#ask intj

For me, forgiving is to:

Leave it to the Lord of the Universe to punish them

It's impossible to know how or when, but the promise by the Lord of the universe is that - they'll get it back. Sometimes in ways we won't know; like, financial struggle; maybe they'll have trouble sleeping at night; or when they have children later on their children won't give a crap about them; maybe they'll die alone. There are so many possibilities. We may not be able to witness their suffering, but to know that they will suffer, is a good reassurance that there is justice.

Forgetting is to:

Not really erasing it from your mind, but to not waste too much of your time, attention or resources on that person. You let other, more, important things to occupy your mind. In the simplest terms, to forget is to not give a f*ck and treat the person as if they don't exist.

However, remember that you're still human. You need to be validated and understood. Therefore, you need and you should talk to people about what happened and let the bashing begin. 🐒

Not to mention, there are also moments where we need to be the officer of Karma. Slap the sh*t out of the person. If you can't, because they're your boss, you file a formal complaint, make a petition, write articles with references and all that. Spread awareness, stand up for justice. If having a slow talk works, then you should do that too. We become a lesson to them.

For me, these are the best ways to handle an assh*le. You don't only get the peace of mind, you can also actively stand up for what's right by ruining their career/life and spread the awareness.

Reference to this. Yes that does make a difference. Sorry about all the laughter then.

My answer is still pretty much the same- preferences will vary from person to person, though most INTJs will probably stick with less overt forms of affection, such as acts of service/gifts/time. INTJs do not waste time on people they dislike so if they’re willing to hang out with you that says they at least enjoy your company (though not necessarily in a romantic way). Most will generally stalk a potential partner first to gather information as they don’t want to bother with a relationship that compatibility issues.

Touch runs the gamut. There definitely seems to be a “no touching!” theme among INTJs so if they’re willing to cuddle that’s a good sign. That said, some people will never be down for snuggling.

Plus, some of us really need alone time to think and reflect on the things that have happened and/or what we’ve done — the time we spend doing work at school or at home doesn’t really count, even if we are alone because we don’t get to enjoy it. (2/2)

Let me preface this by saying that my children are 5, 3, and <1 so anything I say is purely theoretical at this point. The first thing you learn when you become a parent is that you know exactly fuck all about what you’re doing. Before you have kids, even if you have a background in childcare or education, you make lots of statements about how “my kids will never do X” or “when I have kids I’ll do Y.” All that gets thrown out once you actually have to deal with children that are yours. You do the best you can, but for the most part you’re winging it and the strategies you use change widely depending on your actual children and how they respond (and they all respond differently).

I think privacy is important, as does my husband. Our goal is to have a relationship built on trust. We want our kids to be able to come to us (or another qualified adult) with their problems, and we want to be able to trust our kids. That said, as the eldest among our siblings, we were both relatively straight arrows. Not sure how our own children will be.

My husband wants the kids to have free reign, although he is adamant that they will have to earn his trust, show they are responsible, etc. first. His own mother was very controlling and didn’t allow him to visit friends. One time he had to remain in his mother’s car while she went into a client’s house to tutor. He couldn’t come in the house. He wasn’t permitted to even leave the car. His own female friend lived right next door, yet he wasn’t allowed to hang out with her. She ended up standing outside the car talking to him through the rolled up window to keep him company. So yah, he’s not fond of controlling parents.

He has talked about installing GPS tracking apps on the kids’ phones (once they have phones), but disabling it when they become teenagers so he doesn’t violate privacy. He absolutely does not want to do that to them. Personally, I would not be opposed to keeping such an app installed with the agreement/understanding that it would be used only for emergency purposes (like I can’t find you, you’re not responding, are you dead in a ditch or just at a friend’s house?), but would probably only do so with my child’s permission.

I do understand where these parents are coming from. My sisters got into a lot of trouble. ENFP was returned home one night via police escort. She had snuck out her window and gone skinny dipping with friends in the school pool. She frequently hid friends in the trunk of her car to get them off campus during lunch. ISFJ got caught shoplifting as a tween. As a teen, she hotboxed in her truck daily. And drank. And did meth. And was anorexic. And fairly sexually active. My mom knew about the anorexia and tried in her own way to combat it, but everything else went unnoticed (or at least unconfirmed). ISFJ was very good at hiding things, much better than ENFP. Mom was probably tempted to snoop but didn’t, because she’d experienced that from her own mother and knew how it felt.

Would violating their privacy helped? It would have made my parents aware of the ISFJ’s problems, but it’s not like that knowledge would have changed the fact she was an addict. They could have had the safe sex talk with her or tried to confine her, but it’s not like she wouldn’t have just snuck out or continued engaging in risky behavior. It’s possible they would have gotten her into therapy, but it’s not like she’d have been cooperative and there’s no guarantee they would have diagnosed her sooner (she’s bipolar). It would make her feel betrayed. But then she also felt betrayed years later when Mom called the authorities upon discovering my sister passed out drunk on the floor with my niece.

I’m not sure there was anything my parents could have changed that would have changed how my sisters lived their lives. I think you have limited control over what other people do. You can talk to your kids about things and hope they make the right choices, but that’s not always going to happen. Mom was fairly strict. Dad was the kind of parent we trusted. If we had a question about something we went to him. Dad talked to us about sex. Mom bought us a handbook. Mom was judgmental; Dad wasn’t.

Yet he felt like he failed my sisters. When the ENFP landed in jail for two weeks after her third DUI my dad wrote her a letter that included the line “I gave you too much rope and you hung yourself.” He felt like he should have done more, though I’m not sure what. Been stricter? We already had one strict parent. I pushed back more against my mother and her arbitrary rules. I heard my dad- he always gave great advice, even if I disregarded much of it. When my sister was in rehab my mother was the enemy. It was Dad who was able to convince her to name him temporary guardian of my niece. He had her trust.

The fact of the matter is that all kids make mistakes. That’s what your teenage years are for- testing boundaries, figuring yourself out, coming into your own. A natural part of that is pushing back against your parents. Even when you like your parents. Even when they’ve “raised you right.” Kids are going to fuck up. We all do. You just have to hope that their fuck ups are minimal. Violating their trust in a desperate attempt to make sure they never do anything wrong is only going to ensure they won’t come to you for help ever again. It can also have the opposite effect of what you want. My mom, a really bookish kid who never got into trouble, had her room frequently searched by her mother and was constantly accused of doing things. Not only did it ruin their relationship, but my mother went out and did the things she was being accused of. Why not? If she was going to get in trouble for doing something she might as well have actually tried it.