Actual Lesbians

So I’ve recently decided I want to have more of a queer community. My straight friends are great but there are things they wouldn’t understand. But unfortunately most queer spaces in London are clubs/bars and those aren’t spaces I tend to go in my day to day life.

But being in any queer space I know the likelihood of there being another black Muslim hijabi that is queer will be there. But that’s fine as long as I’m welcomed open arms I don’t need us to have everything in common on interest in women is enough.

So recently I went to a LGBTQ+ Women+ cafe. Which firstly is great for me because I love cafes, and everyone there I assume is queer so there’s no explaining myself. First time I go it’s great! I’m enjoying my time, the owner is great and I’m surrounded by Queer people. But the second time I go, the barista doesn’t seem very warm. I say hello and she doesn’t respond so I say my order, she doesn’t say anything again I pay and sit down. When she brings over my drink she is looking down and places it without saying anything. She also gave me the wrong drink and normally I’d say something but the interaction was already off. ( don’t need her remaking my drink and doing something to it 😭)

I thought maybe it was her having a bad day which valid I get it. But then I see her interact with others and it’s a complete 360. I won’t lie and say I didn’t feel some type of way. Like I’m Muslim but guess what I can also be queer.

I deserve to be in these spaces! And I guess I’m now stuck on how to move forward. People assuming I’m straight, being in these spaces that are clearly for LGBTQ+ individuals and still being looked at like I don’t belong here.

But I guess if It wasn’t clear enough Muslim people can be Queer! And keep that in mind for when you decide to burn holes in my hijab.

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happy pride 🌈💋

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Four Non Blondes (original line up)

San Francisco, circa 1988 Photo by me

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I’m 31 and I’ve spent the last several months really working on myself. I’ve been consistently going to the gym, focusing on my health, going to therapy, and trying to build a better life.

The weird thing is that even with all that progress, I still find myself feeling lonely sometimes. I want a healthy relationship and someone to share all aspects of my life with, but dating can feel exhausting. Different communication styles, mixed signals, and trying to figure out where you stand with someone can be

For everyone here, did focusing on yourself eventually lead to meeting the right person, or did the loneliness stick around for a while?

Some replies worth sharing:

MycologistSecure4898: I (31F) have been hard core working on myself as I’ve been dating over the past 4 years. In some ways, my hopelessness about dating has gotten worse the healthier I’ve gotten. In part, as I’ve worked through the things I could control that were interfering with my love life (mental health, attachment issues, communication and conflict resolution, boundaries and standards, career, etc) the more I’ve had to accept that the major factors interfering with my finding a compatible longterm monogamous partner were out of my control. I can’t make someone else like me or be emotionally available or want monogamy, I can’t make the dating pool be bigger or more compatible, I can’t make the apps work better, I can’t control how many other compatible queer women are available to date in my area, etc. So right now I’m working on my grief and unmet needs in ways other than dating for partnership in the hope that I can eventually return to dating and truly be NATO (not attached to outcome) so every rejection and breakup doesn’t hit me so hard.

WhiskersPawsMischief: Being more social led me to the right person:) But what you are doing is fantastic. You should keep it up, but keep doing it for yourself 😄

Wide_Adhesiveness196: I’m 35 and in the same boat at you. I’ve put in a looot of work in myself over the years. I have done extensive therapy, I know how to take care of myself, I’m financially independent, regularly workout, have a passion I’m dedicated to, am successful in my career, and have healthy relationships with friends and family. Although after having reached this point and having even more goals I want to achieve, I am less willing to compromise on my needs and that does make it harder to find a partner. I have sometimes felt lonely, but what helps me is naming my needs and figuring out how I can get those met elsewhere. As someone else mentioned, I have no control over others wants and choices, so the best I can do is make the most of our short time on this beautiful planet, whether that’s with a partner or without. Feel free to dm me. Happy to chat more.

Trinitykills: I mean I feel like these are two totally separate things. Working on yourself only has to do with yourself, and thus it makes sense you would still feel loneliness and crave companionship. I'm in the same boat. The loneliness comes in crazy waves: sometimes manifesting as just horniness, sometimes craving romance, sometimes craving a partner and monogamy. Especially as time passes, those feelings get worse because I feel some sort of weird sense of urgency being in my mid 30's and having not found a person to build a life with together. Dating is REALLY REALLY hard right now for EVERYONE. People are just really weird post COVID. Pre Covid it was so easy and fun to go on dates, now... it just feels like a chore and pulling at teeth. The apps are really deflating as well. I think there's just an all around "I've given up" sentiment from EVERYONE. I too have been very social and going out to events, doing therapy, working out, etc. I even tried hitting on someone in a way I WOULD NEVER and was unsuccessful... but like I'm definitely in a YOLO mood so whatever haha. Yeah I dunno what the answer is but you're not alone. Continue to meet new people, go to new things and fuck it be bold and ask people out and not be afraid to get rejected. Go to events where you actually interact with people and not just stand around. Even my straight lady friends are suffering so I dunno man...

BraveHe4rt: I once thought of asking my friend to see if they knew anyone. This was years ago though and I haven’t really dated much since I came out of the closet.

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Há 15 anos, Alison Brie e Gillian Jacobs incendiaram a internet quando posaram para a GQ Magazine - 2011 - Fotografadas por Mark Seliger

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Mine was years of styes and a permanent knot in my throat that finally made sense once I stopped fighting what I already knew. I'm curious if anyone else's body kept the receipt long before they were ready to read it?

Here are some replies:

Effective-Web971: Feels a little on the nose but it’s true: I sobbed uncontrollably for an hour the first time I read Adrienne Rich’s essay on compulsory heterosexuality (it was assigned for a grad class I was taking). After I stopped crying, I thought, “Huh, that seemed like it was about something,” and promptly put it away, went back to bed with my husband, and didn’t think about it anymore. It took me another three years to actually start questioning in earnest, and two more after that to realize I was a lesbian.

Sammynourpig: Honestly mine is less body oriented and more to do with feelings. Whenever I dated men, there was a block where I felt like I wanted to get closer to them, but it was impossible for some reason. I dated avoidant men on purpose because I was avoiding a lot of things myself. I hid behind the straight passing bisexual identity for a long time until I had dated enough men (which wasn’t many lol) to realize that feeling was never going to change

SilentPurple4283: I had vaginismus that I thought was due to anxiety, and had to train myself to be able to have penetrative sex with men through a lot of practice on my own in basically curing a "phobia" of it. I was never naturally lubricated with men. I had to train myself out of this as well, but I found that at times I would literally get lightheaded and almost faint during anything sexual with men, which I think might have been because I was so tense and also dissociated from my body. Nausea during and after kissing or sex. I would get that "ick" feeling any time a man did something to demonstrate ownership of me in public, like putting their arm around me or holding my hand, and I would have to stop myself from pushing them away. I'm sure there's more, it all seems obvious in hindsight but I kept thinking if I fixed my anxiety or met the right man these things would resolve!

AccomplishedRoom3887: Oh man, there were so many. Sex (penetration) with men always, always hurt for the first minute or two until I could mentally coach my body to relax. It was never severe enough to think I had vaginismus or anything, just thought it was a weird quirk. I would jolt awake in fear if a man touched me in my sleep. Even if my dog brushed past me when I shared a bed with a man, I would jump. I never really knew what to do with my body when physically intimate with a man. Where to touch, what to say, what to do, it all felt unnatural and uncomfortable. My ex was a kind, gentle, "safe" man, so I genuinely thought something was just wrong with me. Fast forward to today, and none of that is present in my current lesbian relationship. The biggest difference for me is that my body just knows what to do and knows that it's safe. It's wild.

Georgerobertfrancis: Mine was purely a mental block, so it was less my body and more removing the block. I don’t have a story of abuse or disliking men, which may make me an outlier? But I was raised in a very strictly religious household and blocked from all discussion and exposure to homosexuality, and thus I felt like there’d be some magical “knowing” if I really were gay, and I was also taught to basically find myself and my own body repulsive. Not very conducive to coming out. So I spent my whole life being “a straight woman who ______.” Fill in any gay thing there. I justified them all. It was bad. I did not want to be gay, so I did not pursue it and did anything I could to lead a comphet life. I lived by two tenets. As long as I: -could have a romantic crush on a man, and -would not actually have sex with a woman… Then I was straight. Then over a period of time, both of those were no longer true, and my whole closet fell apart around me; it was like my brain couldn’t go back. It was traumatizing, actually. It’s like I’m standing on the other side of one of those sidewalk chalk optical illusions. And now I only get gayer every day, and I can’t fathom how old me operated. I’d love to study it. It’s actually so surreal.

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I’m excited for someone to ask me for sex so I can turn them down. I’m demisexual, so I won’t wanna have sex with someone I’m not already very familiar and comfortable with.

Even if I was dating someone, I’d need to take it slow and be very mindful of how we go about it since I’ve never had fully consensual sex. At least not while knowing I was supposed to be having fun.

So the next time someone asks for sex with me, dating or not, I’m excited to say no. I doubt they will have done the actual work of making me feel comfortable and eager.

I’m excited for the reaction, since I’ll know what to expect this time. I’ll be able to smile and laugh at the anger or guilt tripping instead of giving in. I’ll be able to refuse and keep refusing without feeling bad. And I’ll know I’m doing the right thing. I like having my body to myself. I don’t want to be made to feel terrible.

But denying them won’t make me feel bad anymore. I’m excited to make someone who thinks they’re entitled to me look like the petulant child they are. It’ll be so new to me

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Hello!

I'm quite a sexual person and I would love to meet women for sensual/sexual moments, but I don't seem to be able to make it happen. It's either long chats about our lives and no opportunities to meet or cute dates. I do enjoy getting to know the other person, but sometimes I'd enjoy a simple hook-up! I'm clear in my dating profile on my intentions, I've had several dates that led to other dates... Long hot kisses, curious hands, no sex!

Does this even exist in the lesbian community?

Some replies worth sharing:

Bethereform3: I have a FWB and do the occasional random hook up! I mainly match via tinder if I'm being honest

Express-Ad-9082: Oh they definitely do for sure! I feel Taimi and maybe HER are good apps for that

Sub_Jessie90: When I was single, I never had an issue. I met a lot of women through clubs & parties. Most we're just regular. If you're just looking for fun/sex there's often women there who want to...."experiment" haha Was especially easy during my college years.

BitchonaBike1204: If you're into kink, joining in on the local scene would help a ton. In my city theres even a saphic kink speed date + kink party thats a monthly event. I found a couple of really cute FWBs from that one event alone ❤️ Can take a while to really integrate into a local scene but the connections (and the much better sex on average) is worth it.

Justarunawaybicycle: Yes lol, though I haven't done a whole lot of straight up hookups from apps. They're usually people I meet at some social event.

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So… I recently discovered I’m kinda… apathetic (?) towards sex. I’m not really experienced in that, but I’ve noticed that I’ve never fully ‘enjoyed’ any sexual experience I’ve had. I’ve never had an orgasm (or at least an intense one), penetration (whether fingers or strap) hurts, sometimes even stimulating my clit hurts, when other people does it or even when I do it. I had sex where I was touched too for the first time some days ago and I realized I like the idea of someone touching me but I don’t really enjoy it. And I thought I liked giving but I didn’t really enjoy it either that time. I don’t know if any other person have experienced this, or maybe I’m the problem, or it’s an attraction matter… I don’t know

Notable replies:

G0merPyle: This is me, granted I'm on the asexual spectrum; I'm romantically attracted to women and aesthetically attracted (I mean women are pretty), I just never really think about sex and rarely if ever think of wanting to have sex with someone. It's just never lived up to the hype. You might be interested in the Bambi lesbian microlable, it fits really close with what I prefer (basically cuddling> sex). There's a subreddit too, r/bambilesbians

Allayahg: plenty of people have experienced this! they’re usually asexual or somewhere on that spectrum :) i’d definitely look into it more if you’re unaware of that subject!

KelticAngel16: I agree that you could be somewhere on the asexual spectrum, but it's hard to tell if you're not really interested in sex because it's meh or if you're not really interested because it hurts. Sexual activity isn't supposed to hurt, hun, that's a medical condition called dyspareunia. If you haven't yet, I recommend talking to a gynaecologist about it. Depending on what's causing the pain, you might be referred for physio. Sometimes dyspareunia is because of pelvic floor issues, which can eventually turn into bladder issues Get the medical side looked at first. Once the pain isn't an issue, you'll have a much easier time figuring out if you enjoy sex or not

Hmmexistence: Yooooo this is me through and through, feeling so seen

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Richter and Phillips gay pride billboard.

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Anthony Hurd - Love is a protest (2025)

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A great book about the queer/lesbian night life all throughout the country

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this is a rant/vent situation post so beware

so, i'm am early 20s lesbian who lives in one of the most populated cities in america, i have every single dating app downloaded, and i still cannot find anyone who is on my wavelength. i'm autistic and also brain damaged, so i find a lot of joy in weird interests and hobbies while still existing as an adult with a good profession that pays extremely well compared to my peers. i am a functional person.

but, i just can't relate to any of the other lesbians around me and it feels so isolating. i get plenty of matches and swipes, so i talk to people often, but it just feels like nobody has any interests anymore. i always ask questions about their hobbies, ask follow up questions, i give people plenty of room to talk and i find myself constantly having to ask them more and moe just to fill the silence. i went out with one girl who told me her ONLY hobby was "scrolling on instagram" and we just sat there in silence most of the date because i couldn't find more things to talk about towards a literal brick wall. they think their looks are the only things that matter in these things.

meanwhile, i'm into all kinds of weird stuff. i find lost media as a hobby, i'm into learning all about abandoned theme parks and malls, i love animatronics and their history, i collect furbies, i do urban exploration, i collect vintage manga and japanese magazines, even more basic stuff like horror movies and making zines, but whenever i ever talk about any of my passions, i usually just get brushed off with a "oh, that's cool." and that's it. i even met one girl who literally told me she had a """touch of the 'tism"""" and i started talking to her about my undying interest in tornado sirens and she told me her special interest was her cat. then i tried to ask follow-up questions about her cat, she said "idk" and then she ghosted me.

everyone's bios are always something like "i like cats and coffee! i like traveling! i like going to the beach!" and there's nothing wrong with that but i'm starting to think i'm too weird for any lesbians around me. it makes me feel super isolated and sad. i'm still trying though, i have this intense fear of being alone forever now after the recent trauma i endured. i'm not expecting anyone to share all my interests or anything, i just want to be respected in them the same way i respect everyone else in theirs. i don't ramble too much, i always leave room for discussion, and i really do try to give people a space to be heard.

i also have the problem of girls wanting to immediately be in a relationship with me. i've gone on dates where that same night they're saying we're girlfriends now and i don't even know their last name, it just stresses me out. it's already such a high pressure situation for me, to have someone decide that without knowing anything about me is terrifying. especially since they DON'T know me, one girl did it after 15 minutes of being together and i didn't even talk about myself at all within those 15 minutes.

i've basically swiped all i can swipe now, i feel myself giving up. all the girls i have crushes on irl aren't interested in me like that and every girl i find on a dating app thinks i'm weird in a non-endearing way. it's like, what do i even do now?

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Do I Look Gay to you?

Some replies that stood out:

Dizzy-Captain7422: Most def.

Nofeelingisfinal24: Yes, which is a flex.

Aduckforluck: you were asked not to keep making these posts a while ago…

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I rode to a restaurant on my electric scooter and ate outside. When I was done eating I didn’t see a trash can so I walked around the building to a dumpster. A dude walked by and said nice scooter. I said thank you. Then he asked me for my name and number. I said bluntly I’m not into men as I tossed my trash into the dumpster. After I got home I couldn’t stop laughing because of the absurdity of getting hit on by the dumpster of all places and how I was unapologetically lesbian with no patience for men. 🤣 I wish women would hit on me when I’m on my electric scooter. 😘

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My new hair!

Post breakup = fun dye job! But i also went shorter than usual! Thanks to people who recommended me some hairstyles on a previous post :)

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Tried something new!!

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