I think Iām a lesbian, but I have a loving boyfriend Iāve been with for years and I donāt know how to move forward
I made another post on here recently sharing some very fresh feelings. Iāve sat with them, and they havenāt changed, but I feel like my thoughts are more organized and some things are making more sense.
Last week, I had a sudden revelation while watching a lesbian creator I really like that I felt like I was watching a world of color fly past me on the other side of a window. I was struck with this really heavy, intense grief. It seriously felt like some pandoraās box opened and crashed down on me. I broke down in tears in front of two friends and my therapistāmind you, I never cryāand cannot escape the feeling that I long to be with a woman.
The problem is, Iāve (23F) been with my boyfriend (25M) for 3 years. I love him so much. He is sweet, respectful, gentle. He is a breath of fresh air in a world of really shitty, stupid men. I always said I felt like I won the lottery with him or I wouldnāt have continued dating men if I hadnāt met him. I met him not long after being SAed and clung onto him for dear life. Heās nerdy, funny, and so creative. I admire him so dearly that yes, I wanted him to be the father of my future children.
Our sex life has been nonexistent for about a year and a half. Itās so painful when we try. I am on birth control, an SSRI, and have PTSD from SAs, so all of that combined has led to some pelvic floor issues, and Iām uninterested in doing something that is painful. I do things privately though, so I know Iām not asexual. However, I do think dicks are disgusting. Heās more than happy to focus on me but I canāt deny I only find his body and features just okay, and I feel that way about most men. We have a lot of issues when it comes to me naturally and instinctively providing for his love language as well, but being able to with my friends.
I thought this was just what a well established, stable relationship looks like. Boring. Iāve been convinced by many that sex is overrated and I can expect to never be pleased by a man sexually. This felt normal and expected to me and I have been invested in engagement with him, until I saw more sapphic content and again have a pit of dread and grief in my stomach.
When I spend time with my platonic girl friends, I am faced with how beautifully emotionally deep even a friendship can be. How fun vulnerability can be. I want more from it. I feel like I have a near perfect man on paper, he defies all common issues with men, and yet I feel like Iāve hit a wall with how close I can feel to him, and that that wall is only maybe 60% of the way to true soulful closeness, whereas I feel 95% of the way there with my best friend.
Iāve had daydreams about taking a girlfriend to a pumpkin patch this fall. I think about holding her, or her holding me. About romancing her. All of these things Iāve done with my boyfriend, have felt cute, but like going through the motions. And I donāt have the reservations and disgust about womenās bodies and genitalia the way I do with men. I think one random woman would always be objectively goddess level stunning standing next to 100 Brad Pitts, or some other generic popular handsome actor.
He has suggested I am lesbian or asexual several times in our relationship. Iāve very quickly denied it every time.
He is my best friend. I love him, and I love his family. I am terrified of things changing. I really, really want him in my life. The idea of not being at least close to each other in old age and up until we pass fills me with the same grief as what I experience watching lesbians live their life. I cannot stand the idea of losing him.
I also feel horrible for considering breaking up with him just to go experiment with others sexually. That feels so shitty. What if Iām wrong and I just wasted his time, broke his heart, and screwed up something great for both of us? What if Iām just bisexual but have really awful commitment issues that would show up with women too?
I donāt know what to do. Iāve become quite depressed and unlike myself this past week. Heās picking up something is off.
What people on Reddit said:
AccomplishedRoom3887: Take the questions about being with women off the table. Don't factor in any "what ifs" for a minute. Look at the relationship you're in. You don't want to have sex with him. You should not force yourself to have sex that you don't want. Even if the physical and emotional issues resolve, you said you find penises disgusting, which is reason enough not to have sex with your boyfriend. Can you both commit to and be happy with a sexless relationship? For the rest of your life? You said you only feel 60% close to him. Is that something you want for the rest of your life? At 23 years old? No sex and a lackluster emotional connection? You are SO YOUNG. So so young. You deserve to explore your identity. That's what you're supposed to be doing. And even if exploration wasn't a factor, this relationship doesn't sound like the right relationship for you. Someone can be a great person, but it doesn't make them a great person for YOU.
Effective-Web971: You are still so young and just learning about yourself - now is absolutely not the time to foreclose on self-exploration. If I could change anything about my life, I would go back in time and tell myself not to marry the man I met at 21. I told myself that my attraction to women didnāt matter, because Iād already found āthe one.ā Over time my attraction to women became harder and harder to suppress, and I also realized that I had a very unhealthily enmeshed relationship with my then-husband because weād gotten together so young. We ultimately divorced after being together over a decade. I wish Iād broken up with him and taken the time to explore when I was your age - it would have saved us both a lot of pain. I also want to say a few things about those what-if questions youāre asking yourself. First off, you have not āwasted his timeā if you donāt end up marrying him and staying together forever. You are a sovereign human being and you do not owe him a relationship. Second, although it seems very unlikely to me, so what if you are bisexual and have commitment issues? If that were the case, taking some time to grow and get to know yourself better before committing to a lifelong relationship is actually a great idea. Third, I really donāt think you would be feeling like this if your attraction to women didnāt matter and was something you could just ignore for the rest of your life. The way you describe your experience sounds just like how I felt. You deserve, and you owe it to yourself, to take it seriously. If your boyfriend really loves you, he will also want you to do whatās best for yourself rather than suppressing your feelings to keep the relationship. I know how scary it is to feel this way when youāre in a committed relationship with a man. Please donāt run from it, though. You matter, your feelings matter, your happiness matters.
Piperisbored: 23 is a blip in your timeline, you owe it yourself to explore every facet of yourself because undoubtedly you will end up doing it later in life with even higher stakes (like marriage, shared assets, or worse, kids). you'll end up thinking about this for years from now and have a treasure trove of even more trauma on top of coming outta the closet in your 30s? nah, go on and blow up your life girl, that's what life is supposed to be, trying new things and finding out different parts of yourself you didn't know existed. don't wait, go live.
Coastal_vocals: The grief and intense rejection around the idea of separating from your boyfriend sound like deep cries for safety to me. It makes complete sense that you would feel this way. He sounds, above all, safe. And you needed safety. I wonder if you could explore with your therapist ways of finding safety that are not dependent upon another person, but on your own self. That's not necessarily an easy or quick thing, I know, and you may have already been working on similar issues. But I recognize that deep-seated cry for stability and safety in a world that has been dangerous to us. It causes us to cling on to things that may be unhealthy, because they feel like the only way we can survive. However, that last bit is usually a lie. We can survive, thrive, and create our own safety - much more true and authentic and genuine safety - when we are true to who we are as a person. This world doesn't make it easy to go against the cultural narrative. That is another way that we keep ourselves safe as women, one we often don't realize we're doing - hence the thousands of late bloomer lesbians in this sub. It is, ultimately, unfair to both you and him to cling to this relationship only for safety. I'm not saying it's a small thing - safety is a huge factor in being alive - but you are preventing happiness for both of you. You said you feel that you can only get 60% close to him, and you likely will never want sex with him. You are both sexual beings, who deserve to be fulfilled in that area of your lives as well as with emotional closeness. It will take a lot of bravery to change things. You don't have to do it overnight. But you must realize that he already likely knows. If he's suggested it more than once... he may not be surprised if this has finally come home for you. And if he and your friendship are as wonderful as they sound, you may be able to get through this together, not as partners but as friends. I'm not saying you both won't hurt in the short term... but you have many decades ahead of you, and you deserve to live that time being true to who you are in your heart. And he deserves to be able to find a partner that he can connect with on those levels too.
Unusual-Freedom5026: You deserve to be in a relationship that is sexually fulfilling for you. Lesbian sex is an incredibly beautiful experience and getting to experience that and wlw relationships is worth the difficult transition into singleness even from a kind person you care about as a friend. It is so worth it to change your life to live your truth
Originally shared by Legitimate_Pop4454 on r/latebloomerlesbians on July 8th, 2026 at 1:12 AM UTC.
