Problem with sex and nails update
This post is an update of this one: https://www.reddit.com/r/LesbianActually/s/bmYfArIdvX
First of all, thank you to everyone who commented on my original post. Reading your replies helped me work up the courage to bring it up.
I'm left with mixed feelings.
When I told my girlfriend that her nails sometimes hurt me during fingering, she immediately apologized. She felt awful, kept saying she was a terrible girlfriend and that she felt like "a piece of shit," which was absolutely not what I wanted. I reassured her over and over that I don't want her to cut her nails for me, that her body is hers, that I support her expressing herself however she wants, and that we have plenty of other ways to have sex.
For context, after I first started expressing that I'd really been craving more fingering in our sex life, she had her long nails redone twice. She later told me she had thought about the fact that long nails would affect fingering, but she believed it wouldn't make that much of a difference overall and that we'd have multiple other ways to have sex.
She also told me she isn't willing to keep just two nails short specifically for sex, because she simply prefers how all of her nails look long. I told her that's completely her choice, and I don't want her to change her appearance for me.
After our conversation, she even experimented on herself (not masturbating, just testing different finger positions) to see if there was a way to keep her nail from pressing against my clitoris, and she offered to buy finger condoms if that would help.
Then I asked another question.
I explained that what I was trying to understand wasn't whether she should or shouldn't have long nails and I genuinely don't want to control her appearance, but whether, knowing I'd been craving more fingering lately, it had crossed her mind to ask me how important that was to me before making a decision that would affect that part of our sex life.
She admitted that it hadn't. She said she simply wanted the nails she liked. That was it.
And honestly, I told her that's a perfectly valid reason. I really mean that. At the same time, that's the part I'm still struggling with emotionally.
It's not that I think she chose her nails over me. I don't believe that's what happened. But I think I would have felt more seen if we'd had a conversation beforehand, especially since she'd already known I'd been wanting more fingering and had decided to keep getting the same nails... Just because decisions that affect both partners sometimes feel nice to talk through together. She told me that felt like I was expecting her to read my mind. I feel bad about it.
Now I'm wondering if I'm expecting too much.
Is it unreasonable to wish I'd been included in that thought process, even though I fully support her decision to wear her nails however she wants?
Or is this one of those situations where nobody really did anything wrong, but we just value communication differently? I am out of this conversation feeling slightly worse...
Some replies worth sharing:
Outrageous_Pattern46: When I told my girlfriend that her nails sometimes hurt me during fingering, she immediately apologized. She felt awful, kept saying she was a terrible girlfriend and that she felt like "a piece of shit," which was absolutely not what I wanted. I reassured her over and over that I don't want her to cut her nails for me, that her body is hers, that I support her expressing herself however she wants, and that we have plenty of other ways to have sex. This is an extremely red flag you brushed past very quickly OP. You expressed you're in pain and then you had to take care of her for it. Your original plan was to stay in pain so she wouldn't have to hear it, I assume because you knew that was the case. Your girlfriend sounds toxic af.
Lunarthistles: When someone immediately jumps to “I’m a piece of shit/I’m so awful/I’m the worst” when you tell them that you’ve been hurt- that’s the biggest red flag in this whole story to me. That’s not how someone who loves you and wants to resolve a problem needs to communicate. It immediately forces you to stop focusing on your own needs and shift to hers, and that’s not okay. Regarding her nails, she certainly made a choice and she decided they were more important than your pleasure. You’re allowed to feel how you feel about that. I cannot say whether she’s right or wrong about that aspect of things, because it’s her body and her choice ultimately, but I certainly believe that her behavior in your relationship is questionable.
Swallowedoxygen: So, what I'm hearing from this story is that there is a MASSIVE mismatch between you two in terms of empathy and emotional maturity. She vacillates between not thinking about you at all and a manipulative/histrionic "I'm such a piece of shit" tactic which is actually the RVO portion of DARVO. Reverse Victim and Offender. She didn't think about how she caused you pain in the TWO TIMES she redid her nails since you brought up wanting more fingering. But when you express your hurt? By reacting the way she did, you admitted that YOU had to flip to comforting HER. So she did something inconsiderate and hurt your feelings, then put you on the defensive and forced you to act as though YOU were in the wrong for expressing your pain over what she had done. Girl, this could not be a redder flag. This is not somebody who is operating on your level emotionally. You deserve someone who thinks about you the way you think about her. Who considers your needs the way you consider hers. Do you think she's going on Reddit asking for advice on how to handle this situation without hurting your feelings? But here you are, doing emotional labour and trying to figure out how to approach a situation that can be resolved through a single adult conversation if both parties truly care about resolving it. I say this as someone who went through relationship after relationship like this until I met my wife 14 years ago. And all of a sudden, I felt spoiled rotten. Not because I was. But because I finally had someone who was returning every bit of love and empathy and consideration I always gave to others. You need to realize that you deserve someone like that. Someone like you. And not someone like her.
Ok-Owl-8805: I'm single but love getting my nails done, maybe my perspective will help you a little my preference is usually with short-medium length nails, but considering even the possibility of a one night stand, or just doing myself, I always leave my dominant hand shorter than the other. They're not completely short, they have obvious free edge, but it is at a very comfortable length for sex (be it fingering or just rubbing) and can stay comfortable for at least 2 weeks before I get them done again. She could at the very least try that, she doesn't need to give up her nails completely, just make em a little shorter. The fact that she never even thought of you, or couldn't be willing to give them up raises a huge red flag imo. I wouldn't stay with someone who, upon realizing a style decision is hurting you, only apologizes but won't agree to comprising. You're being unreasonable by letting this slide tbh, since you're clearly not compatible and she clearly doesn't want to help make it otherwise.
Uracowboylikeme: You expressed that you wanted more fingering in your sex life and then she got her nails done twice and didn’t think the long nails would affect fingering? I’m sorry but that’s ridiculous. I love having long nails but if I had a partner they’d be short, especially if they’d expressed that fingering was important to them. Also, saying there’s multiple other ways to have sex after you’ve just explained how you’d like to receive is pretty dismissive. Sounds like you would’ve benefitted from a more thorough conversation with your partner. She can do whatever she likes with her nails but it also sounds like she’s not really listening to you, even after hurting you, which is concerning.
Originally shared by Someothing on r/LesbianActually on July 9th, 2026 at 3:07 PM UTC.
