I think I’m a lesbian, but I don’t hate sex with men?
I will try to keep descriptions vague in accordance with rules.
But basically: I’ve been out as pan for a long time now and have had sex with both, but recently I’ve realized that I don’t get nervous in the way you would around someone you’re attracted to around any man, even ones I think are attractive, I don’t get like that feeling in my stomach when they approach me or make a move on me or do anything with me, I never really have the urge to please them outside of a very “looking at myself through how he’s seeing me” type of way, and I’ve never been in love with or had emotional feelings for a man beyond friendship, even when we were together, even when he was textbook perfect.
But the part that confuses me is that I don’t hate sex with men. It’s actually really enjoyable with the right person. And honestly, a lot easier because it’s more available and I don’t get nervous about it in the same way. Like I enjoy sex with men the same way I enjoy masturbating, just someone else doing the work for me.
Like it feels good, sure, but I’m not exactly like, fully there mentally I guess? Meanwhile with women, I actively fantasize, want to see her reactions to what I do to her, I actually have that feeling of wanting and yearning more and more. With men I never have that feeling of needing or wanting more, it’s just there and good, or not. Like I’ve never been turned on by a man through something they did unintentionally the way I would be if a girl hugged me too close or something.
I don’t know. I’m just so confused because I was so secure with my label as Pan for so long, but now that I’ve had more sexual experiences in general, I’m realizing my attraction to different sexes is very different. To the point I don’t even know if what I feel for men is really attraction.
But then the title of lesbian is scary because 1) I feel like a fake for not being disgusted with straight sex and 2) I worry about how straight women, especially friends, would perceive me and our friendship.
Am I maybe just bi with a preference?? Idk.
Fuck. Can’t believe I’m thinking of all this because I read a smutty lesbian Alien Stage fanfic that dealt with internalized homophobia and how one girl wanted a dick to fuck her girlfriend with.
edit: I realized there’s a lot of context that this post leaves out and that this is maybe a conversation with my therapist instead. But to assure everyone: no i have never referred to myself as a lesbian in life so far, exactly for the reason that I know it could be incredibly damaging to those who are sure of their identities. God knows my lesbian friends get enough men trying to turn them. That’s why I’m anon posting on reddit, in a lesbian reddit, instead of telling everyone in my life about this. Thank you though to everyone who left kind and nuanced thoughts on the topic in the comments.
A few replies that stood out:
BrikHowse: Personally I think people get way too caught up in nailing down the right labels. Like technically something close to "bisexual homoromantic" might fit for you, but I also think it's absurd to try to use a label like that in public and expect anyone to understand (or care). Sexuality is extremely complex, everyone has their own nuances and evolution with it. I think just listen to your body and go with the flow.
Whooptidooh: Then you’re not a lesbian. Bi? Sure. Lesbian? No.
Fickle-Let-7205: There is still a lot of hostility directed at "turning" inflexible homosexuals with the "right person". So utilize compassion for marginalized subgroups within the community by reserving the term Lesbian for the inflexible Homosexual+Homoromantic. There are many other terms you can use nowadays that quite flexible and more nuanced: WLW, Queer, Sapphic, Bi, Poly. Use of the word Lesbian when you are flexible is becoming dangerous for actually lesbians who are not flexible as it creates a stereotype that they are all flexible, could all be flexible or seduced/turned by men, the right person as you say. In a climate where women are increasingly having to protect themselves and seek out women-only spaces etc, please be mindful and protective of this inner subgroup.
Intrepid_Mix9536: i think you're just bi with a preference for women
Plastic-Customer2193: It’s ok to be bi or pan.
Originally shared by Verysadslut on r/latebloomerlesbians on July 9th, 2026 at 8:21 AM UTC.
