped by a drunk guy and only got away physically unharmed because the conductor entered the otherwise empty carriage.

I’m a teacher, a team leader and head of a department. I’m professional enough to treat everyone in the classroom equally and I’m not openly hostile towards my male co-workers. But this thing is getting to me. I feel terrible about it and ashamed. I know that not all men assault people.

I’m already going to therapy (for other things, but of course I’ve brought it up there) but the therapist I was assigned to isn’t much better than myself and truly isn’t helping.

Those who felt the same: how did you overcome this?

Here are some replies:

T0theb0ne: Hey im really sorry you went through that. I think the "hatred" is understandable, I have quite alot of it too. However for me personally i hate men as a group but I have nothing against them individually until they do something that bothers me. Granted yeah im more stand offish at the start but when you went through something difficult you are going to be more guarded, just have to remember to treat everyone equally until boundaries/morals are crossed. Something that helped me ironically was true crime and hearing in some cases men being kind caring and even sacrificing themselves reminding me that men are human and only some of them are awful. (Don't recommend this tho cause majority of cases are men perpetrators)

BanverketSE: I literally prayed to God and reminded myself “not all men, please God it better be not all men”. And sweet baby Jesus we got amazing men I proudly call my friends in church. A dad to one of my girlfriends is an amazing foster parent. My mom finally found a man who wasn’t an abusive dick. We got awesome men in our trans and queer meetups in town. Surprisingly, when I was in college, it was men who brought up the discomfort they had experienced from other men, worried on behalf of the women. And for every time I was almost killed by a teenage boy, I could list off the top of my head another teenage boy who did well. What helped me a lot was being open to these men and boys, sharing with them that being a woman can also quite often terribly suck, especially as visibly queer and openly trans, and brown-skinned, and also cause of men and patriarchy. They don’t often get it, but they empathise with me. And I empathise with them. It is not overcome, but it helped me see that the fight is not over yet, and that the boys will likely be all right.

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me before and after the blessing

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Matched with a woman a month ago. Started talking back and forth get to know you questions. She lived about 2hr away, but I don’t mind a LDR plus I like driving, so it wouldn’t be a big deal for us to meet up. It was going well! After a week I give her my number and said “ I really like talking to you, here is my number if you wanna text. But no pressure I’m happy to keep talking on here.”

She disappears for a few days and then comes back and apologizes for being MIA and that she got sick. We continue talking on HER. I can’t tell if she didn’t see the message with my number or if her preference is talking through the app. We talk off and on for the next 3 weeks. I can’t tell if she is wanting a relationship or friendship. The only flirting we’ve done is tell each other you’re pretty. So the other day I decide to shoot my shot and ask if she’d wanna meet up for lunch some time. She read the message and hasn’t responded.

Do I just chalk this one up to a no go? I thought HER was going to be this great sapphic-centric app, but I’m so tired of sifting through couples looking for a third.

A few replies that stood out:

Jae-sea88: That’s literally all the apps. It being worth it is dependent on if you want to put up with it or not because trust me it’s gonna keep happening. That’s just how dating is now. Especially online dating

Cosmicdancer84: Don't waste your time on inconsistency. Ps- HER has scammers on there, be careful.

No-Purchase481: I haven’t dated since 2019 but even back then it sucked. I highly doubt (especially from what posts I’ve seen) it’s any better, maybe even worse.

ContingentMax: Starting a relationship long distance is really hard, communication has to be solid. All the dating apps are the same, they care about getting your money more than doing anything good. If they cared about us there wouldn't be nearly so many blatantly obvious straight men for me to report. And I wouldn't be getting likes from kids in their early 20s or 37445km away when I absolutely don't want long distance and have set filters for it. Use it if you want, please don't give them money.

Undeadfromhiddencity: That’s so frustrating. Back when I was on the apps (late 20-teens to 2022), if someone didn’t want to move off the app in a week, I’d write them off.

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I’m trans. I’m a lesbian. Deal with it

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i really struggle with flirting. i don’t really understand it well, but i’m learning. i’m neurodivergent and coming up with the subtlety necessary for flirting in the spot is difficult. i also think i have been unintentionally using flirty body language with people for years 😅 i thought that being open and relaxed with my body language and attempting to make and hold eye contact with other was just being friendly so i learned how to do that, except that’s actually flirty body language? i’d like to think i am okay with picking up when others are flirting but who knows

banter also hard for me because i don’t really know where the boundary between banter and being mean is. i can do it with some people (like one of my close guy friends. i guess it’s harder with women for me because my mom banters with me and it always comes off as bullying.) banter works best when i can mimic someone.

i know i’m overthinking all of this. is flirting and/or banter necessary to date?

Highlights from the comments:

_syrahlips: It varies by person. For me it’s essential.

Prize-Prior5970: I don’t think that you need to manufacture banter/flirting. With some people it is very easy and with others sometimes it doesn’t work and probably it is a sign. When you are interested/attracted to someone, think about it as friendly teasing and joking around with each other. It is probably different for everyone, but I don’t like when it borders on bullying or meanness. I try to not play hard with people’s self-esteem and I am mindful not to offend them. So maybe think about the dynamic between you and your friend and your mom and think how you could make them less mean or less “bully.” In terms of your body language, you seem to be describing something that I would prove as normal confident/comfortable behavior unless you look into someone’s eyes for too long/longingly.

Kitty_whipt: I don’t necessarily think flirting and banter are a requirement for dating. People have their own ways of communicating. Some people are more verbally direct, while others might rely more on indirect cues such as body language. However, knowing how to navigate dating in a fun and flirty way sure makes it more enjoyable. Sexy, witty banter is a turn-on for me.

UnlikelyReception398: Flirting is fun and exciting, I enjoyed it all of the time when I was dating and I still flirt with my wife every day. It’s not necessary for everyone, but for some, it is. I do enjoy flirty/witty banter and it is essential for me personally.

ThrowCavendish123: In general no. For some women yeah. I think for me earnest displays and verbalization of desire has really helped. That can count as flirting too. Especially with direct compliments and actions. That can be hot too. I can do banter but it’s kind of exhausting after a while. I totally get you on the bantering feeling like bullying thing. It’s ok to prefer something else and not want that. Flirting that involves any teasing is a touchy thing for me due to consistent horrible experiences with teasing in general. Of course truth it some women may not like it but that’s with a lot of stuff.

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me before and after the blessing

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It's been over a year since I fully acknowledged internally that I'm a lesbian. I always liked girls but comphet convinced me I was at least bisexual, even though I don't like boys. I told myself it's okay if I'm bi, but I'm going to try to identify as a lesbian and let go of the pressure to "like" men. And.. I'm fully incapable of finding men attractive. I've tried but I can't. Once the pressure is gone it's gone.. I'm wondering if it'll happen, maybe I'm one of those rare cases that is attracted to 0.001% of men but no. No one. On dating shows I only ever like the women, I don't even remember what the guys looked like or their names. On the streets I always look at couples and think to myself "she's too good looking for him" (sorry not sorry). Are there women who aren't beautiful??? I'm not sure I've seen one. I've realized that nothing has really changed, I did these things when I was identifying as bisexual. The only thing that changed is that I don't have to pretend anymore. I don't have to lie to myself anymore to try to please others.

I haven't come out to anyone except my mom because I wanted to make this journey alone to be fully sure, but I'm fully sure now. I'm not coming out until I get a girlfriend, because what matters is that I know what I am. No matter what anyone says. If someone reacts weirdly to that then they're the weird one. I'm going to be me. I've lived 27 years not being me, so from now on I will be ME.

If you have a gut feeling, it's probably true. It's a difficult journey to make but you can break free once YOU fully accept YOURSELF. Don't think about what other people think, it's your only life.

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preface to say i have severe OCD and it has made it extremely difficult to interpret my own feelings over the past year or so, so i was honestly wondering if this is something i need to pay attention to or if it really is OCD...as the title says, i've had male celebrities in the past where i've admired them for their style and thought that they had exceptionally pretty faces/features (biggest example i can think of is hugh dancy for any hannibal fans out there) and i've for the most part acknowledged that that is normal and has no bearing on my sexuality, i never had any romantic or sexual fantasies about them just simply really enjoyed them (nothing past a thought like "wow hes pretty" or "i wish i could look like/dress like him" or "i love his aesthetic" and a pinterest board of my favorite looks of his or charactes hes played)...for a small period in time this did make me think i was pansexual, so i tried dating a man and once again realized i really don't like men at all and it was just aesthetic admiration...but i am now again in the trenches of OCD constantly wondering if this a normal thing lesbians experience or i was really sexually attracted to these men all along 😭 my intrusive thoughts don't help at all in deciding if this is really something to worry about or not

A few replies that stood out:

Responsible-Read5516: if you have severe OCD, asking for reassurance from the internet is not going to help you.

Kittaylover23: you’re gay not blind

TabbbyWright: Mmmm if you have OCD I suggest deleting this post since iirc getting validation is more detrimental than helpful for people with OCD? Do correct me if I'm wrong, I'm not trying to be a jackass. All I'll say on the question you pose is that you might consider thinking about it with different orientations and genders and see what you conclude. Like is it normal [for gay men] to think women are pretty? Is it normal [for straight women] to think women are pretty? Etc etc.

Serious_Audience4971: It's normal. Thinking they are pretty doesn't mean anything for orientation. For orientation to count, you need to feel attracted mentally, physically and be able to form an emotional bond with that gender

Noiveshix: i feel like this is reassurance seeking. just don't date people you don't like

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Maybe this will be seen as a little too much or whatever I don’t care, but if any girl here is having a hard time, thinking she’s not enough please just read this: YOU are enough, YOU are MORE than enough, if you’re feeling depressed or sad and need someone to talk to there’s a bunch of people here who will listen to you, I know a bunch of girls are struggling with their appearance or thinking they’re not pretty enough and it’s very sad seeing gorgeous girls having those thoughts, we all are here and probably most of us went through that at some point, so please 🙏 don’t hold it, vent if you need it, we’re all in the same boat 🙏 and we are all enough 🥰 that’s ir sorry if I was too much 😳😅

Some comments that stood out:

Capri-Sun08: I needed this today thank you

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My female boss says homophobic things all the time: "relationships between two women and two men are prohibited in the office", "i wear skirts and earrings because i am a woman", "gay men can only aspire to be hairdressers", "a man should sleep with [famous local lesbian] to make her straight", "in russia they kill lesbian, but in spain they kiss on the street *and acts upset*".

I think she hates gays and lesbians because she blames gays for influencing his son's sexuality. His son is like 8-9 years old but shows some potential gays signs (likes astrology, cooking, sensitive, etc).

I am a 36 bisexual woman with paranoia (the mental illness). I like women way more than men, though. I find guys attractive, but I could never date or sleep with one. It doesn't feel right. It would feel like forcing myself to be with someone I am not really into. Makes me feel perturbed and I like I wanna cry.

I take medication for paranoia so I don't listen to voices in my head. Which are not actual voices, I mean they are just like my thoughts amplified. Anyway, I am fine now. I had it for like 10 years already.

The problem is that I get drowsy all the time from my medication. Sometimes I am barely able to stay awake. I don't fall asleep but I am always fighting the urge to close my eyes. I am always nodding off. Sorry for the bad english. Which makes me kinda unproductive and makes me feel embarrassed too.

I will never tell my boss or coworkers I am mentally illed, but I think they suspect something. I will never admit though. I don't want them to use it as an excuse to fire me. They sometimes notice when I take a pill after lunch. They never asked me but If asked I will just say something like yeah I take some vitamins.

I wanna date women because I feel lonely and crave intimacy and an emotional connection with a woman. But I know if my boss finds out I like women she being the homophobic bitch that she is, she might find an excuse to fire me or make my life a living hell.

I know I should get another job, but I can't. I have trouble passing job interviews because I look to tense/crazy/angry because I lack socialization. I started isolating myself because I am tired of hanging out with homophobic straight people or being asked why I don't have a boyfriend/husband. I feel people cant tell and I don't wanna get outed. I also have trouble keeping jobs because I am drowsy all the time which makes somewhat unproductive.

It's a miracle I am able to keep this job considering how drowsy I am all the time. My coworkers suck, but I think that's everyones experience right? I am just polite and cordial to them. But honestly I don't like them very much. And I hate having lunch with everyone in the office because they always have to say something homophobic or negative about gays or lesbians.

On theory I can't be fired from this job because I am like a permanent employee. Like I don't need to sign a contract every 6 months. I just go to work and they pay me every month forever. But you never know. Like if I was outed or people found out I am into woman or have a relationship with a woman, I know some coworkers might become stupid and try to bully me. I know I have to stand up for myself, but I am worried if I do they can try to get me fire.

I mean I was fired for being a lesbian once already. That's when I developed the paranoia. People were very stupid to me. And I didn't stoop up for myself because I was scared of being fired. Which in the end they found an excuse to fire me anyway.

I live in a homophobic country in Latin America. There are no laws that protect gay people in the workplace. I tried changing jobs once but very few companies would call me for interviews and they offered a lower salary.

I don't earn much either. I think I failed in life. I am broke, have a mental illness, closeted, lonely, surrounded by homophobes. I have to support my old mother.

Whenever I make eye contact, people look away. I think it's because I look to angry/tense/crazy or something. The only one who looks at me in the eyes is my mother. I feel most women would probably reject me for a relationship because I don't have much experience, I am not good looking, have no social skills, I am broke, I am old. Like I usually get ghosted when I exchange pictures with women on reddit.

I feel like really lonely. I think my only chance of having a romantic lesbian relationship is me dying young and going into the afterlife. Maybe I will have better luck there. I am not gonna kill myself or anything like that. I just hope I die young after my mom passes away. Someone once read my hand and told me I was goonna die young from a disease. I hope that's true. I don't enjoy my life and I feel sad/unhappy often.

Sorry if the whole post sounds lame and ESL. I just needed to vent somewhere. Any advice is welcomed.

Some replies worth sharing:

Ashthehuman: I'm really sorry you're in this work environment. I unfortunately live in a red state and don't feel comfortable being openly out at work, so I don't have much advice there. But to counter one of the points you made, I really like my coworkers and often times being at work is very fun and feels like just hanging out (despite doing a very hard job). Coming from an absolutely horrible previous work place, my stress levels are way down, I'm much happier, and I feel like I'm on vacation sometimes compared to my last horrible situation. I caution you to not get complacent in mediocrity.

NewLevel35: I also feel like nobody gives a shit about me. I don't think any lesbian would either.

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Thought it’d be fun to rank our fav lesbian books here - Like the Oscars but make it sapphic as heeelllll.

I want to know your fav sapphic scenes. Put your fav book for each one. Categories are:

🏆 Best slow burn 🏆 Fav friends-to-lovers 🏆 Fav ice gap character 🏆 Hottest Strap-on scene 🏆 Fav character of all time 🏆 All time favourite book couple 🏆 Most phenomenal twist 🏆 Most unexpectedly kinky scene 🏆 Worst (genuinely the most awful) book

Feel free to add any of your own award categories toooo!

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A while back I was struggling with my own identity, I've been out as a lesbian for 8+ years, have a fiancee who I've been with for 7 and I'm technically a "gold star" since I could never bring myself to have penetrative sex of any kind with a cis man (I did have sex with a pretransition trans guy tho, but idk how to label that).

In any case, I told my therapist that even 8 years into the lesbian world, I still sometimes struggled with "am I a lesbian or am I just bisexual with a heavy preference for women?", cuz I dated men in the past, during my teenage years, and I didn't hate it. I know some girls (my fiancee for instance) who just the thought of kissing a guy made them nauseous, but that wasn't my case, I wouldn't much care for it, and my body would react to it, I also watched a lot of gay porn and enjoyed the penile-having aspects of it, in my head I'd probably even enjoy it if it was me since I already like straps, but when it came to actually... you know, consumating the relationship, I touched my ex bf's penis once and threw up lol.

My therapist (who is a gay man and specialized in LGBT therapy, but that was a plus) then asked me:

- "CoinLockerBaby1209, if you and your fiancee were to break up, would you date men again?", to which i said no, that would be like going back to drinking reheated gas station coffee after spending years tasting gourmet vietnamese grown 100% arabica grains.

- "If you were really drunk, really lonely and just wanted some, and some guy with all the secondary male characteristics were to show up, would you go for it?", I reiterated my answer, saying I'd rather be alone

- "You dated a trans guy before he transitioned, but, now, if your fiancee of 7 years discovered she was trans and wanted to take testosterone, grow a beard, body hair, deep voice, all the traits we associate with 'men', but she never had bottom surgery, would you find sex with her more difficult or would it be the same?", I said it would 100% be more difficult and I would feel very uncomfortable, but would make an effort for her as a person.

- "If you were single, would it bother you to date a trans woman with no wish to have bottom surgery? Would the genitalia make you throw up once more?", I said absolutely not, sure, I'd have to take precautions to avoid pregnancy and stds (PIV has higher rates of transmission) but it would be more so a matter of finding trans lesbians that I liked and that liked me back.

He then just looked me like this 🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨 and said this absolute banger:

"Given your story, it sounds to me like you're not ATTRACTED to manliness or men in general, you just had a time where you were indifferent to them, if you were attracted to men you'd actively seek them when presented with the opportunity"

Maybe this was a bit TMI, but it's something that I reflect on whenever the comphet hits, genitals, sexual past or sexual acts do not make you more or less of a lesbian, if that's the label you believe fits you best, attraction is what ultimately matters, and even that is complicated AF. Hope this sparks a healthy discussion :D

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